Thursday, May 30, 2013

On Pineapples and Pain

On the subject of pineapple- I’ve been reading a lot about women and their obsession with pineapple during their 2 week wait.

There is some hub-bub about pineapple helping implantation and uterine lining.

There is also counter hub-bub that too much pineapple and too late will increase chances of a miscarriage.
Anyone dealing with infertility knows you will try just about anything to get that BFP.

Since I do believe strongly in homeopathic and natural healing I figured it would help me to look into it and research it myself.
Here is the long story extremely short- Pineapple contains Bromelain. Bromelain is thought to be a naturally occurring ant-inflammatory agent and in some of the research I have done I see that its being used in cancer treating research and to slow blood clotting. In cooking its used mainly as a meat tenderizer.
So why do women TTC think its used to aid in implantation?
Its also thought to aid in cervical mucus which will aid in implantation.
The Bromelain is found primarily in the pineapple core- so if you are testing this out to aid in implantation you should stick to eating the core of the pineapple.
I’ve read that it is best to eat on an empty stomach and to not consume to early in the cycle because it can make your cervical mucus too acidic.
This article provides their opinion on all things involving TTC and the Pineapple Connection (its my favorite that I found because its not written for a rocket scientist and a stressed out IF'er like myself can follow along)

So what about the miscarriage hub-bub?
According to my research Bromelain can also cause the cervix to thin leading to early labor or miscarriage. Along those lines you would need to eat mass quantity of pineapple AND remember that the Bromelain is mainly found in the core so you would need to eat mainly the core to even consume remotely enough pineapple for this to become possible.
Some additional things to remember-
Bromelain from pineapple is only found in fresh pineapple and primarily the core- pineapple juice and pre- packaged pineapple will not have Bromelain in it.
There really isn't a ton of research on this stuff and its seems like there is a lot of old wives tails out there.
Pineapple is super high in sugar- even if its healthy and not a donut so if you are consuming it you may want to avoid it if you are a diabetic or suffering from gestational diabetes.

 Look at me all uploading a picture and everything ;)

Soo Kasey what's you "pineapple plan?"
If I feel like eating a bit of pineapple then I’m going to. I really don't think that pineapple alone is going to change my uterine lining enough to have any real affect on implantation-I also don’t think there is enough research into the subject- therefore I'm not going to base my hopes on implantation of eating pineapple core. Which- by the way- how good is the core of the pineapple anyways?

I also will probably avoid pineapple during my pregnancy- when that happens- purely due to the amount of sugar it contains and issues that I have with my blood sugar on a normal basis. I am not diabetic but I do run high on a normal basis and come from a family of diabetics- I will run a super high risk for gestational diabetes and so I will try to avoid anything super high in sugar to hope for the safest environment possible for my littles.
-Other things going on today -
I am 3 days post IUI and I have been having a lot of cramping and pain. I really am 100% uncomfortable. Its all in the area of my uterus and lower back. It almost feels like the start of a possible UTI and if its persists into the weekend I will probably look to getting to my doctor to make sure its not a UTI. For now I am just dealing with it and trying to stretch. I don't want to take anything for pain or use an antibiotic right now. I really want my body to do what its suppose to do right now and not complicate that. Im hoping that the cramping and pain are either purely coincidental or good stuff going on.

3 days down 11 day wait to go...

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Hope, Faith, and Love

Not too much going on in our world today. The next two weeks are going to feel like forever.
I talked to my Mom today and told her about yesterday's IUI. I’m very close with her and she is aware of our struggles. There are times I wish I didn't share everything with her- but honestly its nice to have my Mom to talk to. I told her about the fact that if this IUI works there is a very real chance of multiples. Its the first time I said those words out loud to anyone really.

The thought makes me hopeful - since I have always wanted a big family. My emotions range from excited and emotional about the thought --

But it also makes me worry- how would we afford that, our house is too small, what if there are complications.. so on a so forth..

