Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Pedicures, Acupuncture, and Pineapple Sangria- HELLO HAPPINESS!

Some back story incase you are new here- DH has been out of work for about two months. You can read here about that big mess. 

So since DH has been out of work I have been pulling, not only over time at my full time job, but working about 24 hours a week at my part time job as well. I am a full time dispatcher and part time I work as an EMT. To say that I am overworked and stressed out is probably an understatement- and thats before you add infertility struggles into the recipe. 

I am currently in the midst of 7 days of work in a row. Today- hump day- is my only half shift- the rest are all twelve hour shifts or 18 hour shifts. The last two days at work have been absolutely beyond horrible. I have a hard time letting work go.. its difficult in this line to just leave yesterday where it belongs- the past. Instead I stressed about Tuesday's insanity while I should have been sleeping to prepare myself for Wednesday. Instead I went into work today sleep deprived and still fired up about yesterday's massive train wreck. So in a very rare half shift celebration I decided to dedicate today to decreasing my stress levels. --What a concept.. I tell ya!

Here is how I celebrated- Happiest Half Shift Wednesday EVER!

Happy zero stress hump-day <3
For starters I had my favorite lunch- grilled ham and cheese on rye with tomato soup. Really my friends- is there anything more wholesome than grilled cheese and soup? The melty velvety cheese and the creamy soup. Ahhhh a little peak at Heaven. 

Once I left work at one I decided to leave the last few days there. I'm on a boycott discussing the crazy and am working on moving past the circus that has been my job the last few days. instead I am focussing on clearing my mind and the fact that I have a 17 day stay-cation starting next Friday! (Can I get an AMEN!) 

I went to get a pedicure once I left work. I chose a bright-happy blue and sat back in the massaging chair and read my book while the pedicurist massaged my feet and legs. I actually could feel the tension in my calves releasing as she passed the warm stone over them. There is something about someone else massaging your legs and feet and painting your toes that is completely unrivaled. 

This is what my toes look like.. hello happy toes!
After my pedicure I headed to the liquor store. How can you not be happy with isle after isle of liquid happiness spread before you? I suppose the recovering alcoholics and sober ones in the crowd will disagree with me here- but this barren womb wanted pineapple sangria.. so thats what I made it. A giant container of beautiful pineapple sangria with pieces of mango, strawberries, and pineapples floating around.  Its a bit of liquid sunshine to brighten some otherwise torrential skies. 

Hello liquid happiness! 

Pineapple Sangria

Yield: Makes 8 servings
I doubled the ingredients listed below (and used a 3L bottle of wine) to serve a crowd. Please note if you want as much sangria as you see if my photo, you'll want to do the same. If you want to serve a smaller group of friends, the amounts listed below is what you'll need.


3 cups pineapple juice
1 bottle dry white wine, such as Chardonnay or Sauvignon Blanc
1 cup brandy (pear brandy or apricot brandy will work)
1 ripe pineapple, cut into 1-inch chunks

1 cup pineapple soda

1 bunch fresh mint, roughly chopped
1 orange, sliced


In a pitcher, combine the juice, wine, brandy, pineapple, and soda with ice and stir. Pour into large wineglasses and garnish with the mint and orange.
Once I finished making my liquid sunshine I headed off to my acupuncture appointment -also known as utter relaxation. I will pay $75 once a week to feel that level of relaxation any time. Today he placed two needles in each ear - he did say the reason for the ear is because of my stress. He also placed one needle in each wrist, one on top of each of my knees, two in each of my ankles and three in various areas on my feet. Then he placed an infrared lamp over my abdomen, placed a foam roll under my knees, turned down the lights, turned up the relaxing music and told me to work on deep breaths. I transcended to that special place between being awake and being asleep. You know that place right before you actually fall asleep, where your limbs feel heavy and your muscles are completely relaxed. I laid like that for 30 minutes and then Dr. D returned, removed the needles and ran a lotion over each spot. Heaven folks. Heaven on earth. 

Apparently help with your stress.. 
I received a full report on my AcuGraph which I will discuss in detail tomorrow.

I came home from my appointment to find all of my medications for my next cycle have arrived- which I'll also discuss at another time because there are some discrepancies between my conversation with my clinic and the pharmacy and what actually arrived on my door step today. 

