Mourning the Loss of a Friend

　

We tragically lost a coworker this week in an off duty motorcycle accident. I just wanted to take a moment and honor my coworker and my friend Larry here. I don't know anyone that can say a bad word about Larry. He had a heart of gold and was always the first with a joke that could lighten any mood. I am proud to have served along side him for many years and I will take what he taught me along with me on each and every call so long as I continue to serve others.

 So Larry while we mourn the loss of your beautiful presence here on earth we have all gained and another angel that will undoubtedly brighten the sky’s of Heaven.

　

My prayers are extended to all of Larry's family, friends, and coworkers.

　

　

A special prayer for Larry's friends that worked tirelessly to save Larry's life. There is a tough lesson that I've learned in this line of work and its no matter how hard you try you can not save them all.

-Larry's Last Call-　

　

MedCom to Paramedic 3365

　

　

MedCom to Paramedic 3365

　

　

MedCom to Paramedic 3365

　

　

Paramedic 3365 is not answering MedCom. Paramedic 3365 has taken his last call and will be answering no longer. Paramedic 3365 has dedicated his entire  life here on earth to serving and saving others and has now been reassigned to the Lords Squad of Eternal Heroes.

　　

We have it from here. Rest easy my dear friend we will all miss you.

IUI #5

Everything went so well today- 

First Rob got me a good luck charm. He text me yesterday while I was at work and told me he had a gift for me on the kitchen table. When I got home I found this: 

Its a Origami Owl custom necklace. A few weeks ago we were out with a few friends and I admired one of the girls necklaces and told Rob it was something I would like someday. Well Rob went online and chose a necklace made just for me- 

Flip-Flops- because I LOVE my flip flops

Sand Dollar- to represent where we were married - the beach 

Softball- because I have always played 

I Love My Dog- because I'm slightly obsessed with my dog

Emerald Heart- my birthstone 

Medical Symbol- to represent my line of work 

Margarita- to represent all the good times 

Wedding Ring- to represent our marriage 

He did good. So today I put my necklace on and headed off for IUI # 5. Rob dropped off at 8:30 and I arrived at 9:30. I waited a bit in the office and then was taken back. Rob had an amazing post wash count of 81 million. 

The first thing my nurse did was compliment my necklace. She even told Dr. S he should get one for his wife, which made him laugh. He explained he doesn't do sentimental things like that his wife would think he went crazy. I explained what all the charms represented during my IUI. There is something about laughing with your doctor that makes it seem a little better given the circumstances. 

Then my nurse pointed to the ceiling: 

She told me the story of the wind chimes. A woman who had been coming to the clinic for over a year was given this wind chime by a friend while she was going through her infertility journey. When the women found out she was pregnant- yesterday- she brought in the wind chimes. They hung them in the room as a good luck charm. 

Well I felt so blessed. I have had so many of you emailing me today and so many good luck charms being placed in my path. Everything seems so good for this cycle. 

My lining was 14mm, I had 3 good mature follicles and Rob had a great count. Everything looks so good. 

Not my best photo..

So I laid back and tried to make some babies.. .

I know that we did everything we needed to do on our behalf this cycle. Its in Gods hands now. 

After my IUI I went to acupuncture and had a very relaxing session. I have my next session scheduled for next week on Thursday- hopefully right around implantation time. 

Thank you all for thinking of us today. 

The two week wait begins.... 

IUI 5- Go For Launch!

 The title of this really doesn’t leave much to the imagination- as you can see, despite all of the ups and downs and the crazy roller coaster ride that this cycle took us on, we ARE moving forward with IUI # 5 on Wednesday morning.

The Nitty Gritty of IUI #5 as of this mornings appointment-

Right Ovary- 16mm

Left Ovary- 19mm & 16mm follicles

Lining- 14mm (14!!)

After not thinking any of my follicles were going to mature and after multiple medications adjustments we now have 3 pretty mature follicles and an amazing lining.  

What does this mean- well there is a chance of multiples- and my APN and doctors wanted me to be fully aware of it. We had a good talk about this cycle and how all over the place it has been and then I talked to DH and together we all collectively decided to move forward despite the chance of triplets.

Its a slim chance since I have had multiple failed IUI's with multiple follicles in the past. Its pretty much all in God's hands and that is the only way I can look at it.

This quote from Joel Osteen left me with some peace about our choice this morning-

"Nothing can happen without God's permission and God will not allow a difficulty unless He has a divine purpose for it. If you will keep your peace, you'll pass the test, and God will bring you out better than you were before."

As we move forward it will be in peace.

So tonight I will trigger with Ovidrel at 9:30pm and Wednesday Rob will do his part and my IUI will be around 09:30am.

I have acupuncture scheduled for 10:30am and I am off for the rest of the day so I plan on having a peaceful calm day hoping and praying that my uterus becomes a nice comfy-cozy residing place for a baby or two.

