Snapshot Sunday!

Look what I bought yesterday at Target! 

I swear they have EVERYTHING. 

I always go in there for 1 specific thing.. then half way threw the store I find myself standing in the middle of the isles racking my brain for what I actually came for.

It should be noted that I did not come for this.. 

What do you want to be when you grow up?

You know when your growing up and people always ask- "What do you want to be when you grow up?" 

I never had a real answer to that. I never had my eye on a career that was perfect to me. I never saw anything glaring in my future- Such as I didn't see myself as a 911 Dispatcher and an EMT. Its just something I fell into. 

I never had a clear picture of my future anything past living in the moment. 

I didn't really dated around as a young woman. I was with the same guy for many, many years. Mr. Toolbag and I met at 10 years old. 10 years old ya'll. I considered him my best friend. I only saw a future with him. And he was awful to me. Just awful. He used and abused me. I let him. For some reason I let him treat me like crap for many many years- until at some point- I finally had enough and my broke the tether. 

Maybe someday I will open up about the "until at some point" - the point in which Mr. Toolbag pushed me over the edge and the things that led up to it. I'm not in a point- even almost 10 years later, where I talk about this much. 

I always felt I had to be attached to him. I felt controlled by him. If he was sad- I was sad. I didn't have my own point of views. I didn't even have a favorite color of my own. 

I ate scrambled eggs. Not because I liked them scrambled- but because he did. 

I gave him everything. After I broke that tether I spent a few years actually finding out who I was and what I wanted. 

Ps. I like my eggs over easy. Not all scrambled up.

I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. 

Seriously- it still changes daily. 

But one thing I knew for sure when I spent those years finding me- I knew I wanted a family. A stable, happy, caring family. I wanted to be a mom. A totally kick-ass mom. 

I found Rob and one of the very first realizations I had is that we wanted the same things. We wanted a family and we wanted to be kick-ass parents. I knew he would be a wonderful father to our children. It was very early on that I realized that, which is why shortly after we married we tossed the BCP's and waited for a baby. 

Still waiting...

We have wanted this for so long. Its the one thing I know I want to do when I grow up. Its the one thing I am beyond positive about. 

Of course its the one thing I can't seem to make into reality. 

Its the one thing completely and totally out of my control.

I know life is all about timing. Hopefully this is our time. Hopefully now at this very moment there is some sperm meeting egg -attaching to uterus- action occurring right here inside of me. 

I know when our time comes- no matter the road we have to travel to get there we are still going to be kick ass parents. 

In other news I joined IComLeavWe this week. I am an avid blog reader and I noticed many of the people I follow are a part of ICLW. The gist of it is one week a month bloggers support one another in the form of comments. Here is the link if you too are interested as well.

http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2013/06/icomleavwe-july-2013/

And lastly- I follow this blog: http://whoshotdownmystork.blogspot.com

She posted a video that her husband took of her post follicle retrieval for IVF. The reason I am sharing is a) Because after reading her blog for sometime I really, really feel like I know her. I probably sound stalker-esque but she makes me laugh, she makes me cry and she brings me hope. and B) This video that I am talking about made me and Rob laugh out loud till we cried last night.  

I want to offer Who Shot Down My Stork some support while they await the call about their own sperm meeting egg drama. I feel for them because this is the only IVF cycle chance they have with insurance assisting in coverage because -for lack of the right words- their insurance company are tools. 

So this morning while I was thinking about my own struggles and sperm meeting egg drama I was reading about theirs and realized this really needs to work for them... more than our current cycle needs to work for us. I would love for both our cycles to work out this time by the way..but we still have awesome insurance to back us- so instead of dwelling on my cycle I am sending good vibes to my friends over at Who Shot Down My Stork.. I hope you will too! 

Ps- Dear Who Shot Down My Stork- I swear Im no crazy stalker. Just a women who's all progesteroned up (read emotional) and my heart totally goes out to you. Like seriously- I laughed this morning and then I cried because I was thinking of your video and your cycle. I can't imagine the emotions your going thru today. 

Little fingers.

Last night I had a very vivid dream- 

Nothing new for me I dream often and remember them often. 

