Wednesday, February 19, 2014

And The Ultra Sound Says

We leave for Disney tomorrow so I will be a bit off line -- which also means I will be missing out on ICLW. Ill do my best to read and try to comment, but I don't really plan on writing many- if any- posts while I am away enjoying vacation with the family. 

If this is your first time stopping by Rob and I have been TTC for over 3 years. We've had 6 failed IUI's- 3 attempts with Clomid and 3 attempts with Menopur. I have been diagnosed with PCOS and possible Endometriosis. I never had a final diagnosis on the Endo because we opted out of the lap procedure and went forward with our first IVF. We started the IVF process in the beginning of October with paper work and the particulars and our cycle started at the beginning of January. 

On the 28th of January we had our transfer of 1 AA and 1 AB embryo. On February 3rd I had my first positive HPT and have had wonderful -high even- beta's since then. Today was our first ultra sound and we were praying that we would get to see something. Today I am 5 weeks 6 days. 

I just wanted to say that if you are in the trenches and having a hard time with ultra sound photos or pregnancy announcements or pregnancies that I know that feeling well. It took a long time for me to embrace others pregnancies. So no worries if you aren't in the right place I don't want to cause you any more pain. Please know that I am available to answer questions though and am always here to pray for anyone in pain or that needs an extra thought passed their way. Feel free to email me For now keep the faith <3 Good things are coming your way! 


Without further ado- 

Baby A on Top and Baby B on the bottom
Its twins ya'll!!! Baby A is measuring ahead at 6w4d and Baby B at 6w0d. We are just so incredibly blessed! Over the moon excited!! We can not wait to tell our parents :) 

God is so good! And we are so excited <3 <3

We know that we have a ways to go- that there are things that can happen such as vanishing twin, but we're holding tight to our faith that we are having two babies! 

Thanks for all the love <3 We're heading off to see Mickey Mouse and celebrate in Disney World! 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Tomorrow Tomorrow

Yesterday was my 4th Beta - at 20dp5dt my beta came back at 18,000+. Which is really good. 

Our first ultra sound is scheduled for tomorrow morning! We are so over the moon excited. I'm so glad it's the morning and even more glad they got us in before we leave for Disney on Thursday. 

Once everything goes well tomorrow morning we are going to tell my parents and then when we get to Disney we are going to tell the in laws.

Yesterday was the worst day of nausea, vomiting, and fatigue. When I went in for my blood work the RN commented on my greeness. Thankfully that passed and today I was able to get off the couch. I'm praying it stays this manageable level  of queasiness until we get back from Disney. Once we get back I'll take anything life throws at me.

So tomorrow tomorrow- only a day awayyyy :)

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Mixing Fear with Joy

Today at 16dp5dt my beta was 3300+. Which really is just perfect- if not above the curve. I know you can’t go off of beta’s, but between you and I – I think both of my embabies took and are growing in there. I won’t be sad or disappointed if there is only one- but I just feel like there is a really good chance that there are two.

I thought I was all done with beta's and they would schedule my ultra sound today- but my APN called me and said that they want to done one more beta on Monday. My APN was super sweet- she was so excited to be calling me because no one told her I was pregnant. I thought she was going to cry on the phone- which of course made me cry.

I am kind of a bummed about the return for a 4th beta- but as long as everything is progressing well its okay.

I am now experiencing food aversions along with the nausea. The baby must be mostly vegetarian because even the thought of most meats is repulsive. I told Rob he had to cook all the meats right now- but even . I had some chicken strips for lunch and those were okay- mainly because someone else cooked it and I didn't have to see it raw, but the idea of raw meat... well blech.

So if you have any wonderful vegetarian dishes I should try that are easy on the stomach- please share :)

Other than that I am focusing on eating well and drinking lots of water to stay hydrated.

I think what I am struggling with most is my fear. It seems to grow daily. I'm doing my best to push all of my fears down. Sometimes I don't think that this is real- that I’m not really pregnant at all and there is some mistake. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in an utter panic - that this is all a dream and that I don’t deserve t his at all. Sometimes when I feel crampy I bolt off to the bathroom expecting to see blood. There are times when I can't breathe because I am so afraid that there won't be a heart beat-- that it’s all a lie or made up. The thoughts just swirl around in my head and I can’t stop them- the best I can do is take a deep breath and attempt to push them away.

