Friday, November 1, 2013

Doctors Suck -Please Pardon The Anxiety Attack

This is the story of my very craptastic totally awful day and its not even noon yet.. 

Seriously. I mean seriously. 

That is all I got. 

Remember last week when I said that the last few times I had Saturday's IUI's I had to wait until 16 days post IUI for the beta? 

Remember that they told me to come back to the office today? 13 days post IUI to have my Beta this time and I thought "Wow thats earlier than last time" and I double checked to be sure they said "Return on Friday" and they did.... 

Well shizam.

They were wrong. So I showed up today for my beta like I was instructed... TWICE and they said "Oh Kasey you really need to wait until Monday for the beta." 

How come I knew this.. and I double checked stating this, but you still had me return today? 

GET IT TOGETHER PEOPLE! You are the doctors office you told me to return today so I got up early I trudged out in the rain filled with hope and joy and WHAM. The wind gets knocked out of me. 

I get that people make mistakes. I really do.  But while I understand that my heart doesn't feel like being so forgiving in this moment. 

They made me take a HPT, and since it was negative (insert image of a deflating balloon here) they wouldn't do the beta. I need to return to the office on Monday and have my beta then if my period doesn't show up. 

Lovely. 

Apparently there is still a slim chance that I can have a baby growing in there. Apparently I need to keep the faith and keep the hope- if its not so apparent I have lost all hope in this cycle.. 

Instead I had a nervous breakdown leaving the doctors office. It was the longest elevator ride to the bottom floor ever. The tears were silently rolling down my cheek until I got into my car and started full blown sobbing and proceeded to have a full blown anxiety attack. It was ugly I'm mad and angry and pissed. 

I got nothing left to give today, but somehow I have to pull myself together and go to a wedding and be all happy and bubbly. 

I can actually feel the end of this cycle drawing near. I know I should keep the hope and all that other happy crap that the optimist inside of me is saying I should do, but I am preparing for the inevitable. Another failed IUI.6 failed IUI's. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think we would end up here. 3 years of TTC. A full year of treatment at the RE and no baby. Not anywhere closer to making my spare bedroom a nursery. 

Im sorry I realize how non uplifting this post is, and sadly I have a feeling this is just a precursor to my pending full blown anxiety attack and pity party. I try to stay as positive as I can.. but today I got nothing left to give. I feel empty and hollow inside and I need to just take a deep breath and pull it together.. 

Blah. Today starts NaNoWriMo. I have a feeling something terribly awful is going to happen in the next chapter of the story I'm writing to fit my lovely mood and the gloomy weather. Stay tuned I'll share an excerpt soon.. 

Oh have I mentioned that they are tearing our ceilings apart even more today. 

Womp Womp. Thank you universe for conspiring against me today... 

25 comments:

  1. UGH stupid RE's office!! That is so frustrating. Hopefully it's not too far out of your way. I know it's just a slim chance, but I'm still hoping for good news Monday <3

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    1. Its not too far just unneeded stress and a early wake up. Thanks for hoping for me when I lost hope myself.

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  2. UGH. I get it but it's all so frustrating. My office ALWAYS waits 16 days till a BETA, unless a HPT shows a BFP first. Then they will let you go early. I'm sorry your day started off this way!

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    1. They always make us wait 15 days, and I should have called and again that morning to reaffirm they needed me to come in. The day did get better :)

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  3. Oh, Kasey, I'm so sorry. What a horrible morning. And your RE's office - come on! What's wrong with them?!?!? I hope something good happens in the rest of your day to at least make it tolerable. Sending hugs.

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    1. My period came which helped alleviate the anxiety as crazy as it sounds it was a good thing. I can get through the rest of the weekend without my nerves being shot..

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  4. Aw Kasey I'm so sorry...I know how devastating that is. We're so out of control in this journey and when it feels the ones who are supposed to be in control aren't even in control...well, it can just be devastating.

    I hope this cycle surprises you, and that things take a positive turn. Let your feelings out into your novel (I'm doing NaNoWrMo as well)...sometimes that's the best way to deal with sad things.

    Sending positive thoughts!

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    1. I wish I could have one ounce of control in this. I wish it took a positive turn too. Cant wait to see your novel! Im having fun writing it and escaping my life into a book in a different way then ever before!

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  5. oh girl, that must be so frustrating!!! sending prayers your way!!! xoxoxo

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    1. Thank you for lifting me up in prayers!

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  6. Aww hugs to you my dear friend!! Thinking of you and praying for you constantly!!

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    1. Thanks Charity I can not wait to hug you in real life! xo

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  7. I am so sorry for those people who don't know what they are talking about! I totally undestand the frustration with that. I pray that your mood will be lifted soon and the beta on Monday will surprise you.

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    1. Thanks my mood was lifted and I feel better and can get through the weekend without any more anxiety

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  8. I'm back to commenting after falling way behind. That sucks so bad that your office messed up. It is totally understandable that you are feeling angry and hopeless. Don't apologize for letting go of those feelings on your blog. I always enjoy your writing, because it comes from the true you. I especially enjoyed reading about your experience with Super Storm Sandy. You are amazing and I truly hope that you will be repaid with a baby. Hugs.

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    1. Aww Marcy thank you. I hate being debbie downer I prefer to try to always take the optimistic road, road the mix up caught me off guard and I lost it. Im doing much better today

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  9. I'm so sorry dear. I have been right where you are and it sucks. And I didn't go through 6 IUI's. Just remember, this isn't the end. It just may mean a different path than you were hoping. None of us wants to follow this heartbreaking road. Thinking of you.
    MissConception

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    1. Your so right a different path is ahead of us we just need to find it

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  10. Sending you a lot of warm thoughts! It's a heavy road but you can make it. Hang in there!

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    1. Thank you sometimes I just don't want to be on this road at all. Other days I know I will make it through.

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  11. So sorry you had to see that negative test staring back at you. HPT's are the worst! There is really no lab in your city that tests on the weekends? Labcorp? No one? I can totally understand not wanting to wait so you can either rejoice or just move on!

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    1. I can go to Lapcorp but then I end up paying more money for the blood work and then an additional appt at the clinic to go over the results. I hate HPTS.

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  12. Like you said, in my comments, I HATE the clinic too. What was that about anyway? I'm so sorry you had to deal with all that (I would have sobbed too) I hope this NaNo takes your mind off things.. unless you're writing about IF. I chose NOT to do that. I wanted to completely get away from that.

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    1. Im so ready for a clinic break. Its like a relationship I need to walk away from for a little while. NaNo is definitely helping I think part of the reason I joined was that I subconsciously knew we were not going to be pregnant and I would need a break. I am writing a bit about IF, but its more about the relationships you have and how they handle it than IF and while I am pulling from my experiences its definitely not about me Im just letting my imagination run wild with it.

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