I spoke with my nurse first thing this morning... I was told to stop my Endometrin and await the arrival of my period and call them on cycle day 1.
They don't even want me coming in for a beta.
AKA this cycle is now officially over...
Two things pop into my mind-
1)I am sad.
2) This blows.
But you know what. Both those things are okay. Its okay for me to be sad that this cycle didn't work. That's an honest feeling and my heart is heavy in my chest and my cheeks are moist with tears of letting this cycle sail away officially.
And that is okay, because this does blow.
I really wish I had a more articulate term to define how I felt but at this moment in time all I can think is.. this blows.
I told Rob what the nurse said and he said alright its going to be okay lets just stay positive.
A friend of mine said to me that she thinks Im much stronger than her. I told her I didn't feel strong at all lately. I feel like a new born baby deer with brand new wobbly legs and limited eye sight. She laughed and said that it was okay for me not to feel strong right in this moment. Its okay to be sad. Its okay to cry and crumble and when Im ready to just pick myself back up and keep moving forward.
So the other day you may remember that I prayed for a sign about what to do about my next cycle...
Well after the call this morning Rob and I decided to go get some breakfast at a local diner. We were sitting talking about what we thought the next cycle was going to be like and how we were going to be able to move forward with conflicting schedules and what not.
It was beautiful out as we waited to be seated the sun shined down and there was a sight fall breeze in the air. A little girl- who couldn't have been much more than a year old- was wobbling around. Showing off her new walking skills. I didn't know this little girl.. or her parents... but she walked right up to me. She placed her head on my bare legs and looked at me and smiled.
I was so taken back. It was so random. There were 20 people easily waiting outside and this little one chose me to come cuddle with. Me some stranger to look at and smile.
Maybe it wasn't some sign from God... though Im inclined to think it really was.
Her smile pulled on something deep within my heart. I want nothing more than for my child to give me that beautiful, innocent, loving smile. Im so grateful this little girls dad let her wobble up to me. Let her sit with me... even just for a fleeting moment.
When he picked her up and walked away I wanted to burst into tears. I was so full of emotions.
I held it in and just thought about what I was feeling. I thought well God I asked for a sign and if the innocence of a smiling child who comes to cuddle with a stranger isn't a sign.. well I don't know what is.
So tonight its wine and pizza with one of my best friends... I will cry and be sad and vent my frustrations and enjoy the vino...
And then tomorrow I will pull my cloak of strength back on and we will continue to move forward with the next cycle...