And Then I Started Bleeding

I know for some women this may bring back memories of awful things gone wrong. Please no worries if you want to look away. I will preface my entire post by saying so far everything is okay for the peanuts and I, but that certainly does not make it less terrifying.

Yesterday was my first day back to work after 16 days off. Not that they were quiet days off- it was Disney World. I walked miles and miles and for the most part felt pretty good. My full time job is as a 911 Dispatcher- yes high stress- however I remain seated for the majority of my days. 

Yesterday was no different then any other day at work. It was filled with moments of stress and followed by down time. We were busy, but I wouldn't rank it as a bad day- other than it was very difficult to stay awake for the entire shift. 

I did it though. I made it to the end of my shift and it was time to clock out. On my way a coworker and my boss got into a tiff about his call outs. I wasn't involved, but it did upset me that it was happening right there on my way to clock out. I made it to the time clock and then stopped at the bathroom since I can't make it all the way home without having to pee. 

Coincidentally a coworker that I haven't seen in awhile stopped me while I tried to enter the rest rooms and after some small talk actually asked me if I was "knocked up yet". First off- I hate that term "knocked up" and second why do people think its okay to ask. I joked a bit with him and he told me to "keep on trying its the best part." 

Side note- anyone that thinks that trying it the "best part" has never actually tried to get pregnant or in his eloquent, but probably well meaning word "knocked up."

I noticed right away- bright red blood in my panty liner (I'm wearing liners due to the Crinonine). The liner was pretty well soaked through, but as I wiped there wasn't any more bright red blood- it was more brownish and rust colored and there wasn't too much. I was paralyzed with fear. You aren't supposed to bleed while pregnant. Bleeding is bad. My heart pretty much stopped and I sucked in a deep breath as a million and one scenarios ran through my brain. 

First I wasn't cramping so that was a good sign, but it was bright red and that was a bad sign. Then more obscure thoughts passed through my mind- they don't have names yet- they need names. And this can't be happening. Then I started to pray.

I left work and got into my car and text my best friend. She told me to calm down and take some deep breaths and that while its scary she had bleeding in her second pregnancy and everything turned out just fine. She asked about cramping and how I was feeling and then told me to call my doctor to be sure they know. 

Since I am in the process of leaving the RE and moving forward with my OB I am sort of in between doctors. I called my RE though since I have yet to even see my OB. I left a message on the nurse triage line and really didn't expect to hear from them until this morning since there was nothing they really were going to be able to do anyway. 

I got home and my husband asked how my day was. I meekly told him about the bleeding and how I called the doctors office and was hoping for a call back. We both decided neither one of us wanted to make dinner- heck I barely wanted to eat dinner- in fact I really just wanted to throw up. Instead I made a bowl of Apple Jacks and picked at them- finally just drinking the milk and calling it a night. 

As I was about to go upstairs to lay in bed my doctors office called. One of my nurses was on the line and she asked a lot of questions about how I was feeling and what type of bleeding. So told me that since it was turning rust colored and brownish that it lead her to believe that it was old blood now and that while I should be on high alert I should do my best not to stress.  (Hahhaha) She told me that there are lots of causes for bleeding in pregnancy- and especially in the first trimester of a twin pregnancy. Causes listed were a possible UTI, my uterus expanding faster then my body expected, endometrin lining being disrupted.. and so on and so forth. She also went on to say that of course bleeding could be a sign of miscarriage- but not to worry about that unless the bleeding continues or cramping starts. She told me if I continue to bleed, it gets heavy, or I experience cramping to call them today. 

She left me with orders to keep my feet up when possible, try to remain stress free, continue to hydrate, and be sure to continue not to lift anything over 5lbs and avoid exerting myself. 

All in all it sounded like she wasn't too worried and that helped ease my fears some. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night- I dreamed of lakes of blood and crying very vividly and when I wasn't dreaming I was up praying and thinking of names for the babies. 