I'm not going there today though- Im in a happy place and I don't plan on leaving for awhile! 

Cheers to finding your happy<3

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Snapshot Sunday- Snapshot's that I use to relax :)

Today Snapshots are from our trip to Mexico last year. I would love to go back and when someone tells me to relax or that I seem stressed the first thing I do is look for a few of these pictures. Sometimes just a simple glance can help to bring my stress levels down or to relax me...

 I would sit every morning and watch the sunrise with a cup of coffee. This is the view I had... 

 I also would then walk the beach before anyone else was awake. It was my own special quiet oasis.. 

Laying in the morning sun..  
 There really is nothing like your toes in the sand and salt water in your hair... 

Crystal clear warm blue waters with waves gently crashing in.. 

Hope if your feeling stressed maybe these snap shots will help you think of a happy place :) 

Where is your happy place or what do you do to calm down? 

Friday, July 26, 2013

Raising My Voice and Renewing My Faith

Just a little post about the big issues that infertiles are dealing with on a daily basis...
I have recently read so many blogs here recently tell their story's about their financial struggles and/or their inability to fit their treatment into their work schedule.
I truly am so blessed to have so much coverage- to name a few things that I have covered with only a co pay to submit-
- All diagnostic testing for infertility
-IUI's under no limit
-Donor insemination under no limit
-Fertility medications
-IVF, GIFT, and ZIFT procedures
-IVF 4 retrievals per lifetime
- Donor Eggs
Like I said I truly am blessed. I think everyone's insurance should hold some all of these very same benefits- and then some. I strongly believe that it is beyond not fair that insurance will cover birth control, but not cover infertility treatments. I really hope that in my lifetime I see a change in this coverage and anyone can have the treatment they need, without the financial constraints that many of you face daily.
I also am beyond blessed to have an understanding boss. I think that her being a woman helps- not that all men don't understand- but a woman truly does understand the cycle and that there are specific needs for me being at the doctors office at specifics dates and times.
Pammy J if you happen to stumble upon this I really do know how lucky I am and I can never thank you enough for your understanding.
You see Pammy J will come in early to cover me herself if I need the coverage to go to an appointment. She will help me figure out a schedule. Assist me in finding my days off and most of all offer a shoulder if I seem to be off mentally.
I really am blessed. I know that this baby that we are trying so hard to have is truly going to be so very blessed as well.
I wish you all were granted the time off from work when you need it to go to the appointments you need to as well. My heart aches when I see posts about financial hardship and time off issues compounded with your personal infertility issues.
Isn't it unjust enough that we don't get to have baby's the old fashioned way? Why do we have to deal with the injustices of finances and schedules to add to it?
I think that part of the reason I am on this journey is to help make a change. Whether is just be locally- to raise a voice that infertility is far more common than most people can imagine- or globally if my voice can reach out... combined though all our voices will make a difference.
I hope that if my children happen to suffer from infertility that their journey's are easier. That their desire to have a child doesn't have to be compounded with hardships that are out of their control.
I saw this quote on a beautiful guest post by Caroline at Team Harries Beats Infertility -
"Rather than ignoring or punishing us, God is allowing our experiences to mold us in anticipation of the blessing He has planned. That gift is coming" – Susan Radulovacki
Along those lines I think that he is also using these experiences to help us make a change. There has to be a bigger reason for all of this. I think part of my reason is to help raise awareness.
I also think that this journey has helped me renew my faith. I’m not the most religious person- in that I don't attend church every Sunday and some days I have a mouth of a truck driver. But, I do have my faith. I believe and I trust in God always. I have seen prayer work and I pray daily.
I think sometimes we forget about our faith when we feel like were getting beaten down. Sometimes we lose sight of what really matters and what the bigger picture is. Or we renew our faith... we become stronger in our trust in God due to our struggles.
I think I have found some of what my bigger picture is- a voice to raise awareness and a renewed faith and trust in God.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Acupuncture, AcuGraph, and Regaining My Own Balance

I went to my second acupuncture appointment today and met with my acupuncture Dominic.

Today I had an AcuGraph done. Basically I took my shoes and socks off and I held a conduction device in one hand and my acupuncturist took another device, which was like a cotton swab on one end and was damp, and pressed it to different points all over my hands and feet. Each specific spot correlates to a specific spot in the body. Each time he touched the spots a noise was made on the machine and each noise frequency was given a number. Each spot correlates to an acupuncture point.

