Friday, August 30, 2013

Perfect Moment Monday~ In This Moment

I know. I know exactly what you are thinking-

Errrhh Kasey- its not Monday lovey.

You take too many meds today? The hormones totally getting to you?

No no.


I know. I know.

But I was out blogging about today at work. Catching up with everyone after being on vacation and hunting out new blogs that I haven’t read just yet. I was looking at the blogs on ICLW for September and happened to stumble upon this beautiful post by Kelly at Airplanes From Heaven.

Which I just absolutely adored and in turn lead me here to Lori- Lavender Luz

And what can I say- other than I fell in absolute love with this idea.

What is the idea exactly? Well to quote Lori directly-

"Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between."

What a wonderful idea. Creating a perfect moment in the midst of the crazy is how I look at it. There is so much sadness, stress, and grief that often times we casually glance over the glee, love, and life that surrounds us on a daily basis. We don’t mean to- its just easier to become all consumed in that which is tugging at our inner most heart strings instead of zeroing in on the gentle reminders that there really is good around us.

Often times I become super focused on TTC and forget to live this life in this very moment. Even though we aren’t where we thought we would be at this time in our lives we are here in this moment and its made up of so much special. I don’t want to look back on this time and think of it and not be grateful for the times I have with my husband now. The before baby(ies) time. The go where we want, when we want, without thinking twice time.

(Don’t get me wrong- I would give up this child free life in a nano second in favor of dirty diapers, sleepless nights, and every solitary single happy moment they will bring to my life.)

So that’s why Perfect Moment Monday struck a particular cord with me. It sings to me. It opens my heart and its touches into my soul. There is a song and the lyrics are coming to my mind…

That being said- for my perfect moment Monday I closed my eyes and thought of the week that has just passed. I thought about each day that has passed this week and what/where it brought me.

When I opened my eyes what stuck with me most was Sunday night. It was my last day of my 17 day vacation. I should have tucked myself into bed like a good little girl and got a good nights sleep for my return to work. Instead my husband and I –the super homebodies in our group of friends- tossed on some clothes and headed out for dinner, drinks, and cards.

I was 1 day post IUI and I know I should have avoided the drinks, but I avoid so much already. Its not like I went off the deep end and drank myself into a wild stupor – rather I had a couple drinks and laughed with my friends.

For a moment infertility was not front and center in our lives. We did not talk about IUI’s or cycle days or babies- nope not once. I didn’t even want to bring up the subject. It wasn’t on the tip of my tongue. We played cards and laughed until way later into the night then I should have. I ate gluten and didn’t think twice. I had dessert and didn’t count the calories.

I smiled and laughed more than I have in months. I left feeling refreshed and renewed and happy. I was totally in the moment. I was not thinking backwards or forwards, but rather I was present. Living in the moment.

Since my IUI I have been really trying to focus on the positive. I think I want to add living in the present into my plan as well. I’m always teetering one way of the other. Looking forward to the future- the end of my 2 week wait, the end of the month, the next cycle day 1, being pregnant, having and holding a baby… or looking back where we have been, passed cycles, could have, would have, should haves…

There is no balance in doing that. You are either teetering forward or teetering backward instead of staying balanced. Dominic the acupuncturist is always telling me I need to lead a life of balance. Balance work, play, life, future, past- balance.

It goes along with the "just relax" concept that so many try to shove down our throats. I don’t know how many times I have said- that’s easier said than done. Instead of trying to "just relax" I want to lead a life of balance.

There will be happy days and bad days and rough moments and moments of joy. Its life. Sometimes I won’t be able to relax and other times I will be floating around on cloud nine. As long as it all balances out in the end- well that is what matters most to me.

So I love this Perfect Moment Monday concept. Im so happy I stumbled across it today. Focusing on the present. Living in the moments that make up our life now. Its okay to look forward and its okay to reminisce on the passed- its not okay to not live and enjoy today.

And while Monday was far from perfect for me - rather it was a rough first day back to work on little sleep, bloated on foods I don’t normally eat, and achy from laughing the night before- I survived. I enjoyed myself.

In the moment my friends. We need to remember to stay in this moment and balance out our lives.

*Please note I missed the oppurtinity to link up to the Perfect Moment Monday posts, but I awnted to continue forward with my post none the less. Hopefully Ill be able to catch it in time next month!

Thursday, August 29, 2013

My Mama's Gravy

Last night Rob worked for the first time in 3 months. Its a part time job at the Rescue Squad that I work at. Its no where near what he was making as a Paramedic, but for now it is going to help us pay our bills and for that I am thankful. 

I always do the same thing when I feel like a celebratory meal. I make my Mama's Gravy and cook up some pasta. There is something comforting about making something that has been passed down in my family for generations. 

I can't wait to pass it down to the next generation someday. As the recipe has been passed down we each tweak it to our own family's tastes. It was a big deal when my Mom hand wrote the recipe card and passed it on to me. 

It was a bigger deal the first time I made her Gravy for her. 

Every time I make the gravy I think about my family. How lucky I am to have had the family that I did. How special my Gram was to me and how much I miss her. How awesome it was to have so many aunts and uncles and cousins growing up. 

I can't help but wonder if someday I am going to have a daughter or a son that is going to get to reflect in the same manor. My Mom is 1 of 5 and my Dad is 1 of 5. I only have one brother- though I have countless cousins. I have to wonder where the fertility fell off here. In a family of so many why can't I get pregnant? Will my son or daughter ever come to be? Will I ever get to pass this recipe on to them? Will they ever get to make their version of The Gravy for me? 

