Kind of like today.

I recently read a post where someone free wrote for five minutes. The jist is to just write whatever you are thinking about for five minutes. You don't go back. You don't edit. You just write.

Like therapy.

Well- I need some therapy and so..

Today was a bizarre day where I saw someone who I haven't seen in a very long time. She used to make my heart hurt when I saw her because someone I was dating cheated on me with her. Seeing her would stir emotions of being unwanted and the emotional pain of being cheated on. In the years since I have last seen her I now realize that if it wasn't for that incident I may still be with the wrong person. That one event that I thought was quiet possibly the worst moment of my life... so bad that I didn't know if I would make it through- was a major defining moment in my future. I didn't know it at the time. At the time I was 19 and I swore that having no tomorrow would be better than living without the man I thought I was suppose to be with. Now I know that without that incident I would not be with Rob. Today when I saw this girl I actually was greatful for her. I was actually happy to see her. When she gave me a hug I can honestly say it was good to see her. Then I realized I was greatful for her. Without her I wouldn't have Rob. My Rob. Rob who is currently texting me and asking me if I am okay with hot dogs and beans for dinner. My Rob who will have a glass of wine waiting for me- chilled and in my favorite glass. My Rob who has been taking care of my garden and is getting excited over all the tomatoes we have. My Rob who still manages to give me butterflies when he looks at me with a smile that speaks more than words ever will. My Rob my perfect mate. My perfect puzzle peice.

If it wasn't for that god awful time in my life when I was 19 and I was crying so hard that I can still remember the feeling of having no air left in my lungs. Crying so hard that I scared my best friend into thinking I was going to hurt myself- so instead she sat on my bed, braided my hair and held me until I finally fell asleep. That god awful time where I thought life as I knew it was over... was really a begining.

A begining of a future that I know now. Seeing her and thinking about all this reminded me that even though I'm going through so much to get to my future. Even though I feel like I am in a fresh hell that I can't navigate out of and I can't outsmart. Even though my heart hurts so much.. and I've cried so hard that I've used all the air in my lungs. Even though my best friend has still spent time sitting by my side while I'm curled in ball as she listens to me be overcome with emotion... even though this is a god awful time in my life... it really is just a begining. Someday I will look back and be greatful. Someday I will feel differently about this journey.

Someday years from now when the sting of the pain is dull I will realize that this journey was for a reason and I will be a better person.. better wife.. better mother for it.

Kind of like today.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

You know when your growing up and people always ask- "What do you want to be when you grow up?" 

I never had a real answer to that. I never had my eye on a career that was perfect to me. I never saw anything glaring in my future- Such as I didn't see myself as a 911 Dispatcher and an EMT. Its just something I fell into. 

I never had a clear picture of my future anything past living in the moment. 

I didn't really dated around as a young woman. I was with the same guy for many, many years. Mr. Toolbag and I met at 10 years old. 10 years old ya'll. I considered him my best friend. I only saw a future with him. And he was awful to me. Just awful. He used and abused me. I let him. For some reason I let him treat me like crap for many many years- until at some point- I finally had enough and my broke the tether. 

Maybe someday I will open up about the "until at some point" - the point in which Mr. Toolbag pushed me over the edge and the things that led up to it. I'm not in a point- even almost 10 years later, where I talk about this much. 

I always felt I had to be attached to him. I felt controlled by him. If he was sad- I was sad. I didn't have my own point of views. I didn't even have a favorite color of my own. 

I ate scrambled eggs. Not because I liked them scrambled- but because he did. 

I gave him everything. After I broke that tether I spent a few years actually finding out who I was and what I wanted. 

Ps. I like my eggs over easy. Not all scrambled up.

I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. 

Seriously- it still changes daily. 

But one thing I knew for sure when I spent those years finding me- I knew I wanted a family. A stable, happy, caring family. I wanted to be a mom. A totally kick-ass mom. 

I found Rob and one of the very first realizations I had is that we wanted the same things. We wanted a family and we wanted to be kick-ass parents. I knew he would be a wonderful father to our children. It was very early on that I realized that, which is why shortly after we married we tossed the BCP's and waited for a baby. 