What the AcuGraph tool looks like

The Chinese beleive that your body is always supposed to be in balance. Imbalances can be caused by different things such as lifestyle, occupation,, environment, emotion, stress, genetic, metabolic, side effects of medication, and physical trauma.. etc. My AcuGraph showed that nothing in my body is in balance. Everything is either high or low or split with my right side or left side being high and/or vice versa. Prior to my AcuGraph I filled out a list of symptoms and marked off whatever applied to me on list. After the AcuGraph we compared the list with the results of the AcuGrap. I wish I had a copy of the actual AcuGraph results to share, but Dominic needs it to go over in detail to come up with a treatment plan.

What my results look like..and what they measure.. these are not my results though.. just stole them from online

Today we discussed the plan he wants to do the acupuncture in conjunction with my upcoming IUI with Injectables cycle. His plan for this cycle is to increase blood flow to my organs and decrease my stress. He even said he knows that everyone probably tells me to just not stress out and lord knows its easier said than done. He wants to help me with that. I want him to help me with that.

My experience in the waiting room was a lot less eventful. No vagina's out on display. However, there was a pregnant woman holding her pregnant belly asking people if they wanted to touch her baby. I cringed because a) I don't want to touch your baby since I have no clue who you are and b) I hate feeling uncomfortable and having no where to go. Luckily once again God graced me with a quick wait time which made it so I didn't have to either touch her belly or uncomfortably tell her I didn't want to touch her belly and/or have a nervous break down about her belly.

Actually I'm going to choose to take it as a good sign from above. The future if you will.

Anyway I go back next Wednesday for my first actually session. I really really really am looking forward to this. I will take all the awkward situations in the waiting room in all the land if that means I get to feel less stress and increase the odds of having a baby.

I plan on taking a break from medication if this next cycle doesn’t work. September, October and November I will take off from any medication and will continue with acupuncture. I will try the Chinese herbs and tea and the acupuncture and hopefully regain some balance. I also want to focus on my running and exercising and losing weight. I want to go into my next cycle with the best health and balance I can.

So I pray that this cycle works. But if not its break time. Time to refocus on me and my health so that I can go into this pregnancy with the best body and mind possible. I'm truly looking forward to this next cycle. I'm hopeful and ready to go. But I’m also already mentally prepared for the cycle to not work... and in that case at least I have a plan. At least I’m already mentally preparing...

Who knows maybe my body will surprise me- maybe even July will bring a miracle. If not bring on August..

I think I’m finally mentally ready for this and I really think Dominc the Acupuncturist/AKA therapist who
listens to me spill forth my life has really already helped me find some balance and help prepare me…

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

We bought a new car.. and I didn't end up in jail..

Yesterday we spent the day getting a new vehicle. There isn't much more in the world I can say I truly detest besides car shopping. 

We went in knowing a few things-

1) We want better gas mileage because regardless of where DH gets a new job at his commute is going to be lengthy and gas prices suck. 

2) We chose VW because they were offering  a 0% interest deal that only lasts until August.. otherwise we can wait to find something else. 

3) We want to lower our car payments and by a significant amount. Under no circumstances will we be increasing our car payment.

4) We didn't have to make a decision today. Rob still doesn't have a new job anyway we are just thinking ahead.. no need to pull the trigger unless the deal is right.

5) DH had to be comfortable driving it... he is a bigger guy and if he is going to be driving far he needs to feel comfortable behind the wheel.

So DH had in his head he wanted the CC or the Passat. The CC because aesthetically it looks nicer than the Passat. At least according to him. To me they look exactly the same honestly.  

We test drove both and basically they are pretty much the same vehicle. The CC was a little rougher ride and a little less space. The Passat was a TDI - so it takes diesel and gets about 45 mpg. It also had a bit more space inside and in the trunk. 
What Rob's new car looks like

Naturally the car sales man asked if it was just Rob and I or if we had kids. I wanted so desperately to be able to say "were expecting" or "we have kids".. but we're not and we don't. I couldn't answer. I turned to Rob who fielded the question with a simple no and a knowing glance at me.

