IUI #6 Is A Bust

Well I won't have to wait until Monday after all. 

Last night at the wedding I got very crampy. At first I thought I had a stomach ache or ate something bad so I rushed off to the bathroom. I started my period. 

A 23 day cycle. IUI 6 is officially over. If I can find any solace at all its that I didn't have to wait the entire weekend to find out the results which alleviates the anxiety attack that was pending. 

I also left the bathroom and marched right to the bar and had a glass of wine. Rob and I talked about what we want to do next. Definitely taking two months off. I am going away in November for a girls weekend and I don't want to be fretting over timing and cycling  Then comes December and Christmas and I don't need to be stressing out during my favorite season. 

We decided that we will go to our consultation appointment with opens eyes and ears and see what they want to do next. I'm pretty sure they are going to recommend IVF and Rob thinks we should do it. 

I am not sure what I am feeling right now. Relief that I don't have to wait till Monday and get a call while I am at work and told that this cycle is a bust. Sad that my body can't pull it together. Happy that I have my husband by my side to lift me up. Even happier that my friend Kristien text me and lifted me up in prayer just as I got my period last night. 

The wedding was nice. I sounded so awful yesterday saying I couldn't see myself being happy for my friends during their wedding day. Even before my period started I was happy to be there with them. Weddings are a great time to listen to the sermon and reaffirm your vows to one another. Weddings are a beautiful union and my friends through a wonderful party. We laughed and had a great time and I am so grateful to be there to celebrate with them. 

Rob wouldn't smile... 

I'm off to make a grocery list. Im putting all the focus I have been using on cycling towards eating better and healing both mentally and physically. I have to wait till after my period and then get another ultra sound to be sure my ovaries have decreased in swelling so that I can start running, but today I plan on enjoying the day we were blessed with. Its like a May day here and I want to enjoy every second of it. 

Lady Bugs, Lyrics, and a Plan

For the record it was a beyond gorgeous day that we were blessed with here in South Jersey for late October. It was one of those windows opened and let the fresh air in kind of days. 

I went to the neck specialist today and for the second time in as many weeks I was told that my stress is adding to- if not causing all together- my pain and muscle spasms. I am honestly feeling a million times better than I was so I have no complaints. I am done with physical therapy, which is really a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Scheduling three additional doctors appointments a week was added stress in and of itself. I'm suppose to continue my stretches, continue stretching, and come back if there is any increase or change in the pain. 

The doctor is an older gentleman who I remembered had been ill during my last appointment. When I walked in I asked him if he was feeling any better. At the end of my appointment he said- "Might I ask how you knew I wasn't feeling well? Its very odd for patients to remember that their doctors aren't well and to ask if they are feeling better." 

Truth is one of the nurses had told me when I went in that he wasn't quiet himself because he was passing kidney stones. I know how painful those can be so I remembered to ask him how he was feeling  It made me feel good to know that me recognizing and remembering that he was in pain and taking a moment to ask him how he was doing made his day. 

The appointment left me feeling refreshed. I ran to the grocery store- which is normally a form of punishment because around here there are not too many stores, they are over crowded, over priced and understaffed. But as I turned the corner I ran into a wonderful friend of ours. He gave me a big hug and then walked the entire store with me as I shopped. It made my day. 

I put my windows down and drove home and this little guy flew in- 

 A little lady bug! It was perfect. Lady bugs are good luck and that left me feeling warm and fuzzy. It also helped for when I came home to more construction and discovered this mess- 

These are photos of our spare room- nursery to be- summer 2012 when we had construction done originally for our leaks we were given colors to chose to repaint the spare bedroom. We chose light shades of green because its to be a nursery and green works for boy or girl. It makes me a bit sad to think that was over a year ago and there is still no baby to put in the nursery. But it also reminds me that God always has a plan and if  there was a baby to put in that nursery right at this moment I would be even more stressed, because baby would be displaced while construction continues. 

Im reminded of this song lyric. Its my new plan on dealing with and handling my stress constructively. 