Still waiting...

We have wanted this for so long. Its the one thing I know I want to do when I grow up. Its the one thing I am beyond positive about. 

Of course its the one thing I can't seem to make into reality. 

Its the one thing completely and totally out of my control.

I know life is all about timing. Hopefully this is our time. Hopefully now at this very moment there is some sperm meeting egg -attaching to uterus- action occurring right here inside of me. 

I know when our time comes- no matter the road we have to travel to get there we are still going to be kick ass parents. 

In other news I joined IComLeavWe this week. I am an avid blog reader and I noticed many of the people I follow are a part of ICLW. The gist of it is one week a month bloggers support one another in the form of comments. Here is the link if you too are interested as well.

http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2013/06/icomleavwe-july-2013/

And lastly- I follow this blog: http://whoshotdownmystork.blogspot.com

She posted a video that her husband took of her post follicle retrieval for IVF. The reason I am sharing is a) Because after reading her blog for sometime I really, really feel like I know her. I probably sound stalker-esque but she makes me laugh, she makes me cry and she brings me hope. and B) This video that I am talking about made me and Rob laugh out loud till we cried last night.  

I want to offer Who Shot Down My Stork some support while they await the call about their own sperm meeting egg drama. I feel for them because this is the only IVF cycle chance they have with insurance assisting in coverage because -for lack of the right words- their insurance company are tools. 

So this morning while I was thinking about my own struggles and sperm meeting egg drama I was reading about theirs and realized this really needs to work for them... more than our current cycle needs to work for us. I would love for both our cycles to work out this time by the way..but we still have awesome insurance to back us- so instead of dwelling on my cycle I am sending good vibes to my friends over at Who Shot Down My Stork.. I hope you will too! 

Ps- Dear Who Shot Down My Stork- I swear Im no crazy stalker. Just a women who's all progesteroned up (read emotional) and my heart totally goes out to you. Like seriously- I laughed this morning and then I cried because I was thinking of your video and your cycle. I can't imagine the emotions your going thru today. 

Little fingers.

Last night I had a very vivid dream- 

Nothing new for me I dream often and remember them often. 

Last night I dreamt about a baby girl. This is not the first time I have dreamt about babies however this is the first time the baby was so vivid that I can describe her to you now. 

What she looked like, what she was wearing, how her fingers looked.. 

She had dark long hair. A full head of hair in fact. 

Deep dark eyes - the kind of eyes that pierce threw you. 

This little button nose that matched her itty bitty mouth with full pink lips. 

She was tiny. She couldn't have been more than 5lbs. 

She had these long skinny fingers with these little nails. They wrapped right around my finger in my dream. I remember the little lines on her knuckles. 

She was wearing a pink onesie and on it read "twins" in pastel colors- a green T, a yellow W, a blue I, a pink N, and a white S.

There was only one baby in my dream though. 

She talked too- like I said she was itty bitty and there was no doubt it was a dream once the baby told me it didn't hurt her for me to hold her anymore. 

We never called her by a name. Someone else was there- Im thinking Rob, but I never saw him, only heard a voice. 

The voice said "You did good". 

I have babies on the mind all the time. Like I've said I have dreamt about babies before but never this vivid and they surely have never spoke to me. 

I like to think of signs from above. Maybe God heard my prayers and knew I needed some kind of reassurance that eventually everything is going to be okay. Maybe this dream was a look into a future that I've been having a hard time seeing lately. 

I've been struggling this cycle. After building up last cycle so much and having such a let down I never let myself build this cycle up. I'm still not building this cycle up- the catch is last nights dream helped me see a future with a baby. So while I'm still not feeling wonderful, happy thoughts about this cycle - I have not lost hope in a future. 

A future where there is a baby girl with a pink onesie.. or a baby boy in blue... who really knows what the future holds- or what this dream actually means- but I really can't get those little fingers and dark piercing eyes out of my mind this morning.