I surely hope so, but since I can't guarantee that I thought I would still like to pass the recipe on. There really isn't anything top secret about it. Its just filled with love and generations of women and men have passed this on for years. 

So I want to share this with you my bloggy friends. The only thing I ask is you make it with love, add your own twist, and share it with someone you love too. 

What you will need: 

2 Cans Crushed Tomatoes  (28oz Tuttorosso Brand) 
1 Can Tomato Puree (28oz Tuttorosso Brand)
1 Can Tomato Paste (6oz Contadino Brand- Mama always said to buy 2) 
1 Can Rotel (This is something I have added to mine)
1 Large Onion (diced)
1/2 Red Pepper (strips) 
Minced Fresh Garlic (4-6 tsp, however I use more as DH loves Garlic)
3/4lbs Ground Chuck (however I will use ground chicken or ground turkey or no meat at all sometimes) 
1/2lb Fresh Mushrooms 

The following seasonings- Salt, Pepper, Garlic Powder, Crushed Red Pepper, Basil, Oregano, Parsley, Bay Leaf, Sugar, and Parmesan Cheese 

Brown your Ground Chuck (or whatever you chose) w/ 1-2 tsp EVOO salt and pepper. Once browned saute onion and red pepper until onions are translucent- salt and pepper. Add Rotel and tomato paste- you want to mix it all up until its blending "reawakening" the tomato paste.  Then add in the crushed tomatoes, tomato puree,  and approximately 1/2 cup water (this will depend on the consistency of your sauce there are times where I have to add more and times where I add none.) Add a table spoon of all the above seasoning, 2 bay leafs, and 1/3 cup parmesan cheese.  Add in your fresh mushrooms and let simmer on low. Be sure to cover so that you don't have a tomato spotted stove. Stir frequently with a wooden spoon (This is a Gram rule lol.) After about an hour taste your sauce. My Mama always said to add 1 tsp of the above seasonings - except she leaves out the crushed red pepper- I add mine in cause we like it hot over here. You always done need to add more cheese unless you like your sauce cheesy. Continue to simmer on low- add water if the consistency is to thick or add the reserved tomato paste if its too watery. Make it early in the day because there is nothing like a fresh pot of gravy simmering all day on your stove. 

Be sure to buy a loaf of bread and dip and dunk to taste test. Add something you love to it. Make it your own. 

Always be sure to share it with love. 
My dinner w/ some Naan bread last night<3

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Just a Regular Ray of Sunshine

I follow Joel Osteen over on the land of Facebook. In my Quest of Positivity during my two week wait I was looking for some inspiring scripture or quotes. Something to lift my spirits today.

I'm not having the best or brightest of mornings. I’m certainly not a ray of sunshine right now. Part of it is returning to work after 17 days off. Part of it is having a tough time sleeping. Some of it is more people posting pregnancy announcements… and me feeling awful for feeling awful about another persons blessing.
I just feel overly aggravated with everything, and so I just wanted to turn that around. Just because my morning is trying doesn't mean my entire day needs to be trying.

I can still be a ray of sunshine even if it takes some work. Returning to work after 17 days off is a blessing- two fold- I have a job to return to and I was able to have 17 paid days off to begin with. I have no answer for the rough nights sleep other than if I let some of my worry go I am bound to sleep easier so I need to just exhale the mental fatigue and inhale some peace. Pregnancy announcements are rough. There is no way around them. I can be sad for me and happy for them. There is nothing wrong with those feelings despite what others may say. There is nothing wrong with going through the emotions you need to and process those emotions. What is wrong is dwelling on them. So I am sad that my plans haven’t worked out yet, but I am so happy for those who have been blessed.

As I was working all this out I hunted down some scripture to help with all of these emotions and feelings.

That's when I found this-

"Talk to your problems about how big your God is instead of talking to God about how big your problems are." - Joel Osteen

What an interesting concept. Instead of telling God about all that is going wrong, why not thank him for all that is going right. Instead of presenting my problems to God why not present my problems with God.
Instead of asking God to help me beat infertility- I want to tell infertility that because of God I am going to beat it. I don't know how its going to happen just yet. I’m not sure of God's plans- but he has a plan and I have to trust in it. In doing so I know that God will lead me to my answers.

I have never been the person that people turn to and say my friend Kasey is religious. I don't think some of my friends even know how strong my faith has become. Heck I don't often think of myself as religious, however if I didn't believe that God was in control I probably would be losing my mind right now.

I hate not being in control. I hate not being able to plan and move forward. The thing is having a baby isn’t something you get to plan. You can do everything right, and still not be pregnant. You an do everything wrong and wind up pregnant. Its all in God's hands.

I think that part of this journey was to help renew my faith and my trust in God. No matter what the doctors or I do if its not part of Gods plan its not going to work. We can create the best environment and pray for the best result, but God truly is in control. He really does have a plan. I have to believe in that.

He already knows what my problems are. I don't need to pray for him to fix them, because he is already working on them for me. I need to continue to move forward in my faith, keep my chin up, and trust in His plan.

I need to maintain a positive environment and know that my problems are already being worked on. I need to trust that there is a plan already in the works and I have to let control be in God's palm. He has a plan and I really am just along for the ride.