Last night I dreamt about a baby girl. This is not the first time I have dreamt about babies however this is the first time the baby was so vivid that I can describe her to you now. 

What she looked like, what she was wearing, how her fingers looked.. 

She had dark long hair. A full head of hair in fact. 

Deep dark eyes - the kind of eyes that pierce threw you. 

This little button nose that matched her itty bitty mouth with full pink lips. 

She was tiny. She couldn't have been more than 5lbs. 

She had these long skinny fingers with these little nails. They wrapped right around my finger in my dream. I remember the little lines on her knuckles. 

She was wearing a pink onesie and on it read "twins" in pastel colors- a green T, a yellow W, a blue I, a pink N, and a white S.

There was only one baby in my dream though. 

She talked too- like I said she was itty bitty and there was no doubt it was a dream once the baby told me it didn't hurt her for me to hold her anymore. 

We never called her by a name. Someone else was there- Im thinking Rob, but I never saw him, only heard a voice. 

The voice said "You did good". 

I have babies on the mind all the time. Like I've said I have dreamt about babies before but never this vivid and they surely have never spoke to me. 

I like to think of signs from above. Maybe God heard my prayers and knew I needed some kind of reassurance that eventually everything is going to be okay. Maybe this dream was a look into a future that I've been having a hard time seeing lately. 

I've been struggling this cycle. After building up last cycle so much and having such a let down I never let myself build this cycle up. I'm still not building this cycle up- the catch is last nights dream helped me see a future with a baby. So while I'm still not feeling wonderful, happy thoughts about this cycle - I have not lost hope in a future. 

A future where there is a baby girl with a pink onesie.. or a baby boy in blue... who really knows what the future holds- or what this dream actually means- but I really can't get those little fingers and dark piercing eyes out of my mind this morning. 

IUI # 3

Rob and I just got doing what we do best- cooking together in the kitchen. We really are a great team and work together so very well. Our parents always compliment our ability to work together and not bicker.

This last month since Rob has lost his job has been extremely stressful. Some marriages would crumble under the stress and the pressure. I honestly can say our marriage is stronger and better. For the passed month I feel like Rob has appreciated me more, has a better understanding of all the mundane things I take care of, and I feel like we have overcome something to make us stronger as a couple.

It made me think of when we do get to have kids we really are going to be a great team.

We're going to work together and we going to raise kids that can cook in the kitchen, play in the field, and do whatever they set their mind too.

We're going to raise honest -faithful kids who understand what respect is.

When we get the chance- we're gonna do all those things and more.. when we get the chance.

Today was IUI #3 and I still feel terrible about it.

I ovulated 1 Follicle and Rob had a 40 million count post wash.

I saw Dr. V today who makes me feel very uneasy. I never feel like he has it all together. I feel like he doesn't read about his patients prior to meeting them and it made me more uneasy than I was before.

Two main conversations put me off - One he walked in with a waiver for me to sign making sure I understand what an IUI is- he stated "being this is your first IUI .."

Uh. Nope. Try 3rd. You probably should already know that dude.

Then afterwards as he's about to walk out without talking to me I brought up the Endometrin. I have three giant boxes and I know how suppositories work and all - but shouldn't the doctor be the one to explain them in a bit more detail? Like when to start them. What I can expect. When to stop. I research a lot on my own. I ask questions and I talk to my friends - I get it, but when I asked about the Endometrin his reply was "Oh you want to start them?"

Dude. Your office prescribed them to me.

I don't want to try anything. I want to have wild unprotected sex and get pregnant like the chicks on 16 and pregnant. Not have to shove anything in my va-jay-jay for any purpose other than pleasure.

Since that is not an option at this point bring on the suppositories, needles and whatever else you feel I need to make this work- but don't forget to read my chart next time you talk to me.

So we wait.

For the next two weeks I shove Endometrin up the va-jay-jay.

Next week 7 days post IUI I have blood work for my P4 check- which better be high - since the Endometrin is being introduced for that very purpose.

Then 7 days later I test and have a beta done. More than likely the added progesterone will hold off AF.

So here's to another 2 week wait.

As always prayers and well wishes warmly welcomed!