 I will play this song on repeat when I want to scream. I will take a walk when I want to hide. I will thank the Lord for all the blessings and count them daily instead of wishing for what I don't have. I have myself so stressed out I am officially making myself sick. I don't want to live in physical pain. I need to let some of what I have no control over go and let it be Gods Plan. 

Im 10 days post IUI today. I keep thinking positive and happy thoughts. I am hopeful and feel good. I have my beta on Friday and I hope to not test at home at all. I will either have the best phone call of my life Friday afternoon or another round of disappointment- in which case - cue the song lyrics, a walk, and a glass of vino... 

Fears Fueling Faith

This week has left me utterly terrified. 
 
I have seen friends miscarry this week, I have seen friends suffer from Pprom this week, I have seen failed IUI's, failed IVF's, pre-term labors and sick babies. 

This week has not been good to many in the IF community. I can only hope to keep the faith and keep praying for some miracles for so many. 

My prayers are extended to anyone else suffering this week, no matter what it is that is bringing you down - I hope that you find something to help lift you up. 

I am terrified because I watch these women battle for their pregnancies - to even achieve a pregnancy- and then watch as they lose their precious miracles. Not that it isn't as horrible when you haven't struggled to become pregnant and suffer from a tragedy.. its just that it hits home. It scares me. Why is this so common? Will I ever be able to be pregnant in the first place and then once I am pregnant (I still believe this is going to happen for us eventually- I refuse to let me self think otherwise ) will I ever be able to feel comfortable in celebrating my pregnancy without the fear of more loss at the back of my mind? I am just filled with so much fear and I guess I truly won't have the answers to those questions until I am faced with them directly. 

This has been a difficult week for me for other reasons other that being in the midst of a two week wait and watching tragedy unravel around me. This week my Great Aunt was placed on hospice care and given little time to live. I don't know if its easier or harder knowing that someone is going to die. It so difficult to hold a vigilance over them. So hard to come up with the right words to say to someone who knows they are dieing. So hard to be there and be present.. it weighs so very heavy on my heart.. 
 
I am doing my best to push my fears and sadness aside and push my faith to the forefront. I know that when my Aunt Sis dies she will be going home to the Lord. That she will be with her Sister (my Gram) and her brother as well as her husband who has passed before her. She say's she sees them now- and though the doctors say she's hallucinating I am holding faith that she is closer to them now more than ever. I miss my Gram so much and part of me is even jealous that Aunt Sis is going to see her soon. 

Some say that with death brings forth life. I can only hold onto hope that this is true. That with us losing my Aunt Sis a new life can be brought forth and bless our family. I hope and pray that the new life is one that I get to carry..


I did just return from my RE for my day 7 (but really day 6) post IUI progesterone check and ultrasound. 

I won't get my progesterone results unless I call in this afternoon, and honestly if there is anything wrong that something can actually be done about they will call me anyway. I think I am just going to let it be. Why stress myself out over something I have very little control over. Since ovulation was confirmed and I am taking my progesterone religiously twice a day I have no reason to fret that there is something wrong.

My ultrasound revealed that I did release multiple follicles from the right ovary and one from the left ovary. Both ovaries are pretty very enlarged at 15 x 16 cm each. I knew this was coming since I have had a lot of pain and discomfort. I'm officially on lifting and moving restrictions until they go down. I have larger then normal ovaries to begin with due to PCOS - add in ovulation drugs and multiple follicles and its the perfect recipe for large ovaries. The main worry is an ovarian torsion. I will be playing is extra careful and am hopeful that they will go down during the week.

My uterus has an 8mm lining and was Trilaminar. They were hoping to see my lining over 10mm, but 8mm isn't awful so no need to worry myself there either, especially since it was Trilaminar- meaning there was good blood flow and a good play for a little embryo to implant.

All in all things look good. They told me that I can come in next Friday (13 days post IUI) for my Beta. Either someone didn't read that I had my IUI on a Saturday or they are having mercy and decreasing my wait time. I'm also advised not to lift, twist, or push on my lower abdominal area.

Normally I have to wait the two weeks plus a day- that would land me on a Sunday and I would end up having to wait until Monday- aka 16 days post IUI and adding more days to the torture- for my initial Beta. 

