Tuesday, January 14, 2014

I'm Just Not Sure

I just returned from the doctors and Rob just asked me if they were encouraged or concerned- and the answer to that question is- "I'm just not sure." 

My follicle scan showed 7 follicles under 10mm on the right ovary and 5 follicles under 10mm on the left ovary. The thing is Friday I have 6 follicles under 10mm on each ovary. Don't get me wrong- I'm super content with 7 & 5, but after 4 days of medication I was hoping for a touch of growth. She didn't mention my lining at all. At least not out loud.

I think the real reason I felt so unsure was that I saw an APN I have never seen before. She wasn't very welcoming and she turned the monitor away from me so I couldn't see. I wanted to reach out and turn it back. She also inserted the vaginal probe without warning. Most of my doctors will say- "You'll feel my touch now.." I don't know I guess I really did not like her. At all. I wanted her to just say everything is going well. She really didn't say much of anything. In fact I felt like maybe I was taking up her valuable time today. I think I would have left the appointment with an entire different outlook had I had seen one of the other APN's or Doctors. I don't know exactly what it was-- but I didn't like it. 

I've never done this before. How about some words to tell me its going fine. Or I am doing well. Instead she just said continue with the Menopur and Gonal-F at the same doses unless they call and tell me otherwise and hold off on the Ganirellex. I'm hormonal and sad and tired and seriously you are the doctor and you know the emotional toll that this takes on us so how about reaching out and being the doctors. How about telling me things are normal or not normal. Gah. I think that is why I am frustrated most of all.

Thankfully my favorite RN pulled me aside. I think I wear my emotions on my face and I am pretty sure she could see me about to burst into tears. Remember I am on an emotional roller coaster to begin with, so ya I probably would handle news like this a touch better if I wasn't so hormoned up. My RN told me slow and steady is good. She reassured me that things are going well and told me to stay positive. She told me that Thursday we will be able to see more. 

I hope she walked out of the room and punch the APN in the throat. 

Okay, okay- maybe that's another hair tie moment. In stead I hope maybe she explained to the APN that women like me need to just know that its okay. Maybe she was able to use it as a teaching moment and maybe the next women that walks in the office has a better experience with that APN.

I return Thursday for another scan and I really hope to see some growth. I have had cycles in the past where I stimmed for many many many days and had no growth and then all of a sudden they caught up. So maybe that is the case this time. Also- Thursday means one of my favorite APN and Doctor combos are in the office and I don't have to see the APN I saw today.

So I'm just not sure how I feel. I feel like I could burst into tears instantaneously, but I'm not sure why I would be crying. I feel happy that there are 12 little follicles working and growing inside me. I feel excited that things are going okay. I feel discouraged that the APN wasn't what I was looking for. I feel encouraged because of my RN who lifted my spirits. 

I feel like I want a nap and a Hershey Kiss. 

As an update to side effects- my belly has started to bruise a lot. I'm not sure if I hit a blood vessel or just a super sensitive spot last night, but what are normally small little bruises are giant big ugly bruises. My breast a super tender and I swear a cup size larger. My belly feels tender as well and if you would have asked me which ovary was being an overachiever before my scan I would have said the left side because I swear I can feel it expanding in there.

All in all these are things I can totally deal with and I am in no way, shape, or form complaining.

Thursday will be better. Thursday I will have a better experience and will know more and my nurses and doctors and APN's will be understanding and caring. Thursday will be better.

29 comments:

  1. Thursday will be great too!!! Sorry for all the bruising you are experiencing! Praying for you girl!

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  2. Um, completely unacceptable on the APN's part. It's your money and YOUR time, and you do deserve sensitivity throughout this process. I'm sure everything seemed just fine to her, which is why she didn't bother saying much of anything. Don't let that deter you from staying positive and hopeful for all the amazing things happening in there. So glad the other, much kinder, nurse reassured you. 12 follies is great!

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    1. She was a big ol' jerk today. Thank you Emily! 12 follies is great and I need to focus on that for sure!

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  3. Sore stomach is normal... or at least I had one too, so don't stress. I also bruised one day and not the other. It was weird. And I swear, my boobs have NEVER hurt this bad... never. It's been about 10 days now and anything touching them is painful.

