I recently read a post where someone free wrote for five minutes. The jist is to just write whatever you are thinking about for five minutes. You don't go back. You don't edit. You just write.
Well- I need some therapy and so..
Today was a bizarre day where I saw someone who I haven't seen in a very long time. She used to make my heart hurt when I saw her because someone I was dating cheated on me with her. Seeing her would stir emotions of being unwanted and the emotional pain of being cheated on. In the years since I have last seen her I now realize that if it wasn't for that incident I may still be with the wrong person. That one event that I thought was quiet possibly the worst moment of my life... so bad that I didn't know if I would make it through- was a major defining moment in my future. I didn't know it at the time. At the time I was 19 and I swore that having no tomorrow would be better than living without the man I thought I was suppose to be with. Now I know that without that incident I would not be with Rob. Today when I saw this girl I actually was greatful for her. I was actually happy to see her. When she gave me a hug I can honestly say it was good to see her. Then I realized I was greatful for her. Without her I wouldn't have Rob. My Rob. Rob who is currently texting me and asking me if I am okay with hot dogs and beans for dinner. My Rob who will have a glass of wine waiting for me- chilled and in my favorite glass. My Rob who has been taking care of my garden and is getting excited over all the tomatoes we have. My Rob who still manages to give me butterflies when he looks at me with a smile that speaks more than words ever will. My Rob my perfect mate. My perfect puzzle peice.
If it wasn't for that god awful time in my life when I was 19 and I was crying so hard that I can still remember the feeling of having no air left in my lungs. Crying so hard that I scared my best friend into thinking I was going to hurt myself- so instead she sat on my bed, braided my hair and held me until I finally fell asleep. That god awful time where I thought life as I knew it was over... was really a begining.
A begining of a future that I know now. Seeing her and thinking about all this reminded me that even though I'm going through so much to get to my future. Even though I feel like I am in a fresh hell that I can't navigate out of and I can't outsmart. Even though my heart hurts so much.. and I've cried so hard that I've used all the air in my lungs. Even though my best friend has still spent time sitting by my side while I'm curled in ball as she listens to me be overcome with emotion... even though this is a god awful time in my life... it really is just a begining. Someday I will look back and be greatful. Someday I will feel differently about this journey.
Someday years from now when the sting of the pain is dull I will realize that this journey was for a reason and I will be a better person.. better wife.. better mother for it.
Kind of like today.