Rob and I met in March 2007. This is our journey into parenthood- for now its about our struggle TTC however I know that someday there will be stories from a Mama here!
I started the Estrace doses yesterday 2mg 2 times day. One of the side effects is nausea and vomiting-- and guess who's been nauseous and on the verge of vomiting for the last 24+ hours. I'm not really complaining per say- just wasn't expecting it. At first I thought I had succumbed to the stomach bug that seems to be making rounds, but I thought that was strange since I really haven't seen much of the outside world.
Then the feeling past --and then came back with a vengeance this morning- right after I took my Estrace. I went in for my Estradial level check today and sure enough I am probably dealing with the side effects of the Estrace and my body should adjust to the hormones in time.
Yesterday was interesting- the lab called and told us about our embryos that were frozen. It was the very nice lady who called and she said that two were frozen on transfer day and two more were frozen yesterday.
Wait. What.
The Stick told us there were only 4 left and they were waiting until yesterday to freeze whatever wasn't transferred.
So I repeat- what? What in the what?
She told me that what he meant to say was that 2 were being frozen after transfer and they were going to watch 2 more and see if they would be able to freeze them the next day.
Which they did.
I was going to go bonkers on the phone. After all I was on the verge of throwing up and annoyed with this oversight. But instead I chose to be thankful.
Thankful that there were more --not less. Even if I have no idea how someone can look over something like that.
Thankful that God was watching over our embryos and that we now have 4 frozen plus the 2 that are hopefully nestling in tight.
So thats really all here. Some have asked when I plan to test and like normal- I don't know. I may not test at all and just wait for my Beta or I may just test on a whim if I get a feeling.
I also think that I won't be announcing my Beta right away on the blog no matter what the outcome- I think I will wait the weekend.. but yea that could totally change too.
I'm going to eat some ginger and hope the current wave of nausea passes and fill out some cards and goodies to send to some of my lovies <3
Or 1 day post 5 day transfer.. I can't believe we have made it here- Im so incredibly grateful to be here. Thanks for all the love, texts, emails, phone calls, and messages. It felt so wonderful to feel all of your support and prayers wrapping around Rob and I yesterday. So the lo down- My morning started by emptying my bladder and starting to fill it up slowly during the next two hours with 18-20oz of water. Its about an hour drive to our clinic and once we arrived I felt pretty good- it was the delay in the waiting room that made things increasingly uncomfortable. Someone once described having an overfilled bladder as to being a caged animal. Yes. That is super accurate. We were delayed about an hour and I was feeling uncomfortable-- even cranky maybe? The nurses were truly nice and kept asking how I felt- "I know your bladder is okay, are you alright?" Cue me inside my head saying-- "Uhhh I need to peeeeee!" and "Lets just not talk about it" Instead I nodded gently and kept scrolling Facebook and Blogger trying to find things to distract me from my bladders impending explosion. I would have talked to my husband, but men find these types of things humorous. He would joke about running water and I would have out of body experiences of banging his head on the wall. Finally after about an hour delay they pulled me to the back and had me undress from the bottom down. Rob was cute - he wanted to know where my gown was. Ohh dear- no gown just a little paper square buddy. Then they came in to double check that my bladder was full with an ultrasound by placing pressure on my abdomen to check it out. This seemed insulting. I know my bladder is full - trust me- its full. Alas I know they needed to see for themselves. The nurse said fun things like "beautiful bladder" and "looks just perfect"-- cue more out of body experiences!! Then the ultimate out of body experience occurred- the Embryology Manager came in. It was not the nice lady I met during my ER. The lady I trusted our little embabies lives with. This guy was cold and brash and dare I call him a stick. I know to him they are just some embryos -- but to me and my husband they are not only our hopes and dreams of a future, but possibly hopes and dreams for someone else someday too. So when The Stick said that there were 4 left without warning my heart started racing and I wanted to scream. Two days before all 9 were "thriving and doing well". Don't get me wrong I know that normally 50% of the embryos won't make it- so having 4 left isn't that far fetched- but wow we lost 5 in two days. That was a blow I wasn't expecting and why couldn't he have been a little more easy with giving that kind of news. To us 5 of our futures were lost in two nights without warning. He also said they weren't going to freeze until today and there was a chance that more wouldn't make it. That