I also am planning acupuncture 7DPO IUI for *hopefully* the day of or close to implantation.

I feel very lucky that we even made it to IUI at all. It did not seem promising when we first started this cycle. I also feel very hopeful that this is our cycle and our chance to get our BFP.

I can not possibly thank you all enough for all your prayers and well wishes as we move forward in this cycle!! I feel you all rooting for us and lifting us up in your thoughts and prayers and I greatly appreciate it all.

IUI 5- Go For Launch!!

Baby Bumps Galore and Happy Wedding Day!

I typically do a snapshot on Sunday’s, but I have a lot to say today and just a snapshot was not going to cut the cake my dear friends-

Yesterday was my cousins beautiful Wedding Day! It was PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL and I could not be happier for the both of them and their family!!

　

　

(I explained the cousin marry my other sorta-ish-but-not-really cousin here if you want to play catch up on that which is my large family!)

　

　

Let me start by saying I love baby bumps. I really do LOVE them. I have nothing against them really- other than I want one and I don't have one so they make me a bit sad and stir some feelings of jealousy these days. However, other than that, I think that a baby bump is the perfect accessory, but holy macaroni was I not prepared for the onslaught of baby bumpage that I encountered at my cousins wedding.

It was baby bump madness! Madness I tell you!! I have seen less baby bumps sitting in my ob/gyn office on a Monday morning after another BFN (prime time for find all the baby bumps waiting for blood work..)

The countdown:

　

-Both photographers were female- both sporting very obvious baby bumpage.

-Both women who sat behind Rob and me during the ceremony were talking about their pregnancies- I turned around and you guessed it -both sporting baby bumpage.

-My cousins came up to talk and he was with his wife who - you guessed it again more baby bumpage.

-4 additional guests whom I did not know- that's right ya'll 4 addiontal baby bumps.

　　

So the baby bumpage total count- 9!

9 muh-haha- haha.

9 very noticeable baby bumps, which I felt were just staring at me.

Baby Bumps are beautiful. I love them and I want one. Let me be crystal clear here- all these women looked adorable with their bumps and even the ones I don’t know I was happy for. To sport a baby bump is an honor and I hope to get to sport one to a wedding someday (soon) too. It was just a lot of baby bumps in not a lot of space for a little old IFer like me to take in.

You know I really do believe in signs from above. Hopefully they were all there for me to see for a reason. All hopefully a sign foreshadowing my future.

　

The thing is I must not have been the only one to notice it, because there was a lot of IF talk at this wedding. That is strange for me because honestly other than a few of my closest friends and Rob- most of my IF talk is done here and solely here.

　

What sparked the IF talk was the inevitable questions that family ask when you haven't seen them in a bit. Well I should say question- "When are you having kids of your own.."

I am vowing to never ask this question- EVER. I strongly request that if you are thinking of asking this question you divert it to some other line of questioning. {Something in the safe zone would be- hows your gardening/knitting/sowing/crafting going.}

You have no idea why cousin so and so does not have kids so asking this question could spur some sadness and hurt and unless your close with cousin so and so it may not be the most appropriate thing to ask.

　

My answer normally is always the standard "when it happens it happens." This makes it easier to skirt around the actual question without having to explain too much to people who probably don't want to hear about my malfunctioning lady business.

Instead (probably fueled by a few drinks I’m not gonna lie) when I was first asked this by a cousin I opened up somewhat and instead of my normal go to lines said- "when my body decides cooperates." Which prompted her to ask what that meant… and then I opened up about our IF struggles and how we were in the midst our 5^th IUI. She did tell me I "should just adopt". Like that’s the easiest thing in the world. Instead of going on my "just adopt" tangent I said its always an option, because it is- but were just not there yet and its not "just" that easy.

　　

Then we were seated at our table with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in forever. In fact her father was our Pastor at our wedding. He did the ceremony and blessing at my cousins wedding as well and we all sat together which was really nice. K and I were best of friends growing up and had similar back grounds. We were even married within a few weeks of one another. I asked K how her and her husband have been and she lead by saying "well we did the hole fertility thing.." and then went on from there about their last three years.

　

Since I haven't talked to her much I wasn't sure if this was her telling me she too went through fertility treatments or if she was working at a fertility office. I really didn't know- but being fueled by a few cocktails- I backed her story up and just came out and asked her.

　

Lo' and behold her and her husband also have been going through the same thing. Who knew?? We talked about our similar stories and she told me her RE horror story. My heart aches for where they were left in their journey- but that is their story to share. We vowed to stay in touch and it was so nice to reconnect with her. I’m sure God placed her next to me at our table to talk for a reason.

　

But that’s not all that happened at this wedding involving my malfunctioning lady parts.

　

I have another cousin who was there who I have not seen in quiet some time. We got to talking and I knew that she underwent fertility treatments to have her son as well. We never openly talked about it, but I felt compelled to have a conversation with her about it…I guess all the IF talk going on geared me up.

