My Hair Tie Moments

I'm pretty sure the title says it all- the biggest side effect I have noticed as of now is that my emotions are completely off the charts. I go from the happiest person alive- laughing and joking and smiling to the opposite end of the spectrum and find myself all out crying and in fits of hysterics. 

My husband is a saint.At some point in time I am going to give him a present for dealing with me and my emotional craziness- I pray that the gift is a baby and it comes in about 9 months nice and healthy :) <3

Here is the low down on the medications- 

I can't decide which one I dislike more this go round. Don't get me wrong- I will take them 100 times over if it means a healthy, happy baby in the end. However, if I am being real-- they do suck. It's not something I would willingly do just for the heck of it.

Menopur- which I have taken in the past is causing the same issues I had in the past. It burns and the gauge on the needle is small so it takes longer to push the medication into the body, which means the burning is prolonged. 

Some say to ice the area, however I was advised by my nurse to try to avoid that so that the medication can disperse. I don't like the burning by any means, but I can deal with it so I haven't been icing at all. 

Gonal-F - This is the new one for me. The gauge on the needle is larger-- so it hurts much worse when you are inserting it into the skin, however the medication get pushed much faster since it is larger making the experience quicker overall than the Menopur.

I've been doing the Menopur first right now- mainly because I have to mix the Menopur and the Gonal-F I have doses already mixed up. So I burn and then the burning goes away because I stab and the stabbing pain takes over and then its all over and I treat myself with a glass of milk and a Hershey Kiss Cherry Cordial. Nom nom nom. 

So for the hormonal rage- Rob and I have come to call them my  "Hair Tie Moments"- 

On Saturday my Mom text me and asked me if I was working. I was in the midst of tying my hair up since Rob and I were heading out to run errands and it was raining. The second she saw I wasn't working she called me. I ended up leaving my hair tie on the bathroom sink and walking down stairs. When our conversation was over Rob and I left for our errands and I never put my hair up. This normally wouldn't really phase me. Sure I may be a tad annoyed that my hair was blowing all over in the rain, but I wouldn't let it throw everything off. 

Well, let me tell you. I was a hot mess. I was so upset that I didn't have this hair tie. I wanted to burst into tears and at that moment I realized I needed to just take a breather and relax it was just a hair tie. Rob and I even laughed over it. Rob told me to- "Chill out Incredible Hulk". So we've been joking and laughing about that since.

On Sunday I text Rob (he was at work) to  tell him about my "Hair Tie Moment" of the day. I figure its best to laugh about it. Sunday I went to Church, came home and promptly relaxed by binge watching Roseanne. 

Little secret- Roseanne reruns are by far one of my most favorite things, because typically they just make you laugh and laugh and laugh. However, on Sunday they played two episodes that have a serious undertone- One the Conner's are faced with a tornado. Now even though I know that the Conner's survive this natural disaster and go on to live another eight seasons, and even though I've seen this episode every single bit of 100 times I found myself crying my eyes out. 

Then of course after that episode Darlene has to have an appendectomy. Goodness me. I was snotting and losing it. What if my kid ever has to have an appendectomy!! Ohhh. 

Like I said Good Gravy!

I text Rob and told him I was sad about the Conner's life struggles and I knew I was crazy for it. Thankfully he laughed with me about it and no one was harmed in my hormonal fits, but I am sure that this is only the begining. 

Other than that I feel okay. A bit bloated and crampy, but okay. 

I go tomorrow for a follicle scan, lining check and blood work. I will be really really happy with 10 eggs for retrieval, but anything over 3 is considered a success and they will move forward with the IVF. Anything over 10 would be amazing. I'm doing my best to stay upbeat and positive no matter what we see tomorrow. Praying that tomorrow we get to see some growth as we move forward in this amazing journey.

IUI 6 ~ TOMORROW What in the What..

I just got home from the RE with some crazy news.. my IUI is going to be tomorrow- cycle day 11. 