sealed the deal for transferring two for me by the way. He left the room and I just felt crushed. Why couldn't this guy have been nicer with the news. Didn't he know this was supposed to be the most amazing and blissful moment for us. I took a deep breath- grabbed Robs hand- and said a silent prayer to locate my peace and bliss again. I wasn't going to let this man that just looked at our embabies as things he looks over in a lab-- ruin our moment. Our doctor came in and we signed all of our paper work and then began the transfer process. My trial transfer was a nightmare if you recall- so yes I had a lot of anxiety about how this was going to go. We had 1 5AA embryo and 1 3AA embryo- both looked really good, but no pictures (The Stick said they don't do that its not protocol- BLAH) Things did go better than the trial transfer- though still difficult and I was still deviated to the left -but not as severe. We saw them place the embryo's into my uterus and what I thought would be a beautiful moment where I burst into tears really wasn't. That probably sounds like I wasn't happy- I was truly beyond happy and blessed. I just knew if I started crying like I wanted to my bladder would lose control and we would have a bit of mess.. instead I focussed on remaining control and trying to not let the things that went wrong with the day totally taint the experience. We then laid there for 30 minutes post transfer. They offered me a bed pan- explained repeatedly that I wouldn't pee any of the embryos out-- but I really just wanted to pee sitting up in the bathroom and I figured if I had held it that long I would make it 30 more minutes. And I did. All in all things did not go exactly as I had envisioned-- but isn't that the story of all our lives. I'm still waiting for a phone call to see how many embryos made it to be frozen today. I am praying that its the nice lady from ER and not The Stick. Adi from The Second Bedroom told me that she had heard some women say they were Pregnant Unless Proven Otherwise (PUPO) instead of Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise because it sounded more positive. That's been my theme lately- positivity so here I am PUPO- and I am promising to maintain my positivity throughout the wait. (Hopefully all 40 wks of it :) Hows that for a splash of positivity :) Today is Day 4 of the 90 Day Bible Challenge- Matthew 4:10-12 if you are reading along!
The APN called today to set up our transfer- I was going to give all the particulars, but since some friends and family follow along I will just say its tomorrow. I want to be able to have that time during our transfer to ourselves- just Rob and I and our embabies (and nurses and doctors and techs…) but to not have to field questions until we are good and ready. To not feel like I have to update everyone until I am good and ready to. A lot gets taken away during IF. So I plan to treat our transfer just like the special private (as private as I can make it) moment it can be. The plan- empty my bladder about an hour before we are to arrive and then start to drink my 20oz of water to fill up my bladder. No Crinonine either until after the transfer. Wednesday I will start the Estrace twice daily- once in the morning and once at night. The Crinonine and Estrace will be continued until 10 wks into the pregnancy. Tuesday and Wednesday -and this is a direct quote -" I am to have no responsibilities and to remain laying down or seated whenever possible." No sexual intercourse ,lifting, jogging, horseback riding (hah!), aerobics, bicycling, vacuuming or floor scrubbing (well okay then!), swimming or use of hot tubs. I'm to treat my body as if its pregnant- until proven otherwise- PUPO as the IF Community likes to call it. Some of my very dear friends sent me a ray of sunshine today- Thank you Alexis, Holly, Kelly and Nicole <3 from the bottom of my heart! You guys made me feel so very loved!
How truly beautiful!
There was no update on the embryos today- but I'm choosing to think that all 9 are still thriving otherwise they would have said something. If you are following along in the 90 Day Bible Challenge today was Matthew 4-6 (which I read at 2:30 in the morning- all the way through the entire chapter of Matthew, thank you insomnia!) Tomorrow is Matthew 7-9. I want to share Matthew 5:11-12 from the Easy to Read Version. You see during the wee hours in the morning when I can't sleep I read this version so I can fully understand what I am reading. If you have ever tried to read the Bible before and had difficulty getting through the language and text I highly recommend the ERV version. 11“People will insult you and hurt you. They will lie and say all kinds of evil things about you because you follow me. But when they do that, know that great blessings belong to you. 12Be happy about it. Be very glad because you have a great reward waiting for you in heaven. People did these same bad things to the prophets who lived before you.
So on the eve of a big day for us as a family- and creating a family- we Walk by Faith that its all in God's hands from this point out. That we did everything we could and we can trust that He will comfort us no matter what.