Everything really is going to be alright.

Its not too late to be a ray of sunshine today :)

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Snapshot Sunday- Positivity and Beauty

For the next two weeks I am going to surround myself with only positivity and beauty. I plan to spew forth positivity until  I can't spew forth anymore positivity. 

I plan to look passed any negativity and not engage in anything that will bring me down from my personal positivity mountain. 

Last night we went out with a few friends to where Rob and I were married. It was a beautiful night out with wonderful friends. We had a wonderful dinner and watched the most majestic sunset over the Atlantic. 

Truly we were blessed with last night. 
It was like a postcard. Picture perfect! 

Saturday, August 24, 2013

IUI #4

This morning we set our alarms and set off to procreate at the bright hour of 6:30am. We had to go to the other clinic, which is about an hour from our home, because my clinic does not do IUI's on Saturdays. 

We were able to watch a beautiful sunrise and arrived for our 7:30 drop off. Dh's counts post wash were 68 million- which is amazing. 

We had an ultra sound and there was confirmed released of my super follicle from the right ovary. My lining was still at 7mm and DH had a good count. 

My IUI was at 930 am. I felt like it went super fast and before I knew it I was told to start my Endometrin on Monday and I will be seen for an ultrasound and blood work on Friday. 

And out the door we went. 

During our ride home I just watched all the nature around us. The sun was shining, the clouds were perfectly white against a bright blue sky. 

I know its all in God's hands now. We did everything we could and everything looks great. I feel at peace with this cycle knowing there is noting else either of us could have done. If its meant to be, it will be. 

If its not meant to be we will still be okay.. but we're not going to think about that now. For now I am going to surround myself with warmth and positivity. 

So my Dear Dear super follie I hope you want to stick around for awhile. I've grown mighty attached to you and I hope that my uterus is a nice happy place that you choose to grow<3<3 

I truly hope God has chosen me to be your Mommy. 

Goodness do I want to be your Mommy<3

Friday, August 23, 2013

Dear Pam and Horizon Blue Cross..

Dear Pam, 

If you stumble here somehow and manage to read this I truly want you to know how truly thankful I am that I reached you on the other end of the benefits line today. I want to apologize for bursting into tears and making you  emotional and worried about me. Most of all thank you for fixing the billing issues. 

I know how blessed we are to have wonderful insurance. I wish so many others were as blessed as we are. For all of our IUI's up until June 2012 we only had to pay a $10 copay for each visit. The only additional payments we were required to make were for blood work in regards to progesterone because my insurance company wanted me to go to another lab for that. 

So when we received $1202.36 bill yesterday for June's IUI and July's blood work I nearly fainted. How could we go from having coverage and never receiving a bill- to receiving this large bill? This large bill that needed prompt payment prior to any further treatment. My husband lost his job in June, and at that time we switched the insurance over to my name. It is the same exact insurance company though. So what went wrong? Why don't we have coverage. anymore? Why are our deductibles threw the roof right now?? Did I do something wrong when I switched the insurance? We can't afford this is our IUI going to be cancelled?? So many questions. So much going through my mind. 

So today I went to the doctors and found that my little lonesome follicle did grow to 19mm and lining was still okay at 7mm so my IUI was scheduled for tomorrow morning. We can't afford the bill we just received, let alone go through with another IUI if there is change in our coverage right now. So when I got home from the doctors office I promptly called the benefits line. 

Thats when I reached you Ms. Pam. You took your time to explain that the issue was that all the information from our insurance when under my husbands name needed to be transferred to my name. The bills would be resubmitted, and we wouldn't owe anything. We wouldn't OWE anything. 

We are still covered. We can move forward in this cycle. I didn't do something wrong. 

We wouldn't owe anything. 

And then I started hysterically crying. You told me to take a deep breath. You promised me its all okay and there is no change in coverage. You wouldn't hang up until I stopped crying. You wished me luck. You were a human. You were like a mother. 

Pam you made my day. You really lifted a weight that had me backed into a corner. I was so scared that we were not going to be able to do this IUI. After all the other worries I have about this cycle- billing was not one of them. 

So while you may never find your way here, and you are probably currently leaning into a coworkers cubicle to tell them you just had a hysterical woman on your line- I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

You see in this journey there is already so much. I've been carrying it around and pushing forward for so long now. I put on my happy face. I don't cry often- and unfortunately for you- you recieved me at the end of my rope. 

They were happy tears Pam. Tomorrow I will go to the doctors office and have my IUI. Everything will be covered by my insurance. My super follicle has stuck around and there is no reason left that this can't work. 

So Im sorry I burst into the tears- but I am just so happy that this may be it. That after lots and lots of hurdles - maybe this is it. And you Pam- you had a part in it. 

Im so thankful. 

So very thankful and blessed. 


The way overly emotional infertile woman you just hung up with<3

Thursday, August 22, 2013

1 Perfect Follicle.

I was going to title this post "And then there was only one.." 

But there is nothing wrong with this one follicle and that title sounded far too negative. I have one perfect follicle. Nothing is wrong with it. 

Today is Cycle Day 12 and I went in for ultra sound and blood work and on my right ovary I have one 16mm follicle and my lining is at 7mm.  None of my other follicles have grown, but this one has matured and we will be able to go forward with the planned IUI. Dr O instructed me to take 150 IU of Menopur and come back tomorrow morning to see if we can get that follicle to 18mm and my lining a little thicker prior to planning out the IUI.  