This is the earliest my eggs have ever matured....ever.  

My lining was 6mm- which is kinda junk, especially since last cycle it was 14mm, but last cycle also drug on and on and I took many more doses of Menopur. Last cycle also failed- so 14mm lining isn't all that anyway- maybe 6mm is. 

6mm isn't god awful. 6mm is just fine. Just fine. 

Right Ovary- 21mm, 18mm, 14mm, and 13mm
Left Ovary- 18mm <~~ look who was hiding in there all along! 

I was so surprised. Not just cause the left ovary had a follicle growing in there all along, but I really wasn't thinking tomorrow. Its wasn't even on my radar at all. I knew things were moving along well this cycle, and everyone was growing and I was praying to see someone hit 20mm today at this appointment, but I truly wasn't expecting it to really happen. 

I just took my Ovidrel shot, and we go tomorrow morning at 7:30 am to have my IUI in the Marlton office- I had to call out of work. 

I was hoping to find someone to cover this shift so I could go meet up with Charity at The Word Of A Nerd, but God had other plans for me tomorrow. I'm sorry I won't be meeting you tomorrow Charity, but I'm praying so hard that when we do get the chance to meet up again its because this day was planned by the Lord for other things.. 

As I was driving home from the RE Carrie Underwood's Jesus Take the Wheel came onto my radio. 

Jesus Take the Wheel - if you have never heard it click here and listen to it. I am positive you will be able to relate. 

                                             "Jesus Take The Wheel"

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Oh, Jesus take the wheel

Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

Oh, take it, take it from me.
Oh, wow, ohhhhh.

As soon as this song came on I promptly burst into tears. Happy tears. I'm one of those people that tend to think that everything happens for a reason. Some reasons we can't ever really explain or we don't fully understand, but I know that every choice I have ever made and every path I either chose to follow or chose to ignore, all of the mountains and obstacles I have climbed over and overcome- they are all leading to making my life what it is and what it is meant to be, and making me who I am and who I am suppose to be. Its all part of a bigger plan- the bigger picture. 

I guess what I am saying is- maybe there are reasons that I don't know yet as to why we were never able to get pregnant on our own. Maybe there is a reason that IUI's 1,2,3,4, & 5 did not work. A reason that we have waited 3 years and maybe- just maybe its for this to be our chance. Some of these follicles to be our baby(ies). A reason we have waited. 

Almost all of my friends were pregnant this this year together and maybe we were waiting- maybe so that our pregnancy would be our own. So that our pregnancy would happen exactly as God has always planned.. I can't help but let my mind wander to expected due dates, maternity photos, and the such. Its not easy to let it wander that far, because if there is anything I have learned -nothing is guaranteed  but if I don't let myself wander then I feel like I am dooming things before we hit start. I chose hope, I chose to let my mind wander, I chose those happy thoughts.. and I know not everyone will agree with that and that is okay, because this is how I chose to handle this cycle... our cycle.. 

I don't know if this cycle will work, but I have to keep the faith that there really is a reason for all this. There really is good stuff coming our way. I have to hope that this is the start of good news.. 

I can so relate to this song- 

"Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline

It'd been a long hard year"

Sometimes we ask why God? Why?! And our faith runs low. Im not asking that. Im just saying that I am ready. We are ready. No why's here today. 

It really had been a long hard year. The hardest of our married lives, but we have learned to come together and we have learned what giving 100% of ourselves to one another means and seen what it looks like.. 

                                        "Jesus take the wheel

Take it from my hands

Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go

So give me one more chance

Save me from this road I'm on

Jesus take the wheel"

So Jesus take the wheel. We can't do this on our own. There is still a miracle that needs to take place. So while my body is ready- we need Jesus to take control- take the wheel and give us our miracle. 

I have to let go of the control. We can do everything right- eat right, sleep enough, hydrate well, take our medications on time, have wonderful follicles, great lining, spectacular sperm counts- but without that miracle- without Jesus taking the wheel- it just won't be. 

