On Wednesday afternoon I started to spot…just like I knew I was going too. I contacted my RN triage line and told them I was spotting. They STILL wanted me to come in for a Beta on Thursday, since it wasn’t yet "full flow." I refused and told her I really did not require another blood test to prove that I wasn’t pregnant. IUI 5 was officially a bust and I wasn’t going to have someone call and reiterate that to me again. I got it… it was crystal clear..
By Thursday it was full flow and I contacted the RN triage line yet again. This time I spoke to my favorite nurse –who I think is part angel and also was on the verge of tears while we were talking. She was so sweet and knew that Saturday’s are more difficult for me to come in on due to my schedule, so she arranged for my appointment for my Day 3 ultrasound and blood work to be today instead.
As soon as I walked in my favorite angel RN saw me and asked me to come into the private meeting room with her. I promptly burst into tears. I don’t know why really- I mean I am sad, but this is nothing new and not my first go round on the merry-go-round of failed cycles. I think it was her genuine concern for me and she told me when she was writing progress notes yesterday she screamed out in frustration for me. She hugged me while I sobbed- it shows true concern and care when you let someone snot up your shoulder and its not even 8am yet. I love her. I’m so thankful for her. If your reading this somehow Mary- you really are a saint.
I went for my blood work and the phlebotomist hugged me too. She said she was angry for me and angry with me. It felt good to acknowledge that I am angry. Mad at no one particular- but everyone and the universe all at once.
Mad at the baby bump that stood in front of me while I waited for coffee. Mad that I didn’t have a baby bump to gently caress. Mad at the rain and the wind that poured down. Mad at work. Mad at life. Just plain mad. I’m a mad girl today and I am frustrated and guess what- its okay for me to feel like that sometimes.
Then I went in for my ultra sound and Dr. S walked in. I was prepared for his typical "it’s going to work" speech. Instead I saw a different side of him. He was mad too and upset for me and also determined. He told me its okay to feel however I need to feel right now- but then I need to find some positivity and find some happy. My RN basically said the same thing. She told me to stay hopeful, stay positive, because being mad and sad and angry are all okay for now- but then I need to go to my happy place and find my positivity.
Last night I was driving home from work- it was pouring. The kind of rain where no matter how fast the windshield wipers go you still can’t see through the rain. The fog was rising off the street and it was dark and the air was brisk. It was eerie and windy and tree limbs were down everywhere. And I realized that the picture before me is exactly how I felt inside too. Stormy and mad and angry and I want to break things and knock down tree limbs- but then the sun is going to rise again… it hasn’t risen here in South Jersey yet- were in the middle of a 5 day nor’easter and I’m hopeful my stormy mood lifts before the actual storms that are hitting us here end.
I prayed and I cried on my way home. I prayed for my husband to find his hope and his happy again. He’s so down in the dumps and defeated. He needs something to come through- something to go our way for a change. I prayed for our leaky ceiling- that we find the source of the leak and that it stops raining in my bathroom (any leak experts reading?? Lol). I prayed for all of my friends here that are struggling- those with embryos that need a boost, those who have just gone through losses, those struggling with their losses, those whose cycles ended, those whose cycles never began… all those waiting and waiting and waiting.. . I prayed for all of you. I know that you all often pull and pray for me too. I prayed that this cycle brings us closer to being parents and I cried – ugly cried- that we deserve to be parents -that our parents do deserve to be grandparents. Damint universe let us all show you!! Then I prayed for my in law’s health and my parent’s health- that they can all stay well enough to be grandparents. That they can weather this storm however long its going to take. I prayed for strength and wisdom and I prayed for comfort.
Then I ugly cried the rest of the way home- wiping tears away as they slid down my cheeks mimicking my windshield wipers as they tirelessly cleared my windshield for me. It wasn’t pretty- my eyes still feel puffy and raw.. But it was effective. I put it all out there. I feel raw (and puffy lol).. I feel open and refreshed.. I feel renewed..
I felt a bit better this morning other than the ugly crying in the doctors office, but that was brought on by half being happy that so many people care for me and half being angry and sad still. I haven’t found my happy just yet. I know it’s out there though.
Today’s ultra sound reveals- my lining is 7mm, my left ovary has 8 follicles under 10mm and my right ovary has 10 under 10mm. The biggest releif is that I am cyst free!
My period really hasn’t been as awful as I anticipated (this isn’t a challenge mother nature!). I really thought it was going to be much worse so I am thankful for that.
I will start Menopur at 225 IU tonight with my Dexamethasone .25 daily. As I already knew this will be my last Menopur cycle before a break and consult for other options…opinions.. and maybe other doctors. My husband and I have agreed to go to the consult with this practice and see what their next steps are because it is close, in network, and we do have a bond with some of the people there. After that consult (if we come to that) we will then decide together what our next steps will be..
I am not going to think about any of that right now because I’m practicing internally chanting –"6th times the charm!!!!6th time is the FREAKING CHARM!!!!" – Over and over and over until I really believe it- until ever fiber of my being believes it, because really there is nothing wrong with believing it..
The worst that happens is the 6th times not the really the charm and there is something else out there that will be the charm – something else that is meant to be—someone else’s path that we have yet to have crossed… until the 6th time ISNT the charm then in my mind it IS. It will be… I will lose my voice chanting it and I will repeat it until I do believe it..
I return on Monday to check on things. I also have my annual well appointment with my ob/gyn on Monday.
Yay- Happy Columbus Day! Two doctor’s appointments in a row where I get to take off my pantalones.
Okay off to find my happy. How do you find your happy when its gloomy outside and you feel uber gloomy inside too?
Anyone got a corny joke to share?
I really truly hope that wherever you are or whatever you are going through you have found your happy too and that the sun is shining in your neck of the woods.