Im hoping for IUI to be on Saturday since I return to work on Monday after a 17 day vacation -however one of my coworkers and good friends who reads along here- has offered to cover for me if need be. Thanks lady- you know who you are and you know you have taken some worry off of my shoulders with your offer<3

To say that I am not upset that none of my other follicles grew would be a lie. I can't help but to want more of a shot that just one, but I do understand that I only need one for it to work. So instead of letting the negative thoughts creep on in I am going to stay hopeful and positive that this one follicle really is all we need. 

It really is all in God's hands anyway so there is not much more I can do to improve our chances than what I am already doing.  He already has a plan and when we are suppose to get our baby- we will. So I need to let the negative thoughts out and fill myself with the positive instead. 

I really do like the new doctor at the practice. One thing different with him from all the other doctors is that he instructed me to get dressed and come back to the consult room after my ultra sound. All of the other doctors just have you sit there in all your pant-less glory and instruct you on the next steps. Instead he took the extra time and had me come -pants and all- to the consult room to talk to me. 

He asked how I was feeling. Asked about the Menopur. Asked if I was taking my medications on schedule. Then he discussed how he had hoped to see some more growth and more follicles so he understands that I may be upset- but we have one great follicle and not to fret. It was nice to hear that. He also instructed me to return tomorrow morning for another ultra sound and more blood work- and then shook my hand and sent me on my way. It was nice to sit down with him, even if it was only for 5 minutes- he still took the time that most other doctors do not. 

Most of all he took the time to ask how I was feeling and gave me an opportunity to ask some more questions than I normally feel I have the time to ask. 

So tomorrow I will return and then go to a acupuncture appointment. 

Hopefully this 1 perfect follicle is all we need. 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Happy ICLW~ August

Good morning fellow ICLW's. If you are not familiar with ICLW you should check it out. The premise is that comments are the new hugs and basically we're spreading some hugs- check it out here.

Some back story about me- DH (Rob) and I met in 2007 and were married in May of 2010. Rob is 10 years older than me and we knew we wanted to have kids right away. In October of 2010 I went off my BCP for a tonsillectomy and we decided to start trying after I recovered from surgery. Thus started a much longer journe
y into parenthood then we ever could have imagined. 

November 2010 was my first full month off BCP in about 10 years. We went on a trip with friend to the Dominican Republic and when we returned home I never got my period. I thought I was pregnant already- naturally- and bought every pregnancy test known to man. They all were negative but I still had no period and at that point I was almost two month late. I researched with good old Google and found those stories of women who never got a positive pregnancy test and still were pregnant. At that point I called my ob/gyn and he sent me for a beta. I found out later that day I was not pregnant. 

In February 2011 my period finally returned. It was awful and long and awful. Did I mention awful? I contacted my ob/gyn who told me that my body just needed to adjust to being off the BCP after being on it my entire adult life. He told me if we were serious about having kids than I should get my health in order and lose weight. I have been overweight basically all my life. This time in my life was the heaviest I ever was- naturally I was what I like to refer to as "fat and happy". 

In May 2011 we celebrate our 1 year anniversary on a magical trip to Disney. During our trip we discuss how we thought we would be pregnant by now and decide to work on getting healthy as a family. We decide that when we get home we will get really serious lose weight and be serious about TTC. Not that we weren't serious before- but this started the temping and OPK's and obsessing over the internet. 

In September 2011 I returned to my ob/gyn for my annual Pap. I was down 30lbs, but still dealing with long periods followed by short periods. My ob/gyn called me with the Pap results and it was found that I had abnormal cells and they needed to do more tests to make sure they were not cancerous. An entire new journey began for a year to make sure I did not have cancer. Some "cancerous like" cells were detected and I underwent a multitude of tests and a cervical scraping to get rid of any abnormal cells that were left. The experience was traumatizing and I spent a year in and out of the ob/gyn having tests and blood work and repeat Pap smears. 

It was not until my next annual appointment in September 2012 that I was told I definitely did not have cancer and that the cells were just abnormal. I had another Pap done at that time and they gave me the all clear to continue TTC. We left the office relieved and worried that something else was wrong. We left with a script for HSG and SA for DH.

In October of 2012 I had my HSG. They told me I had what they thought was scar tissue in my fallopian tubes. They were able to clear it with the pressure of passing the dye. Everything else is clear. Robs SA came back with great numbers and my ob/gyn says in the months after an HSG you are more likely to get pregnant. We grab more OPKs and are still expecting the best. 

In the months that follow literally everyone around us falls pregnant. I don't want this to sound like we are mad or upset with them at all. We are extremely happy for our friends and family. It does weigh on us though. Why not us? Why not yet? What more do we need to do? 

In January 2013 I make an appointment with the local RE. We have a ton of blood work and tests. 

Basically I have recently been diagnosed with A-typical PCOS- I do ovulate, but not all the time. I have weird cycles, but I can also have normal cycles. They can be long, they can be short, and they can be right on time. I have high testosterone and DHEAS and low progesterone. I am started on Dexamethasone .25mg every day to help with the male hormones that are high in my system. 

In April 2013 we do a Clomid 100mg cycle with IUI- BFN, possible I didn't ovulate my progesterone was very low. 
In May 2013 we do a Clomid 150mg cycle with IUI, definitely ovulated but my progesterone is still very low. 
In June 2013 we do a Clomid 150mg cycle with IUI and Progesterone after ovulation- BFN Progesterone comes back great, but still not pregnant. 