    It sounds like everything is growing evenly, so that's great! And they are seeing you often, so that's really good too! Hang in there! Cry if you feel like it (even if there is no reason) and grab a bag of Kisses!

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    1. Im okay with the aches and pains truly. That doesn't even phase me. Its more so the unknown that stresses me. I think a good cry will help for sure!

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  4. I will be praying for a great Thursday! The emotions are so difficult sometimes and what helped me through was picturing our future baby in my mind. It would always give me a moment of calm. I hope that the bruising gets better!

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    1. That's a wonderful idea. I need to just keep picturing the outcome and not let the possibilities get to me. Thank you!

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  5. I'm so sorry the APN was such a jerk. How can someone in this field NOT understand the anxiety and stress of going through this process. And for me the unknown is worse than bad news. Just tell it to me straight even if it's not good. I"m so thankful for your nurse and her reassurance! Hang in there. You are right - Thursday will be better and you will get some great news! Praying for you!

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    1. Im the same way. I just want to know which emotion I should be preparing for. Joy or refilling with hope for another go. Thursday definitely will be better!

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  6. slow and steady wins the race ;) Try not to let your feelings get the best of ya (so hard to do...ugh) and remain hopeful and full of faith. Faith is based on your sixth sense...the one that can't see, smell, taste, touch or hear. Believe in all possibilities and that God is working on your behalf even if you can't see or hear any progress! Praying for ya girlie!!

    waitingforbabybird.com

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    1. Thank you Elisha! You are so right. The only one truly in control here is God anyway. I need to just let it be and know that he is in control. Thank you for that <3

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  7. The manner of the staff makes such a difference. Those who treat you with a human touch make such a difference in the day. Hoping that things continue to go well. xo

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    1. Thank you and you are so right. If she would have taken just an extra moment to calm my fears I'm sure I would have felt better.

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  8. That nurse needs a few lessons in bedside manner.I understand exactly how you would feel. You're stressed out, hormonal, and anxious. she should have communicated better with you. If you need a good cry, just have one. Sometimes it makes all the difference to let out the stress. Wishing you the best for your next scan.

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    1. Thank you! I think I will write up something on their website. She should have taken a moment to tell me it was okay.

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  9. Ugh. So sorry that the APN was so cold and insensitive. That could totally taint an experience. I am happy for you that the follicles are growing steadily and evenly. Let's focus on Thursday and what good news it will bring. Thinking of you.

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    1. Your so right- Thursday will be better no doubt :)

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  10. Aww I am so sorry that there was not more empathy from the apn. I know all too well what a drag the hormones can be and how crazy they can make you feel. Thursday will be awesome! Can't wait for an update!

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    1. Hormones suck! I can't wait till tomorrow! Hope you are well Charity!

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  11. All too often the medical staff at the RE clinics aren't very comforting when you have concerns. Usually you do stay at the same dosage unless your blood work shows that you need to change the dosage. 12 follicles is a good number!

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    1. I've always had fluctuations in my medications with my IUIs but so far I'm at the same doses. I don't think I would have been concerned if she would just have taken the time to tell me it was going okay.

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  12. Ugh, the smallest things the nurse says and does makes such a huge difference. Hoping for your appointment tomorrow to be smooth sailing.

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    1. It went okay today- still no real growth. But this doctor was much better!

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  13. Kasey I couldn't find your email to send you a note but I just wanted to say good luck at the scan today and I'm thinking about you!

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    1. My email is stupidbrokeneggs@gmail.com :) Thank you!! It went better today than Tuesday for sure!

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  14. Oh, Kasey, that APN sounds awful. I'm so glad you ran into the nice RN and I hope she went in there and had a talk with the APN. It's still weird to me that in a medical field where common decency and kindness are needed more than say, at your podiatrist, REs and their staff can sometimes be the worst at bedside manner! I'm thinking of you and hoping that your next monitoring reveals lots of wonderful, growing follicles.

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    1. Thank you! No growth, but a better doctor and a better appt for sure!

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  15. Empathy makes all the difference. The doctor who first told me I was probably miscarrying did so in a way that left me frustrated and anxious and with more questions than answers. The next appointment with my regular doctor may not have had a happy ending, but at least he was human about it.

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