Tuesday, October 15, 2013

100%

I just want to take a moment and let all of my friends, family, and blog friends know that not only today, but everyday I think of you. I will be lighting my candles and saying some prayers for each and every one of you.

Today- October 15th – is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. The month of October is widely known for Breast Cancer Awareness- which is certainly super important- but little mention is made that it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. If you have ever been affected by a loss my heart goes out to you- not just today, or this month, but every day. You are always in my thoughts and I am always praying for your comfort, your strength, and you inner peace.






My husband and I have been having a tumultuous journey this year. 2013 has not been nice to us so far. Things have been so very far from easy. If you were to picture us canoeing as a team down the river- passing by the beautiful trees, hitting their peak of color change here in the North East, or watching the birds and nature around us - but instead we can’t focus on the beauty that surrounds us because we are attempting to traverse the white water rapids that are directly in front of us. We’re getting good at traversing the rough waters though and we are starting to be able to look around just enough to realize that despite the hard stuff that we are going through- there is still all that beauty around us. It doesn’t go away just because we are not looking at it. Sometimes you have to remind one another to look up and take it in.

When we got married my Pastor said that many couples will tell us during our marriage that we need to have a 50/50 relationship. Give and get. But, he didn’t want us to look at our marriage like that. Pastor Murray wanted us to always remember that no matter what our marriage is a 100% commitment- always. Not just when it’s easy to give all of yourself. Not just when you’re passing through the river and looking at the beauty, but give 100% when you’re falling out of the canoe and sucking in the water too. That’s what I am trying to embody during all of this stuff that is trying to beat us down. 100%... always.

My husband was let go from his job in June- he interviewed that week for a new job- and just this past week they have told my husband that they are not interested in him. They have drug him on for the passed four month. They built his hopes up and t hen they just knocked him down. It’s a big blow to his self esteem. I think the wind is knocked out of his sails and I can completely understand feeling like this uphill battle just keeps getting steeper. He needs me now more than ever before. He needs 100% because frankly 50% just won’t suffice.

It’s been hard on us financially too, but that’s not the only backlash of him not having full time employment. Since he lost his job I have had to take the insurance over in my name. Once we switched the insurance I started receiving bills for deductible after deductible totaling over $5000 dollars in just four months. I have been fighting for the benefits that we are suppose to have and am happy to report that I believe that battle is over- but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t drained us any less.

During these four months we have had three more failed IUI’s plus a natural cycle that failed as well. I don’t have to explain to you all what that can do to a persons spirit. I confront how I feel here often, but my husband doesn’t share our journey with anyone really- he holds onto it all and I know that it has him down as well.

During Hurricane Irene, which was two years ago-we had a leak in our home which caused water damage- and then mold damage – our walls were ripped out, our floors, our ceilings- it was six months of destruction and then finally our home was fixed – or so we thought. We flooded again after Super Storm Sandy. More water damage. More repairs. More stress. Even more heartache.

Well guess what- after all of that this week our area was struck by a Nor’easter and wham our roof is leaking again. Repairs are expected to be between $1500-$3000 dollars and take an unknown amount of time… and that is before they rip the floors apart again and we get a new sliding glass door….

This is just the tip of the tough stuff we have been dealing with. This week I took some time to go through our wedding pictures and remind myself of our sermon. Remind myself of our promises to one another- remind myself to give 100% and cheer Rob on despite the raging waters. Despite all the heartache and the pain, and despite the leaky ceilings and water damage we have to just keep cheering, keep the faith, keep praying and keep rowing our canoe down the river despite missing paddles or rapids that try to overthrow us.

Together- and only together- will we be able to overcome all the bad.

Yesterday it was "take your pants off Monday.." aka Columbus Day..

I went to the RE and will continue forward with 225 IU Menopur and .25 Dex daily and be seen again on Wednesday morning. I had a 4mm lining- but I was still bleeding so the real check will be my next ultrasound when, hopefully I am no longer bleeding. Right ovary had 11, 9, and 8 mm follicles –which were really good since last cycle is took almost a week to get me to 10mm so this cycle is already showing more promise. The left ovary had all less than 10mm and nothing that they measured. I’m continuing to pray that the 6th cycle is the charm, and not think one iota about any other cycles. I’m putting my faith in this one and only when it doesn’t turn out will I turn my focus towards the future.

I also went to my ob/gyn for my annual wellness visit. These visits are always a major stressor for me since this marks my anniversary of bad pap smears and cancer scares. This also marks 3 years of us TTC. It’s amazing how 3 years can feel simultaneously so very long and yet so very fast at the same time. This appointment last year was when we began our testing for our RE. My ob/gyn was very sweet. His wife and he underwent many years of trying- 9 to be exact- which took my breath away as he shared his story. He didn’t become a father until he was into his 50’s and his wife was 42 and then 47 for their children. He told me to never lose the faith. I’m glad he shared that with me.