I'm excited to get to next Friday. I'm excited to know if this cycle is our cycle. But, I'm also terrified. Part of me wishes I wasn't privy to all the things that could go so very wrong even after you receive that BFP. The other part of me is scared to death that this IUI didn't work and we are going to be moving forward into yet another treatment plan. 

For now I am just patiently waiting. Practicing deep breathing and praying. Hoping and praying that its our turn.

I continue to pray for many of you that are suffering right now- whether its due to loss, tragic medical issues, in the midst of two week waits, praying for embryo's or IVF's and transfers- my heart goes out to all. 

I hope that this coming week brings some good news to this community and I truly hope some miracles are witnessed by all. 

IUI 6

Everything seemed to go well today- DH had 32 million motile post wash. IUI was at about 09:30am. I felt ovulation pain and a lot of cramping all morning. Other than that things were fine. 

The lake that is next to my house- its most relaxing this time of year... 

By the time we got home I was exhausted. Still am in fact. It is official that if this cycle doesn't work I will be taking a break. My body is tired, my mind is tired, my poor hubby is tired. If this isn't it then its time to nap for an indefinite amount of time. 

I'm praying for a lot of my bloggy friends who had egg retrievals  IUIs, FET's, and consults today. I hope that your mind is strong and your body cooperates. I hope your doctors are wise and steady. I hope that October 19th is truly a lucky day for us all. 

Praying hard. Letting Jesus take the wheel and resting <3 

IUI 6 ~ TOMORROW What in the What..

I just got home from the RE with some crazy news.. my IUI is going to be tomorrow- cycle day 11. 

This is the earliest my eggs have ever matured....ever.  

My lining was 6mm- which is kinda junk, especially since last cycle it was 14mm, but last cycle also drug on and on and I took many more doses of Menopur. Last cycle also failed- so 14mm lining isn't all that anyway- maybe 6mm is. 

6mm isn't god awful. 6mm is just fine. Just fine. 

Right Ovary- 21mm, 18mm, 14mm, and 13mm
Left Ovary- 18mm <~~ look who was hiding in there all along! 

I was so surprised. Not just cause the left ovary had a follicle growing in there all along, but I really wasn't thinking tomorrow. Its wasn't even on my radar at all. I knew things were moving along well this cycle, and everyone was growing and I was praying to see someone hit 20mm today at this appointment, but I truly wasn't expecting it to really happen. 

I just took my Ovidrel shot, and we go tomorrow morning at 7:30 am to have my IUI in the Marlton office- I had to call out of work. 

I was hoping to find someone to cover this shift so I could go meet up with Charity at The Word Of A Nerd, but God had other plans for me tomorrow. I'm sorry I won't be meeting you tomorrow Charity, but I'm praying so hard that when we do get the chance to meet up again its because this day was planned by the Lord for other things.. 

As I was driving home from the RE Carrie Underwood's Jesus Take the Wheel came onto my radio. 

Jesus Take the Wheel - if you have never heard it click here and listen to it. I am positive you will be able to relate. 

                                             "Jesus Take The Wheel"

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Oh, Jesus take the wheel

Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

Oh, take it, take it from me.
Oh, wow, ohhhhh.

As soon as this song came on I promptly burst into tears. Happy tears. I'm one of those people that tend to think that everything happens for a reason. Some reasons we can't ever really explain or we don't fully understand, but I know that every choice I have ever made and every path I either chose to follow or chose to ignore, all of the mountains and obstacles I have climbed over and overcome- they are all leading to making my life what it is and what it is meant to be, and making me who I am and who I am suppose to be. Its all part of a bigger plan- the bigger picture. 

I guess what I am saying is- maybe there are reasons that I don't know yet as to why we were never able to get pregnant on our own. Maybe there is a reason that IUI's 1,2,3,4, & 5 did not work. A reason that we have waited 3 years and maybe- just maybe its for this to be our chance. Some of these follicles to be our baby(ies). A reason we have waited. 