My online blogging friend Heather and I have been talking a lot today about our two week waits- which coincide exactly. She sent me this bible verse this afternoon- she is also looking at a very real possibility of multiples this go around. Like me she says she just senses it could be the cycle and she feels multiples.
It’s a weird feeling- like its meant to be… I will be happy with whatever we are blessed with equally… just a hunch if you will..
(For the record I am not super-duper religious however I believe strongly in the power of prayer and that God is always listening. To further this record I often pray to my Grandma G and not to God because I believe he has a lot going on and she is my true angel)
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11
Along those lines we also discussed how no matter what happens this cycle- blessed with pregnancy- or multiples- or another BFN- the Lord will help guide us and move us forward in the right direction. We will find a way -no matter what happens- to move forward. To continue to love one another and the life we share.. When the time is right our paths will be shown to us and only then will be truly understand the struggles we have faced so far..

I continue to feel extremely hopeful- almost giddy- about this cycle. I know there isn’t a "baby" or "babies" in there yet - but I've been talking to my belly today.. telling the little cells to multiply and implant and grow.

My heart is full of love and I want nothing more than to share it<3

Like the trusted and true Bible verse reads- Hope, Faith, and Love- but the greatest of these is LOVE.

Monday, May 27, 2013

IUI # 2

So after much stress and schedule changes to get there we had IUI # 2 today.

I went to a different office and saw a different doctor- (and now we pray for a different outcome as well) who off the bat made me feel so good about this cycle. He greeted me by shaking my hand and said- "I feel lucky don't you here's some luck"

A lot of this process is about luck. Getting the good eggs. Getting good counts. Getting good lining. Luckily finding coverage to get there.

I asked for an ultrasound prior to IUI to determine if I actually ovulated. He said while they don't normally do this at this practice it can't hurt anything and he obliged. I definitely ovulated the two larger follicles and there is a possibility that I ovulated a smaller follicle as well. I felt much better knowing I definitely ovulated. Rob's counts were almost double our last IUI at 46 million post wash.

The IUI itself was very painful compared to the last IUI. Dr P said it could be due to the Clomid and how it messes with the cervical mucus. The pain was gone after the procedure was done and I feel fine now. We talked about what happens if there is a next cycle. We will try one more Clomid cycle since I did respond well to it this cycle. They probably will not go up to 200mg with it however it will depend on my 7 days post IUI blood work to determine the definite next treatment plan. We also discussed the possibility of progesterone supplementation. Dr P told me we will wait to see what my progesterone is at 7 days post IUI. If it is low we will proceed with progesterone supplementation. He said that he has seen people with progesterone as low as mine was last cycle and still conceive.

All in all everything is aligned for a good cycle.

All in all I really think this is the cycle. I know I have felt that before-- but this time I feel like maybe something is different<3

Now we wait :) --I am soooo sick of waiting FYI

Prayers and well wishes- baby dances- always always welcome<3

Friday, May 24, 2013

Overcoming more obstacles..

This cycle would be nothing if it were not for obstacles.

This entire journey has been one giant obstacle.

I had my CD 12 ultra sound today. All follicles were on my right side there was a 20mm, 17mm and a 14mm and 12mm. My lining was at 7mm. I met with the head of the practice today and we talked about my progesterone levels and discussed taking progesterone suppositories - he wants to wait for my blood work to come back and I am okay with that.

I will take my ovidrelle trigger on Saturday night and they want me to have my IUI on Monday.

Memorial Day Monday my friends - of course I was off, however a co-worker needed a favor and so I picked up his shift for him.

Now I need to find coverage for myself- not an easy feet when the entire weekend is suppose to be a washout- except for Monday, when the sun is supposed to shine down on us.

They also have me going to a office about an hour away because the office down here will be closed on Monday.

So now we are trying to figure out coverage and getting up there. Its added stress that I could truly do without- but we will figure it out. We will find a way.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Snapped- why dispatchers on Clomid are dangerous beings..

Its hard for me to figure out how much is medication, how much is normal me, and how much is stress- but this cycle's mood swings have been pretty rough.

Im pretty sure that I should come with a disclaimer taped to my forehead-

"Hormonal Rage Ahead" 

I was working the other day and someone called 911 screaming and cursing at me because I asked what they need the ambulance for.