That does not mean in the slightest that while I was looking at the vehicles thoughts like- would car seats fit well in here or can I put a stroller in the trunk were not fluttering through my mind.. 

Because the answer is car seats will fit and strollers - plural- will fit. 

And someday - come hell or high water they will be present.

I digress.... We went around 11am so naturally I had not eaten lunch yet. If I don't eat I become HANGRY

So here we are around 2pm and here I am becoming increasingly angry/frustrated and hungry. Read about to explode if they don't get this over with soon. 

The entire reason why we went with this deal today was because of the 0% interest offered so imagine my frustration when the final contract comes back and has 2.77%  interest.

I lost my shit. Seriously lost it. 

We had them rip of the paper work in front of us and I stormed out. DH was a little more rational and talked to them for a bit while I waited outside. It was decided that we would be back around 5pm and they would make 0% happen for us. 

I truly felt like they were trying to sneak that 2.77% in there. I hate shady-sneakiness. Shoot it to me straight. If you can't make the deal- then don't make the deal, but do not try to sneak it in. 

I told DH I had no desire to go back and deal with these people, but ultimately he would be driving this vehicle and so the choice was up to him.

First and foremost I was eating my freaking lunch and not dealing with cars, car sales men, or extreme shadiness until I was fed and calmed down. 

DH decided to go to the gym and we would figure out what to do afterwards. 

He came home from the gym and decided he really did like the car and wanted to make the deal. I warned him that if this sleazeball tried to be shady, sneaky or lie one more time I would go bananas. 

Seriously BANANAS.

We ended up with an awesome deal. The guy apologized and DH did tell him we thought he was being sneaky.. he basically admitted he was. 

I would NEVER ever recommend anyone go buy a car from these clowns. I get that its their job to make the sale, but there is no need to be shady about it. 

Ultimately we will be saving about $400 per month...between decreased car payment, increased gas mileage and decreased insurance costs. 

We traded in my Ford Edge- which I loved by the way and I am now driving DH's Ford Explorer. It just made more sense to trade in the Edge and keep the Explorer. Its a family car for sure- and hopefully I get to fill it with my family soon. 

I was worried I wouldn't love the Explorer like I loved the Edge, but all it took was one ride into work for me to change my mind. I really do the love the Explorer. 

What my new Explorer looks like..
I'm glad DH's calm head prevailed because had it been up to me I would have never returned to that place.. and no doubt I would have paid more money just because I did not want to deal with that dealership.

After this experience I think I'm going to keep the Explorer until the wheels literally are falling off. I don't want to go back to car shopping for a long, long, long time..

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


Today I was catching up on my blogs and came across the I am Loved Campaign

All you have to do is follow the link and fill in what makes you feel loved. Every story fills up a heart and every heart donates a dollar. Helzberg Diamonds will donate up to $5000 a month to the Make a Wish Foundation. 

Make a Wish grants wishes wishes to children suffering from life-threatening diseases an disorders. Just for a bit these kids get to take a moment off from their struggle and enjoy being a kid. 

I'm sure many of us can relate to wanting to take your mind off of something that plagues you daily. These kids deserve to be kids and some of their wishes are so amazing. 

So head on over. Fill out why you feel loved and help make a kids wish come true! Then share the link so more people will head on over and make more wishes comes true! 

My I Am Loved-- What makes me feel loved instantaneously is when Rob kisses the top of my head. He does it randomly and when I least suspect it. There is something much more nurturing and caring about a kiss on the top of the head verses a kiss on the lips.

PS I got the I am Love Campaign from reading another blog so head on over and check her out too. She is bound to make you laugh on a daily basis -

Monday, July 22, 2013

My Acupuncture Experience

Today was my very first consult with my new Acupuncturist- Dominic. 

I really didn't know exactly what to expect. I hate going to new doctors appointments or offices mainly because I hate not knowing where I am going. I found this place with ease, however when I went in they didn't have me down for an appointment. I know we planned on today-- so who really knows what happened and why I wasn't on their list, but they did fit me right in and apologized citing computer glitches. 

Whatever- Im just glad they got me in. With my fragile mental state and how excited I was for this appointment if they told me they couldn't fit me in today I have no doubts that I would have cried. 

I filled out a couple of papers explaining why I was there and included was a question asking - "Does the condition that brings you here affect your daily life." 

