Friday, June 28, 2013

What do you want to be when you grow up?

You know when your growing up and people always ask- "What do you want to be when you grow up?" 

I never had a real answer to that. I never had my eye on a career that was perfect to me. I never saw anything glaring in my future- Such as I didn't see myself as a 911 Dispatcher and an EMT. Its just something I fell into. 

I never had a clear picture of my future anything past living in the moment. 

I didn't really dated around as a young woman. I was with the same guy for many, many years. Mr. Toolbag and I met at 10 years old. 10 years old ya'll. I considered him my best friend. I only saw a future with him. And he was awful to me. Just awful. He used and abused me. I let him. For some reason I let him treat me like crap for many many years- until at some point- I finally had enough and my broke the tether. 

Maybe someday I will open up about the "until at some point" - the point in which Mr. Toolbag pushed me over the edge and the things that led up to it. I'm not in a point- even almost 10 years later, where I talk about this much. 

I always felt I had to be attached to him. I felt controlled by him. If he was sad- I was sad. I didn't have my own point of views. I didn't even have a favorite color of my own. 

I ate scrambled eggs. Not because I liked them scrambled- but because he did. 

I gave him everything. After I broke that tether I spent a few years actually finding out who I was and what I wanted. 

Ps. I like my eggs over easy. Not all scrambled up.

I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. 

Seriously- it still changes daily. 

But one thing I knew for sure when I spent those years finding me- I knew I wanted a family. A stable, happy, caring family. I wanted to be a mom. A totally kick-ass mom

I found Rob and one of the very first realizations I had is that we wanted the same things. We wanted a family and we wanted to be kick-ass parents. I knew he would be a wonderful father to our children. It was very early on that I realized that, which is why shortly after we married we tossed the BCP's and waited for a baby. 

Still waiting...

We have wanted this for so long. Its the one thing I know I want to do when I grow up. Its the one thing I am beyond positive about

Of course its the one thing I can't seem to make into reality. 

Its the one thing completely and totally out of my control.

I know life is all about timing. Hopefully this is our time. Hopefully now at this very moment there is some sperm meeting egg -attaching to uterus- action occurring right here inside of me. 

I know when our time comes- no matter the road we have to travel to get there we are still going to be kick ass parents. 

In other news I joined IComLeavWe this week. I am an avid blog reader and I noticed many of the people I follow are a part of ICLW. The gist of it is one week a month bloggers support one another in the form of comments. Here is the link if you too are interested as well.

And lastly- I follow this blog:

She posted a video that her husband took of her post follicle retrieval for IVF. The reason I am sharing is a) Because after reading her blog for sometime I really, really feel like I know her. I probably sound stalker-esque but she makes me laugh, she makes me cry and she brings me hope. and B) This video that I am talking about made me and Rob laugh out loud till we cried last night.  

I want to offer Who Shot Down My Stork some support while they await the call about their own sperm meeting egg drama. I feel for them because this is the only IVF cycle chance they have with insurance assisting in coverage because -for lack of the right words- their insurance company are tools. 

So this morning while I was thinking about my own struggles and sperm meeting egg drama I was reading about theirs and realized this really needs to work for them... more than our current cycle needs to work for us. I would love for both our cycles to work out this time by the way..but we still have awesome insurance to back us- so instead of dwelling on my cycle I am sending good vibes to my friends over at Who Shot Down My Stork.. I hope you will too! 

Ps- Dear Who Shot Down My Stork- I swear Im no crazy stalker. Just a women who's all progesteroned up (read emotional) and my heart totally goes out to you. Like seriously- I laughed this morning and then I cried because I was thinking of your video and your cycle. I can't imagine the emotions your going thru today. 

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