The 5 Stages of Infertility.

Every month I go thru these 5 stages during my cycle-

　

1st- I start out optimistic & hopefully and feeling ready for a new start.

　

2nd- I convince myself that I am pregnant and dream about due dates and Pinterest baby decorating ideas.

　

3rd- I worry that something is going wrong and fret.

　

4th- I go thru denial that I've had another failed cycle.

　

5th- I cry and mourn another lost cycle and then I move on.

　

This month though I seemed to have skipped steps 1 and 2 in my normal process.

　

I’m missing steps.

　

I’m fretting already.

　　

I've jumped directly to step 3 and I haven't even had my IUI yet. It started at my day 12 appointment when my RE didn't have a super optimistic attitude. It increased when I started feeling run down and craptastic yesterday and then it amplified times six trillion when I took my Ovidrelle last night after stabbing myself realized that I didn't get all of the medication. Granted it wasn't more than a droplet that I missed and ended up squirting down my belly instead- but still do we really need anything going against us at this time?

　　

Now I’m just sad and depressed and have zero hope for a cycle that hasn't even started.

　　

I’m bitter too- so bitter. Its awful and I hate myself for it but I really can't be happy for the baby showers I have coming up and the baby announcements that keep coming up. I know its awful. I try to be happy for everyone else but just keep coming back to bitter.

　　

I really feel like I have hit a new low. I am this awful person who can't be happy for anyone else right now and its just terrible and not who I normally am. I wish it wasn't who I have morphed into this week either.

　　

I am so praying that everything goes well tomorrow and that the progesterone that they are adding it what we need- but I’m also being totally honest with myself and I am not getting my hopes up this time.

　

Call it a defense mechanism if you will.

　

Also- please don't hate me cause I am bitter and bloated and cranky.

　　

Cheers to a better week ahead I hope!

Fists of frustrated fury..

Today was my cycle day 12 appointment with the RE.

　

I still have Big Bertha- she is now inside my uterus though which means its a brandy new cyst. This Big Bertha is small- but concerning. Hopefully she just disappears and causes me no more issues.

　

But these bitches seem to really like the environment I got brewing in there.

　

I have a nice 7mm lining and 2 follicles on the left 16mm & 17mm and 1 on the right 12mm.

I swear he said that one of my follicles was behind my ovary. I have no idea what that means and I really wish I would have asked because my internet research isn’t revealing much of anything useful. Maybe it was hiding..

Ill go with that unless anyone out there has any insightful information about this..

Pending my blood work results today the plan is-

　

I will take my Ovidrelle shot Saturday night at 9pm and have IUI # 3 on Monday.

Ill start my Progesterone Suppositories after IUI.

　

I saw Dr S. today. He is normally upbeat and always talked to me in a positive light-- before today that is. Today he didn't say anything positive. There are no glaring issues for him -and in turn me- to not be positive about. But once he started on his next steps tirade I just felt defeated.

　　

Like dude lets not discuss this until its time.

Can I hear a – "And then we will see you 7 days post IUI for bloodwork and 15 days post IUI for positive beta! Fingers crossed for you!"

But no- I get the "next cycle were gonna… or we may.. or lets discuss" conversation instead..

I get it- he wants to prepare me - but still the lack of positivity and avoidance of discussing this cycle any farther put me in a sad mood.

　

I wanted to cry and couldn’t put my finger on why.

I still want to cry and now its because I am so over appointments and blood work and the va-jay-jay cam.

I don’t usually sit around feeling sorry for myself but with two more friends of ours announcing their pregnancy’s I just want to shout and cry and ball my fists up in frustrated fury.

Dear uterus, ovaries, follicles and spermies- lets pull it together shall we!

Hopefully little Bertha doesn't produce any hormones or grow or do much of anything other than diss-a-freaking-pear.

　

Hopefully I ovulate and my progesterone levels rise. Hopefully this doom and gloom attitude disappears.

　

Hopefully 3rd time really is the charm.

Hold Please

I have had this terrible habit for the last six months or so.

It is so time to kick it.

I keep putting things on hold. My excuse is always the same- "Well I will be pregnant by then.."

