Defeated, sad, let down, angry at my body... all that awful bad infertile day stuff. Its creeping in on my hope.. and here is why..
I went for my ultrasound and blood work this morning. If you will remember on Friday I had a wonderful check up with 5 total follicles- 3 follicles on the right 11,8, and 8 and Left I had 2 follicles 10 and 9.
Today not only did they barely grow- but only a few grew.
I have 3 follicles left
Right 12 and 9
NOT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR AT ALL.
Sorry for shouting. Im sad and disappointed. I really was hoping for a lead follicle of 13 and all of the original 5 to grow at least a little.
But that was not the case today.
I saw Dr. V today. He is not my favorite at the practice. He always seems out on cloud 9.. like spacey. This morning for example he asked me how long my cycles normally are.
This would be a fine and dandy question say- this was my first month or two with this practice.
BUT ITS NOT.
I've been seen here since January so to not know my cycles are all over the place makes me uneasy. Like Im just a number. Its sad, because some of the other doctors at my RE really do take time to read my chart. Maybe he was just making small talk- but it always seems like he doesn't know me and this is not my first time seeing Dr V.
Thankfully he is not going to be the one to see me at my next appointment. Hopefully whoever is in will read my chart and treat me like Kasey. An individual.
Anyway Dr V said that its okay and that sometimes with more follicles in the mix it stunts the growth of the others.
Okay, fine, but are they going to mature or are they all going to be too small?
He couldn't answer that question. Only time will tell. He also said to be prepared for IUI on Saturday which means I would have to go to the farther away clinic because mine does not have Saturday hours.
This is perfect for me. I don't mind the drive. Its not bad at all. AND I go back to work on Monday so to have to find coverage on my first day back to work after 17 days off-- well thats dicey.
I already spoke with my boss and she is on vacation next week so she can't cover me. Its going to be tricky and annoying and Lord I hope that my follicles mature and my IUI can be on Saturday, because I can't call out my first day back for because I would jeopardize my job and I don't know if I am going to be able to find coverage at all.
I cant even think about that added stress right now. Im going to cross that rough terrain when I get there..
Let me pause here...let me remind myself of something...
It only takes one. I only need one mature healthy follicle and there is still time for it to mature.
I have a wonderful support team. They will help me. We will find a way if it needs to be found.
I will continue to move forward with 75 IU of Menopur unless my blood work says otherwise. They will call me tonight to tell me if I need to up my dose. I will also continue forward with the .25 of Dex.
I have acupuncture in about an hour and then I am seeing my Mom in the afternoon for a little shopping.
Im hopeful that maybe the acupuncture accompanied with girl time with my Mom will put me in a better place. Mentally Im on a ledge right now. I am hormonal and very emotional (I was watching Good Morning America this morning and they did a story about helping infertiles fund their treatments and then introduce Lady Gaga to sing afterwards.. I cried the entire time...)
Im teetering between my hopeful feelings and the sad defeated thoughts of let down. Part of me is already preparing myself if this cycle doesn't work, and I don't want to do that. Its not over. No where near over. It was just bad news today and that doesn't mean Thursday isn't going to bring good news.
So Im going to push those sad defeated thoughts underground...going to bury them with hopes and dreams and faith and love. I chose hope. I have to. This can work and its going to.
All it takes is one.
So I will spend my acupuncture appointment praying for one mature follicle.
I return Thursday for my next check up and I am
All it takes is one...