There were four possible answers- Not that much, Sometimes, Moderately to Severely, or It consumes my every waking thought. 

I chose the last one. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't think about how I am not pregnant. As much as try to not let it consume my thoughts- it really does. 

Once I was finished with all my paperwork I waited in the waiting room. It was filled with a wild assortment of people. Old, young, even kids.. most looked like they were suffering from physical pain- no one else looked like they were suffering from the mental pain of infertility.. thats not to say anyone wasn't, but no one else really fit the "Im trying to have a baby but can't so Im here exprimenting with something new...." bill. 

One women came in wearing skin tight gray tights. They were absolutely see through and she wasn't wearing any underwear. 

Im the type of person that will tell you your zipper is down or you have something in your teeth or hanging from your nose-- but I have never ever had to tell someone their vagina was showing. 

Thankfully my moral dilemma about how to tell verses should I tell this women her vagina was on full on view was put to rest since they pulled me back to be seen right away. 

Sweet since they didn't have my appointment down. Even sweeter because like a train wreck you can't help but staring at the see through pant lady. 

If I take nothing else away from my appointment today it is this- always, always, always take the time to check yourself in the mirror prior to leaving your home... always.. 

They let me tour the office which was clean and everyone was smiling. Everyone looked generally happy to be working there. All of the doctors that I saw there seemed to be male, mid 30's, and strikingly handsome. 

This office does physical therapy and chiropractic care on one side and acupuncture on the other side. 

They took me back to a little office room with a big window. There was soft, relaxing music playing- and a little waterfall running. 

The big window and table in their acupuncture rooms. 
Then the doctor came in and sat with me. He was much younger than I expected- He could have passed for late twenties. He had these piercing baby blue eyes and he just had this way about him that automatically made me want to talk to him. We talked for almost 45 minutes. We went over our entire TTC history. My entire menstrual health history. My entire medical history and Rob's medical history as well. 

I was a bit disappointed because I really thought we would do some actual acupuncture today and I was looking forward to it but it really was just a consultation today. 

This doctor has a way about him that just instantaneously relaxes you. He discussed my expectations and he discussed his success. He says he treats a lot of women and the ones that stick with acupuncture and the herbs he prescribes end up with babies. He says the key is consistency. 

His goal is to get my cycles to be regular and less painful. He thinks that is the root of all of my problems and thats where he is going to start. He also wants to consult my RE and my OB/Gyn and discuss my history and request my records. 

All in all it was a good experience. .. it was also free for my consultation so at least there is that... 

The waterfall and gentle music. I think I may invest in one!
If my insurance doesn't cover anything it will be $75 a visit and he wants to see me twice a week if possible. I told him with my schedule and my other doctors appointments and finances I can commit to once a week. They are going to see if my insurance will cover appointments, but I have already set myself up for an exam on Thursday... $75 dollars or not I really want to try this out. 

Baby or bust.. 

I have a ton of paper work to fill out and bring back. He said they will examine me and go over trouble areas- different organs and body parts to work on. I'm excited for Thursday and to see what he has to say. 

If nothing else I want to be more relaxed. I want to be calmer and more easy going. If he can rid me from my god awful menstrual pain then thats a bonus. If he can help get me pregnant than I may buy him a pony.. 

Or maybe I'll just buy the lady with the gray tights and vagina on display in his waiting room a pair of real pants. He probably would appreciate that just as much....

Health Source Acupuncture

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Snapshot Sunday- the Story of Us!

