Tuesday, July 9, 2013

A Negative Beta and An Apology

Not as any surprise whatsoever my beta is officially negative. 

I will have an appointment at my doctors on Friday with the APN that I really like and we will go from there. Since I really didn't have my hopes up to high to begin with the let down is a little easier this go around. 

Still sucks. My heart still hurts and to hear the nurse say that is official still feels like a kick in the stomach.

Telling Rob that I'm not pregnant will never get easier. Each time it hurts a little more. Each time I feel like I am letting him down. Like I'm failing my womanly duties and not holding up my end of the bargain. 

He doesn't make me feel that way of course. He's nothing but supportive and holds me up when I feel like I can't stand on my own. 

Today I was fine. Until I wasn't.

Today I need Rob to just hold me up for a little bit.

Today I need to cry. 

You see when I first started to write here it really was just to vent out all my emotions and feelings and get some feed back from anyone who found themselves in a similar journey. To have some support and guidance.. and maybe along the way make a few friends. 

I never thought in my wildest dreams that people would actually read what I wrote. I never thought what I wrote could hurt someones feelings if they stumbled upon it. 

I haven't thought twice about just unleashing my feelings and emotions when I feel them. Today I realize that people are reading. I can hurt people with my feelings and some things are better off left unsaid, left unwritten and left un-thought.

I never in my life want to feel like I feel right now. I never want to use my words and feelings to hurt someone else. 

I have never intended to do that. Never set out to do that. And promise from this moment forward to think about all that I may affect before I write and spew forth my emotions.

So here is my public apology if I have hurt you or said something that may have been taken the wrong way. 

Please come to me. Please let me know so I can set it straight. Please understand I'm just coming from a place of vulnerability. A place of fear. 

Please know that I never meant anything by any of my words other than venting whats in my head and heart to a blank sheet of paper to help me sort through the emotions and feelings that are bubbling over.

I could not be happier for my pregnant friends. Truly and honestly. I love bellies and babies- that is why I want my own so very badly. So badly it hurts. I want nothing more than your babies to be happy and healthy and beautiful. I can not wait to hold them all in my arms and inhale that baby smell. 

I hope that if the Lord doesn't bless us with children of our very own that I can baby sit yours and hold them close to my heart as nieces and nephews. To be able to share the love I have pent up with your babies as if they really were related to me.

My sadness and jealousy that I can not be pregnant with you overwhelms me. That is the gods honest truth, but it doesn't take away how happy I am for you all. 

So if I have come across as angry or bitter- please know that is not my intent. I will attempt to do a better job of not being sad and bitter, but its just the emotions that come along with the struggle. They are never directed at you and if you have felt that way I truly hope you understand I never intended for that. Ever.

So here is my public apology. My heart is overwhelmed with so many emotions- but most of all I am sorry if I hurt you with my words.. I hope to never do so again.


  1. Oh Kasey, my heart hurts for you. Even though you figured that you were out this cycle, it still sucks. I'm so sorry.

    I struggle with the same feelings of sadness and bitterness. I'm jealous of my friends who are pregnant or have kids. It doesn't mean I'm not happy for them, it just hurts that it doesn't seem to be happening for me. I just want you to know that you are so not alone in those feelings. Sending you a hug! Keep writing here, it's your safe place to try to figure out your feelings.

    Hang in there, I know how much this all sucks. I have to believe that one day it will be better! For both of us.


    1. Thanks Kristine... I can't wait for the better days. Thanks for giving a shoulder. Hurting people is not something I ever want to do.. And apparently inadvertently I have. I'm gonna focus more of positive things and less of the negative feelings.

  2. Goodness, thinking about you!!!! Looking forward to following more of your journey!

    1. Thanks :) Looking forward to following yours as well!

  3. Sorry to hear the negative cycle confirmed. One can be more or less prepared but never totally prepared. Hope the news gets better soon!
    Anyway, re: offending people I haven't read much of your blog, but speaking for myself at least I've yet to read anything from the ALI community that offended me. Although I don't offend particularly easily anyway. But I would hazard that most people understand where another blogger is coming from, even if she is in a different place. I know I'm not bitter and angry all the time, but some days? Hell yah. So I get that, even if I'm not necessarily sharing the emotion in the moment. Of course it's always possible to take self-expression too far, but in general I would prefer people to be truthful about what they are thinking and feeling because I think that's more helpful (and interesting).

    As for people reading who are not IF, well, yah maybe they could be offended by something they read on someone's blog....but on the other hand they can also find lots of other info online to help understand our perspective. I keep a list of "helpful links" on the menu of my blog that any random readers can access if they want to know more about the things I am writing about. If they can't be bothered to do that, I can't be really bothered by their opinions.

    I don't know if that's helpful, but I do hope you don't lose any sleep over it! xo

    1. I think what hurt my friends was a conversation I wrote up and it wasn't the exact conversation but how I felt the conversation took place in my over emotional mind. I think when I voiced my opinions in the open about not liking baby showers they thought I was saying I wasn't happy for them. I don't know I use my blog to release my emotion and all the jumbled up thoughts - it's my therapy. Somedays are good days and some are bad. Thanks for your insight :)

  4. Hi Kasey,

    I found a link to your blog on one of the online message boards I frequent and I wanted to say hello. My name is Nikki, I'm 32 years old and live in Maryland with my husband Brian. We also suffer from infertility and we've been going to Shady Grove Fertility Center (not sure if you have those where you live?) - we are hoping to attempt our first IUI in the next few weeks. Like you, I'm also a 911 dispatcher... I just started my 13th year back in April. The area that I live in does not have paid fire department, it is an all volunteer system, so I volunteer as a Paramedic. I'd love to get to know you better. If you have a chance, e-mail me sometime: life911saver@yahoo.com

    Hope to hear from you!

    1. Hi Nikki! We dont have Shady Grove here but I have hear of them. I will definitely email you soon! Thanks for stopping by and reaching out :)