Thank you so much for the continued prayers and love! Tomorrow is a big day for us and we are so very excited!
Last night Rob and I had a lovely date night. We went off to Church to listen to a beautiful sermon- but more than that our wonderful friend and her daughter sang last night. There is no doubt that they a so truly blessed. When they sing together I can't help but to fill with emotion. Normally I sing along at Church-- but I never want to miss the sound of their voices so I stay silent when they are up there and just drink them in as they worship together. I can only hope to raise children as our dear friend Kim as raised her daughter and son. To watch them stand and worship and sing together- its beautiful and its so very rare. It was the perfect way for us to pray over our 9 little embryo's. We went to dinner afterwards at a restaurant in Margate called Steven & Cookies- its right on the bay. If you live near South Jersey or ever come to visit- its a beautiful place with fresh food and a wonderful bartender if I do say so. You see my Uncle Bruce has been a bartender there for 17 years- so we sat at the bar and had a wonderful meal and chatted with my Uncle. It truly was a lovely date night out. This morning I received another wonderful update from the embryologist that all 9 of our embryos are still growing and dividing normally. I feel like we are just so blessed. I know how lucky we are -- I have seen a lot of pain in the blogosphere lately and it further cements that we want to donate any of the left over embryo's so women who want to be mothers more than anything in the world can do so through the miracle of embryo adoption. I wish I could send some of my embryo's off to some of you in this moment. I know that they won't be children of your own DNA-- but I do know that they will be YOUR children and loved and cherished more that I could ever imagine. I am going to make EA a platform of mine through this journey and spread the word as far as I can about the miracle that it truly is. Our transfer date has been set for Tuesday - which will be day 5. We don't have a time just yet. They said they would call tomorrow with my instructions and time of transfer. We are so excited to have made it this far. A lot of people have asked us how many we plan to transfer- the true answer is - We just don't truly know yet. Its so hard to say 1 or 2 . I think when we are there and we have to answer that the answer will come to us. I thank so many for you for your stories and input and advise on the matter- please know that I have taken them all to heart, but I just can't reveal our choice yet, because I just don't know for sure. Our Church is doing a B90X Challenge- you can take part of all 3 parts of the challenge or just a single part-- or 2 parts of it.. its up to you. The 3 Challenges- 90 Day Bible Reading Challenge- We'll be reading through the entire New Testament in 90 days 90 Day Serve Challenge- Commit to serving 90 days at the Church 90 Day Tithe Challenge- Commit to give your tithe (10%) for 90 days I am doing the 90 Day Bible Reading Challenge. I am going to be sharing some verses as I read through the challenge. Day 1- Matthew 1-3, I chose a few verses from each chapter that either touched my heart or that I felt compelled to share with you. Matthew 1:20-21
20But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.
21And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS: for he shall save his people from their sins.
Can you imagine a dream like the one Joseph had? That your wife is carrying the Holy Ghost. What the name of your son is? And even more so what he will do with his life- I have had dreams where I feel like Jesus is sending me a message, but never have I had a dream like Joseph's.
Matthew 2:13-16
13And when they were departed, behold, the angel of the Lord appeareth to Joseph in a dream, saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt, and be thou there until I bring thee word: for Herod will seek the young child to destroy him.
14When he arose, he took the young child and his mother by night, and departed into Egypt:
15And was there until the death of Herod: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying, Out of Egypt have I called my son.
16Then Herod, when he saw that he was mocked of the wise men, was exceeding wroth, and sent forth, and slew all the children that were in Bethlehem, and in all the coasts thereof, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had diligently enquired of the wise men.
This verse once again shows Joseph dreaming and listening. I hope that anytime I feel like Jesus is speaking to me in a dream I can be as obedient and trusting as Joseph. If Joseph wouldn't have listened then Herod would have came and killed Jesus in Bethlehem. This verse truly speaks to me- that I should listen when Jesus speaks to me and follow what he is saying.
Matthew 3:16-17
13Then cometh Jesus from Galilee to Jordan unto John, to be baptized of him.
14But John forbad him, saying, I have need to be baptized of thee, and comest thou to me?
15And Jesus answering said unto him, Suffer it to be so now: for thus it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness. Then he suffered him.
16And Jesus, when he was baptized, went up straightway out of the water: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove, and lighting upon him:
17And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.
