Friday, October 25, 2013

Fears Fueling Faith

This week has left me utterly terrified. 
 
I have seen friends miscarry this week, I have seen friends suffer from Pprom this week, I have seen failed IUI's, failed IVF's, pre-term labors and sick babies. 

This week has not been good to many in the IF community. I can only hope to keep the faith and keep praying for some miracles for so many. 

My prayers are extended to anyone else suffering this week, no matter what it is that is bringing you down - I hope that you find something to help lift you up. 

I am terrified because I watch these women battle for their pregnancies - to even achieve a pregnancy- and then watch as they lose their precious miracles. Not that it isn't as horrible when you haven't struggled to become pregnant and suffer from a tragedy.. its just that it hits home. It scares me. Why is this so common? Will I ever be able to be pregnant in the first place and then once I am pregnant (I still believe this is going to happen for us eventually- I refuse to let me self think otherwise ) will I ever be able to feel comfortable in celebrating my pregnancy without the fear of more loss at the back of my mind? I am just filled with so much fear and I guess I truly won't have the answers to those questions until I am faced with them directly. 

This has been a difficult week for me for other reasons other that being in the midst of a two week wait and watching tragedy unravel around me. This week my Great Aunt was placed on hospice care and given little time to live. I don't know if its easier or harder knowing that someone is going to die. It so difficult to hold a vigilance over them. So hard to come up with the right words to say to someone who knows they are dieing. So hard to be there and be present.. it weighs so very heavy on my heart.. 
 
I am doing my best to push my fears and sadness aside and push my faith to the forefront. I know that when my Aunt Sis dies she will be going home to the Lord. That she will be with her Sister (my Gram) and her brother as well as her husband who has passed before her. She say's she sees them now- and though the doctors say she's hallucinating I am holding faith that she is closer to them now more than ever. I miss my Gram so much and part of me is even jealous that Aunt Sis is going to see her soon. 

Some say that with death brings forth life. I can only hold onto hope that this is true. That with us losing my Aunt Sis a new life can be brought forth and bless our family. I hope and pray that the new life is one that I get to carry..


I did just return from my RE for my day 7 (but really day 6) post IUI progesterone check and ultrasound. 

I won't get my progesterone results unless I call in this afternoon, and honestly if there is anything wrong that something can actually be done about they will call me anyway. I think I am just going to let it be. Why stress myself out over something I have very little control over. Since ovulation was confirmed and I am taking my progesterone religiously twice a day I have no reason to fret that there is something wrong.

My ultrasound revealed that I did release multiple follicles from the right ovary and one from the left ovary. Both ovaries are pretty very enlarged at 15 x 16 cm each. I knew this was coming since I have had a lot of pain and discomfort. I'm officially on lifting and moving restrictions until they go down. I have larger then normal ovaries to begin with due to PCOS - add in ovulation drugs and multiple follicles and its the perfect recipe for large ovaries. The main worry is an ovarian torsion. I will be playing is extra careful and am hopeful that they will go down during the week.

My uterus has an 8mm lining and was Trilaminar. They were hoping to see my lining over 10mm, but 8mm isn't awful so no need to worry myself there either, especially since it was Trilaminar- meaning there was good blood flow and a good play for a little embryo to implant.

All in all things look good. They told me that I can come in next Friday (13 days post IUI) for my Beta. Either someone didn't read that I had my IUI on a Saturday or they are having mercy and decreasing my wait time. I'm also advised not to lift, twist, or push on my lower abdominal area.

Normally I have to wait the two weeks plus a day- that would land me on a Sunday and I would end up having to wait until Monday- aka 16 days post IUI and adding more days to the torture- for my initial Beta. 

I'm excited to get to next Friday. I'm excited to know if this cycle is our cycle. But, I'm also terrified. Part of me wishes I wasn't privy to all the things that could go so very wrong even after you receive that BFP. The other part of me is scared to death that this IUI didn't work and we are going to be moving forward into yet another treatment plan. 

For now I am just patiently waiting. Practicing deep breathing and praying. Hoping and praying that its our turn.

I continue to pray for many of you that are suffering right now- whether its due to loss, tragic medical issues, in the midst of two week waits, praying for embryo's or IVF's and transfers- my heart goes out to all. 

I hope that this coming week brings some good news to this community and I truly hope some miracles are witnessed by all. 

18 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry it's been such a tough week. I know exactly what you mean about sometimes wishing you didn't know about all the terrible things that happen after a BFP, especially when it's so hard for us to even get the BFP. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel that joy when it comes and try not to live in the terror. I'll be thinking of you and your great aunt - hoping you both find peace.

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    1. Thank you! I'm so hoping for peace this coming week!

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  2. I'm so sorry about your aunt! This week has been awful for a lot of people. I will be praying for you this week!

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    1. I know she will finally be at peace and well when she passes.. that doesn't make losing her from our world any easier. Thanks for praying!

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  3. I hope your great aunt has a peaceful passing. Even if seeing your loved ones is a hallucination, what a wonderful welcome to the other side. I wish I had some peace to give you and everyone else.

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    1. Me too Anne.. hoping the next week brings much more happy news than sad. I had a dream about my grandparents too which is unusual!

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  4. So sorry to hear about your aunt. Wishing you both peace in the coming days.

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    1. Thank you she is still hanging in..as are we all

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  5. I hope that things will start looking more brightly very soon. Sorry about your great aunt. It's so tough to see our loved ones suffer. I am hoping with you for a great result next week. Big hugs for a difficult week.

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  6. Lots of hard news, but trusting that Lord can and will redeem these situations! Excited to hear how your results came back!

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    1. Me too! I really hope this is the one!

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  7. *Big hugs* It's difficult being involved in the infertility community and knowing so much information - knowing what can go wrong. It's definitely a scary thing. Even I had a high risk pregnancy and had to be induced early, not to mention all of my previous losses. But what came out of it all was the most beautiful, amazing miracle. I don't regret one single thing. My heart hurts for those suffering.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your Aunt! Sending up prayers for you and your family.

    Wishing you the very best of luck this cycle!!!!! Sorry I have not been around lately.

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    1. My heart hurts too! Your miracle is so precious! Im sure you have your hands full and your little miracle so no worries! Thanks for thinking of me!

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  8. Kasey you are amazing. Sending prayers your way that this cycle is successful. We are here to cheer you on! I'm so sorry about your great aunt. Thinking about your family during all this. Big hugs. Happy ICLW!

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    1. Thank you Risa! Im praying for you guys and your cycle! Always thinking of you!

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  9. Thinking about you this week! Praying that this IUI works.

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