Defeated, sad, let down, angry at my body... all that awful bad infertile day stuff. Its creeping in on my hope.. and here is why..
I went for my ultrasound and blood work this morning. If you will remember on Friday I had a wonderful check up with 5 total follicles- 3 follicles on the right 11,8, and 8 and Left I had 2 follicles 10 and 9.
Welp.
Today not only did they barely grow- but only a few grew.
I have 3 follicles left
Right 12 and 9
Left 11
NOT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR AT ALL.
Sorry for shouting. Im sad and disappointed. I really was hoping for a lead follicle of 13 and all of the original 5 to grow at least a little.
But that was not the case today.
I saw Dr. V today. He is not my favorite at the practice. He always seems out on cloud 9.. like spacey. This morning for example he asked me how long my cycles normally are.
This would be a fine and dandy question say- this was my first month or two with this practice.
BUT ITS NOT.
I've been seen here since January so to not know my cycles are all over the place makes me uneasy. Like Im just a number. Its sad, because some of the other doctors at my RE really do take time to read my chart. Maybe he was just making small talk- but it always seems like he doesn't know me and this is not my first time seeing Dr V.
Thankfully he is not going to be the one to see me at my next appointment. Hopefully whoever is in will read my chart and treat me like Kasey. An individual.
Anyway Dr V said that its okay and that sometimes with more follicles in the mix it stunts the growth of the others.
Okay, fine, but are they going to mature or are they all going to be too small?
He couldn't answer that question. Only time will tell. He also said to be prepared for IUI on Saturday which means I would have to go to the farther away clinic because mine does not have Saturday hours.
This is perfect for me. I don't mind the drive. Its not bad at all. AND I go back to work on Monday so to have to find coverage on my first day back to work after 17 days off-- well thats dicey.
I already spoke with my boss and she is on vacation next week so she can't cover me. Its going to be tricky and annoying and Lord I hope that my follicles mature and my IUI can be on Saturday, because I can't call out my first day back for because I would jeopardize my job and I don't know if I am going to be able to find coverage at all.
I cant even think about that added stress right now. Im going to cross that rough terrain when I get there..
Let me pause here...let me remind myself of something...
Right foot.
Left foot.
Breath.
It only takes one. I only need one mature healthy follicle and there is still time for it to mature.
I have a wonderful support team. They will help me. We will find a way if it needs to be found.
I will continue to move forward with 75 IU of Menopur unless my blood work says otherwise. They will call me tonight to tell me if I need to up my dose. I will also continue forward with the .25 of Dex.
I have acupuncture in about an hour and then I am seeing my Mom in the afternoon for a little shopping.
Im hopeful that maybe the acupuncture accompanied with girl time with my Mom will put me in a better place. Mentally Im on a ledge right now. I am hormonal and very emotional (I was watching Good Morning America this morning and they did a story about helping infertiles fund their treatments and then introduce Lady Gaga to sing afterwards.. I cried the entire time...)
Im teetering between my hopeful feelings and the sad defeated thoughts of let down. Part of me is already preparing myself if this cycle doesn't work, and I don't want to do that. Its not over. No where near over. It was just bad news today and that doesn't mean Thursday isn't going to bring good news.
So Im going to push those sad defeated thoughts underground...going to bury them with hopes and dreams and faith and love. I chose hope. I have to. This can work and its going to.
All it takes is one.
So I will spend my acupuncture appointment praying for one mature follicle.
I return Thursday for my next check up and I am
All it takes is one...
Just one.
I know you are freaking out because your number of real "contenders" is starting to go down, but that is exactly what is supposed to happen. Your cycle is looking picture perfect imho!
ReplyDeleteIt's very normal for a few follicles to "take the lead" and thus the others just kind of fizzle out. It's great that you have 3 fantastic follicles taking the lead and to be growing nice and steadily very close in size. Most clinics will cancel your IUI if you have more than 3 lead follicles anyways, so here you already know you won't have to be faced with a recommended cancellation. That is #1 win!
#2 win is that follies grow 1-3 mm per day, and it looks like you are right on track to have 3 super mature follies by the time you trigger. Just seems picture perfect to me.
#3 win is that any follie 13 mm or above has the potential to become fertilized and result in pregnancy. One of your follies will already be there by tomorrow. By Thursday, I bet you'll have at least a couple around 15-18mm. By Saturday? Well they will ALL be there ripe, ready and eagerly waiting for the swimmers to come and get them.
As an outsider looking in, I think your cycle is panning out perfectly!
Thanks for being the voice of reason! I needed this and you are so right. I just couldn't help but feel like something is wrong I wish Dr V explained it like this because it would have calmed my inner most fears. Thanks:)
DeleteNo problem! If only doctors wouldn't be so rushed and take the time to fully explain the whole picture, they probably wouldn't leave women feeling so uneasy sometimes. That is ok though...that is what your blog friends are here for! Seriously, you are right on track for a stupendous cycle girlie!
DeleteThanks Dr V just called and told me to increase the Menopur to 150 IU for the next few nights and hopefully the 3 will grow since that seems to be more of the issue. At least I feel like we're doing something to make them grow some.
DeleteHugs Kasey!! It's never easy to get news that shoots down our hope, but I agree with all the points in the previous comment. I was going to come here and say that I was told the follicles usually grow 2mm a day, so you will be all set by Saturday! I'm hoping that your acu appt and some time with your mom will lift your spirits. Hang in there Kasey, it will happen!! Lots of prayers coming your way for a good u/s on Thursday.
ReplyDeleteKristine
Thanks Kristine I think if the 3 left would have grown more I'd be more at ease but they really didn't. They just increased my Menopur so maybe now they will grow in the next few days.
DeleteEmily is right. She is such a level headed, wise woman. I remember the first time this happened to me I was so depressed and was already counting myself out. Fact is, that was the cycle I actually got pregnant. Trust the process. The female body is amazing. It's always got a trick up its sleeve. ;) hang in there!
ReplyDeleteHopefully this is my cycle too. I'm all for some magic :)
DeleteYour first comment hit the nail on the head. She sounds like she's got you thinking positively again, which is good because honestly everything she said sounds right! I hope you're feeling more optimistic, and that one of your follies is the one. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Anne I'm hopeful just can't help but be worried too ya know.
DeleteOh man...I've been on that ledge before, and it is hard. Please give yourself a break!!! Your body is reacting to the meds and although it is not what you really want, it is working. I hope the acupuncture and girl time helped!! Sending positive vibes your way!
ReplyDeleteThank you girl time and acupuncture was just what I needed. I feel much better now. Plus all the love from you ladies:) I appreciate it!
DeleteIt only takes one! And God is certainly bigger then all this. Believing with you!
ReplyDeleteHe definitely is and whatever is meant to be will be :) thanks for believing with me<3
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