Sunday, September 22, 2013

Baby Bumps Galore and Happy Wedding Day!

I typically do a snapshot on Sunday’s, but I have a lot to say today and just a snapshot was not going to cut the cake my dear friends-

Yesterday was my cousins beautiful Wedding Day! It was PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL and I could not be happier for the both of them and their family!!
Let me start by saying I love baby bumps. I really do LOVE them. I have nothing against them really- other than I want one and I don't have one so they make me a bit sad and stir some feelings of jealousy these days. However, other than that, I think that a baby bump is the perfect accessory, but holy macaroni was I not prepared for the onslaught of baby bumpage that I encountered at my cousins wedding.

It was baby bump madness! Madness I tell you!! I have seen less baby bumps sitting in my ob/gyn office on a Monday morning after another BFN (prime time for find all the baby bumps waiting for blood work..)

The countdown:
-Both photographers were female- both sporting very obvious baby bumpage.

-Both women who sat behind Rob and me during the ceremony were talking about their pregnancies- I turned around and you guessed it -both sporting baby bumpage.

-My cousins came up to talk and he was with his wife who - you guessed it again more baby bumpage.

-4 additional guests whom I did not know- that's right ya'll 4 addiontal baby bumps.
So the baby bumpage total count- 9!

9 muh-haha- haha.

9 very noticeable baby bumps, which I felt were just staring at me.

Baby Bumps are beautiful. I love them and I want one. Let me be crystal clear here- all these women looked adorable with their bumps and even the ones I don’t know I was happy for. To sport a baby bump is an honor and I hope to get to sport one to a wedding someday (soon) too. It was just a lot of baby bumps in not a lot of space for a little old IFer like me to take in.

You know I really do believe in signs from above. Hopefully they were all there for me to see for a reason. All hopefully a sign foreshadowing my future.
The thing is I must not have been the only one to notice it, because there was a lot of IF talk at this wedding. That is strange for me because honestly other than a few of my closest friends and Rob- most of my IF talk is done here and solely here.
What sparked the IF talk was the inevitable questions that family ask when you haven't seen them in a bit. Well I should say question- "When are you having kids of your own.."

I am vowing to never ask this question- EVER. I strongly request that if you are thinking of asking this question you divert it to some other line of questioning. {Something in the safe zone would be- hows your gardening/knitting/sowing/crafting going.}

You have no idea why cousin so and so does not have kids so asking this question could spur some sadness and hurt and unless your close with cousin so and so it may not be the most appropriate thing to ask.
My answer normally is always the standard "when it happens it happens." This makes it easier to skirt around the actual question without having to explain too much to people who probably don't want to hear about my malfunctioning lady business.

Instead (probably fueled by a few drinks I’m not gonna lie) when I was first asked this by a cousin I opened up somewhat and instead of my normal go to lines said- "when my body decides cooperates." Which prompted her to ask what that meant… and then I opened up about our IF struggles and how we were in the midst our 5th IUI. She did tell me I "should just adopt". Like that’s the easiest thing in the world. Instead of going on my "just adopt" tangent I said its always an option, because it is- but were just not there yet and its not "just" that easy.
Then we were seated at our table with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in forever. In fact her father was our Pastor at our wedding. He did the ceremony and blessing at my cousins wedding as well and we all sat together which was really nice. K and I were best of friends growing up and had similar back grounds. We were even married within a few weeks of one another. I asked K how her and her husband have been and she lead by saying "well we did the hole fertility thing.." and then went on from there about their last three years.
Since I haven't talked to her much I wasn't sure if this was her telling me she too went through fertility treatments or if she was working at a fertility office. I really didn't know- but being fueled by a few cocktails- I backed her story up and just came out and asked her.
Lo' and behold her and her husband also have been going through the same thing. Who knew?? We talked about our similar stories and she told me her RE horror story. My heart aches for where they were left in their journey- but that is their story to share. We vowed to stay in touch and it was so nice to reconnect with her. I’m sure God placed her next to me at our table to talk for a reason.
But that’s not all that happened at this wedding involving my malfunctioning lady parts.
I have another cousin who was there who I have not seen in quiet some time. We got to talking and I knew that she underwent fertility treatments to have her son as well. We never openly talked about it, but I felt compelled to have a conversation with her about it…I guess all the IF talk going on geared me up.