This morning I woke up and when I went into the bathroom and right away wanted to check for bleeding- thankfully there was none. Not even a trace. My morning was also met with a healthy dose of morning sickness which I am pretty sure I have never embraced or wanted to feel more. 

I am still terrified. I didn't ever expect to see blood and I surely would be just fine with never seeing blood again. Ever. Hopefully it doesn't return and it was just some random bleeding. I am doing everything I can to remain as calm as humanly possible. 

I just keep praying over the babies and over my body. Praying that my little peanuts are just fine in there and continuing to thrive and grow. Praying that this is only the first of many scares that I am sure over the years that they will give me.

Mixing Fear with Joy

Today at 16dp5dt my beta was 3300+. Which really is just perfect- if not above the curve. I know you can’t go off of beta’s, but between you and I – I think both of my embabies took and are growing in there. I won’t be sad or disappointed if there is only one- but I just feel like there is a really good chance that there are two.

I thought I was all done with beta's and they would schedule my ultra sound today- but my APN called me and said that they want to done one more beta on Monday. My APN was super sweet- she was so excited to be calling me because no one told her I was pregnant. I thought she was going to cry on the phone- which of course made me cry.

I am kind of a bummed about the return for a 4^th beta- but as long as everything is progressing well its okay.

I am now experiencing food aversions along with the nausea. The baby must be mostly vegetarian because even the thought of most meats is repulsive. I told Rob he had to cook all the meats right now- but even . I had some chicken strips for lunch and those were okay- mainly because someone else cooked it and I didn't have to see it raw, but the idea of raw meat... well blech.

So if you have any wonderful vegetarian dishes I should try that are easy on the stomach- please share :)

Other than that I am focusing on eating well and drinking lots of water to stay hydrated.

I think what I am struggling with most is my fear. It seems to grow daily. I'm doing my best to push all of my fears down. Sometimes I don't think that this is real- that I’m not really pregnant at all and there is some mistake. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in an utter panic - that this is all a dream and that I don’t deserve t his at all. Sometimes when I feel crampy I bolt off to the bathroom expecting to see blood. There are times when I can't breathe because I am so afraid that there won't be a heart beat-- that it’s all a lie or made up. The thoughts just swirl around in my head and I can’t stop them- the best I can do is take a deep breath and attempt to push them away.

Other times I know I am pregnant- Mostly when I am nauseous. I actually welcome nausea right now because it’s reassuring. It reminds me that it’s real and there’s a baby growing that is causing the nausea. Who knew that feeling sick would be so welcoming, but every time I get hit with another wave of nausea I smile and just know that it’s real.

I’m not sure if the fear will ever really go away. Right now I’m afraid that its just not meant to be. That it is some dream in my mind—and then I know once I have my ultrasound and I see the heart beat then I am going to be afraid of not keeping the pregnancy. Once I get out of the safe zone I am going to remember that there really is never a "safe zone". Those bad things do happen all the time to good people. That I have friends that have experienced these awful things.

Fear is such an ugly thing. It robs us of all the good that we could be embracing- and while I work on forgetting the fears and living in the moment I can’t help but feel emotional. I feel emotional for all the other women who know the fear too well. I feel emotional for the Mommy’s with barren arms. I feel emotional that I don’t want to be in their shoes ver. And then I feeling afraid and feeling anything but utter joy. And then I think I may have survivoirs guilt. Why me and not everyone else? Then I feel bad for feeling that and not embracing this blessing even more.

Sometimes I wish that I was naïve. That I didn’t know that babies die; that I didn’t understand things like chemical pregnancies. Other times I try to remember that most babies make it and are born perfectly healthy and happy.

Right now in this moment- I’m a strange mixture of fear and joy. And I am not sure if those feelings will ever subside. But I am trying so hard to focus on joy. Focus on happy.  

Fears Fueling Faith

This week has left me utterly terrified. 
 
I have seen friends miscarry this week, I have seen friends suffer from Pprom this week, I have seen failed IUI's, failed IVF's, pre-term labors and sick babies. 

This week has not been good to many in the IF community. I can only hope to keep the faith and keep praying for some miracles for so many. 

