Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The Power of Words.

Yesterday in an open forum someone posted about me. 

Well not about me exactly - but the someone they did post about could have been me. 

My twin.

They talked about how their co-worker, who the original poster stated, "knows really wants to lose weight", but instead has gained 20 pounds over the last few months. About how this coworker is bringing in fast food daily and how she feels sorry for her. 

Feel sorry for her? That is not what I would feel I would completely understand where she is coming from.

People went on to comment with things like "I see people so overweight and wonder why they want to be like that." 

No one wants to be overweight. Even if they tell you its okay- deep down they don't want to be. Its hard to lose weight. Harder to keep it off. No one wants to be overweight.

Stating things like- "It just takes a little bit of effort but most people are lazy"

It does not take a little bit of effort. Its takes a whole heaping lot of effort. I have done it. I know it.

And even to go as far as saying those that stood up and stated they didn't like the comment about the obese being lazy were "perpetuating the stereo-type of bitter fat people.." 

No. Just no. They are standing up for themselves and there is not bitter thing about that.

It broke my heart for so many reasons. Right at the top of the list - no one said- maybe this person is struggling. Maybe you should reach out and offer an ear instead of a judgement. Maybe this person is dealing with so much on their plate that they are eating to compensate. Maybe this person can't keep their head above water right now. Maybe there is more to the story than you know- than your coworker wishes to share with you.. Just maybe..

This person is me

This could be my coworker writing these exact words about me.

This post stabbed me right in the heart and soul of my biggest insecurities.
I have struggled with gaining weight during times of stress all of my life. I tend to feed my stress chocolate. 

Couple that with infertility medications and I have gained about 20lbs since the start of the year. 

Toss Rob losing his job into the mix, and me working 80+ hour work weeks... Ya, Im eating out more now than normal too. I want to get back to losing. I want to be in the mind set, but I'm not . 

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me though. Or call me lazy. I certainly don't want to be this way right now.. fluffy as I like to call it. 

Its just my coping mechanism

I feel like I should have put my two sense in and said that maybe instead of feeling sorry and taking the time to post about her in an open forum where she can't even defend herself- maybe you should ask her if she is okay. Ask her if there is something she is battling? Some emotion that is boiling over  the top.. 

I stayed away from the post though. There was too much anger and hatred for me to let it into my life right now. I have enough on my plate - I don't need  to be jumping into a pot of boiling water head first and full of progesterone and steroids... that's a recipe for disaster I do believe.

I did however discuss this with a group of women in private that I call my friends. I told  them how it broke my heart. How it brought up raw emotions.  How this person they were talking about was me.. in so many ways this person is me. I told these women how my heart just breaks for the unknown women. How I cried actual tears because a weight loss message board is no longer a safe place for overweight people to go. 

Instead there are things like "fat" and "lazy" and "bitter" being volleyed around.

I went on to say how we are all entitled to our opinions- some of those just don't have to be shared in an open forum. If you want to think all obese people are lazy, while I will argue that you are very very very wrong until I am blue in the face, that is still your opinion and you are entitled to it. I don't even have to like it- but when you bring it into an open forum you have to expect the flood gates to open. 

I just wish someone would talk to this coworker and ask her what her story is. Maybe she is a fellow infertile. Maybe she's being pumped full of steroids and hormones. Maybe she is sad that she isn't carrying a baby yet- and maybe she keeps thinking every month this month could be the month. Maybe her husband just lost his job and she is working two jobs to make ends meat. Maybe she is stressed and not ready to focus on losing weight in this moment, maybe she is treading water and keeping her head barely above the waves- but maybe your generous ear gave her the strength to move forward into making better choices in that very moment.

Sometimes instead of feeling sorry- and posting in an open forum about an unknown women- sometimes- all we need is and ear and some love. A shoulder and some love. An open heart and some love. 

And  then someone from this group of friends gave me just  that. 

Some love that is.

They said that what I said triggered something in them as well. They proceeded to tell me exactly how they see me in case I wasn't seeing myself in the same light lately.

She used these words- strong, confident, great wife, great and fun coworker, smart, funny, pretty, spunky,  and sassy. 

I love all those words. 

Seriously love all those words.

I want to be these words.   

I haven't thought about myself using those words in a long time. I don't necessarily feel any of those at this given moment, but her telling me that is how she sees me... 

Well I have no words for that. Just some tears and thankfulness that someone saw me struggling.. and instead of posting about me in an open forum chose to give me a gift.

The gift of seeing myself through her eyes. Using her words.

The next time I see someone struggling- I'm going to pass forward this gift. I am going to tell them how I honestly see them, from the outside looking in. 

I'm not going to feel sorry for them, or post about them- Im not going to judge or think twice about telling them that they too are strong in whatever battle they are fighting themselves. 

That they can keep fighting to keep their heads above water. That they are going to make it out.

So if you are fighting a battle- any battle at all- know that in just fighting the battle - you too are strong.  

Together we're going to make it out. Together we're going to fight. 

Never forget it..


  1. Wow. Powerful post and so true. Thank you for posting this!

  2. Thank you Patti:) Glad it meant something to you too!

  3. Kasey, I agree with all those words your friend used. I care and am here for you without judgement. There is hope ... On all fronts ... When you can't believe it, I will believe it for you until you can muster it up again.

  4. Thank you my dear friend! I'm so lucky to have so many amazing people in my life!

  5. What a beautiful post Kasey. You will be the most amazing non-judgmental, nuturing mom!

    I am truely at a loss for words at how someone can just arrive at a safe place and totally upend it to the point where many long time users just don't feel safe anymore. I wish I had the guts to just let her have it.

    1. Thanks that's my dream- that all these experiences will someday make me such a stronger more understanding Mom!

  6. This is my first time to your blog. I found it through Mel's roundup and this post made me cry. I love your words, I love what you shared, and I LOVE that your friends were able to tell you about the real you. Thank you, thank you. I needed to see this today.

    1. Thank you for finding me an reading! I'm so glad I was able to touch your heart!

  7. Here from Mel's roundup. I absolutely loved this. I never thought I was a stress eater - but I was kidding myself. I am completely a stress eater! Not chocolate - ice-cream, or pasta, or bread, or ... sigh. I joke about trying to get back to my "pregnancy weight" (given that was during my second ectopic - I didn't get beyond about 10 weeks), but in fact, that would be my target weight right now. And I've heard judgemental comments too (or made them in my own head), so I would love to be brave enough to ask my friends about the real me.

    1. It's so amazing what people really think about us. It's funny we so often see the negative in ourselves. I'm sure you are strong and amazing!!

  8. This is me, too. Fat my whole life, no matter what diet and exercise plan I follow, no matter what I lose, it always comes back. I now try to focus on health, not weight, but it's so hard. To know people see me and judge me and know nothing about me. Thanks for writing this.