Sunday, June 23, 2013

The 5 Stages of Infertility.

Every month I go thru these 5 stages during my cycle-
1st- I start out optimistic & hopefully and feeling ready for a new start.
2nd- I convince myself that I am pregnant and dream about due dates and Pinterest baby decorating ideas.
3rd- I worry that something is going wrong and fret.
4th- I go thru denial that I've had another failed cycle.
5th- I cry and mourn another lost cycle and then I move on.
This month though I seemed to have skipped steps 1 and 2 in my normal process.
I’m missing steps.
I’m fretting already.
I've jumped directly to step 3 and I haven't even had my IUI yet. It started at my day 12 appointment when my RE didn't have a super optimistic attitude. It increased when I started feeling run down and craptastic yesterday and then it amplified times six trillion when I took my Ovidrelle last night after stabbing myself realized that I didn't get all of the medication. Granted it wasn't more than a droplet that I missed and ended up squirting down my belly instead- but still do we really need anything going against us at this time?
Now I’m just sad and depressed and have zero hope for a cycle that hasn't even started.
I’m bitter too- so bitter. Its awful and I hate myself for it but I really can't be happy for the baby showers I have coming up and the baby announcements that keep coming up. I know its awful. I try to be happy for everyone else but just keep coming back to bitter.
I really feel like I have hit a new low. I am this awful person who can't be happy for anyone else right now and its just terrible and not who I normally am. I wish it wasn't who I have morphed into this week either.
I am so praying that everything goes well tomorrow and that the progesterone that they are adding it what we need- but I’m also being totally honest with myself and I am not getting my hopes up this time.
Call it a defense mechanism if you will.
Also- please don't hate me cause I am bitter and bloated and cranky.
Cheers to a better week ahead I hope!

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