You see my cousin M's husband tragically died in a car accident right after she had IVF and found out she was finally pregnant with her son. So I know it’s probably not the easiest subject for her to discuss- so I asked her if she was okay to talk about it with me. She grabbed my hand and said always. We talked a bit and she asked me to come over to her house for dinner so we can sit and talk some more. She wants me to go to her doctor and she really wants me to sit and talk with her about why she was not happy with my current RE office.

　　

She told me one more thing- she has frozen embryo's and eggs which she’s been storing even though she won't be using them. (After M's husbands death she met a new man whom has kids of his own, together they have a beautiful family and she won't be doing IVF again) She said she really didn't know why she's been storing them all along, but she wanted me to know that if I needed donor eggs or embryo's that I am welcome to hers.

So were clear here- she offered me her eggs and/or embryo's as donors if we ever need to cross that bridge.

　　

Well cue the tears. Seriously. What a wonderful gesture. I know that making that decision would be a way aways from where we are, but I can't help but to be grateful for the offer.

　

Even writing about it now and thinking about her offer brings tears to my eyes. There really is a reason for everything and I'm beyond grateful for M and I can't wait to sit down and talk some more with her about her journey and IVF.

　

As I was crying my other cousin’s wife (M's sister in law) was standing with us and told me that she knows that I am going to be a Mommy. She told me she had goose bumps and she just knows it in her heart.

Then she also opened up to me about their struggle to have a second child. They have been trying for number 2 for 2 years and she is 37. I told her there is such a thing as secondary infertility- and suggested she seek some additional assistance in having number 2. We cried together and I know that she and I have not been close in the passed (in fact yesterday was my first time meeting her face to face!), but I truly feel like I have a new friend and prayer warrior in her as well.

　

So to round up all this mumbo-jumbo- (which I feel is sort of discombobulated and all over the place and for that I am sorry..)

I have lots and lots and lots of cousins and sorta-ish cousins and cousins in law and sorta-ish not really cousins.

　　

There were 9 baby bumps bouncing around and I really, really, really, want one.

　　

I opened up to some family members about IF and our struggle and now have more people praying and hoping for us and along side of us. 

　　

One of my long lost friends was seated next to me and I now have someone else to pray with and go through this journey with.

　

My cousin M is an absolute angel and we have a date to discuss my future treatments.

　

My cousin's wife is going to be one of my new best friends.

　

Oh and speaking of cousin's- Lauren and Jimmy had the most beautiful wedding. I know I am hot- hormonal-mess- but I truly cried my eyes out at their ceremony. They had their own vows which made us all laugh and cry with them and there is no doubt in my mind that they are perfect for one another.

I wish them many years of continued happiness, love, and blessings.

Tomorrow is the day- We find out what those follicles are doing and where we go from here. Is IUI 5 a go or no go for launch? Only about 24 hrs till we have that answer…

Happy ICLW~ IUI 5- Proceeding w/ Caution

Happy ICLW thanks for stopping by!! If you haven't followed along so far here is a quick update for our Journey So Far.

If you aren't familiar with ICLW its a wonderful group of women who have become some of my best friends and biggest supporters- you can read more about ICLW here. If you are looking for a group to help pick you up and cheer you on they got your back :) 

So far IUI #5 has gone like this- 

-First no follicles wanted to grow. 

--Then no follies grew again. 

---Then one follie showed some initiative and grew enough to keep the cycle moving forward and left a little hope. 

Which brings us to today- first off my lining is T/L 12mm which is prime baby making goodness. Three cheers for uterine lining! 

My Right Ovary- which was 11mm and (2) 9mm follies- today they are 16mm and (2) 13mm -my cyst seems almost resolved. He didn't even measure it. 

My Left Ovary-which was 9mm and 8mm follies- today they are (2) 13mm 

So we went from little to no hope to possibly having to cancel the cycle because if they all continue to grow we would be talking about the possibility of 5 mature follicles. 

Dr O says he doesn't want me to trigger yet and I need to come back again in Monday for yet again another ultrasound and more blood work. Im also continue 225 IU Menopur and Dex .25 daily. 


**edited my APN just called and told me my estrogen is still low and they do want me to up my Menopur to 300 IU daily till Monday. Which officially scares me, but she says its going to be just fine. 


There are a few scenarios here- 

Scenario 1- I surge on my own and ovulate prior to Monday's appt. IUI would be canceled and DH and I should proceed with caution on TI b/c lord only knows how many follicles I could release. I have a friend who had twins with a 14mm follie. 

Scenario 2- I don't surge on my own. I return Monday and the perfect/ideal number of follicles continue to mature. 3 at most continue growing and then I trigger and have my IUI Wednesday. 

Scenario 3- Anything over 3 matures and the IUI is cancelled fearing high order multiples. 