Since today kicks off the commenting for IComLeaveWe I thought I would share our story. On Sunday's I like to share random photo's so today I chose an assortment of us.
Rob and I both work in EMS. We met while working for the same company. He was a Paramedic and I was an EMT at the time. We really didn't know all that much about one another, but our circle of friends often found us together.
We attended a pre-St Patty's day work function. During which Rob and I were seated near one another and a conversation about Rob trying to find a nice girl was brought up. A mutual friend tossed my name out there and I laughed and told him I was just trying to find a nice guy too.
I had been out of a tumultuous long term relationship for a few years at that point. I spent those years leading up to meeting Rob dating around and finding out who I really was. During my long term relationship, which was in my early teens, I never really developed my own identity or independence. When I got out I spent a lot of time searching for who I really was.
I didn't really think too much of it at the time, but I was finally ready for another long term relationship for the first time in a long time.. and for the first time ever I was going into a relationship with my own identity. I had regained my trust and I was unknowingly ready for the future.
Rob and I spent most of that night at the party together. We exchanged numbers and talked about the up coming St Patty's celebrations that were going to take place. I told him that I didn't plan on attending because I wouldn't drive into the City on St Patty's. That's when he mentioned his room mate was out of town and I could spend the night at his house.. in her room of course.
St Patty's Day 2007
All it took was me saying yes for my phone to start ringing off the hook. Everyone that knew us both was calling us asking what was going on. I liked this guy, yes. He made me laugh and he was handsome.. .but I really didn't know him. I didn't know what was going on. I was just living life and enjoying being single and in my twenty's.
Little did I know I wasn't going to ever date any else again after that night. Rob was all I needed or wanted for the rest of my life. We went to that St Patty's party together and that was all she wrote.
We both shared a love of sports. We both loved to laugh and giggle but we also knew when to be serious. I fell hard and fast. Rob never was in a long term relationship before. I knew from the beginning that he had never told anyone that he loved them before. I knew that was going to be a big step for him.
The first year of our relationship was amazingly hard on us. Rob became a supervisor for our company and rules were put in place that even though we were dating we were not allowed to work the same shifts. We both worked night shift at the time and what that translated to was us rarely having nights off together. To make matters worse after a few month of this they said that one of us had to switch to day shift. It was hard because we both loved nights. At the time I loved my partner and I couldn't picture myself on days and so Rob bit the bullet and went to days. Thankfully we did have more time off together, but we were now on completely different schedules.
Looking back I am amazed that we made it through that first year. Maybe it was the lack of time to see each other or the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
During that first year my Grandfather died and then my Grandmother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. My Grandparents taught me so much about love. My Grandma said something to me during that time that has stuck with me forever- "If your not happy then just move along don't stick around for the happiness to come."
So I did stick around, because Rob did make me happy even if our time together was not often. When he took me to meet his sister in Arizona as we were approaching our first year together I knew that even though he hadn't told me yet- that he loved me.
It took Rob just over a year to tell me he loved me, and that was via text. I know most women would have ran for the hills, but I stuck it out. I knew how he felt even if he had a hard time saying it.
During that second year my Grandmother lost her fight with lung cancer and died. On her death bed some of her last words of advise to me were that when I get pregnant to wear compression stockings so I don't get varicose veins like her. It was so her to worry about me and my future even as her life was ending. It was in her death that I started to really think about being a mother. It was her advise that made me realize that Rob was the person I wanted to have a family with.
Rob and I spent our first few years together traveling and enjoying life. Its something we plan to carry on and its something we want to do with our kids. We share a love of Walt Disney World and there is nothing we want more than to bring our kids some day.

Walt Disney World- Magic Kingdom

After 3 years together Rob proposed. We were traveling and in Las Vegas surrounded by some of our closest friends. A year after that we were married in our dream wedding on the beach on a beautiful May day.

You know something- I wouldn’t change a thing. All the trials and tribulations made us stronger. All the time we spent just being together, traveling and enjoying life are memories I will cherish for our lifetime together.
Since a few months after our wedding we have been trying to have a baby. We thought we would be parents by now, but God has another plan.
Life hasn't always been easy for us. I know that we will continue to have peaks and valleys and there will always be good times and bad.
Tree I planted in our name in Mexico-it was planted in memory of the past and in hopes of the future
What I know without a doubt is that Rob is my best friend and no matter what is ahead of us we can tackle it together.

Im not a Yankee's fan by the way... but DH surely is

Friday, July 19, 2013

Patience is not my virtue...

My online fertility medication pharmacy- Freedom Fertility- just called to fill my prescriptions and set up a delivery date for my August cycle.

I didn't know what medications I was going to end up with because the APN that I met with had to run them by Dr. S and the billing department to see what would be the best course of treatment and what was covered best by my insurance.

So I never knew what exactly we were exactly doing this cycle.

The winners are-

Menopur w/ Gonal-f w/ Ovidrel trigger, Dexamethasone daily, and Endometrin post ovulation.

