A Negative Beta and An Apology

Not as any surprise whatsoever my beta is officially negative. 

I will have an appointment at my doctors on Friday with the APN that I really like and we will go from there. Since I really didn't have my hopes up to high to begin with the let down is a little easier this go around. 

Still sucks. My heart still hurts and to hear the nurse say that is official still feels like a kick in the stomach.

Telling Rob that I'm not pregnant will never get easier. Each time it hurts a little more. Each time I feel like I am letting him down. Like I'm failing my womanly duties and not holding up my end of the bargain. 

He doesn't make me feel that way of course. He's nothing but supportive and holds me up when I feel like I can't stand on my own. 

Today I was fine. Until I wasn't.

Today I need Rob to just hold me up for a little bit.

Today I need to cry. 




You see when I first started to write here it really was just to vent out all my emotions and feelings and get some feed back from anyone who found themselves in a similar journey. To have some support and guidance.. and maybe along the way make a few friends. 

I never thought in my wildest dreams that people would actually read what I wrote. I never thought what I wrote could hurt someones feelings if they stumbled upon it. 

I haven't thought twice about just unleashing my feelings and emotions when I feel them. Today I realize that people are reading. I can hurt people with my feelings and some things are better off left unsaid, left unwritten and left un-thought.

I never in my life want to feel like I feel right now. I never want to use my words and feelings to hurt someone else. 

I have never intended to do that. Never set out to do that. And promise from this moment forward to think about all that I may affect before I write and spew forth my emotions.

So here is my public apology if I have hurt you or said something that may have been taken the wrong way. 

Please come to me. Please let me know so I can set it straight. Please understand I'm just coming from a place of vulnerability. A place of fear. 

Please know that I never meant anything by any of my words other than venting whats in my head and heart to a blank sheet of paper to help me sort through the emotions and feelings that are bubbling over.

I could not be happier for my pregnant friends. Truly and honestly. I love bellies and babies- that is why I want my own so very badly. So badly it hurts. I want nothing more than your babies to be happy and healthy and beautiful. I can not wait to hold them all in my arms and inhale that baby smell. 

I hope that if the Lord doesn't bless us with children of our very own that I can baby sit yours and hold them close to my heart as nieces and nephews. To be able to share the love I have pent up with your babies as if they really were related to me.

My sadness and jealousy that I can not be pregnant with you overwhelms me. That is the gods honest truth, but it doesn't take away how happy I am for you all. 

So if I have come across as angry or bitter- please know that is not my intent. I will attempt to do a better job of not being sad and bitter, but its just the emotions that come along with the struggle. They are never directed at you and if you have felt that way I truly hope you understand I never intended for that. Ever.

So here is my public apology. My heart is overwhelmed with so many emotions- but most of all I am sorry if I hurt you with my words.. I hope to never do so again.