I never had a real answer to that. I never had my eye on a career that was perfect to me. I never saw anything glaring in my future- Such as I didn't see myself as a 911 Dispatcher and an EMT. Its just something I fell into.
I never had a clear picture of my future anything past living in the moment.
I didn't really dated around as a young woman. I was with the same guy for many, many years. Mr. Toolbag and I met at 10 years old. 10 years old ya'll. I considered him my best friend. I only saw a future with him. And he was awful to me. Just awful. He used and abused me. I let him. For some reason I let him treat me like crap for many many years- until at some point- I finally had enough and my broke the tether.
Maybe someday I will open up about the "until at some point" - the point in which Mr. Toolbag pushed me over the edge and the things that led up to it. I'm not in a point- even almost 10 years later, where I talk about this much.
I always felt I had to be attached to him. I felt controlled by him. If he was sad- I was sad. I didn't have my own point of views. I didn't even have a favorite color of my own.
I ate scrambled eggs. Not because I liked them scrambled- but because he did.
I gave him everything. After I broke that tether I spent a few years actually finding out who I was and what I wanted.
Ps. I like my eggs over easy. Not all scrambled up.
I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up.
Seriously- it still changes daily.
But one thing I knew for sure when I spent those years finding me- I knew I wanted a family. A stable, happy, caring family. I wanted to be a mom. A totally kick-ass mom.
I found Rob and one of the very first realizations I had is that we wanted the same things. We wanted a family and we wanted to be kick-ass parents. I knew he would be a wonderful father to our children. It was very early on that I realized that, which is why shortly after we married we tossed the BCP's and waited for a baby.
We have wanted this for so long. Its the one thing I know I want to do when I grow up. Its the one thing I am beyond positive about.
Of course its the one thing I can't seem to make into reality.
Its the one thing completely and totally out of my control.
I know life is all about timing. Hopefully this is our time. Hopefully now at this very moment there is some sperm meeting egg -attaching to uterus- action occurring right here inside of me.
I know when our time comes- no matter the road we have to travel to get there we are still going to be kick ass parents.
In other news I joined IComLeavWe this week. I am an avid blog reader and I noticed many of the people I follow are a part of ICLW. The gist of it is one week a month bloggers support one another in the form of comments. Here is the link if you too are interested as well.
And lastly- I follow this blog: http://whoshotdownmystork.blogspot.com
She posted a video that her husband took of her post follicle retrieval for IVF. The reason I am sharing is a) Because after reading her blog for sometime I really, really feel like I know her. I probably sound stalker-esque but she makes me laugh, she makes me cry and she brings me hope. and B) This video that I am talking about made me and Rob laugh out loud till we cried last night.
I want to offer Who Shot Down My Stork some support while they await the call about their own sperm meeting egg drama. I feel for them because this is the only IVF cycle chance they have with insurance assisting in coverage because -for lack of the right words- their insurance company are tools.
So this morning while I was thinking about my own struggles and sperm meeting egg drama I was reading about theirs and realized this really needs to work for them... more than our current cycle needs to work for us. I would love for both our cycles to work out this time by the way..but we still have awesome insurance to back us- so instead of dwelling on my cycle I am sending good vibes to my friends over at Who Shot Down My Stork.. I hope you will too!
Ps- Dear Who Shot Down My Stork- I swear Im no crazy stalker. Just a women who's all progesteroned up (read emotional) and my heart totally goes out to you. Like seriously- I laughed this morning and then I cried because I was thinking of your video and your cycle. I can't imagine the emotions your going thru today.