Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Its okay to not be okay...

If you follow me you know that we recently lost a friend and a coworker.

The saying that everyone has been tossing around as us all is: "Its okay to not be okay." 

What does that even mean though? 

"Its okay to not be okay."

Is it really okay to say your not okay

Its okay to not be okay.. 

Weird- the world is shouting at me that I need to be okay all the time. That I need to be strong and that its wrong to cry and that my head needs to be up and forwards.. and .. and .. and.. 

That would mean its okay for me to say I am sad. Its okay for me to say that losing a friend and a coworker is heart breaking...and my heart is broken. That would mean its okay for me to say that every time the tones drop at work that I get a shiver down to my core that I could possibly be confronted with working on some one I know- a friend- a coworker. Its always worse when you have a personal connection to someone..

And while we say all these things and all these feelings are okay and normal to have, what exactly happens when we admit it? What happens when I am the only one that admits it? 

No one wants to be the only one

Much like trying to conceive. You reach a certain age and everyone is getting married and trying to have babies. Pretty soon most of your friends become mothers, but some are still struggling with you, and then next thing you know your the only one left in the trenches and you feel alone. Excluded from a special exclusive club, one that you don't have the qualifications to be admitted to. Its not your friends fault- its not your fault either- it just is.

No one wants to be the only one left. No one wants to be the person to admit that they really aren't okay. Everyone is always taught to be strong and faithful and don't show their fears. Somehow its wrong to admit when things aren't okay, but then everyone is telling me its okay to not be okay? 

Can you see the source of all the confusion.... 

I will admit it- on many levels I am not okay. I'm struggling with the loss of a friend and a coworker. I'm struggling with the fact that tomorrow really isn't guaranteed. That anyone can be taken from you in just a blink of the eye. 

I'm scared that I am going to be the only one of my friends to not be a Mom. That I'm never going to be admitted to the exclusive club.

I'm mad that good people die and that bad things happen and that women who would make wonderful Mommy's don't get to have that right while women who hurt their babies and are awful do.. 

Such an unjust world..

I'm dealing with a sense of loss. Loss of a friend and coworker. Loss of having control over my future. Loss of feeling alone and excluded..

I'm scared that I can't guarantee tomorrow.  I can't say for sure that I am going to wake up tomorrow morning- no one can. But, what if I never wake up and get to be a Mom. 

So many what ifs. And apparently its okay to have these thoughts. Or so I'm being told so lately.. They are morbid and awful and the loss of a friend makes them cross your mind. But what happens when you speak them out loud?

Is it really okay to say out loud I'm not okay? Its not all roses and sunshine over here. I do my very best to stay up beat, hopeful, and keep a sense of humor- but what happens when you can't find that?. What happens when your just not okay? 

According to everyone around me its okay to not be okay.  

So here I am folks- shouting that I'm not okay. 

I think its difficult to remain hopeful all the time and that is partly because Facebookville shouts of all things positive. Its filled with pregnancy announcements, pictures of sunrises, bouncing bundles of new born baby joy, people enjoying glorious vacations in the sunshine, people checking into all the places they are shopping for the day, and shouting that everyone is living this happy-go-lucky stress free life.

Its not a true depiction of everyone's lives though. People don't post when they are struggling because they are afraid to admit that they are not okay. Its especially difficult to post our downfalls when everyone else out there is posting all the butterflies and roses. 

People don't post when their struggling to pay the bills, because it would be admitting that things aren't are unicorn kisses. People are always posting their positive pregnancy tests, but when is the last time you saw a big ol' negative posted for the world to see? No one wants to see the negativity- but its there. Everyone is dealing with it. 

Everyone is not okay. 

Everyone is struggling with something. 

Its just no one wants to be alone. No body wants to admit it. No one wants to be the sole person to say- I'm not okay. No one wants to say that their in the trenches, but maybe if more people admitted they were struggling- then we wouldn't feel as thought we are in the trenches all alone. 

Maybe if we posted more about the bad stuff that we are dealing with - the real life battles we are all facing- then others wouldn't be so afraid to say- "Im not okay.." 

I'm not saying you need to get on your Facebook feeds and be Negative Nancy 24/7- I'm just saying people need to be more real. If your gonna post the good, happy and smiley moments don't forget to include the struggles.

Let people know that while you have the happy you had to overcome the bad.. 

I honestly think its the struggles that really do define us- overcoming the bad, moving forward after the loss of a friend, not being fertile myrtle.. its overcoming that stuff that makes us who we are. The scars and the old wounds they are what makes us who we are in the future. So why not say, "Today I'm not okay.." 

Why not let someone else know they aren't alone in what they are feeling? 