I’m a little intimidated by the Menopur and Gonal-F protocol. Most of what I can research online shows them used together during and IVF cycle and I will be doing mine with IUI.

I do see a lot of success stories out there though! --Yay!

What I can tell is that I will likely be on lower doses with the IUI- I should have asked when they called, but I was at work and needed to get the order placed and off my personal phone.

I really hope this is the cycle. That these are the medications that I need to make our little baby a reality.

Everyone always says its the right combo of medications at the right time. So maybe this is it.

I read an awesome quote by TWLOHA's website today.

-for those that don’t know TWLOHA stands for to write love on her arms the following is their mission statement:

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

Anyway their quote today-

"If today is not the moment for you, don't lose patience... think that there will still be tomorrow and there will be happiness." - Cherice

I think this was todays gentle reminder for me to be patient. Not a super amazing trait of mine.

Im working on it though. This journey has taught me so much about patience and the lack of patience that I have..

Happiness is coming and everything is going to work out just the way its supposed to.

I just need to be mindful and continue to work on my patience.

Someone I casually work with -who knows absolutely nothing about our struggle to get pregnant told me she had a dream about my husband and I yesterday.

Very very weird by the way. She even admitted that she wasn't sure if she should tell me if she was having weird dreams about me (shes pregnant too by the way...)

She said she dreamt that I was about 9 months pregnant and loading a stretcher into the ambulance and she was yelling at me.

I guess that gave me hope. Maybe another gentle reminder from the man up stairs that its coming.

Keep patient and calm and everything is going to work out just the way its supposed to.

So that is what I am doing. Eating better, drinking plenty of fluid, decreasing my gluten, walking every night, laughing as much as I can, not letting small things stress me out, being kind to everyone I encounter and living life right now.

I truly can not wait to go to my acupuncture appointment on Monday.

I’m looking forward to the future and what is has to offer us, but I'm also not going to let the future take away from my present. This last cycle really tore me apart inside. I felt very defeated and I truly let it get to me.

I'm going to try my best to keep my chin up and keep moving forward.

Happiness is just ahead.

I can feel it.

-I would love to hear any Gonal F w/ Menopur protocol stories you lovely ladies have..

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

When your going through hell..

I heard a quote on Good Morning America this morning. 

Robin Roberts was talking about the Arthur Ashe Courage Award and saying how Arthur Ashe once told her, "You don't know how strong you are until you have to be stronger." 

Isn't that the truth. So much I have thought I wasn't going to make it through, but I have. I thought being cheated on by my long time boy friend was the end of the world, but I pulled through. I thought losing two childhood friends who were more like my brothers, my grandfather, both my grandmothers, and my uncle in a two year span was going to break me, but I made it through stronger. I thought having "friends" break my heart was all I could take, but I made it out with a better understanding and definition of friends. 

I guess the moral of  the story is before we go through the tough stuff and as were in the trenches battling the awful that life seems to continuously throw at us we don't really think we can handle it.. but we can. 

When we feel weak- we really are becoming stronger. 

These passed two weeks in the ALI community there has been way too much loss and tragedy. I know you women are going threw hell and feel helpless. I just hope that this holds true for you as well. Once you make it out I hope you are stronger for all the awful. I know pieces of you will never be the same- anytime you suffer a tragedy or loss of any kind you are a changed person, but I pray that on the other side of this awful is a strength you didn't know you had and a hole lot of beautiful in all of your roads ahead.

I have a few friends dealing with some awful of their own and my heart is breaking as I watch them struggle with the curve balls that life is throwing. I know that when they come out on the other side of this they will be stronger, they will be wiser, and they will be happier, even though right now they may feel that couldn't possibly hold true. 

I know for myself as I watch many of my friends around me become mothers and I let fear of not becoming one myself consume me that I have to just keep on moving forward. I will be stronger for this. I will be a better mother. I will appreciate more and complain less.

Its all leading to something. There has to be a bigger picture.

What ever brand of awful we are going through right now will eventually make us all stronger. Pieces of us may never be the same and our struggles may alter us and change us, but we will make it through. Something inside of us will be stronger. 

My heart goes out to you if your struggling right now. I wish there was something more I could do. I want to scoop every last one of you up in a hug and hold you tight. I want to tell you its going to be okay. That we are here for you and if you feel like you can't stand on your own two feet I want to tell you we will hold you. 