Normal Kasey can calmly defuse the caller-

Hormonal basket-case Kasey reprised a starring role in "Snapped- dispatcher on Clomid loses her shit"

I just could not, would not, deal with this guy cursing at me.  I screamed right back at him to stop cursing at me. I dispatched his ambulance and then - I cried. Like weeped.

I know that I shouldn't have yelled at him- but for the record he had it coming.

I was crying so hard I was sobbing and my poor male partner stared at me with the "WTF" glow in his eyes.

I sobbed that I was going to be on an expose on 60 Minutes and Barbara Walters was going to be talking about how I am a terrible person cause I snapped on a 911 caller.

Then I started sobbing because I was sobbing. Crying because "I don't know why Im crying".

No joke.

I then went outside to calm down and at that point I started cracking up. I couldn't help but laugh at myself. Hysterically laugh at myself.

My poor partner was staring at me when I walked in with hysterical bouts of laughing.

He was a trooper- though Im sure he went home to his wife and hugged her extra hard. Then they probably held hands and prayed for my poor husband lol.

Luckily he has been spared my insanity so far- thats because we are basically working opposite schedules right now.

Good planning on his part.

Tomorrow morning is my follicle scan. I hope that there is good news and these crazy mood swings start to dissipate.

If not be sure to catch me on my "Snapped" or "60 Minutes" episodes.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

You know what makes me crazy?

You know what drives me batshit bananas crazy?
Women who are pregnant and spend all their free time proclaiming to the world how ill they feel, how large they feel, how uncomfortable they are, how much pregnancy sucks.. etc etc etc.  
Listen- I’m not naive I am sure that there are parts of pregnancy that suck the big one. But, seriously complaining about it every six point six seconds is surely not going to change the fact that you don't feel well.

Posting it on social media is surely not going to do anything but garner sympathy. Which is exactly what you want if I had to guess.
What makes me beyond batshitcraycray?
People who struggled to get pregnant and then shout from the roof tops how sick they feel.

Sure I am positive that at some point when I get pregnant I am going to complain somewhere to someone about feeling ill.
But I promise you this - I will cherish every bout of morning sickness, every ache, pain, every ounce of weight I get to gain, anything I have to deal with I will deal with - and I will do it with one thought in mind- I am carrying a child and if being uncomfortable and puking for 40 weeks is what I need to overcome to welcome a child into this world so be it.
With all the heart ache and pain that others are dealing with in Oklahoma right at this moment in time I truly wish some people would step back, shut the eff up, and realize how blessed they truly are.
Hell even me- who is having a tough week and feeling stressed and unlucky  HORMONAL-- even I realize I am one of the lucky ones. I have so very little worries in this world today compared to those who don’t know where they will sleep tonight or worse- those who lost a child in this tragedy.
So I guess if I can leave you with one thing today it would be to cherish what you have. Even if you are struggling with something. Even if you are puking your guts up for 40 weeks and your ankels are swollen.Even if you are feeling unlucky- someone - somewhere is much much worse off.
All my prayers to Moore<3

Monday, May 20, 2013

Balancing Act

This weekend our hot water heater broke. Sometimes I feel like we really can not catch a break.
If its not one thing it really is another.
My hope is that the universe can't give us lots of good things all at the same time- so to offset the good we are presented with some bad- this version of bad involves ice cold showers.
My hope is that means we have some good coming our way. In order to balance things out.
My hope is renewed that maybe this cycle is the cycle.
My hope is that keeping a good attitude and staying upbeat and positive is going to work out eventually.
I know deep within my heart that Rob and I are meant to be parents and when the universe is ready to bless us with that and stop testing our tenacity-- we will be.
So I truly hope the tides are turning and the good times are coming.
Come on little follicles lets grow, grow, grow...