So now I go from praying "grow grow grow" to asking for God to only let a few grow and stop some of the others. I feel like I am being picky here, but quintuplets is not something I am ready for, however I am ready for a baby or two. 

God has a plan here. Praying it all turns out exactly how its suppose to. 

Happy ICLW my friends and thanks for all your well wishes, happy thoughts, and prayers. IUI 5 is still moving forward- however with caution. 

My Follicles are JUST Like a Fine Wine.

I started my day by reading Text From Dog.

If you are not familiar- please take a moment and read them all. THEM ALL.

(source)

Here. Here is a tissue cause I know you are laughing and there are tears coming from your eyes. Happy happy happy tears. Cause that Dog is a funny guy.

He set my mood for the day. Who doesn’t like to start their day with belly laughs? Especially prior to going to a RE appointment. Especially caused by some fictional dog and his owner?

After reading Text From Dog I headed in for my u/s and blood work appt today and I have decided that my follicles are very comparable to fine wine.

-Francis Coppola’s Reserve Pinot Noir – if your buying/wondering :)

　

Fine wine takes a longer time to come to be. Many people like to skip the lengthy process of making fine wines instead making cheapy knock offs. The reason really is profitability. The shorter amount of time to make a product the quicker the turn over. More money. Who doesn’t want more profit.

Who doesn’t want bigger, more mature, juicier follicles?

Who doesn’t want them as fast a possible?

Sign me up folks. Id love juicier follicles- faster. Or at the very least at a normal rate of speed.

Well my little follicles are maturing just like a fine wine. Taking their good ol’ sweet time and as long as my body doesn't ovulate them prior to them maturing fully then we still have a shot at this cycle.

There is still hope.

Still a shot.

Still a maybe.

　

Since Monday I have been upped to 225 IU Menopur- which I will continue until IUI or IUI cancellation. On Monday all of my follicles were 10mm and under- no/nada/zilch in the growth department- today I have an 11mm follicle on the Right along with (2) 9mm follicles and lingering cyst which has gotten somewhat smaller at 11mm. On my Left ovary I have a 9mm follicle. My lining has gone down, but is still acceptable at 8mm.

What does all that mumbo-jumbo mean? Some growth. Albeit minimal.

But as long as there is a shot.... As long as there is some growth I am holding onto hope.

What does all this mean?

　

It means my follies really are taking their damn time growing this cycle and its not very promising, but there is still a shot that they can grow and mature as long as my body doesn't ovulate them on their own.

　

If we can get at least one follicle to at least 16mm they won't cancel the IUI.

All and all its a waiting and praying game now.

　

I go back for another u/s and more bloodwork on Saturday. Until I am told that this cycle is over- I will continue to move forward daily with hope that there is still a chance.

　

Speaking of Saturday—it really is going to be a day. I have to go to the office which is about an hour further away since its the weekend. I have a 07:15 appt time and then I need to come home and go to my cousins’ wedding.

　

Funny (ish) story about this wedding to spread some happy lovey dovey thoughts.

　

My one cousin -JA is kinda/sorta marrying my other cousin -LC- not in a back woods incestuous kinda way- but in a JA is my cousin, but LC is my cousin on the other side of my family's cousin. We all grew up together since we are all the same age and when I was little I really didn't understand the entire "she's your cousin but her cousins on the other side of her family are not your cousin's non sense" - so on Saturday my one cousin is marrying my other "cousin."

　

Ta-dah. Love stories folks :) cousins marrying cousins and fine wine xoxo

And if that’s all too much to follow –which I completely understand- head to Text From Dog.

When Facebook Strikes.

So Facebook got me again today.

But Im gonna battle back...

So its not that I don't agree with the following picture. Its not that at all. In fact I am sure I would agree if given the chance. So, no.. its not that.

Its the tone of the picture that bothers me. Its taunting me.

I would like to make a new one- and yes I know it doesn't rhyme... and somewhat rambling.. but I gotta fight back incase any of you were confronted with this picture today too..

Until you've prayed for little fingers till tears ran down your cheeks. And until you wished for little toes to count over and over and over again. Until you hoped for little hands of your own to wrap your fingers around. Until you attended more doctors appointments than you can remember, stuck yourself with more needles than you can count, taken medications that alter all of your moods,  or cried yourself to sleep in a bedroom that was supposed to be a nursery years ago then you will never understand what battling with infertility does to you. You will never understand wanting to kiss a little nose or rub a little tummy. You will never understand actually WANTING morning sickness or praying for round ligament pain. You will never know what its like to have a love so strong for someone who doesn't even exist yet... who may never exist and yet you still push forward. You keep trying you keep prying open old wounds because of the hope that someday you will have that take home baby.

Im sharing this because infertility is a struggle every single day. Even long after your battle is done it will leave scars that will never heal. You will always have the wounds that infertility lends to you.