I just loved this verse. Especially how Matthew describes the Spirit of God descending like a dove and light upon him. "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased."
If reading through the New Testament with me isn't your thing I understand, but if you want to take part feel free to journal along and share what touched you in the verses. Todays Chapters were Matthew 1-3- Tomorrow is Matthew 4-6.
Don't worry I will still be blogging about of journey as well, but part of the challenge is sharing it and journaling it and seeing what God does in our lives as we move through the challenge. I hope you read along with me and please feel free to share what you take away as we read together and how God is changing or working in your life during the 90 days.
I just hung up the phone with the embryologist- ALL 9 are dividing and growing normally!! I truly was bracing myself to hear that a few weren't going to make it through the night, so I am just over the moon that we still have all 9 with us now! Tomorrow would be the earliest transfer day and they told me they are looking good so we will be waiting. We should know more tomorrow! I feel pretty good- yesterday I was very fatigued and a bit sore. Today I only feel a little pressure in the lower abdomen and the fatigue has eased some. I wouldn't go climbing mountains or trekking all over the place today, but I am ready to get some fresh air. I started the Crinonine and Medrol pack today. Crinonine is a form of progesterone and its like a gooey gel. So far I think its going to be messy, but that's why they invented panty liners. Tonight Rob and I are going to have a dinner date. We just haven't decided if our dinner date will be out of the house or in the house. So yay for our 9<3 I also received some lovely gifts in the mail- Elisha from Waiting For Baby Bird sent me a note pad and a beautiful scriptures- Ecclesiastes 3:11 kiv - "He hat made every thing beautiful in His time." Numbers 23:19 - "God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" Thank you so much for thinking of me Elisha! Stand by your mail box my dear- I have something on the way to you as well <3
"We live by faith, not by sight." II Corinthians 5:7
I also ordered something from Etsy - from Soul Cyster Creations- I ordered some extras to send out to a few of you women as well and one for me to wear.
Right now I am holding it extra close to my heart as I wait for continued news on my 9 little ones <3 <3
Yesterday went so very well- they were able to retrieve 14 follicles. Out of the 14 - 12 were mature. Our 12 were split 5 and 7- 5 were ICSI'ed- and out of the 5 -4 fertilized normally. 7 were left to fertilize on their own- 5 fertilized normally. That means we have 9 embryo's this morning!! 9 little ones that are thriving as of today :) <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I feel pretty good today. My abdomen is sore, but not awful. The bloating is going away- I've been drinking plenty of Gatorade and Water (I mix them 1/2 and 1/2 I don't like the taste of 100% Gatorade). Yesterday went so smoothly- we arrived at 10:30 and signed in. They took me right back and I changed into a gown in a small room. They provided me with a fleece blanket which I got to keep and take home with me. Then the anesthesiologist came in and started my line. They escorted me to the bathroom to empty my bladder completely and then the embryologist came in. She told us that she would be handling our embryo's and was available at anytime. She was super sweet and I was so glad she came in to meet us beforehand. Then the doctor came in and went over the plan. Then they escorted me to the surgery room where I was assisted into the stirrups and then given the medication to go to sleep. I remember telling the anesthesiologist that I wish I could have a hit of that medication every night so I could sleep soundly. Then the next thing I knew I was in a recovery room and Rob was there with me. The first thing I remember him saying was that I have morning breath. How sweet LOL. Then I asked how many they retrieved and he told me I must still be out of it because I had already had a conversation with the doctors and nurses a few times about it. Then he told me 14 and that the doctor said that was the best for the day so far. A nurse came in to check my vitals and gave me another blanket because I was freezing. They gave me Zofran to help ease the nausea and then apple juice and crackers. Then I had to void my bladder and the doctor came in again to let me know that they would call me today with the fertilization rate. The ride home was a bit iffy- we live about an hour away and during the ride I felt very nauseous and dizzy so I just laid back. When I got home I went upstairs and cuddled into bed for a few hour nap. My best friend brought us dinner and my God son made me cookies with Mickey Mouse on them because he knows how much I love Mickey <3 ((Sooooo stinking sweet)) I was given more Zofran and Percocet for the pain. I took one last night before bed and woke up this morning feeling pretty good. Right now I just have some mild pain and I feel pretty tired. I think its a wonderful day to nap and do nothing. Tomorrow I will start the Crinonine and Medrol pack. Thank you all for your prayers and for checking in on me <3 I can't wait to hear how our 9 make out through the night! For now I'm off to nap-- because that's what my body is saying it needs right now and I'm going to listen to it <3
I'm blogging live from our ride home from our Egg Retreival... On my phone and fresh out of anesthesia. Don't mind the spelling errors or anything that isn't exactly English. 14. That's the number retreived today :) Rob had a good sample though I don't recall exactly what his numbers were. My embryologist will call in the morning with our fertilization rate. We are doing half ICSI. I feel pretty good- sore with some spotting and drowsy and a little dizzy - but all things considered I feel well. I'll give a better recount of today tomorrow. For now please pray for my 14 to become little embabies and that I continue to recover throughout the day!