The more months that pass I realize that I'm not pregnant and I might not be pregnant "by then". The more events and activities I'm being left out of because I have chosen to sit the side lines instead.

Whatever "by then" is at this point is completely unknown.

　

I made an important choice to sign up for the Richmond 8k in November. I am taking a weekend trip with some very special women and I wasn't going to sign up to run as well because "by then" I may be pregnant.

　

Well what if I’m not? What then?

8k Ahead!

I will be sitting on the side lines not running or enjoying the weekend because I will likely be sulking over the fact that "by then" I'm not pregnant.

No I won’t keep doing this to myself.

It stops now.

　

I'm not giving up hope by any means. I may be pregnant by then and I may be "throwing" away a registration fee. If so then so be it. But I am not going to keep putting my life off or on hold because I may be pregnant.

I need to continue to live and be happy and grow as a person with or without a child. I will continue to fight for a baby and I will continue to hope and pray that "by then" comes sooner rather than later, but I can't stand the thought that most of my focus for the last six months was on getting pregnant and that not coming to fruition.

　

　

Placing life on hold waiting for the what ifs and maybes is just not working.

So no more. Time for some change and time to start training for my 8k!!

My Ode to Father's Day..

Father's Day is a hard day for my family. 

Its in-particularly emotional, and thats with out Clomid. 

My Grandfather- our Family's Patriarch and the best man in the world- passed away a few years ago. With his passing my family fell apart so to speak. My Mom, Dad, Brother and I are all still in contact and close- but the rest of our family, that was held together by his glue, seemed to have crumbled with his death. 

It makes me emotional to think about Father's Day's of ole. 

BBQ's and family.. family that I barely speak to anymore. 

I did make it to see my Pop's and have a nice cup of coffee with him this morning. 

My Dad is so special to me. He drove me to and from countless sporting practices and games. He taught me how to be the very best me I could be. He was a patient Father who has nothing but kindness in his heart. I can honestly say that I do not ever remember my Father raising his voice at me. 

I think my Dad became a great Dad because he didn't have the chance to experience it himself. 

His Father was killed when my Dad was still young. He didn't get to experience all the years and time together. It was taken from him before it should have been.

I always think that the events in our history that are hard and that make us overcome and struggle a bit are leading to something more. 

For my Daddy it was losing his Father in a tragic event that shaped what kind of Father he would someday be.

Its in that thought process that I think of Rob today. 

I wish my body would stop failing us so that he could get to be a Father too. 

But I think that in my bodies failure to grant our wish immediately it is giving us the chance to appreciate our children a little more- and thats before they are even here. 

I think that this obstacle is making us stronger parents already because we are willing to do anything to be parents. Because its not coming easy to us and we are working harder for it. 

My wish is that this time next year Rob gets to be a part of Father's Day too. 

I know when he is given the chance that he is going to be simply amazing. 

Splashing in the Puddles..

Today was a rough day. 

Not because Facebook had another run on pregnancy announcements. 

Or because Clomid was turning me into a 12 year old hormonal girl again. 

Today we laid a wonderful man to rest. A mentor, friend, father, husband, teacher- someone who I can honest to God say- made me a better EMT, Dispatcher and overall person. He was in so much pain battling cancer the last few years of his life- at least now we can rest easier knowing that he is at peace and without pain. Im sure he's drinking a coffee up there looking down on us. 

He would for sure tell us to quit crying and start laughing. 

This evening I walked in the Relay for Life- many of my wonderful friends from my online communities as well as my friends and family near and far donated towards this event. 

It held a special place after laying Jim Cline to rest today. 

But it also opened my eyes-

You see a mother who lost her child to pediatric cancer told me this evening that one of our friends sons- who was splashing in the puddles and currently being reprimanded- reminded her of a web page she once read. 

She continued on to explain that a mother who also lost her son to pediatric cancer wrote about her wish for all kids to be able to enjoy something as simple as splashing in the puddles. 

It really made me think- something that many of the parents were yelling at their kids for doing at this very moment- these mothers want nothing more than to see their kids do over and over again. 

Mind you in no way am I even remotely attempting to relate losing a child to pediatric cancer to infertility struggles. 