There is good that comes from it though. Whether your treatments lead to a beautiful take home baby, or you discover the wonderful world of adoption or make a choice to live child free. No matter where this battle takes you - you will cultivate friendships with a very unique group of women.

These women are stronger and braver than any other women you will come to know. They will love you when Clomid is making you a crazy person, they will comfort you when you get another BFN (and they will know what BFN and all the other lingo means without any explanation) and they will cheer along for good results and happiness...holding you up and holding out hope when you don't feel like you have strength to hold yourself up or hold out hope any longer. They will become another family and without this struggle you would have never met them. And without this other family you wouldn't feel complete. You need them and they need you.

Thats what my picture would say if I were to post it on Facebook. Maybe I can't count toes just yet. And maybe I don't know about the bond between a parent and child- but I know other things. Like the fierce love of the infertility community. I can be greatful for that.

I can celebrate that.

Don't Panic

I'm just going to apologize right now. 

This post is going to be all over the place. I'm trying to work through my emotions and put myself in a better place.. 

You see I'm in a mood. 

I'm very sad today and I feel broken- both broken hearted and broken in the terms of my spirits and to boot the weather isn't helping. 

Its dreary and rainy and gray and blah. 

And thats exactly how I feel -blah. 

What put me here.. 

On Friday I went to the RE and had a follicle scan. I had no follicle growth- none.. no body budged... so I was sent on my way to continue with 150 IU of Menopur and my Dex and come back on Monday and hopefully there would be some growth then. 

My follicles are stubborn anyway so I was still very hopeful that they were just being slow to respond. 

I returned this morning. No growth. Nothing... Nada. 

There are 3 follicles over 8mm but no one has gone over 10mm. No body is taking the lead.

What does this mean? 

Well nothing. Lots of nothing. 

If no follicle reaches maturity then they will cancel the IUI. Basically Im not in a position to ovulate this cycle. 

I have to wait for my blood work analysis results to be returned to the RE office. Once that happens there are a few options in moving forward-- 

I may be advised to up my Menopur to 225 IU or told to keep moving forward with Menopur 150 IU, or told to stop it all together and IUI take 5 will be placed on hold "until I have a better response." 

I have not given up hope. I hope that when I go back on Wednesday my follicles will have gotten with the program and someone will step up to the plate and show some initiative. 

Im just sad. Sad that this cycle seems to be slipping through my fingers.. 

I called Rob after my appointment and told him that there was no growth again and it didn't look so promising. He told me to just stay positive. 

I told him I was trying- because truly I am. But I am also bracing. 

Bracing for this entire cycle to be canceled. Bracing for more bad news. 

Bracing for more negatives. 

He then told me it wasn't the news he was hoping to hear either. 

Im just trying to be careful with how much hope I let fill my heart. If I let it over inflate and I get let down then the fall to earth will be that much harder. 

Landing abruptly with the wind knocked out of me. 

I have to brace for hard impacts on this journey. Lord knows there have been enough of them. 

Along with a craptastic RE appointment with lots of nothingness I went to the Acupuncturist today. 

Today I felt rushed. Like he didn't have the extra time for him. I felt like he didn't understand what it means when your follicles aren't growing. I felt like I was teaching him. I felt like he was clueless and cranky and I have enough of that in my life. 

I also felt like he forgot about the herbs and chinese medicines he wanted me to try. 

Maybe he was having an off day, because normally I love my acupuncturist and I leave there very zen like. 

Not today. I didn't even make another appointment for the next week.  I told them I would call them back to make another appointment. 

I enjoy the hour I normally spend relaxing and I normally value everything my acupuncturist says so I don't know how much of today was me just being a mood myself and perceiving things badly because I feel badly to start with. 

I don't know. I feel broken and battered. I feel bruised. My mood is palpable.

I feel like I am letting my husband down each cycle- and while I know its not like that I can't help but let those feelings wash over me. Almost drown me in sorrow. 

I wish I had control. I wish I could reach into my ovaries and point a finger at those follicles and tell them they need to grow. Pay attention. Get with the program. Pull it together. 

Then again another part of me knows if they aren't growing there is a reason. 

I don't understand it one little bit.. but there is a reason. 

We are all entitled to bad or off days. I normally try to be a pillar of positivity, but today I just want to fall to my knees and scream why and let the tears fall down my cheeks. 

I want a friend to turn to. Someone to hold me in their arms and tell me its okay. Its okay to be sad. Its okay to feel bad. Someone in real life to understand. But, I feel like the majority of my friends have stopped asking how things are going. I can't blame them- it always is more of the same- no good news- nothing changes. I understand they don't know what to say to make it better. Because guess what- no matter what you say- it won't make it better, but sometimes its just nice to have someone there for you. A friend that you know is holding onto hope for you when you have let it fizzle out. 