My prayers are extended to anyone else suffering this week, no matter what it is that is bringing you down - I hope that you find something to help lift you up. 

I am terrified because I watch these women battle for their pregnancies - to even achieve a pregnancy- and then watch as they lose their precious miracles. Not that it isn't as horrible when you haven't struggled to become pregnant and suffer from a tragedy.. its just that it hits home. It scares me. Why is this so common? Will I ever be able to be pregnant in the first place and then once I am pregnant (I still believe this is going to happen for us eventually- I refuse to let me self think otherwise ) will I ever be able to feel comfortable in celebrating my pregnancy without the fear of more loss at the back of my mind? I am just filled with so much fear and I guess I truly won't have the answers to those questions until I am faced with them directly. 

This has been a difficult week for me for other reasons other that being in the midst of a two week wait and watching tragedy unravel around me. This week my Great Aunt was placed on hospice care and given little time to live. I don't know if its easier or harder knowing that someone is going to die. It so difficult to hold a vigilance over them. So hard to come up with the right words to say to someone who knows they are dieing. So hard to be there and be present.. it weighs so very heavy on my heart.. 
 
I am doing my best to push my fears and sadness aside and push my faith to the forefront. I know that when my Aunt Sis dies she will be going home to the Lord. That she will be with her Sister (my Gram) and her brother as well as her husband who has passed before her. She say's she sees them now- and though the doctors say she's hallucinating I am holding faith that she is closer to them now more than ever. I miss my Gram so much and part of me is even jealous that Aunt Sis is going to see her soon. 

Some say that with death brings forth life. I can only hold onto hope that this is true. That with us losing my Aunt Sis a new life can be brought forth and bless our family. I hope and pray that the new life is one that I get to carry..


I did just return from my RE for my day 7 (but really day 6) post IUI progesterone check and ultrasound. 

I won't get my progesterone results unless I call in this afternoon, and honestly if there is anything wrong that something can actually be done about they will call me anyway. I think I am just going to let it be. Why stress myself out over something I have very little control over. Since ovulation was confirmed and I am taking my progesterone religiously twice a day I have no reason to fret that there is something wrong.

My ultrasound revealed that I did release multiple follicles from the right ovary and one from the left ovary. Both ovaries are pretty very enlarged at 15 x 16 cm each. I knew this was coming since I have had a lot of pain and discomfort. I'm officially on lifting and moving restrictions until they go down. I have larger then normal ovaries to begin with due to PCOS - add in ovulation drugs and multiple follicles and its the perfect recipe for large ovaries. The main worry is an ovarian torsion. I will be playing is extra careful and am hopeful that they will go down during the week.

My uterus has an 8mm lining and was Trilaminar. They were hoping to see my lining over 10mm, but 8mm isn't awful so no need to worry myself there either, especially since it was Trilaminar- meaning there was good blood flow and a good play for a little embryo to implant.

All in all things look good. They told me that I can come in next Friday (13 days post IUI) for my Beta. Either someone didn't read that I had my IUI on a Saturday or they are having mercy and decreasing my wait time. I'm also advised not to lift, twist, or push on my lower abdominal area.

Normally I have to wait the two weeks plus a day- that would land me on a Sunday and I would end up having to wait until Monday- aka 16 days post IUI and adding more days to the torture- for my initial Beta. 

I'm excited to get to next Friday. I'm excited to know if this cycle is our cycle. But, I'm also terrified. Part of me wishes I wasn't privy to all the things that could go so very wrong even after you receive that BFP. The other part of me is scared to death that this IUI didn't work and we are going to be moving forward into yet another treatment plan. 

For now I am just patiently waiting. Practicing deep breathing and praying. Hoping and praying that its our turn.

I continue to pray for many of you that are suffering right now- whether its due to loss, tragic medical issues, in the midst of two week waits, praying for embryo's or IVF's and transfers- my heart goes out to all. 

I hope that this coming week brings some good news to this community and I truly hope some miracles are witnessed by all.