But much in the way this mother wishes for nothing more than to see her child splash in the puddles- 

I do too. 

It really made me think that someday when my children are splashing in the puddles. When they are muddy and soaking wet- when they won't listen - I know that I will be taken back to that very moment-

When this mother stood and chose to speak to me. 

When she blessed me with this story and this lesson on the little things. 

When she opened my eyes and my heart a bit more. 

When she shared a beautiful reminder with me. 

And you know what I plan on doing? 

Splashing with them. 

Tonight all of my energy goes towards some special prayers for those who I walked with and for at the Relay for Life Event. May we walk to find a cure! 

Pete Hagerty who was co-team captain with me and is a cancer survivor and I pray continues to be one for a very long time!

Jim Cline Sr (paramedic NJ 0043)- who taught me the little things in life- like dreaming big and making a good cup of coffee. 

Maureen Gehringer- my grandmother, my angel, my guardian. I miss you will all my heart. I know you are watching over us always. 

Mary Sweeney- my other grandmother who battled cancer for many years and who is finally at peace watching over us all.

Melissa Fest- my Aunt who I pray overcomes the road ahead of her and beats the odds in her battle. 

Christian Clopp- who inspired us all and who's mother is the one who reminded me to splash in the puddles. 


Yes today was a rough day indeed. I think I would refer to it as awful and beautiful. 

It was beautiful to see so many say their farewells to a wonderful man and friend. 

But awful to see him go. 

And it was also beautiful to see so many survivors walking, so many caregivers, so many supporters, donators, friends and family at the Relay for Life. 

But awful to know that some are not there with us. 

It was beautiful for that mother to share her story with me. 

But awful that she has to have that story to even share. 

Yes it was an awful and beautiful day... and I am better for every second of it. 

How do you know Clomid is coursing threw your veins?

Quick post and run...

How do you know that Clomid is already coursing threw your veins heading straight on a one track highway to your ovaries?

And how do you know your an emotional disaster zone?

How do you know PMS is currently eating your very soul?

How are you sure that you are exhausted and need a break from soooo very much in life?

Here is how- your watching a Yankee game with your husband. It's the 15th inning and a runner is coming home- he barrels over the catcher and the catcher rolls over and holds onto the ball for the out!

Not even the 3rd out mind you..

You're not even a Yankees fan...

You have zero attachment to this catcher what-so-ever....

And you promptly burst into tears and start crying hysterically because he held onto the ball and made the out...

Rob thinks I'm highly intoxicated, sleep deprived and tired...

Two out of the 3 yes..

The intoxication I am not..

No, no this my friends is hormones at their finest... I feel like a 12 year old girl lol

And now it's off to bed for this basket case...

I have a giant cyst- I have named her Big Bertha

Today was my day 3 blood work and ultra sound to be sure I have no cysts. 

I have a 20mm cyst- most likely Corpus Luteum Cyst to be exact. 

I say most likely because I am on Clomid and Clomid is known to make Corpus Luteum Cysts.

This morning my doctor and I discussed how much pain I am in right now and then he did my ultra sound. That's when Big Bertha was located residing taking over on my right ovary.

Dr. S said I needed to have my blood work done. If my new friend Big Bertha was producing hormones this cycle was to be cancelled until Big Bertha left. So off I went to get blood work and fret for over 6 hours about whether or not this cycle was a bust prior to even beginning. 

Dr. S and I also talked about my progesterone- or rather lack of progesterone. Dr S. has decided that I will start progesterone vaginal suppositories after IUI. 

Thankfully I just received word that Big Bertha is non hormone producing - so ding ding ding we are go for Clomid Round 3. 

150mg days 3-7- however since I wasn't allowed to start Clomid today I will start tomorrow -technically my day 4. 

Dexamethasone until I am pregnant .25 mg daily. 

Progesterone Suppositories after ovulation. 

Metformin was discontinued.. I don't think I ever wrote about my fun side affects due to this drug- needless today it wasn't working out and we parted ways. 

*Please. Please. Please Please be the magic mix of medications to get us our happy ending* 

Dr. S and I briefly touched on injectibles today. Basically I will have a much more in depth lesson and meeting about them if it comes to them.