I know I have all of you and a very select few in real life that are holding me in their hearts. I know Rob is holding onto hope for me this cycle since I've started to let it go. 

Ugh. I just can't help but feel sad. 

What lessons are you trying to teach me today God? 

What am I suppose to be taking away from all of this? 

How am I suppose to keep my positivity when all I feel is negative crushing me from so many angels? 

Errggh. I just don't know. 

I hate this limbo feeling. I just want to know what is happening with this cycle. I want the RE to just point me in a direction so I can either let myself fall completely to earth or if I can inflate myself with some more hope. 

I googled "Bible verses for strength"- 

Isaiah 41:10 came up...

"Don't Panic." - Your right. It is in Your control. Deep breaths in and out. 

"I'm with You"- I know. I am calling out to You. I am questioning You. I need to let You have control. Let You continue forward with Your way. 

"There is No need to fear, for I am Your God" - More deep breaths. I need to trust in this. You will lead me through all. 

"Ill give you your strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady. Keep a firm grip on you." - I know it. I feel it. I need to trust it. 

So as I work through my emotions I'm praying for some strength for whatever they say today. Whether this cycle is canceled all together or if we still continue to move forward- the fears and tears that I have right now will not make a difference. 

Its all in Your hands and I need to relinquish that control that I am still trying to hold. 

Its so much easier said than done. To keep faith and hope. To stay strong and fearless. But there really is no other way to battle infertility... just have to stand back up after we fall down. Keep moving forward and keep living despite the fears..  

Chins up, shoulders back, and hope alive. 

Snapshot- Sunday- Gram's Morning Glory's

For my birthday this passed year my Mom gave me some of my Gram's morning glory's that she had transplanted to a hanging plant for me so that a piece of Gram would be with me always. 

Id say they are doing great and she is definitely with me.. 

And the Greatest is Love

I remember September 11, 2001 like it was just yesterday. I was in high school, a Sophomore, sitting in Algebra 2. Someone walked into my classroom and told my teacher to put the television on, that something awful was happening.

What we saw will forever be engraved in my mind. I can not forget as the TV flickered to life-  watching the second plane crash into Tower 2. 

At first there was confusion. Then panic. Then realization of what was occurring.

In 2001 I was a brand new first responder. I was associated with our towns volunteer ambulance service and I knew in those moments that people from our area were going to be heading up to do what they could to help.

I knew in those moments that lives were lost. I knew in those moments that life would never be the same. The fear that was induced on September 11th 2001 would never just go away. We would never and could never go back to September 10th 2001. 

Life was forever different.

I remember my teacher saying she was going to say a prayer and that we could pray too if we wanted too. I remember crying and bowing my head in silent prayer. In a public high school that is something that forever sticks with you. 

 I also remember the principal asking teachers to turn the televisions off, that they did not want us watching what was happening. But, my study hall teacher Mr P. refused to turn it off. I remember him saying we are living a moment in history and its beyond  important for us to watch and know what was going on. 

I remember the faces of my classmates. The faces of the staff. The faces of my parents that day when I got home. No one knew what to say. At the same time no one had to say anything.

I remember September 12th better though. It was quiet. Eerie quiet. There was a melancholy feeling amongst everyone. Some people cried. Other prayed. There were so many flags hanging in our small town. People held doors longer. People smiled at one another. People were in shock.

It is so hard to believe that it is 12 years later.

At the same time it really is 12 years later. 

As a dispatcher there is one radio transmission that brings me to tears every year when its replayed or re posted. 

08:49 hrs 9/11/01
Squad 1-8 to Manhattan, K.
Squad 1-8 K.
....looked like it was intentional. Inform all units coming in from the back it could be a terror attack.
Ten-four. All units be advised. 

There are many other transmission that stick with me.. but this one is forever in my memory. The dispatchers voice. Her tone. Her calm. Her bravery. I commend her. My heart goes out to her. 

I can not imagine.  

My hearts and prayers goes out to every single person affected - which truly is all of us. All of our lives were changed. 

However, there is a special place in my heart for the dispatchers. The way they remained calm. The way they relayed transmissions. The horror they had to be feeling and the fear.. well being as this is my career I just can't imagine. I pray that I never have to deal with anything on the scale in which they did- and if I ever have to I pray that I can handle it with the calmness and grace in which they did.

To dispatchers the guys and girls that are on the calls are our responsibility. My job every day is to get each and every one of my girls and guys and patients home safely. We want everyone to return home to their families and loved ones, and sadly on September 11th, 2001 that did not happen. The dispatchers could not have imagined it would have turned out that way.. and the first responders that were sent into the towers did so willingly. It was their job to try to- and they succeeded in- saving many lives. At the same time so many lost their own lives. So many were forever effected.There is no doubt in my mind that it sticks with the dispatchers every single day of their lives.

So while I pray for all the first responders, the fireman, police officers, emergency medical technicians, paramedics, nurses, civilians, search and rescue... and all of us forever affected by these awful acts I have to hold a special prayer for my brothers and sisters in dispatch.

