Tuesday, May 14, 2013

On where I stand today.

Today I seriously feel like ripping peoples faces off. Every little thing has me on edge. Im so sick of the "relax" comments, or people saying things like "Its your first IUI you have time" or "when you least expect it, it will happen" or better yet "good thing you started this journey early instead of when you got older"

Here are the very exact reasons why each of these statements boils my blood.

1) Relax- I was relaxed. About 2 years ago. I was all carefree and woo hoo we're gonna be parents and we are gonna rock this shit. At this point I am indeed frustrated- no doubt about that. Hell my RE doesn't even know if I actually ovulated last month. You can't help but to get your hopes up so yes I feel let down, and sad and dissapointed. Im allowed to feel these emotions. Im not at full fever pitch of insanity over here people just sad and guess what- its my body so if I feel sad its me feeling sad. Hug me- do not -for the love of all things holy- tell me to relax!

2) "Its your first IUI you have time"- I realize I am no where near the depths of desperation. I realize this is my first IUI, but the fact that we have had to resort to IUI and spend months being poked, prodded and invaded just plain sucks. I mourn being able to have a baby just by enjoying my husband. Since the failed IUI I can not help but feel scared that we are not on the right treatment plan and that I may need to seek an RE in a bigger town at a bigger hospital with more exprience. These things scare me. Telling me this is my first IUI I have time is not exactly helpful to someone who is sad. First or fiftieth - failed IUI's and treatments SUCK. We all deserve our own little off spring and it shouldn't be this difficult for any of us.

3)"When you least expect it, it will happen"- do me a favor just dont say it. DONT. I dont even have a rebuttle. My entire reproductive privacy is an open novel at this point. I will be poked and prodded in order to conceive. I will have to take medicine. I will not get to just let it happen. I will be hoping and praying and doing superstitious things every cycle to will it to happen. When it does I will be elated!!

4) "Good thing you started this journey young" -WHAT? How is it any better if I am younger or older  than you. You want a baby, I want a baby - we are stuck in we want baby limbo!? How is it any different. You have your own issues being older and I have issues being younger- such as - but not limited to- WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE STUPID BROKEN EGGS!

So alas. Im cranky. Tomorrow I start 150mg of Clomid. Thats scary stuff. I hope my emotional, hormonalness calms down a touch because if not people should just run far away. Im scared lol.

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