July 2013 we come up with a new plan of starting injectables and I start fertility acupuncture. I want to get my mind settled and help with some of the emotions I am feeling.

That brings us right here to August. We are in the middle of a Menopur Cycle and praying that one of my follicles matures. 

This journey has been long and full of emotions. It has wrecked havoc on some friendships and it has also garnered new friendships. My faith has been strengthened and I have prayed more over the last few years than I have during my lifetime. 

I know that there is something more that we have yet to see from this struggle and someday we will understand it all. For now I am working on keeping my faith and marriage strong and working towards our future whatever it may hold. We both know we want to be parents and we will do whatever we have to in order to reach that goal. 

Rob recently lost his job and the stress has been rough on us. I think our marriage is stronger now than it was when things were easy and carefree. We are currently in the process of assessing our life here in New Jersey and contemplating a major move away. 

I've been leaning on my bloggy friends for support and I am so glad I have you all here for me when I am stressed or sad or worried or just plain crazy. This community is amazing and if you haven't joined in yet and are just lurking- trust me- these people will help pick you up when you are down. Im lucky to call you guys my friends and have you on this journey with me. 

So happy ICLW and welcome to Stupid Broken Eggs <3

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Power of Positive Thoughts..

Thank you all for your kind words yesterday- they really made me feel much better about everything in a way the doctor was not able to.

I feel really good today. Im going to head to the local shops today with my best friend and walk around and enjoy the sun shine.

I am more than okay with 3 follicles and now I just want those 3 or even just 1 of the 3 to grow. The fact that my follicles only grew 1mm over 3 days is of concern but one of the nurses called me last night to say that Dr. V wanted me to up my Menopur to 150 IU for the next three nights to help with some growth. 

I was worried it was going to burn more with a higher concentration, but it wasn't bad at all. 

The hubby, the dog and I walked a 5k yesterday on the bike trail. Im not suppose to run right now so it was nice to get out there and walk. It was a beautiful evening and there was a nice breeze. I think we are going to try to make it something we do as a family more often. Fresh air always does the body good :)

I also had acupuncture yesterday. Dominic told me not to fret to and to just practice my deep breathing during my treatment. I had a lot more needles than I normally do especially in my abdomen and wrists. I also had the heat lamp over my abdomen. It was nice and I definitely felt more at ease once I left. 

I spent the afternoon with my Mom shopping and hanging out- I discussed us moving - which is becoming more and more of a possibility and she became very worried that we were leaving soon. 

If/when we move it won't be until the new year, but I could tell she was fretting the entire time we were together. Last night while we were laying in bed she text me and said -"If you move to Texas, we are following you guys" 

It melted my heart to think that my parents would follow us despite their entire lives being here. I don't know whats going to happen in our futures. I do know Rob needs work and he is just not finding it here. I would be delighted if my parents followed us. My Mom - while she can make me crazy at times- does mean the world to me. 

So that brings me to the real point of my post- my plan for the next few cycles was a break until December, but I have wonderful insurance coverage with my job here- and if we do move I can not guarantee that. I would also have to find a new practice and be comfortable with it. I don't know what I am going to do now, since the likelihood of us moving seems more and more real.

So many questions. So much to think about. 

All of which I have decided to promptly push to the back of my head. I need to focus on living in today. Right here, right now. 

We are in the middle of a great cycle. These follicles are going to grow and I won't have to fret about future cycles.

Ill cross the bridge if I must- but for the rest of this cycle Im going to really zone in on the power of positive thought. 

So todays positive thoughts are that these follicles are growing big and strong and are going to be ready for IUI sooner rather than later :) 

Thank you guys again for letting me spill forth my emotions without judgement. I don't know anywhere else you can let it all out and still feel cared for and find answers without fear of judgement. 

You bloggy ladies are such a great rock, support system and might I add answered questions that the doctor didn't seem to have answers too. <3 

Monday, August 19, 2013

Not the best of appointments..

Let me start out by saying I am feeling a bit defeated super duper craptastic this morning. 

Defeated, sad, let down, angry at my body... all that awful bad infertile day stuff. Its creeping in on my hope.. and here is why.. 

I went for my ultrasound and blood work this morning. If you will remember on Friday I had a wonderful check up with 5 total follicles- 3 follicles on the right 11,8, and 8 and Left I had 2 follicles 10 and 9. 


Today not only did they barely grow- but only a few grew. 

I have 3 follicles left 
Right 12 and 9 
Left 11 


Sorry for shouting. Im sad and disappointed. I really was hoping for a lead follicle of 13 and all of the original 5 to grow at least a little. 

But that was not the case today. 

I saw Dr. V today. He is not my favorite at the practice. He always seems out on cloud 9.. like spacey. This morning for example he asked me how long my cycles normally are. 

This would be a fine and dandy question say- this was my first month or two with this practice.


I've been seen here since January so to not know my cycles are all over the place makes me uneasy. Like Im just a number. Its sad, because some of the other doctors at my RE really do take time to read my chart. Maybe he was just making small talk- but it always seems like he doesn't know me and this is not my first time seeing Dr V. 

Thankfully he is not going to be the one to see me at my next appointment. Hopefully whoever is in will read my chart and treat me like Kasey. An individual. 