I will forever hold you all in my heart. 

Hold your loved ones a little tighter today. Instead of thinking of the awful that occurred that day and the evil behind it I prefer to think of the good. All the people that ran into the buildings and all the people in the days, weeks, and months after that spent their time do whatever was asked of them in order to help. 

Alan Jackson has a song - Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning.. 

There is a verse in the song that says it very best- 

"I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell
You the difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love" - Alan Jackson

IUI Take 5

Today was my cycle day three ultra sound and blood work.

The tally is- left ovary 6 follicles under 10mm and right ovary 8 under 10mm..

Oh and the trouble maker right ovary has a 14mm cyst which is most likely left over from ovulation last month. The APN told me this should not be a problem at all and they don’t expect it to be producing hormones so I shouldn’t worry myself one bit. So I'm not going to. 

I discussed how my acupuncturist mentioned trying some chinese herbs and teas and she said that was okay by her, however she would like to know what he wants me to take and she will take a closer look at them when she see's me next. I am scheduled to see the acupuncturist tomorrow, so I will keep you all posted on his plan as well. 

So far her plan- 

I am to start Menopur 150 IU tonight w/ my .25mg Dex and come back on Friday morning for more blood work and another ultra sound.

Originally they wanted me to return on Saturday, but when my nurse went to set up my Saturday appointment -at the office that is an hour away because my office doesn’t have Saturday hours- she asked me what time would be a good fit for my Saturday. I didn’t really say anything- just contorted my face and then said it didn’t matter I would figure it out somehow. Then she pried for more information.

I told her I was working on the ambulance so I would have to call out. It’s not like when I work in dispatch and my boss there comes in and can cover me while I run to an appointment 5 minutes from work. I can’t traipse my ambulance over an hour out of our coverage area and attend an appointment.

She told me I was being far to easy going and to speak up they will work it out for me so I don’t have to call out.

My nurse then went to the APN and asked to move my appointment to Friday for me. Which it was within seconds and there was no fuss.

I’m so thankful for the ladies at my RE office. They really do care and try to make things easier on their patients. They remember me and my job. They ask about my likes and dislikes. They ask about how I am feeling. They grab my hand and look into my eyes and I really feel like even though I say I am fine they know on a deeper level that I am sad and this does blow. I’m thankful for them, because just holding my hand for a moment in time can warm my heart.

My boss does the same thing. She doesn’t pry and ask questions, she just took my hand in hers and said I’m sorry. I know its genuine. She really wishes there was something more she could do and she is always willing to help me whether its covering me while I run to appointments or helping me find coverage on holidays to make it to IUI appointments at the other office.

Speaking of people that help make this journey a touch easier.. 

The other night I sat around a table with two of my girl friends. We drank wine and Woodchuck Pumpkin Cider. (Very good if your inquiring minds were wondering..) We let is all out and we cried and we laughed and we cried because we were laughing. The three of us are all going through some particularly hard times and we talked about all of them. Every last drop of sad and every bit of "this blows" in our lives we let out. We offered support without judgment. We shed tears and felt lighter afterwards, because we weren’t on our journey’s alone. I felt lighter because I released the sad and there was space left again for the good. I woke up the next morning feeling renewed and full of faith again.

Faith that this will work out exactly the way it is suppose to. That the "Super Follie" from last month just was not meant to be. It’s not the baby I am suppose to have and sadly not part of the plan. I was reminded that everything happens for a reason. While we can’t exactly see that bigger picture while we are dealing with our heartaches and sadness in the moments that they are happening, there really is a bigger picture and it will someday make perfect crystal clear sense. Someday the picture that is suppose to be there is going to come into focus and we will understand our struggles.

There is a baby out there that is suppose to be ours. We are suppose to be parents and this journey, and the blows we are being dealt during it, and the lessons we have learned,all of the friendships that have blossomed are just stepping stones which are all strengthening our love towards a child that we have not met just yet and that is not yet ours. But I’m not giving up my faith- he/she is out there. Someone will look into my eyes one day and will call me some form of Mama.

I really do feel good about this cycle. I have felt good in the passed as well, but this time I know things can go one of two ways- it works or it doesn’t and I really have no control over either of those outcomes. I’m going to control what I am able to- taking my medications on time, eating right, staying hydrated, limiting my stress, SMILING, relaxing, and sleeping. I have control over those things and I will do my part and my very best to make this cycle a success.

There is no point to think about the negative. Positivity breeds positivity.

So its happy day my beautiful friends. Smile bright and try to help lift someone else out of their despair today.

I’m going to move forward into this cycle with a good, positive, happy attitude and hope for the very best.

What can you do to spread some happiness, smiles, and positivity around? What are you doing to make yourself happy today?