Other times I know I am pregnant- Mostly when I am nauseous. I actually welcome nausea right now because it’s reassuring. It reminds me that it’s real and there’s a baby growing that is causing the nausea. Who knew that feeling sick would be so welcoming, but every time I get hit with another wave of nausea I smile and just know that it’s real.

I’m not sure if the fear will ever really go away. Right now I’m afraid that its just not meant to be. That it is some dream in my mind—and then I know once I have my ultrasound and I see the heart beat then I am going to be afraid of not keeping the pregnancy. Once I get out of the safe zone I am going to remember that there really is never a "safe zone". Those bad things do happen all the time to good people. That I have friends that have experienced these awful things.

Fear is such an ugly thing. It robs us of all the good that we could be embracing- and while I work on forgetting the fears and living in the moment I can’t help but feel emotional. I feel emotional for all the other women who know the fear too well. I feel emotional for the Mommy’s with barren arms. I feel emotional that I don’t want to be in their shoes ver. And then I feeling afraid and feeling anything but utter joy. And then I think I may have survivoirs guilt. Why me and not everyone else? Then I feel bad for feeling that and not embracing this blessing even more.

Sometimes I wish that I was naïve. That I didn’t know that babies die; that I didn’t understand things like chemical pregnancies. Other times I try to remember that most babies make it and are born perfectly healthy and happy.

Right now in this moment- I’m a strange mixture of fear and joy. And I am not sure if those feelings will ever subside. But I am trying so hard to focus on joy. Focus on happy.  

Monday, February 10, 2014

Beta # 2 & Sweet Friends

Things are going really-really well. Today was Beta # 2 at 13dp5dt and it was 1,125 with a doubling time of 51.62 hours. Which is perfect. Normal doubling times in early pregnancy are between 31 & 72 hours and I fall nicely right in the middle there. My next Beta is Thursday. 

Every night Rob kisses my belly goodnight. He's calling the baby a boy- when I said you know it could be a girl too right- he told me to just let him call the baby a boy now. Then he told the dog (ya we talk to the dog in our house-- alot! LOL) that if its a girl he's in so much trouble. 

He said a baby girl will be wrapped firmly around his fingers. So very true. So for now its baby boy. 

I know that its against what I should do-- with all that could go wrong we're supposed to wait until its "safe" to tell people your pregnant. But, I can't help myself. When someone asks me how things are going I tell them. Then I get giddy and excited all over again.. and I'm not going to apologize for it. I also don't plan on shouting it from the roof tops- but we waited so long to say we were pregnant- I don't think I can keep this secret for very long at all.

This baby is our miracle and no matter how long He's with us I want to rejoice in his life and celebrate this moment. I want to give glory to God for allowing me this time. I want to be excited and live without fear. 

That doesn't mean I don't have my moments where I am struck by fear and panic. Where I am scared breathless and awake from a soundless sleep fearing the very worst. I am human- I'm just doing my best to pray through those moments and live in the moment and hope for the very best. 

I've gotten some wonderful gifts this last week- Elisha from Waiting for Baby Bird sent me A Seed of Hope God's Promises of Fertility- a daily devotional. Which is so inspiring and fills me with hope every single time I open it. She also sent me a Valentine's gift. It's filled with little Tootsie Rolls which are just the perfect little sweet treat. Elisha thank you so much for being such a sweet friend!! 

One of my sweet friends also sent me Gin-Gin's for my nausea. They are sticky little ginger candies (which are all natural and gluten free). I've been biting off half a candy and chewing on it until the nausea passes. 

I spent the morning planning out our Disney Dining Reservations and looking up show times. I want to see shows I haven't seen before since I won't be able to ride my favorite rides-- trust me this is a dream come true and I am not complaining. I'm super excited to get to say that I can't ride something because I'm pregnant. I'm also excited to explore some shows and things in Disney I may have over looked in the passed. 

I also ordered maternity shorts. Sayyyyy what?? Yup. I am bloated and swollen and there is no way last years shorts are going to fit me during our trip- and I was not buying the next size up to not be able to wear them this summer either-- so I took a deep breath-- prayed for the very best and ordered them. How's  that for faith that everything is going to be just fine. 