Anyway Dr V said that its okay and that sometimes with more follicles in the mix it stunts the growth of the others. 

Okay, fine, but are they going to mature or are they all going to be too small?

He couldn't answer that question. Only time will tell. He also said to be prepared for IUI on Saturday which means I would have to go to the farther away clinic because mine does not have Saturday hours. 

This is perfect for me. I don't mind the drive. Its not bad at all. AND I go back to work on Monday so to have to find coverage on my first day back to work after 17 days off-- well thats dicey.

I already spoke with my boss and she is on vacation next week so she can't cover me. Its going to be tricky and annoying and Lord I hope that my follicles mature and my IUI can be on Saturday, because I can't call out my first day back for because I would jeopardize my job and I don't know if I am going to be able to find coverage at all. 

I cant even think about that added stress right now. Im going to cross that rough terrain when I get there.. 

Let me pause here...let me remind myself of something...

Right foot. 
Left foot. 

It only takes one. I only need one mature healthy follicle and there is still time for it to mature. 

I have a wonderful support team. They will help me. We will find a way if it needs to be found.

I will continue to move forward with 75 IU of Menopur unless my blood work says otherwise. They will call me tonight to tell me if I need to up my dose. I will also continue forward with the .25 of Dex. 

I have acupuncture in about an hour and then I am seeing my Mom in the afternoon for a little shopping. 

Im hopeful that maybe the acupuncture accompanied with girl time with my Mom will put me in a better place. Mentally Im on a ledge right now. I am hormonal and very emotional (I was watching Good Morning America this morning and they did a story about helping infertiles fund their treatments and then introduce Lady Gaga to sing afterwards.. I cried the entire time...) 

Im teetering between my hopeful feelings and the sad defeated thoughts of let down. Part of me is already preparing myself if this cycle doesn't work, and I don't want to do that. Its not over. No where near over. It was just bad news today and that doesn't mean Thursday isn't going to bring good news.

So Im going to push those sad defeated thoughts underground...going to bury them with hopes and dreams and faith and love. I chose hope. I have to. This can work and its going to. 

All it takes is one. 

So I will spend my acupuncture appointment praying for one mature follicle. 

I return Thursday for my next check up and I am really hoping AM GOING TO to see a nice growing follicle. 

All it takes is one... 

Just one. 

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Snapshot Sunday~ Pat Summit Xo

A few weeks ago I taped ESPN's Nine for Nine- Pat Summit Xo. 

Last night I finally sat down and watched it. 

It was an hour long film featuring Pat Summit's career and life. Her son Tyler was a big part of the story. I find Pat Summit a huge inspiration and as I watched Women's Basketball while I was growing up I dreamed of playing for her. 

I would dribble up and down the court and dream of wearing that Orange and Blue. Being a Lady Vol. Having Pat Summit coach me.

Of course that never happened. I never made it to that level, but it didn't hurt to have those dreams. It never hurts to dream. 

Its funny all these years later I think Pat Summit just reached out and coached me. Maybe it wasn't on the level I wanted it to be, but she coached me.

Two lessons stuck out to me in this film. One was one of her former players Candace Glover saying one of the most important moments playing for Pat Summit was when she was benched. She missed curfew and despite being one of the best players Pat Summit benched her. This was one of the most important lessons for her- being benched.

She learned from it. She grew from it and she became a stronger player because of it. 

What a lesson. 

Sometimes during my journey I feel like Im sitting on the bench. All the time Im sitting here thinking I really want to be in the game. Im missing out on all these moments. 

But all this time on the bench is teaching me something. Maybe I can't grasp the bigger picture right now. Maybe I don't understand the lessons right in this moment, but much like Pat Summit's lesson there is a bigger force at work. At some point in time I am going to get off the bench and when I do things will be clearer. It will be a lesson on patience and I will have learned from it. 

I just need to remember that. 

So the other lesson that stuck out to me from the film was a quote from Pat Summit to her son Tyler- 

Tyler said- "My Mom would always tell me- Tyler left foot, right foot breath!" 

Its so easy to say- left foot. right foot. breath. 

Its easy to do too. 

I kept repeating it to myself yesterday-

Kasey- left foot, right foot, breath. 

Just keep moving forward. Keep on keeping on. 

So no matter whats going on. No matter what battle you are fighting you just have to keep moving forward. There really is no other option. Im not a quitter. Im never giving up. So I will keep on keeping on.

Keep on keeping on. 

And this time "on the bench" really does mean something. Its going to be worth it in the end. I can trust in that. 

And I can remember- 

Left foot. 

Right foot. 


Thanks Coach Summit! Thanks for lessons you are teaching others that may never have made it to the big stage. Maybe I never wore a Lady Vol uniform- but you have taught me none the less. 

Tenacity and moving forward.

Trust and faith.  

Friday, August 16, 2013

Houston We Have Follicles

Houston we have follicles.

Not that this has ever been a problem I always have follicles. Its them going from follicles to babies that seems to always be an issue. But, since we must start with follicles first- yay for follicles

Right ovary has 11mm, 8mm and 8 mm

Left ovary has 10mm and 9mm

All really good sized for this early in my cycle and all will hopefully continue to grow.

My lining was at 5 which is also good for this early in my cycle. Hopefully everything continues down the right path.

The plan is to continue with Menopur 75 IU and .25 Dex until Monday and go back for another ultrasound and more blood work.