Try your best to be the positive force in the room today, because whether we know it or not everyone is fighting something...

Im Sad and This Blows..

I spoke with my nurse first thing this morning... I was told to stop my Endometrin and await the arrival of my period and call them on cycle day 1. 

They don't even want me coming in for a beta.

AKA this cycle is now officially over...

Two things pop into my mind- 

1)I am sad. 

2) This blows.

But you know what. Both those things are okay. Its okay for me to be sad that this cycle didn't work. That's an honest feeling and my heart is heavy in my chest and my cheeks are moist with tears of letting this cycle sail away officially. 

And that is okay, because this does blow. 

I really wish I had a more articulate term to define how I felt but at this moment in time all I can think is.. this blows.

I told Rob what the nurse said and he said alright its going to be okay lets just stay positive. 

A friend of mine said to me that she thinks Im much stronger than her. I told her I didn't feel strong at all lately. I feel like a new born baby deer with brand new wobbly legs and limited eye sight. She laughed and said that it was okay for me not to feel strong right in this moment. Its okay to be sad. Its okay to cry and crumble and when Im ready to just pick myself back up and keep moving forward. 

So the other day you may remember that I prayed for a sign about what to do about my next cycle...

Well after the call this morning Rob and I decided to go get some breakfast at a local diner. We were sitting talking about what we thought the next cycle was going to be like and how we were going to be able to move forward with conflicting schedules and what not. 

It was beautiful out as we waited to be seated the sun shined down and there was a sight fall breeze in the air. A little girl- who couldn't have been much more than a year old- was wobbling around. Showing off her new walking skills. I didn't know this little girl.. or her parents... but she walked right up to me. She placed her head on my bare legs and looked at me and smiled. 

I was so taken back. It was so random. There were 20 people easily waiting outside and this little one chose me to come cuddle with. Me some stranger to look at and smile. 

Maybe it wasn't some sign from God... though Im inclined to think it really was.

Her smile pulled on something deep within my heart. I want nothing more than for my child to give me that beautiful, innocent, loving smile. Im so grateful this little girls dad let her wobble up to me. Let her sit with me... even just for a fleeting moment. 

When he picked her up and walked away I wanted to burst into tears. I was so full of emotions. 

I held it in and just thought about what I was feeling. I thought well God I asked for a sign and if the innocence of a smiling child who comes to cuddle with a stranger isn't a sign.. well I don't know what is. 

So tonight its wine and pizza with one of my best friends... I will cry and be sad and vent my frustrations and enjoy the vino... 

And then tomorrow I will pull my cloak of strength back on and we will continue to move forward with the next cycle... 

To Break or Not to Break

I did it. 

I tested today despite knowing it still may be a touch early. 

Despite knowing I could upset myself for nothing. 

But there was also that chance. That looming chance of seeing a positive. 

12 DPO- BFN. 

From Count Down To Pregnancy :  "Based on these statistics, if you are pregnant and take a pregnancy test on 12 days past ovulation you are most likely to get a Positive test result, with the most common being a Faint Positive.

The instances of false negatives on 12 days past ovulation are less common, but do still occur. 16.5% of test results were False Negatives. A false negative result is when a pregnancy test indicates that you are not pregnant but you actually are." 

So basically there is a chance- albeit slim- but a chance none the less that its a false negative and my BFP is still out there. I can't help but let some of the positivity I was holding onto about this cycle slip threw my fingers though, which makes me sad. 

It also causes me to think about the future.. 

It forces me contemplate my next steps- my original plan was to take September, October, and November off from treatments. There is a run in Richmond that I want to do with my friends and I was going to take these months to train. I can't train on the medications because they don't want me running or exercising for fear of an ovarian torsion. The real issue is that I can't guarantee our amazing insurance into 2014. I have no idea what 2014 is going to bring us, and if we end up moving I have no idea what kind of insurance we will fall into.We may be forced into a break at that point and so I don't want to waste the amazing insurance that we currently have, which covers so much of our treatments. I also don't know if I am ready for a break just yet. Mentally I know its not giving up, but I also know each passing month we are getting older and older. I also have it in my mind that "what if its meant to be over those months..."

I know Rob isn't ready for a break either and when I dig deep I know either am I. My nurse told me that we are going to give Menopur 3 tries. It would look like try number one is slipping away and so I think we are going to move forward with Menopur take 2 without taking a break. 

I don't know honestly. I guess I still have some more time to make a decision. My period will probably be held off by the Endometrin, which means I will probably still have a Beta on Monday and then can discuss what to do from there. 

I'm really not ready to make a choice. 

I guess I just need to keep this in mind~

I'm praying for an answer for what to do. I ask for some guidance into the next cycle. A sign for what path to take and some patience to handle whatever becomes of this cycle.

Like the picture says- maybe he is saying wait. 

And so I'm going to wait until the answer of what to do is clear.

How did you know when it was time to take a break?