You see my cousin M's husband tragically died in a car accident right after she had IVF and found out she was finally pregnant with her son. So I know it’s probably not the easiest subject for her to discuss- so I asked her if she was okay to talk about it with me. She grabbed my hand and said always. We talked a bit and she asked me to come over to her house for dinner so we can sit and talk some more. She wants me to go to her doctor and she really wants me to sit and talk with her about why she was not happy with my current RE office.
She told me one more thing- she has frozen embryo's and eggs which she’s been storing even though she won't be using them. (After M's husbands death she met a new man whom has kids of his own, together they have a beautiful family and she won't be doing IVF again) She said she really didn't know why she's been storing them all along, but she wanted me to know that if I needed donor eggs or embryo's that I am welcome to hers.

So were clear here- she offered me her eggs and/or embryo's as donors if we ever need to cross that bridge.
Well cue the tears. Seriously. What a wonderful gesture. I know that making that decision would be a way aways from where we are, but I can't help but to be grateful for the offer.
Even writing about it now and thinking about her offer brings tears to my eyes. There really is a reason for everything and I'm beyond grateful for M and I can't wait to sit down and talk some more with her about her journey and IVF.
As I was crying my other cousin’s wife (M's sister in law) was standing with us and told me that she knows that I am going to be a Mommy. She told me she had goose bumps and she just knows it in her heart.

Then she also opened up to me about their struggle to have a second child. They have been trying for number 2 for 2 years and she is 37. I told her there is such a thing as secondary infertility- and suggested she seek some additional assistance in having number 2. We cried together and I know that she and I have not been close in the passed (in fact yesterday was my first time meeting her face to face!), but I truly feel like I have a new friend and prayer warrior in her as well.
So to round up all this mumbo-jumbo- (which I feel is sort of discombobulated and all over the place and for that I am sorry..)

I have lots and lots and lots of cousins and sorta-ish cousins and cousins in law and sorta-ish not really cousins.
There were 9 baby bumps bouncing around and I really, really, really, want one.
I opened up to some family members about IF and our struggle and now have more people praying and hoping for us and along side of us. 
One of my long lost friends was seated next to me and I now have someone else to pray with and go through this journey with.
My cousin M is an absolute angel and we have a date to discuss my future treatments.
My cousin's wife is going to be one of my new best friends.
Oh and speaking of cousin's- Lauren and Jimmy had the most beautiful wedding. I know I am hot- hormonal-mess- but I truly cried my eyes out at their ceremony. They had their own vows which made us all laugh and cry with them and there is no doubt in my mind that they are perfect for one another.

I wish them many years of continued happiness, love, and blessings.

Tomorrow is the day- We find out what those follicles are doing and where we go from here. Is IUI 5 a go or no go for launch? Only about 24 hrs till we have that answer…


  1. Sometimes opening up to people can be so freeing!
    We had MFI issues, so I don't feel at liberty to discuss it with many people, but occasionally I have to just stop someone after what they've said, back track, and share a bit.

    Hoping this is the cycle for you!

    Here via ICLW

    1. Thank you for stopping by! Praying this is our cycle too!! Opening up can be hard, but it can be rewarding too!

  2. I had such a hard time reading this post through the tears welling up in my eyes. I am thrilled for you that your opening up yielded such supportive, fruitful conversations. What an amazing night you had. But hopefully you won't need anything offered to you b/c IUI #5 will your BFP. Praying for you guys.