Menopur isn't so bad. It does burn- without a doubt it burns- but the first dose was definitely the worse. Since that dose the other doses have no been as bad because I know exactly what to expect. The side effects are nothing compared to Clomid.

Clomid gave me awful night sweats and I have not had a single night sweat since being off the Clomid. I was laying in bed last night thinking- wow Im not sweating and I don't have to change the sheets. I like this better.

I am a bit all over the place emotionally. I go from happy go lucky and hopeful to sad and teary eyed. Its hormones- but its also infertility in and of itself.

There are good days and bad days. I think the hormones make me go from good minutes to bad minutes in no time. I was trying to fall asleep and I was thinking goodness me I am all over the place. I don't think watching The Odd Life of Timothy Green helped one bit.

I was sobbing like a mad woman. Then I was praying. Then I was laughing. Then I decided I needed to shut off my brain and just go to sleep. Which I was able to do thankfully.

All in all a really good appointment today. Monday will bring more information and another acupuncture appointment.

Hope everyone else is getting good news this cycle too :)

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

4th times the charm?

I met with my RE this morning for blood work, ultra sound and instructions on my medications this cycle. Blood work came back great. I have no cysts (WOO-HOO!) and I have 10 small follicles under 10 on the right side and 7 small follicles under 10 on the left side. We are go for injectable cycle number 1 and IUI number 4. 

I met with the APN after my ultrasound and we went over how to take my Menopur and other medications this cycle. 

The current plan is starting tonight I will take 75IU intramuscular Menopur. Continue my Dexamethasone .25mg everyday. I will take 250mcg Ovidrel trigger shot and have an IUI. They also discussed possible back to back IUI's and after ovulation I will start with 200mg Endometrin Vaginal Inserts. 

I will continue my acupuncture throughout the cycle and my APN was happy with that. 

My first set up! 
Here is an instructional video on how to mix the Menopur if you are interested. It seems pretty easy. I will see how it goes tonight though. 

I return to the RE on Friday and actually have an appointment with a new doctor with the practice. All the nurses and the APN said he is young, energetic, and always has a positivity about him. Im all about positivity. They will do an ultrasound and blood work and see how my body is responding. At that time they will let me know if I need to increase the Menopur. 

The APN went over all the side affects again, but included today was a discussion on selective reduction. Selective Reduction is a deeply personal choice. One which I will not judge, but also one that I will not make. There is no way I could personally deal with choosing to abort one of my babies if it came down to it. I was very happy with how the APN reacted when I said it wasn't an option. She said she would place a note in my file and be sure everyone is aware that I have already made that choice. They will cancel any cycles I do not feel comfortable proceeding with and there will be zero pressure. 

Rob and I need to talk about at what exact point we will cancel a cycle. Will it be at 3 mature follicles what about 4? Its a hard choice to make, but I think our faith will help to guide us. Since we aren't there yet its easy to say anything over 3 will be a no go, but like my APN said to me today  -while they don't like to do IUI's with anything over 3 follicles there is a chance they will proceed forward with more follicles depending on maturity and even though they are not mature that doesn't mean they still won't impregnate. 

I'm going to go with whatever is meant to be will find its way regardless of how careful we are and what we plan on. Its all in Gods hands anyway so no need to worry about what ifs. 

My APN said she thinks the new doctor is going to talk to me about having a PCOS diagnosis. She really didn't go into much detail, but said that I have lots of cysts, off cycles, and lots of little follicles and she thinks they want to classify my as A-typical PCOS, but the doctor would have to talk to me about that. I guess a diagnosis is a good thing. I feel like that is what I have been treated for anyway at this point. 

In other news AF reappeared with a vengeance. I feel pretty crummy and it fits the weather here. Its been a day full of torrential down pours, high winds, flood warnings, and tornado warnings. Rob and I had no problems at our home other than minor bathroom flooding that we still haven't repaired from Super Storm Sandy and our roads were flooded in our development, however the house in the cul de sac next to us was struck by lightening. Thankfully everyone is okay and safe and the inside of their home was spared however they suffered damage on the exterior of their home and had a chimney collapse. 

We are going to visit our friends who had their twins tonight. I hope we get to see the babies and Im hoping I can keep my emotions in check, because AF also came with crazy hormones that have been racking havoc on me and my tear ducts. Another one of my friends is at the same hospital in labor right as we speak, so I hope she has that baby and is up for a visitor when we pop in. I am looking forward to a little baby dust from the new borns. 

Monday, August 12, 2013

I found AF!

I finally found AF!

All that relaxing yesterday must have helped, because I got home from the pool and typed up my "Snapshot Sunday" blog post and shizam period. 

Nothing like a 40 day cycle to make you appreciate your period  absolutely insane. 

So I called the RE today. I go in tomorrow for Cycle Day 3 ultrasound, blood work and to learn about my medications this cycle. 

I also went to my acupuncturist today. I think it was my best session so far. I had 10 needles in me and the infrared lamp on my lower abdomen. I have been extremely uncomfortable since my period started. The warmth on my uterus was just what the doctor ordered. I told Dominic -my acupuncturist- that I wanted to take his light home with me and keep it over my uterus for the length of my period. Its so much better than wearing a heating pad or using those disposable heating pads. 

I laid on the table for about an hour and just stared out the window. I listened to the music. I practiced deep breaths. I relaxed and I talked to God for the extent of my time there. The blue sky with white clouds just called to me. 