Friday, May 17, 2013

Some awesome things about me.. (other than my broken lady bits)

So every single night I attempt to focus on the good in the day. I start a "3 Good Things" thread on my Weight Watcher's Board and choose the 3 best things that I can find in the day and put them out there.
I'm not going to lie -- some days its definitely more difficult to find something good in my day-- but no matter how miniscule something good is always there.
Always. Always. Always.
So today instead of focusing on my broken lady bits I would like to focus on the good stuff I got going for me.
So today in honor of my daily "3 Good Things" here are 3 things about me that I think rock :)
My Love- I am a passionate, intense, fierce lover. Chances are if I love you no matter you do to me I will find it in my heart to still love you. That being said I can't say I love a ton of people. Honestly most people bother me and annoy me. I’m socially awkward and it makes relationships a bit difficult for me- however the ones I have are pretty damn special. The love Rob and I share is beyond special. He gets me. I can’t put into words what its like for someone to just "get" you. He leaves me alone when I need to be left alone, he wraps his arms around me when I need arms wrapped around me and he loves me back unconditionally the way no one in this world ever has -- other than my parents. We have been through ups and downs and infertility (its a class all of its own!) and the man still manages to give me butterflies. I still get excited when we have nights off together and I still enjoy every moment we spend living this life. I don't take a second of it for granted. I also have some of the most amazing friends who wrap their arms around me and I in turn wrap my arms around them. I have so many rocks that I can call mine. I also have an amazing family. My parents have taught me to be independent and a hard worker. They taught me that you don't just get something for nothing- it requires effort. My mom taught me that a woman can do anything if she sets her mind to it. I have watched my mother move mountains to make things happen. She inspires me to do the same. All and all I am truly a lucky woman. I don't feel damned because my ladies pieces aren't exactly cooperating at this very moment- I just can't wait to share all this love once we are blessed with a life of our own.
My Ability to Multitask- I know what your thinking- sooo random- right? But its true. I am a dispatcher by trade. I spend all day long holding 3,4,5 simultaneous conversations. For some this is the stuff their nightmares are made of but the fact is I thrive on this craziness. Its something I love- the busier - the better. There is a sort of high you get when so much is going on and you can keep a handle on it. When shits hitting the proverbial fan and I can hold it all together, remain calm, and get things done. I take pride in it. I enjoy it. I’m truly very good at it and proud of what I can accomplish.
My Past- So most people write off their past. They stick in a drawer- push it to the back- and don't dare to open it up for fear of ripping open old wounds. Not me. I’m very proud of where I am now- compared to where I was then. Its no secret that I didn't exactly walk the straight and narrow as a teenager and young women. Lots of women dealing with IF often think "was it something I did in my past that places me where I am today". I truly don't believe that. If it wasn't for my past- the exact steps I took on the days I took them. The exact messes I made and mistakes and defining moments are what put me here today- and while I don't want to be dealing with IF and I don't revel in not being a mommy yet-- I truly believe there is a reason greater than I can understand right now-- that it just hasn’t happened for us yet. I’m proud of my mistakes because I recovered from them. I’m proud of the stupid things I did because I did them then and I am not living in them now. I’m proud of what I have overcome. I’m proud of me- who I am today and even prouder of who I will be tomorrow.
So there ya go. Three good amazing things about yours truly.
If I can leave you with a bit of advice today it would be to focus on the good things. If your a Weight Watchers Member feel free to join us on the 50+ board every night where you can find some pretty amazing ladies focusing on their 3 Good Things as well.

If we always let the bad get us then we won't enjoy this journey. We only get one chance my friends and I refuse to let one any struggle define my one chance and take away and strip me of all my amazing. Don't let it strip you too.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

On Baby Names and Waiting Games

A wonderful friend who is expecting twins announced the names of her babies this morning. This in and of itself did not bother me-- what bothers worries me is that what is someone takes our names?

The names that we have already chosen for our future children. The names of babies that are not here yet. The names we have talked about and the names that we love and cherish for many reason, but mainly that they are near and dear to our hearts.

What is while we continue to wait and wait those names are taken up by all of our friends?

I suppose its not the worst thing that can happen. After all we can come up with new names -- that wouldn't be the end of the world I suppose. It just seems like another injustice of having to wait and wonder -when? and how much longer?