Almost all of my friends were pregnant this this year together and maybe we were waiting- maybe so that our pregnancy would be our own. So that our pregnancy would happen exactly as God has always planned.. I can't help but let my mind wander to expected due dates, maternity photos, and the such. Its not easy to let it wander that far, because if there is anything I have learned -nothing is guaranteed  but if I don't let myself wander then I feel like I am dooming things before we hit start. I chose hope, I chose to let my mind wander, I chose those happy thoughts.. and I know not everyone will agree with that and that is okay, because this is how I chose to handle this cycle... our cycle.. 

I don't know if this cycle will work, but I have to keep the faith that there really is a reason for all this. There really is good stuff coming our way. I have to hope that this is the start of good news.. 

I can so relate to this song- 

"Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline

It'd been a long hard year"

Sometimes we ask why God? Why?! And our faith runs low. Im not asking that. Im just saying that I am ready. We are ready. No why's here today. 

It really had been a long hard year. The hardest of our married lives, but we have learned to come together and we have learned what giving 100% of ourselves to one another means and seen what it looks like.. 

                                        "Jesus take the wheel

Take it from my hands

Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go

So give me one more chance

Save me from this road I'm on

Jesus take the wheel"

So Jesus take the wheel. We can't do this on our own. There is still a miracle that needs to take place. So while my body is ready- we need Jesus to take control- take the wheel and give us our miracle. 

I have to let go of the control. We can do everything right- eat right, sleep enough, hydrate well, take our medications on time, have wonderful follicles, great lining, spectacular sperm counts- but without that miracle- without Jesus taking the wheel- it just won't be. 

(source)

So my prayer is for strength and peace. To know that whatever happens is Your will. You are ultimately in charge and all of this waiting is building us to be better parents. 

All of our challenges this year, while they have left us feeling bruised -both figuratively and literally- are uniting us closer in our marriage. Our financial struggles have taught us to appreciate the little things more and taught me how to really stretch the dollars that we are blessed with. The leaks and water damage in our home have taught me more about patience than I ever thought I would be able to understand. All of the friendships that we have garnered threw our various struggles have taught us about love- the power and strength of love. All of these struggles have renewed my faith and taught me to pray stronger and harder than ever. So I am praying now- for our miracle. For our turn. Our time.

Jesus take the wheel... because we can't do this on our own.... 

Construction, My Pup, and a Glass of Pinot Grigio

Construction- or deconstruction rather, begins on our home today. They will be ripping our bathroom ceiling down to see just how bad this round of water damage really is. If you’re the praying type- if you wouldn’t mind taking a moment to please pray with us that there is no mold damage on top of the water damage. If you don’t pray and would like to invent a no mold dance please do and share it with me too – no doubt I will be doing the no mold dance at my desk at work all day long. Mold damage requires abatement – which is not cheap and there is also the health aspect. None of this I want to deal with. This will be the third go around with water damage due to flooding and leaks at this home and I am praying that we caught this one prior to mold being a factor. I will post some pictures of our ceiling tomorrow for sure.

I just finished at the RE office my estrogen levels actually went up for a change- which is normally a struggle for my body at this point in my cycle- I went from a level of 50 to a level of 181. I am still spotting – which is insane for me. I normally only bleed for four days at the very most- I’m entering day eight...I’m not too concerned since my lining last cycle was a whopping 14mm, hopefully the bleeding stops very soon though. My lining is currently at 6mm –which considering it still has time to get better, and I’m still bleeding, is very good news. My left ovary is continuing to be not only lazy, but difficult. No follicles grew –all are still less than 10mm- and my ovary is currently behind my uterus which makes it difficult to access during ultra sound and harder to view (read more uncomfortable and more pressure for Kasey.) My right ovary continues to be a champ though- 4 follicles are growing- 16mm, 13mm, 11mm and 11mm- which is amazing and brought tears to my eyes because it has been a true battle to get a follicle over 10mm at this point in my cycle. This is all wonderful news and I go back on Friday to see where we are- I am hoping to see a 20mm on Friday...I mean why not shoot for the stars? I will continue with 225 IU Menopur and .25 Dex- this dose really seem to be working without continually adjusting and changing the medications and that is helping with my stress level as well. So yay! Go IUI 6!! Go right ovary!!