While in Disney we plan on telling Rob's parents and Sister since we are all going together. We want to tell my parents the day before we leave too. Everyone deserves to be happy with us-- at least that's our motto. 

I bought these wooden blocks from Etsy and plan to package them up with a picture frame of the ultrasound photo. Our first ultra sound is suppose to be right before we leave so I am praying everything stays as planned and no forks are thrown in the road. 

For my parents we are going  to stop over and tell them we want to leave them a key before we go just in case there are any issues at the house. Then we will give them  their package. For Rob's parents we plan to give it to them at dinner the first night in Disney. 

I'm excited- I can't wait to see everyone's faces. 

I'm also excited because I'm going to be passing some of my left over friends to a sweet sweet blog friend who will be starting her own IVF journey shortly. Not only am I so happy to be able to hand these medications over to someone who can use them and deserves them- but I can't wait to see her smiling face and give her a hug and pray with her and for her this coming weekend <3 xo

I'll leave you with this line from the card Elisha sent me- this scripture is perfect because I am continuing to trust in the Lord and I am also studying Luke right now as part of the 90 day Bible Challenge.

"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!" - Luke 1:45



Thursday, February 6, 2014


No not the time.

My first Beta is 310. According to American Pregnancy Association anything over 5 is considered pregnant. I can officially call myself pregnant! Today I am 9dp5dt- and I am literally over  the moon happy. Like if I could fly to the moon I would.

I went to the office at 07:30am and had my blood draw and finally received the results at 3pm. Possibly one of the longest days at work ever. My favorite RN asked if I had tested yet- and I told her it was positive and I was pretty positive that she was going to burst into tears in front of me. She grabbed me so tight and told me she had been thinking of me non stop. I was so glad she was there for me.

Rob and I are just beyond elated and praying that everything continues to progress exactly the way it should. I return on Monday for my next beta. I wish I had something more insightful to say, but really I can't beleive that I recieved a call from them today telling me I am pregnant. I think its going to take some time to wrap my head around.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Psalm 138:8

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me." ~ Psalm 138:8

Not he may.. Not he might.. Nope-- He WILL! 

This has been my motto since one of my oldest and bestest friends made Rob and I dinner a few nights ago and placed a card on top with that verse on it- 

Thank you Laura for being my best friend<3

I've been laying low- I hate symptom spotting because sometimes we can make so much up in our minds. Is this a symptom? Is this the extra medication? Is this my mind playing tricks on my body? I hate if's- 

But here's what has been going on for a few days- crampy, like AF cramps that come and go, nausea which was decreasing in ferocity- but has come back the last two days with a vengeance, abdominal pain on both sides where my my ovaries are, swelling/bloating in my abdomen and in my face (Im blaming the steroids on the facial swelling), did I mention nausea?? A funny feeling in my belly- like gassy.. but not? Constipation which I have been battling with since ER (TMI I know and Im sorry at some point I will be doing an entire post dedicated to the nightmare that was/is) 

I've been wavering from "just knowing Im pregnant".. to just knowing this isn't the one and preparing myself for the end.. 

Then last night I was laying on the floor at my friends house while everyone watched the game. It felt better to stretched out and I had my hands on my belly and I just "knew". I text a friend who told me I needed to just test and see and prepare myself if its negative it could still turn positive- but just test and see- 

So I have to tell you all I have been so on the fence about telling you guys the results- whether negative or positive, but since I believe so strongly in the power of positive thoughts and prayers I decided to share. 

Here are the parameters- If we are friends in Facebook land please please please please nothing  to be posted- its far too early. If we are friends in real life please instead of texting us- just say a prayer that this is it. Its not official yet, and I just want to take some time to process this information with just Rob and I.  

So here we go- please don't feel to read any farther if you are in a bad place. I get it and if you want to leave a comment I will hold you in prayer for whatever you wish to be prayed for or whatever God impresses upon my heart to pray for you for. 

6dp5dt//Second Morning Urine

It was very faint- but very much there- so I pulled out a digital- 

6dp5dt- SMU
So- it would seem that at this moment in time I am indeed pregnant! I wanted to do something so creative to tell Rob, but instead I bounded down the stairs and basically through it into his hands. 

We are both cautiously optimistic. Its pretty early. And we still have a ways to go before it official.. 

But I'm continuing my optimistic route- for this very moment in time I am pregnant.