I want to be stronger too. 

And now to end on a song that could become an anthem for anyone who is battling any sort of awful...

If your going through hell...

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Why Cory Monteith's Death Breaks My Heart..

I've been tossing around if I should actually put this blog post out there or not.

How it may be received and how I may be received for it.

I've decided that if I can help someone- anyone who is struggling- then I want to regardless of what anyone else may think of me.

So here goes nothing..
Cory Monteith- the singing football player named "Finn" on Fox's hit show Glee was found dead in in hotel room this weekend.

Monteith was very public with his battle with drug abuse. He had just completed another stint at rehab in April. Monteith started his battle with substance abuse at 13 years old. At the time his family intervened and he went to rehab for his addiction problems.
Monteith was able to complete rehab and battle back. He garnered fame becoming "Finn" on Glee and was very public and open with his struggles.

Not many people know about my own history with substance abuse. I dated someone with a substance abuse problem and I ended up sharing his problem. It became my problem and while I spent a lot of time blaming him and harboring hate for him it was my problem. It was a battle that I had to overcome.
I spent a lot of time fixing my life. I stopped talking to anyone that was part of my previous life. I got help and I grew up. While I didn't land a role on a hit TV show I was much like Cory Monteith. I made a better future for myself despite my past.
I am sure if people knew of my history they would think differently of me. I am proud of myself for over coming the obstacles that I have. I have never looked back and I have never battled with substance abuse again. But that’s not to say that something wouldn't or couldn't send me over the edge and I am always fully aware of that. I have to be.
Its a thought that you keep tucked away. Anyone who has ever dealt with any substance abuse issues of any kind is always aware that they are one mistake away from destroying your future. Its an internal battle of wanting your future more than wanting that one moment of reprieve from your present.

And in this journey with infertility so far there have definetly been moments where I want to hide from the present. It is a choice that I make to keep on moving forward and not to revert back to old bad behaivors. It is a choice I make because I want a better future for me- for my kids- for my family. 

These choices are something I am sure Cory Monteith battled with daily. Especially once he garnered fame. You run into the wrong person from your past and you figure what the heck.. and next thing you know your future is gone and your family and friends are left heart broken and questioning why.
I always keep my family, friends and future in my mind any time I think that my present is too much to handle. It is how I continue to stay clean. 9 years clean to be exact. Something that I deserve to be proud of. Something I am proud of.
Of course the autopsy results are not back yet and maybe there is something more to this that we don't know yet.
None the less all signs are pointing towards a probable overdose.
I'm so sick of seeing posts calling him a "typical junkie" and "troubled kid".

No one who is posting this actually knows him personally. No one understands the mind of an addict unless they have been one themselves.

Instead I wish I saw more about fixing this problem. Offering more counseling. Reaching out to young teens before the problem starts. Drug control. Anything so that another child.. another brother.. sister... friend.. mother.. doesn't have to die because of their addiction...because their present has become to much to handle.. because they are a "junkie".. because they are "troubled".
I want to see more posts about "The Cory Moneith Project."  In my mind it would be where anyone who is struggling can reach out. Can find help easily and can continue living towards a future that they too can be proud of.
I don't often discuss my history. I don't often feel comfortable bringing up my past for fear of judgment. In fact very very few people know my battles and I am just fine with that.
In fact there is only one reason why I am bringing it up here despite my fear of being too open and that is because I want to help. I want to do something to prevent this from happening again.
I really do feel like this should be a catalyst for change. Drug addiction is a real battle. Its something you live with for the rest of your life. It is always in the back of your mind.
Instead of judging him. Instead of calling him a junkie. Take a moment and talk to your kids. Talk to your family members. Talk to your friends and your coworkers. Remind them that they are worth something. Remind them that there are options out there for them.
Take a moment today and remind someone that you care about them.
Remind them that their future is worth something.
Remind them that it doesn't have to be this way.
So if you have stumbled here and you have an addiction problem and you are struggling please reach out to someone.
Anyone. Even if its me. I’m here if you need to talk. There are other options -keep your chin up and keep on keeping on... its a life long battle and your life is worth living even when you are struggling and don't think so for your self.
Lets take this sad story of another life gone to soon and make a difference instead of passing a judgment.