I thanked God that my friend delivered her twins last night safely and they are both healthy and everyone is doing well. 

I thanked God for a job that allows me to take time off and relax.

I thanked God for all the blessings that Rob and I have in our lives. 

I prayed for Rob to find a job or some answers for what we are going to do soon. 

I prayed for a good cycle ahead of us. 

I watched out the window and saw the breeze in the trees. The birds flying around. I was truly grateful for today. 

After acupuncture I was filled with a calmness that I haven't had in awhile. I know whatever is meant to be will be. This cycle is filled with hope for me and I have a good positive vibe going into it. 

I walked the Ocean City boardwalk and just thought about our future. Our baby that is out there somewhere and I felt serene and ready for whatever the future holds. 

Im happy, Im relaxed, Im thankful, and I am hopeful. I haven't been this relaxed accompanied with this peace filled feeling the entire time we've been called infertile. I think its a good sign. 

Definitely a good sign. 

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Super Relaxed Snapshot Sunday~

So my best friend was texting me this morning that she didn't want to scrub her floors.

And I was saying how I didn't want to weed the garden. 

We did this instead- 

and it was amazing! 

Saturday, August 10, 2013

And then this lady left her 1month old in her car..

Yesterday this happened.

To summarize a women left her 1 month old baby strapped into the car seat in the back of her car when she went to shop at - BABIES R US. 

This happened in the town I work EMS in. I am very thankful I was not working because there is a chance no doubt in my mind if I was on this call I would have found this woman and gave her what for. 

I also would have had grave difficulty putting the baby down. The baby was in serious condition and transported with EMTs and Medics to the area hospital.

I am not nieve. I am sure accidents happen. She may have been sleep deprived and shut the door, walked into the store- FULL OF BABY ITEMS -and in that instant she should have went running like a lunatic back to her vehicle to get the baby. 

If it were not for a good citizen who was passing by and saw this was wrong and called 911 this could be a sadder story. The worst part is the mom did not come right out.. they had to wait awhile for mom to reappear and arrest her on child endangerment charges. 

Seriously. I would have lost my marbles on this woman. 

If I wasn't treating the baby and had the chance or I was a passerby of the situation I would have went running into the stores until I found her. 

When I found her in Babies R Us I would have asked her the name of the store she is in. Does she have a baby? Where is that baby right now? 

Oh ya. Locked in your car -literally cooking!! 

Do you know what I would give to have a baby? Do you know how many friends I have that would give the same to have a baby? To love a baby? 

Do you know how many people in this world struggle every single day with the inability to have a baby? 

And you just lock yours in a hot car? You didn't think as you were passing isles of baby items about where your baby was? 

I would probably have lost my job. I would probably have been crying. I would have been begging for them to let me care for this child. 

This is just proof that even though your uterus works just fine it doesn't mean you are fit to be a mom. 

And just because my uterus doesn't work it doesn't mean I am not fit to be a mom. 

I pray for this baby. I hope he/she grows up healthy and strong and loved and is never forgotten about in a car again. 

I pray for this woman. I hope that she realizes what a gift she has. I hope she never forgets another child in a car or anywhere for that matter. 

It really just baffles me. I know I am not a mother yet. I know that things will happen and I too will make mistakes- but I am positive that had I shut that door (which I really don't think I would ever be that sleep deprived to do) -but lets just play along- the second I walked into the BABY store to buy my BABY items I would have went running back to my vehicle. 

I would have held my child and cried. I would have been so scared of what could have been. 

I really am thankful I wasn't there. Even more thankful that passerby was and did the right thing and that patrol broke the window and got the baby out.. that medics and emts treated the baby and that I know that child is in good hands at our local hospital. 

I hope the publicity of this story in our area will help prevent someone else from doing the same thing. 

I hope something good comes from this. 

Friday, August 9, 2013

Where o' where is AF..

Still no sign of AF. 

Its like Cycle Day 1 (aka my hope) is taunting me. 

(Come out, come out wherever you are..) 

I have tested every part of 20 times. 

20 BFN's.

This morning I had a Beta drawn. Its my first day of vacation. I am basically positive I am not pregnant.   Im also positive that while we are out running errands today- which includes a trip to Walmart- I will be standing at the checkout when they call and tell me its negative- and I realize this logic is silly- I will still have some sort of emotional outburst. 

You see its one thing to "know" your not pregnant. Its another thing for your nurse to "tell you" your not pregnant. 

I wish I had something enlightening and hopeful to say, but I just don't have it. 

I do know that what is meant to be will be and I really have no control over it. 

Also if the nurse calls and says Im pregnant while I am at Walmart Im pretty sure I will pass out and I do hope my friends on the EMS crew in town just let me be lol. 

In happy good news- today I weighed in with Weight Watcher's and I am -2.6 lbs. 

So my first goal is to lose 10lbs and Im 2.6/10

So yay. Weight Watcher's works when you work Weight Watcher's. 

Yesterday was a completely GF free day too and this morning I only had 8oz of coffee and guess what I am not shaking in a corner :) 

Hopefully Cycle Day 1 comes out from wherever its hiding. I have never wanted my period to start so bad in my life. 

If you've seen AF send it this way.. 

*Update my nurse just called my beta is negative. I will wait it out for a bit and call them next week to schedule an appointment to discuss brining AF back if she's still MIA. Thankfully I was still at home and not at Wally World AND I didn't have a breakdown..