Don't Panic

I'm just going to apologize right now. 

This post is going to be all over the place. I'm trying to work through my emotions and put myself in a better place.. 

You see I'm in a mood. 

I'm very sad today and I feel broken- both broken hearted and broken in the terms of my spirits and to boot the weather isn't helping. 

Its dreary and rainy and gray and blah. 

And thats exactly how I feel -blah. 

What put me here.. 

On Friday I went to the RE and had a follicle scan. I had no follicle growth- none.. no body budged... so I was sent on my way to continue with 150 IU of Menopur and my Dex and come back on Monday and hopefully there would be some growth then. 

My follicles are stubborn anyway so I was still very hopeful that they were just being slow to respond. 

I returned this morning. No growth. Nothing... Nada. 

There are 3 follicles over 8mm but no one has gone over 10mm. No body is taking the lead.

What does this mean? 

Well nothing. Lots of nothing. 

If no follicle reaches maturity then they will cancel the IUI. Basically Im not in a position to ovulate this cycle. 

I have to wait for my blood work analysis results to be returned to the RE office. Once that happens there are a few options in moving forward-- 

I may be advised to up my Menopur to 225 IU or told to keep moving forward with Menopur 150 IU, or told to stop it all together and IUI take 5 will be placed on hold "until I have a better response." 

I have not given up hope. I hope that when I go back on Wednesday my follicles will have gotten with the program and someone will step up to the plate and show some initiative. 

Im just sad. Sad that this cycle seems to be slipping through my fingers.. 

I called Rob after my appointment and told him that there was no growth again and it didn't look so promising. He told me to just stay positive. 

I told him I was trying- because truly I am. But I am also bracing. 

Bracing for this entire cycle to be canceled. Bracing for more bad news. 

Bracing for more negatives. 

He then told me it wasn't the news he was hoping to hear either. 

Im just trying to be careful with how much hope I let fill my heart. If I let it over inflate and I get let down then the fall to earth will be that much harder. 

Landing abruptly with the wind knocked out of me. 

I have to brace for hard impacts on this journey. Lord knows there have been enough of them. 

Along with a craptastic RE appointment with lots of nothingness I went to the Acupuncturist today. 

Today I felt rushed. Like he didn't have the extra time for him. I felt like he didn't understand what it means when your follicles aren't growing. I felt like I was teaching him. I felt like he was clueless and cranky and I have enough of that in my life. 

I also felt like he forgot about the herbs and chinese medicines he wanted me to try. 

Maybe he was having an off day, because normally I love my acupuncturist and I leave there very zen like. 

Not today. I didn't even make another appointment for the next week.  I told them I would call them back to make another appointment. 

I enjoy the hour I normally spend relaxing and I normally value everything my acupuncturist says so I don't know how much of today was me just being a mood myself and perceiving things badly because I feel badly to start with. 

I don't know. I feel broken and battered. I feel bruised. My mood is palpable.

I feel like I am letting my husband down each cycle- and while I know its not like that I can't help but let those feelings wash over me. Almost drown me in sorrow. 

I wish I had control. I wish I could reach into my ovaries and point a finger at those follicles and tell them they need to grow. Pay attention. Get with the program. Pull it together. 

Then again another part of me knows if they aren't growing there is a reason. 

I don't understand it one little bit.. but there is a reason. 

We are all entitled to bad or off days. I normally try to be a pillar of positivity, but today I just want to fall to my knees and scream why and let the tears fall down my cheeks. 

I want a friend to turn to. Someone to hold me in their arms and tell me its okay. Its okay to be sad. Its okay to feel bad. Someone in real life to understand. But, I feel like the majority of my friends have stopped asking how things are going. I can't blame them- it always is more of the same- no good news- nothing changes. I understand they don't know what to say to make it better. Because guess what- no matter what you say- it won't make it better, but sometimes its just nice to have someone there for you. A friend that you know is holding onto hope for you when you have let it fizzle out. 

I know I have all of you and a very select few in real life that are holding me in their hearts. I know Rob is holding onto hope for me this cycle since I've started to let it go. 

Ugh. I just can't help but feel sad. 

What lessons are you trying to teach me today God? 

What am I suppose to be taking away from all of this? 

How am I suppose to keep my positivity when all I feel is negative crushing me from so many angels? 

Errggh. I just don't know. 

I hate this limbo feeling. I just want to know what is happening with this cycle. I want the RE to just point me in a direction so I can either let myself fall completely to earth or if I can inflate myself with some more hope. 

I googled "Bible verses for strength"- 

Isaiah 41:10 came up...

"Don't Panic." - Your right. It is in Your control. Deep breaths in and out. 

"I'm with You"- I know. I am calling out to You. I am questioning You. I need to let You have control. Let You continue forward with Your way. 

"There is No need to fear, for I am Your God" - More deep breaths. I need to trust in this. You will lead me through all. 

"Ill give you your strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady. Keep a firm grip on you." - I know it. I feel it. I need to trust it. 

So as I work through my emotions I'm praying for some strength for whatever they say today. Whether this cycle is canceled all together or if we still continue to move forward- the fears and tears that I have right now will not make a difference. 

Its all in Your hands and I need to relinquish that control that I am still trying to hold. 

Its so much easier said than done. To keep faith and hope. To stay strong and fearless. But there really is no other way to battle infertility... just have to stand back up after we fall down. Keep moving forward and keep living despite the fears..  

Chins up, shoulders back, and hope alive.