More than likely we will also have to take a break cycle after this one because I'm producing a lovely Big Bertha and they are afraid I may continue to produce Big Bertha's siblings. 

Since Im returning to happy- optomistic- begining a new cycle Kasey- lets not start to think about that right now. IUI # 3 is gonna be the cycle. 3rd times the charm mi amigos! 

In review- my ovary feels like I'm being stabbed because of Big Bertha. My uterus is shedding a 10mm lining. And I am about to start another round of 150mg Clomid. 

Ding. Ding. Ding let the fun begin.

What Big Bertha probably looks like right now- ya know in case you were all wondering about my ovaries today..

Moving forward...

I'm trying to pull myself out of my funk today. I have to face that this cycle is out and its time to just move forward.

My RE called today. I go tomorrow for blood work and an ultra sound. They want to rule out any cysts prior to starting Clomid.

They called in my Clomid. Its 150mg cycle days 3-7. I will start on Thursday as long as my ultra sound is good.

My period is AWFUL.The major down fall of having a good lining go to waste is that now my uterus needs to expel a 10mm lining. And as I have stated- its AWFUL.

We will also sit down for a next steps appointment. Basically if the Clomid doesn't work this cycle we need to talk about where we are going and what we are doing for the following cycle.

Part of me doesn't want to think about cycle 4 with the RE. My hope would be that it won't exist- but since this same exact plan that we are currently doing did not work I really don't have hopes set too high.

I'm scared of 'whats next". I was always led to believe that we could get pregnant right away. They had no reason to believe that their first treatment plan wouldn't work and here we go talking about the next level of care.

Anyway after tomorrows appointment I plan on tucking those fears away. I have plenty of things to worry about and worrying about a future treatment plan is not going to help the present.

I hope today finds you where you want to be.

Today I chose to move forward and pray for a good appointment tomorrow and a good next cycle.

I'm not pregnant.. what else is new..

What else is there to really say about that?

Honestly I am bummed. Worse than bummed I feel defeated and broken and all those other immensely un- happy and un-helpful infertile person thoughts that can creep in on the really bad days.

I was truly looking for good news. I truly felt like this was the cycle. I felt so good about it… so positive.

At one point I would have sworn to you -I had this feeling and I knew there was not only going to be a baby this cycle- but more than one!

We had at least two good eggs. Good lining. Confirmed release of the eggs. We had great sperm counts.

And yet. Here I am still barren as the day is long.

I guess if I’m looking for good news its that for the first time in ages I had a 14 day luteal phase. –yay! Lol

I will call my RE at some point today to discuss the next treatment plan. They already said they want to try another round with 150 mg Clomid- plus the dexamethasone. My RE does 3 rounds of Clomid and then considers it a failure after the 3rd cycle. Maybe 3rd times the charm..

I want to discuses in greater detail the lack of Progesterone. Normal for a women ovulating is over 10. For a woman who is being treated by Clomid – or any medicated cycle for that matter- it should be at least over 15. I am still barely over 10. Its concerning and its the only thing that is still "off". Maybe its the key to the broken baby maker puzzle…

I would actually feel better about this entire ordeal if they could say to me- "Here! here is the problem and now we will attempt to solve it!"

But, nope. No one knows what the problem seems to be. So now we will pick ourselves up and move forward onto another cycle of Clomid. Which for the record - I am absolutely not excited about. Clomid. 150mg seemed to do wonders with my emotional well being- and by wonders I mean I turn into Crazy-Kasey. Half Kasey Half batshitbanana's lady with very little patience for very much of anything.

Not exactly the best emotional state for me to be in considering our current state.

Cheers to 22 cycles of tracking and trying and failing– and still hoping and praying that cycle 23 is the one.

Tonight I will do what most infertile women do when they also find out they aren’t pregnant – pop a cork on a bottle of wine and think about happier times and dreams of a future where I get to have a big baby belly and share good news with you all.

So have ya tested...

So have ya tested seems to be the question of the morning.

Why yes.

Yes indeedy do…

I have.

Negative as negative gets.

Start negative.

NOT PREGNANT.