In totally unrelated- but super happy news- I took Swishy, our mini doxie and our "handsome little man" (we fully admit to being dorks and spoiling this little guy rotten ) to the vet yesterday for his yearly shots and wellness checkup. I just received a call that he is super healthy and has no parasites or sickies! Yay for a healthy pup! My Mother in Law will be at our home today and I am sure she is going to bring him her home cooked cookies for him and spoil him to pieces!



Sir Swish-A-Lish not wanting to get out from bed this morning!



I also want to share how truly amazing my BFF ‘L’ is. She really is amazing. We’ve been best friends since we could walk. We went to the same pre-K program and went to school side by side our entire lives. L is beautiful and smart and amazing and I really am so truly lucky. She and I do have a hard time spending time together during the school year due to our insane schedules, but we managed to get together on Monday and partake in a few margaritas, some lunch, and some shopping. –Thank you Columbus Day for something! While she can’t offer me lots of advice on the TTC adventure because has yet to deal with any of these issues she is always ready with a ready ear to listen to whatever I am going through. She always offers words of support and love as we navigate this journey. She’s such a wonderful rock for me. I guess what I am trying to say is I am beyond grateful for her.

On Monday she gave me a small gift bag with some cookies, chocolate, and a bottle of my favorite wine. I mean the girl really does know the way to help heal my heart. There was a card with it that included the verse Matthew 11:28- "Come to me all you who are weary and I will give you rest." It meant so much to receive this small gift. It means so much to have someone there to remind me to stay faithful, hopeful, and graceful no matter what life throws at me. She also reminds me that we are never alone on this journey. Not to say I don’t have other people to lean on during the rough stuff, but there is truly nothing like a girl’s best friend. Thank you L. I love you to the moon and back and am so happy that God gave me you as a best friend!

I’m so thankful for so many people that have leant me advice, a prayer, or an ear during all of this, but having your best friend acknowledge all the junk in your life with a warm wish and a prayer means so much. I don’t know how I will ever repay everyone that has leant me their love during our trials – the only way I know is to continue to be here for anyone that needs us during their trials.

I truly hope that today brings you good news and rest if you are weary. Sending out my love and prayers that today is a good day for you too <3

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

On Wednesday afternoon I started to spot…just like I knew I was going too. I contacted my RN triage line and told them I was spotting. They STILL wanted me to come in for a Beta on Thursday, since it wasn’t yet "full flow." I refused and told her I really did not require another blood test to prove that I wasn’t pregnant. IUI 5 was officially a bust and I wasn’t going to have someone call and reiterate that to me again. I got it… it was crystal clear..

By Thursday it was full flow and I contacted the RN triage line yet again. This time I spoke to my favorite nurse –who I think is part angel and also was on the verge of tears while we were talking. She was so sweet and knew that Saturday’s are more difficult for me to come in on due to my schedule, so she arranged for my appointment for my Day 3 ultrasound and blood work to be today instead.

As soon as I walked in my favorite angel RN saw me and asked me to come into the private meeting room with her. I promptly burst into tears. I don’t know why really- I mean I am sad, but this is nothing new and not my first go round on the merry-go-round of failed cycles. I think it was her genuine concern for me and she told me when she was writing progress notes yesterday she screamed out in frustration for me. She hugged me while I sobbed- it shows true concern and care when you let someone snot up your shoulder and its not even 8am yet. I love her. I’m so thankful for her. If your reading this somehow Mary- you really are a saint.

I went for my blood work and the phlebotomist hugged me too. She said she was angry for me and angry with me. It felt good to acknowledge that I am angry. Mad at no one particular- but everyone and the universe all at once.

Mad at the baby bump that stood in front of me while I waited for coffee. Mad that I didn’t have a baby bump to gently caress. Mad at the rain and the wind that poured down. Mad at work. Mad at life. Just plain mad. I’m a mad girl today and I am frustrated and guess what- its okay for me to feel like that sometimes.