    1. Ohh thank you it was an amazing night! Im praying too that I won't need it, but knowing is there is such a blessing!

  3. Wow! What a great story about how opening up can lead to finding more support and kindness in people. Of course telling one's story can lead to misunderstanding and hurt too, but it's so good to hear the other side of the coin. I was recently at a wedding where there were three visible pregnancies that I noticed (not quite nine!) lol. I found I was able to observe it and accept it without feeling jealousy/sense of loss (maybe because it wasn't the "crazy" point in my cycle yet). I felt more sense of loss when when a "post natal" baby got passed around (luckily only one.) Showing off babies cause me more upset because I end up feeling bad not for myself, but for Mr. Turtle and the fact that our parents aren't grandparents. I actually resent other people for shoving that in their face. Then I feel bad as if I've somehow done something wrong by not having a baby, which makes no logical sense, but there you go. Anyway, it's great to hear about a great wedding experience and I am so glad you found some enlightened people who could understand you. I got the chills reading your cousin's story. What an incredible woman.

    1. I hate that feeling- like I've done something *wrong* by not being able to make my husband a daddy or my/his parents grand parents. I know it doesn't make logical sense but I too feel that. My cousin really is an amazing woman- shes such a pillar of beauty and strength. Maybe she will guest post for me one day!

  4. Wow! Your bravery was rewarded! I can never bring myself to tell people unless they say something first, but reading this made me think I should. How wonderful to find such support all around you. Sending you all the positivity in the world for tomorrow's scan! Everyone is rooting for you :)

    1. Thank you Anne! I can absolutely feel everyone holding me up and rooting for me!

  5. Wow, it seems that placing all those IF related people in your path even with all those baby bumps was quite a blessing. I wish I had so many friends IRL who have been through this.

    Happy ICLW. Good luck with the IUI!

    1. It's amazing how many people IRL are struggling too. It's sad that it's so common but I am glad to have people to cry with and laugh with as we journey together.

  6. I've been thinking a lot lately about the choice to tell people or not tell people about what's going on in IF land. Sometimes when you open up, you have to deal with the dumb-dumbs who ask "why don't you just adopt?" But how great is it when you find other people who have been there? It's so worth. I'm glad you opened yourself up and found some people who have been there and who will root for you in real life. You did a brave thing, and it's good to see brave things rewarded. My fingers are crossed for you tomorrow! Positive vibes!

    1. Thank you! It's so hard to talk about but if fertiles can talk openly about their journeys why can't in fertiles. You never know who else is struggling with you!

  7. What a day! I don't even know you and my anxiety just went up a level. LOL The bumps still get to me and we now have our precious little one. Of course, we chose to adopt. And let me say, there's no "just adopt" when it comes to adoption. I just found out my sister is pregnant and even though I'm thrilled, it still hurts to know I won't get to have that experience. But, there are so many wonderful women out there, just like you found out, that need a friend to talk to. I'm so glad you found several!

    1. There really are and so many are willing to talk they are just afraid. Sometimes you have to take the first step. Anyone that says "just adopt" has never contemplated adoption in any real form whatsoever.

  8. Hello from ICLW! Wishing you all the best with your cycle!

  9. How wonderful that you were able to open up and not feel so alone in doing so. I think if 1 in 6 couples experiences infertility, then clearly a lot of people are just holding it inside. I'm sure that your openness was just as comforting to the other women who opened up to you about their own struggles. So happy you left feeling more supported, and that the insane amount of bumps didn't ruin your night.

    1. I was so glad that not only was I able to open up, but maybe I helped some other women release some of their burdens as well!

  10. Wow! love how God works - that he brought y'all to the same wedding at the same time and you had that conversation, and how sweet was she!!! Excited to hear how tomorrow goes. Oh and I totally never ask that question either, just like I've learned I should never ask someone who is dating when they want to get engaged too - I think it applies to all aspect of life, not just this stage!

    1. I think he really placed all those people there for me too! I agree with the engagement questions too! lol.

  11. See: THIS. THIS is the reason I have been very open about my journey (then and now)... because it is so much more common than you think and as soon as it becomes less taboo to talk about it, the sooner we can all find the support and encouragement we need to get through.

    And if more people realized how common IF is, LESS people would think it okay to ask "so when is it your turn?".... because we'd realize the answer to that question isn't as in our collective control as we once thought.

    Yay for support and awareness!


    1. Aimee your words always mean so much to me. Thank you for being such a support!!