After two appointments in a row of removing my pants I went to PT when I walked in and wanted to take my pants off.. But refrained. PT is going well and my neck is feeling better every single day. I’m hopeful that after a few more weeks I will be all better. Since I am going through 3 times a wekk PT I am not doing accupuncture this cycle. It is just added stress to try to work that into an already tight schedule. Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes, I truly am feeling much better.

I guess the lesson I really want to leave you with today is to give 100% of yourself in your marriage. Stop thinking of it like a 50/50 deal and a barter system and put all of your love and strength into it. Some days I do want to break down and not be strong, but I know that’s not going to help anything. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t looking forward towards the new year- and hopefully new beginnings and happier times- but at the same time I have to remember to look up and around at all the beauty and blessings that surround us daily.

Hope you can take a moment out today to look around at the beauty and count the blessings in your life.. Take a moment to pray for those that are remembering those who have gone too soon and light a candle in remembrance tonight. Take a moment to pray for your spouses- that no matter what the struggle is your going to get through it together as a team..

Life wasn’t meant to be easy- it was meant to be a journey.. Bumps and all..

14 comments:

  1. Goodness girl! You have been through so much but I know the Lord is carrying you every step of the way. I'm sorry to hear about your husbands job - but I couldn't agree more. Marriage is about what we can give, not what we can get - we should each give selfishly 100%!! Praying for energy for you to do that during this time. I'm curious to hear about your pap scare as I have dealt/am dealing with that now!

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    1. I've been praying now more than I ever have in my life. If anything this has taught me to strengthen my faith!

      In 2011 I went in for normal pap- it was found to have abnormal cells so they brought me back in for a second one. This one was also abnormal and pathology read it was "cancerous cells" - talk about scariest phone call ever! Cervical cancer is a huge risk factor- many women in my family have had it and I was sick with fear. I had a colposcopy a cervical biospy..which revealed I did not have cancer or anymore abnormal cells. I had more pap smears- every 3 months due to the high risk factor and an additional colposcopy which resulted in an area of abnormal cells being removed- at that time- none of the results were cancerous just abnormals.. this went on for an entire year until September of 2012 when I finally received a normal pap smear result. All in all it was scary, but the tests and procedures were not that bad. Hoping yours is an easy fix and your follow up pap is normal!!

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    2. girl!!! ahh! So I had an abnormal one as well - they did the colposcopy back in April (worst thing ever) That came back with pre cancerous cells so now I go every 6 months (which is next week again) to see how this pap comes back! So sorry you had to go through this, but so glad to find someone who knows what I'm talking bout! So glad that your got a normal one, yay for that!!!

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    3. I did not like the colposcopy very much at all!! Im sorry you did not have a clear one yet! Let me know how you make out I know how stressful it all can be! Praying for you Caroline!!

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  2. Kasey, I just love this:

    "Pastor Murray wanted us to always remember that no matter what our marriage is a 100% commitment- always. Not just when it’s easy to give all of yourself. Not just when you’re passing through the river and looking at the beauty, but give 100% when you’re falling out of the canoe and sucking in the water too. "

    That is a beautiful and true sentiment, and I thank you for reminding me of it. You are being challenged, girl. You and your husband. But through it you maintain a positive attitude and I really admire that. We're all pulling for you and I know you'll surmount your challenges.

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    1. Aww thank you so much! I have my moments, but I really try to maintain positivity and Im so glad you guys can see that! Thanks for pulling for us! I can't wait to share some happy stuff because I know in time its coming <3

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  3. Absolutely love the analogy of this journey and traveling through the rapids. That is really going to stick in my head....stopping to notice the beauty that surrounds us even in the rough patches. It's so important! Thank you for this post!

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    1. Aww thank you Emily! Its so hard to stop and look at the beauty and blessings when were stuck in the rough patches, but I really do think there is beauty to be found and a blessing to be counted in everything, we just have to look for it<3

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  4. Wise words. It sounds like you and your husband have a wonderful partnership and you are giving 100% and then some. And those follicles sound very hopeful! Fingers crossed for this cycle, and that your husband finds fulfilling work soon.

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  5. That is such a wonderful message Kasey. Thank you. Yes we need to give 100% - "give and take" is OK as long as life is easy, but when it's not then you have to give everything to each other. I hope the new year brings good things for you - heck, the next few months too!

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  6. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on marriage and commitment through all the hard times. It's wonderful to hear that you are getting some relief from the neck pain and I hope more good things are coming your way. - Marcy

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    1. Thank you Marcy I think getting through the hard times make the good times so much better!

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