For what its worth- I'm not okay.. at least not today..and I know I'm not alone.

So if your not okay today- your not alone and it is okay..


  1. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend Kasey. We recently lost a dear coworker in a very tragic way too. You're right, it is ok to not always be ok. Hang in there. It's ok to feel the sadness, both about your friend, and about your fertility struggles. Sending prayer for peace and comfort for you!

    1. Thanks Kristine Im sad, but I am okay.. and your right its okay to feel that sadness.

  2. It's definitely ok to wear your heart on your sleeve and just be vulnerable. What's really ironic is that so many people try to hide the things going wrong in their lives, yet once they truly open up about their struggles, others will inevitably respect and appreciate them more as humans. There is no sense going through life like it's one big "look at me and all the great things in my life" charade. Sure, stay positive whenever possible, but if something is hurting you, I say let it out!

    1. I completely agree! Its so important to let it out sometimes!

  3. Thinking about you Kasey!! I think it's great that you are so open and vulnerable. And you are so right, not everyone on FB shouts out that they have been struggling to conceive for years, or having a hard time in their marriage, etc! Thank you for your willingness to share and to be REAL!

    1. Thanks Caroline sometimes vulnerable is a long lost concept. Sometimes you don't need to shout to be heard either... a soft whisper can go a far way.

  4. I'm abiding with you as your mourn the loss of your friend and deal with all the uncertainty that infertility brings.


  5. I hear you on this Kasey, I try my best to be transparent but not intimate with the details of my life. You are right everyone is struggling with something my pastor once said you are one of three things going into a storm, in a storm, or coming out of a storm. So there is always something to deal with. One thing I have to say is that social media is definitely like movie highlight reel, they show only the best things and the negative ones are tucked away. I for one keep most of that negative things pinned down to share with God and that's because I've been an open book before and I was hurt in the process. I pray for you that God would ease your heart, and give you peace of mind. You ask the same questions we all have and unfortunately or maybe fortunately our futures are a completely mystery forcing us to trust in God wholeheartedly. I too am afraid of what my future holds but I am praying that whatever God decides he helps me to love it as I live it. Thinking of you friend. Oh and you totally made me think of this post I wrote a few months ago. http://www.thewordofanerd.com/2013/07/shame.html?m=1

    1. I absolutely love every single bit of this reply. Thank you Charity!!

  6. Thanks for reminding us all that life isn't perfect and there's no shame in admitting it. But I also hope good things are coming soon.

  7. I am so sorry about your friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers during this especially difficult time.
    I love the point you make in this post. I think I am okay today, but yesterday I definitely was not! I also get fearful at times (a lot of the time) of never having a baby, of being the only one left, and I hate it! It is the worst feeling.
    Thank you for this post. It is so nice to hear that we aren't the only ones feeling this way or that.

    1. Thank you so much. Some days are good and some days are bad- big hugs right back to ya!

  8. You are not alone.

    I lost my closest friend to a car accident nearly five years ago and I'm still not entirely okay.

    I'm a lot better than I was, but there's still a lot of pain there.

    I'll never be the person I was before this experience. It does change you.

    At the same time, it will start to get better. But no one else can tell you how long that will take.

    1. Im so sorry to hear that. I don't think the pain of loss ever truly goes away it just changes us and we move forward as different people .

  9. I'm so sorry you are hurting and grieving your friend. I can relate to so many things you wrote and while I realize it's normal to feel some lows and struggle, my illogical side feels guilty when I can't just snap myself out of it (and be happy all the time like social media suggests). Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is really tough. Hope you are finding comfort and that each day brings you closer to becoming a mom.

    1. Sometimes we can't just snap out of it- it is tought to come to the realization. Thank you!

  10. Oh so very true! Thank you so much for posting this.

  11. Yes, yes, yes. I've thought many of the same things. So unfair. I hope someday I'll be able to comprehend some of the craziness in this world.

  12. I don't think Ill ever be able to comprehend this crazy world. Hopefully it will me sense someday.

  13. I love this post. I am so, so, sorry for the loss of your friend and coworker. But at the same time, I love your pledge, your mantra that it's ok to not be ok, and that if only more people were open with their bad days, their struggles, instead of only posting/sharing the good stuff on FaceBook, the world would be a much less lonely place. I agree with you that everyone is struggling with something, but it is so hard when it seems that the world is full of wishes fulfilled and the life you thought you'd have. Everyone, I think, is missing something. Thanks for the reminder! I wish you peace as you mourn and remember your friend.

  14. One of my friends always says that the worst part about Facebook is that it gets us to compare our everyday lives to everyone else's "highlight reels." I think that's so true.

    So sorry for the loss of your friend and your fertility. I am just so, so sorry.