(source)

So my prayer is for strength and peace. To know that whatever happens is Your will. You are ultimately in charge and all of this waiting is building us to be better parents. 

All of our challenges this year, while they have left us feeling bruised -both figuratively and literally- are uniting us closer in our marriage. Our financial struggles have taught us to appreciate the little things more and taught me how to really stretch the dollars that we are blessed with. The leaks and water damage in our home have taught me more about patience than I ever thought I would be able to understand. All of the friendships that we have garnered threw our various struggles have taught us about love- the power and strength of love. All of these struggles have renewed my faith and taught me to pray stronger and harder than ever. So I am praying now- for our miracle. For our turn. Our time.

Jesus take the wheel... because we can't do this on our own.... 

Raising My Voice and Renewing My Faith

Just a little post about the big issues that infertiles are dealing with on a daily basis...

　

I have recently read so many blogs here recently tell their story's about their financial struggles and/or their inability to fit their treatment into their work schedule.

　

I truly am so blessed to have so much coverage- to name a few things that I have covered with only a co pay to submit-

　

- All diagnostic testing for infertility

-IUI's under no limit

-Donor insemination under no limit

-Fertility medications

-IVF, GIFT, and ZIFT procedures

-IVF 4 retrievals per lifetime

- Donor Eggs

　

Like I said I truly am blessed. I think everyone's insurance should hold some all of these very same benefits- and then some. I strongly believe that it is beyond not fair that insurance will cover birth control, but not cover infertility treatments. I really hope that in my lifetime I see a change in this coverage and anyone can have the treatment they need, without the financial constraints that many of you face daily.

　　

I also am beyond blessed to have an understanding boss. I think that her being a woman helps- not that all men don't understand- but a woman truly does understand the cycle and that there are specific needs for me being at the doctors office at specifics dates and times.

　　

Pammy J if you happen to stumble upon this I really do know how lucky I am and I can never thank you enough for your understanding.

　

You see Pammy J will come in early to cover me herself if I need the coverage to go to an appointment. She will help me figure out a schedule. Assist me in finding my days off and most of all offer a shoulder if I seem to be off mentally.

　

I really am blessed. I know that this baby that we are trying so hard to have is truly going to be so very blessed as well.

　

I wish you all were granted the time off from work when you need it to go to the appointments you need to as well. My heart aches when I see posts about financial hardship and time off issues compounded with your personal infertility issues.

　　

Isn't it unjust enough that we don't get to have baby's the old fashioned way? Why do we have to deal with the injustices of finances and schedules to add to it?

　

I think that part of the reason I am on this journey is to help make a change. Whether is just be locally- to raise a voice that infertility is far more common than most people can imagine- or globally if my voice can reach out... combined though all our voices will make a difference.

　　

I hope that if my children happen to suffer from infertility that their journey's are easier. That their desire to have a child doesn't have to be compounded with hardships that are out of their control.

　　

I saw this quote on a beautiful guest post by Caroline at Team Harries Beats Infertility -

　

"Rather than ignoring or punishing us, God is allowing our experiences to mold us in anticipation of the blessing He has planned. That gift is coming" – Susan Radulovacki

　

Along those lines I think that he is also using these experiences to help us make a change. There has to be a bigger reason for all of this. I think part of my reason is to help raise awareness.

　　

I also think that this journey has helped me renew my faith. I’m not the most religious person- in that I don't attend church every Sunday and some days I have a mouth of a truck driver. But, I do have my faith. I believe and I trust in God always. I have seen prayer work and I pray daily.

　　

I think sometimes we forget about our faith when we feel like were getting beaten down. Sometimes we lose sight of what really matters and what the bigger picture is. Or we renew our faith... we become stronger in our trust in God due to our struggles.

　　

I think I have found some of what my bigger picture is- a voice to raise awareness and a renewed faith and trust in God.