I feel fine this morning- not much of anything going on. Still have AF which is a good thing I think - since last month it only lasted two days- we are up to four days this cycle. Last night I was a bit weepy- but I am normally weepy so combine weepyness with PMS and hormones and you get tears amplified. They were literally just flowing from my eyes for no apparent reason- and then I just started laughing because it was ridiculous because I didn't even know why I was crying. Some guy was popping and dancing on So You Think You Can Dance- it was not emotion provoking in the least so I'm going to go with my body just wanted  needed to cry.

Special note that I am thinking of my friend Rachel today as she under goes another IUI. My heart is with you today and may this one be the one for you love<3

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

On Clomid Cocktails

Anyone else start their day with a nice Clomid Cocktail?

Am I strange that I am hoping for some more side effects this go around?

Stop, stop.. don't throw things here is my reasoning-

In my head if I have some actual side effects -other then amplified hades hot flashes and moodiness which ccould have just been my normal PMS'y self- in my mind than maybe that means its actually working.

If its not effecting my body than Im convinced that its not working. I don't want to beat the Clomid horse to death -so to speak.

I plan on discussing this with my RE when I see her next.

Im a bit more hopeful today though. Im not going to say "this is the cycle" because that just sets me up for it not being the cycle and me feeling stabb-mc-stabby.

Rob and I talked about changing RE's last night to someone with a little more exprience. Someone at a larger hospital in a bigger town- but we are stuck on the convience of this RE being close to our jobs. You know with all the appointments and blood draws and ultrasounds and sudden changes of appoointments and what not that its very difficult to be far away from your RE. However we decided to try this cycle plus one more cycle (if needed) with this RE. After that if we still feel like something is missing we will be seeking a second opinion from a larger RE office.

Our current concerns are my continued low progesterone and it not being addressed. I had to bring it up with the RE --why am I bringing it up and not them? The possibility of not ovulating on Clomid- and if that happens again I do not want to continue to take Clomid and have the same results. My high testosteron and high DHEAs not coming down with the current treatment plan. And overall the fact that I'm sick of waiting and Rob is sick of waiting and we want to have the best treatment plan for us-- and if that means we need to advocate for us- for our future than so be it.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

On where I stand today.

Today I seriously feel like ripping peoples faces off. Every little thing has me on edge. Im so sick of the "relax" comments, or people saying things like "Its your first IUI you have time" or "when you least expect it, it will happen" or better yet "good thing you started this journey early instead of when you got older"

Here are the very exact reasons why each of these statements boils my blood.

1) Relax- I was relaxed. About 2 years ago. I was all carefree and woo hoo we're gonna be parents and we are gonna rock this shit. At this point I am indeed frustrated- no doubt about that. Hell my RE doesn't even know if I actually ovulated last month. You can't help but to get your hopes up so yes I feel let down, and sad and dissapointed. Im allowed to feel these emotions. Im not at full fever pitch of insanity over here people just sad and guess what- its my body so if I feel sad its me feeling sad. Hug me- do not -for the love of all things holy- tell me to relax!

2) "Its your first IUI you have time"- I realize I am no where near the depths of desperation. I realize this is my first IUI, but the fact that we have had to resort to IUI and spend months being poked, prodded and invaded just plain sucks. I mourn being able to have a baby just by enjoying my husband. Since the failed IUI I can not help but feel scared that we are not on the right treatment plan and that I may need to seek an RE in a bigger town at a bigger hospital with more exprience. These things scare me. Telling me this is my first IUI I have time is not exactly helpful to someone who is sad. First or fiftieth - failed IUI's and treatments SUCK. We all deserve our own little off spring and it shouldn't be this difficult for any of us.

3)"When you least expect it, it will happen"- do me a favor just dont say it. DONT. I dont even have a rebuttle. My entire reproductive privacy is an open novel at this point. I will be poked and prodded in order to conceive. I will have to take medicine. I will not get to just let it happen. I will be hoping and praying and doing superstitious things every cycle to will it to happen. When it does I will be elated!!

4) "Good thing you started this journey young" -WHAT? How is it any better if I am younger or older  than you. You want a baby, I want a baby - we are stuck in we want baby limbo!? How is it any different. You have your own issues being older and I have issues being younger- such as - but not limited to- WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE STUPID BROKEN EGGS!