Then I went in for my ultra sound and Dr. S walked in. I was prepared for his typical "it’s going to work" speech. Instead I saw a different side of him. He was mad too and upset for me and also determined. He told me its okay to feel however I need to feel right now- but then I need to find some positivity and find some happy. My RN basically said the same thing. She told me to stay hopeful, stay positive, because being mad and sad and angry are all okay for now- but then I need to go to my happy place and find my positivity.

Last night I was driving home from work- it was pouring. The kind of rain where no matter how fast the windshield wipers go you still can’t see through the rain. The fog was rising off the street and it was dark and the air was brisk. It was eerie and windy and tree limbs were down everywhere. And I realized that the picture before me is exactly how I felt inside too. Stormy and mad and angry and I want to break things and knock down tree limbs- but then the sun is going to rise again… it hasn’t risen here in South Jersey yet- were in the middle of a 5 day nor’easter and I’m hopeful my stormy mood lifts before the actual storms that are hitting us here end.

I prayed and I cried on my way home. I prayed for my husband to find his hope and his happy again. He’s so down in the dumps and defeated. He needs something to come through- something to go our way for a change. I prayed for our leaky ceiling- that we find the source of the leak and that it stops raining in my bathroom (any leak experts reading?? Lol). I prayed for all of my friends here that are struggling- those with embryos that need a boost, those who have just gone through losses, those struggling with their losses, those whose cycles ended, those whose cycles never began… all those waiting and waiting and waiting.. . I prayed for all of you. I know that you all often pull and pray for me too. I prayed that this cycle brings us closer to being parents and I cried – ugly cried- that we deserve to be parents -that our parents do deserve to be grandparents. Damint universe let us all show you!! Then I prayed for my in law’s health and my parent’s health- that they can all stay well enough to be grandparents. That they can weather this storm however long its going to take. I prayed for strength and wisdom and I prayed for comfort.

Then I ugly cried the rest of the way home- wiping tears away as they slid down my cheeks mimicking my windshield wipers as they tirelessly cleared my windshield for me. It wasn’t pretty- my eyes still feel puffy and raw.. But it was effective. I put it all out there. I feel raw (and puffy lol).. I feel open and refreshed.. I feel renewed..

I felt a bit better this morning other than the ugly crying in the doctors office, but that was brought on by half being happy that so many people care for me and half being angry and sad still. I haven’t found my happy just yet. I know it’s out there though.

Today’s ultra sound reveals- my lining is 7mm, my left ovary has 8 follicles under 10mm and my right ovary has 10 under 10mm. The biggest releif is that I am cyst free!

My period really hasn’t been as awful as I anticipated (this isn’t a challenge mother nature!). I really thought it was going to be much worse so I am thankful for that.

I will start Menopur at 225 IU tonight with my Dexamethasone .25 daily. As I already knew this will be my last Menopur cycle before a break and consult for other options…opinions.. and maybe other doctors. My husband and I have agreed to go to the consult with this practice and see what their next steps are because it is close, in network, and we do have a bond with some of the people there. After that consult (if we come to that) we will then decide together what our next steps will be..

I am not going to think about any of that right now because I’m practicing internally chanting –"6^th times the charm!!!!6th time is the FREAKING CHARM!!!!" – Over and over and over until I really believe it- until ever fiber of my being believes it, because really there is nothing wrong with believing it..

The worst that happens is the 6^th times not the really the charm and there is something else out there that will be the charm – something else that is meant to be—someone else’s path that we have yet to have crossed… until the 6^th time ISNT the charm then in my mind it IS. It will be… I will lose my voice chanting it and I will repeat it until I do believe it..

I return on Monday to check on things. I also have my annual well appointment with my ob/gyn on Monday.

Yay- Happy Columbus Day! Two doctor’s appointments in a row where I get to take off my pantalones.

Boom.

Okay off to find my happy. How do you find your happy when its gloomy outside and you feel uber gloomy inside too?

Anyone got a corny joke to share?

I really truly hope that wherever you are or whatever you are going through you have found your happy too and that the sun is shining in your neck of the woods.