Its still early- this I know… I KNOW... but as per usual I feel like my hopes are starting to be dashed.

Of course I’m incredibly tired and emotionally drained-- without seeing negative this morning..

I could really use some good news. At this point I will take any good news.

Starting with.. but not limited too..

"Rob got a job"

"PREGNANT"

_ _ <~~ Two pink lines (lol)

"You won the lottery"

"Your moving to the tropics!"

"You have the weekend off to lay on the beach- surprise!"

The list goes on and on you get the idea.

Maybe this weekend will reveal something good...

I suppose it goes without saying that right now I’m pretty down in the dumps... depressed and exhausting.

Next post Ill try to be more upbeat and positive..

No guarentees guys..

Flowers bloom the best after a little rain..

I just don't know about so much in our life right now…

First and foremost I had my 7 day post IUI blood work yesterday. My progesterone was 10.2 this cycle, which is up from 9.3 last cycle- but still not very high for a medicated cycle.

I feel like I should press this issue with my doctors as to why my progesterone still isn’t rising. But with so much else going on in our lives -continue reading for more on that in a moment- I have chosen to take a back seat for now and let what will be- be.

I'm happy with up. Up is better than down so I will take it. We won't know anything for certain for at least another week. So there's one thing I just don't know about. Add it to the growing pile of unknowns..

I am at 8 days post IUI. I tested yesterday and it was negative so the trigger is out. I don’t plan on testing again until 10 days post IUI- Thursday-… and even then that may not reveal anything it just may be too early.. Currently I feel emotionally drained and fatigued. Add it to that pile..

　

The other thing is - to make a very long- very private story short- Rob is no longer employed. Let that sink in for just a moment... For what its worth Im not sure its totally sunk in here either..

Pile overload..

He resigned from his position of 11 years yesterday after making a bad judgment call and being given the option to resign over being fired. People make mistakes and I am sad that they didn’t give him a second chance. I stand by him – I have made mistakes in my past as well...and I am positive I will make mistakes in my future- I am human.. Life will go on and move forward.

A friend wrote to us yesterday and said- "Man may not forgive your mistakes but God does."

I’m not what one would call super religious- but I do have strong faith. I pray often and I believe strongly. This quote really stuck with me yesterday. Maybe man didn’t give him a second chance- but I’m sure there is a reason for this—we are yet to see it, but we will in due time...this is one thing I can say I am sure of..

This is going to be a very difficult time while we navigate unknown waters and pray that our faith carries us through. I know that God has a plan and I know that there is a reason that silly things like this happen.

I have found a lot of strength in our wonderful support system of friends and family- and my husband- who did the right thing and admitted to making a bad judgment call- to making a mistake—when most people would have lied- and probably kept their jobs in doing so… my husband did what most would have not done- he told the truth. I respect that because it takes a strong man to own up to his mistakes.

I thank you all for your hugs and thoughtful messages. To say that I am stressed out is the understatement of the century. I am already hormonal and emotional—and stressed out--add this to it and I really could spend hours just crying. I won’t- but I really honestly could.

I know that all things happen for a reason and I know everything will workout. I know a year from now – I have no idea where we will be exactly- but we will look back at this and understand exactly why this happened..

I wasn't sure how Rob was going to feel about this cycle once we found out he was no longer employed. Lets be real- having only one income is not the most opportune time to become pregnant and start a family.. I know this.

I also know that God has a sense of humor and I have a feeling that this is going to be the cycle because we only have one income- you know that’s how things work out. You try for years to get pregnant- and BAM when your life is turned upside down- well ya know…

Rob called me right away and told me to switch our insurance over to my name so that our infertility treatments and medical care continue to be covered without issue.

Then when I found out my progesterone levels were up and told him - he held steadfast in continuing to hold out hope for this cycle.

I just don't know what we are going to do, where we are going, or what is going to happen- what I do know- and what is truly important.. is that our faith and friends and family will carry us through whatever is ahead of us.

Flowers bloom their best after a little rain..

I know we have no control over anything at this point. Rob is applying for work both near and far. I am working on breathing, sleeping, eating and working as much as I can.

So if your the praying type a simple prayer for strength for our family during this time

would be wonderful<3