So alas. Im cranky. Tomorrow I start 150mg of Clomid. Thats scary stuff. I hope my emotional, hormonalness calms down a touch because if not people should just run far away. Im scared lol.

On how I wound up here.

My husband Rob and I have been actively trying to create a little human life for some time now. Here is where we are in our journey. I know that our journey is a baby in and of its self at this point- however it is our journey and its emotional, and frustrating and often times causes some crazy lady behavior on my behalf. I have a lot of extra thoughts, and feelings and emotions and I need somewhere to spew them forth. If your here for support I am so thankful for you. If not and your here to cast judgement or tell me to RELAX please move along.

Oct 2010 off BCP, started Prenatals and Calcium w/ D. Decided we were ready to be parents and expected for it to just "happen".

Sept 2011 saw my OB/GYN and explained I was a little frustrated that I wasn't PG yet. Doctor advised that I was doing wonderful in my weight loss journey, but to give it some more time. He was convinced that the weight loss would help. So I lost 60lbs and Rob lost weight as well. We got healthy, changed our diet and became super active. My PAP smear comes back with some precancerous cells. Multiple months of going back and forth and having scrapings.

Sept 2012 next yearly appt with my OB/GYN- absolutely frustrated that we still haven't spawned offspring.
All clear given from precancerous cell scare.

Nov 2012 HSG reveals some scar tissue in my fallopian tubes that was cleared when the dye passed. Everything else seems normal. Rob has is SA and all appears normal. My OB/GYN is still not concerned and feels we should conceive on our own. We decide to try a fertility doctor for his point of view.

Jan 2013 Meet with the RE and start the process of testing. Initial blood work reveals I have low progesterone, high testosterone and high DHEAS.

Feb 2013 RE evaluates normal cycle. Short luteal phase noted. Ultra sound shows good lining and good ovarian reserve.

March 2013 start .25 Dexamethasone and plan on a Clomid cycle w/ IUI planned for April

April 2013 Clomid 100mg Cycle day 3-7 (night flashes increased and awful, but other than being hormonal this is the only side effect that truly bothers me)

Cycle day 12 Right ovary shows 14mm and 9mm follicles and left side shows 11mm follice. Lining is at a 7. Overall not mature enough for IUI so we are told to wait the weekend.

Cycle day 16 right side shows 22mm and 17mm follicles with a 10 mm lining. Plan on triggering at 930 pm, however doctor calls to say I seem to be surging on my own and to trigger immedietly and plan to come in the next morning. Trigger shot HCG at 430 pm.

Cycle day 17 IUI at 1030 am, 22 million post wash

7 days post IUI I am testing negative on HPT, no more trigger left in my system. Feel excited about this cycle! Progesterone 9.3 which is awfully low for a medicated cycle. Plan on upping to 150mg Clomid if there is a next cycle with talk of progesterone supplements.

Test again on 11 and 12 days post IUI BFN. Know AF is coming. 12 days post IUI AF starts.

May 2013- Cycle days 3-7 150mg Clomid, .25mg Dexamethasone daily

Cycle Day 12 follicle scan- 20mm, 17 mm, 14mm and 12mm right ovary and 7mm lining. Nothing on the left. Trigger shot planned for CD 13 with an IUI on Memorial Day Monday<3

Cycle Day 15 IUI @ 10am, 46 million post wash

Cycle Day 22- 7 days post IUI- Progesterone 10.2, negative HPT

Cycle Day 29, 14 days post IUI AF starts.

June 2012- Cycle Days 4-8 150 mg Clomid. .25 mg Dexamethasone daily

Cycle Day 12 follicle scan-  17mm & 16mm left ovary, 12mm right ovary, 7 mm lining. Trigger shot planned CD 13 w/ IUI on CD 15.

Cycle Day 15-Only 1 follicle ovulated on the left side, 40 mil post wash

Cycle Day 22- 7 days post IUI, did not take my normal 7 day HPT, Progesterone 31! 7days post IUI. Beta - negative/ failed IUI.

Next Steps Appt- July 2013

August treatment plan to include injectibles.

July 2013- break from medications. Acupuncture cycle.