Happy ICLW! It's International Commenting Week so welcome to anyone who has never visited before. No lurking allowed this week be sure to stop on in and leave a comment and the address for your blog- I'll be sure to stop by and visit too!
Rob and I are in the midst of our first (and fingers crossed only) IVF cycle after 6 failed IUI's and over three years of TTC. Tomorrow is our egg retreival day and we are filled with so much hope for the things that are yet to come.
That doesn't mean we haven't had our times of despair and sorrow. I surely have cried enough tears during this journey- but for right now we are doing our very best to surround ourselves with positive thoughts.
I wanted to share this video on Egg Retrieval. It's helped ease some of my fears about tomorrow.
I should mention this is not my clinic- just a video I found online, but they do a wonderful job of explaining the procedure in a short amount of time without too much medical jargon to cloud the point.
Basically we will arrive at 10:30 am and they will prep me for anesthesia. I was told to wear my warmest socks (which I bought a week or so ago-- those big shea socks with all the fuzzy stuff on the inside) and comfy clothing. I was advised not to wear any jewerly, no make up, no hairspray or perfume, and no nail polish.
They advised me that the procedure itself shouldn't take much more than 30 mins to 60 mins depending on how many follicles are there and there accecibility. Afterwards I can expect to be there another 30 mins to 60 mins depending on how I recover from the anesthesia.
If the past is an indicator I should pack a bucket, because almost ever instance where I have gone under I wake up and then puke a short while after. Rob has taken off all of tomorrow since he will need to be there not only to drive me there, but to contribute his part in this as well. He also took off on Friday so that I can take it easy for the day.
For today I plan to hydrate properly and eat a later then normal dinner since I will under go anesthesia tomorrow morning and can not eat after midnight tonight. I think I am going to be so excited I won't even notice that I missed my morning coffee.
I hope to update you all tomorrow once I am feeling up to it about how many eggs were retreived, but if not I surely will update you all by Friday.
On Friday the embryologist should call and update with the number of embryo's and hopefully schedule our transfer day. My clinic does 3-5 day transfers- so Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday could all be possible transfer dates.
My only plan for the weekend is to head to Church either Saturday night or Sunday depending on what our transfer day will be and continue to thank God for all that he has provided during this journey.
Thank you all for your well wishes and prayers- I truly feel blessed to have such an amazing support system to lean on during this journey.
I truly can not wait for my next update to you all!
Everything went great today- I have 10 follicles that should be mature enough to have eggs once retrieved, with the chance of a few more catching up also being possible. That was our goal- so I feel very good. I feel like my body pulled through.
Tonight I will do a double trigger shot of Ovidrel and 450 IU of Gonal-F for the last push to mature the eggs at 10:30 pm. I will also start a Z-pack today. Menopur and Ganirelex are discontinued at this point.
At midnight tomorrow night I will be NPO (nothing by mouth..) and then Thursday we should arrive at the IVF clinic at 10:30 to prep me for retrieval. Tomorrow I will explain more about the actual retrieval process.
Today I'm feeling all kinds of emotions all at once- peace, excitement, nervousness, happy.. I'm just so very ready :)
We are suppose to get hit with a snow storm today into tonight- 8-12 inches planned to fall. I already hit the grocery store after my appointment today and grabbed some goodies to get us through not only the storm but the weekend so I can relax as long as need be and not have to worry about it.
I feel like we are all set and ready and things are coming together perfectly.I really can't wait till we get to hear about how our embryo's are growing. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts during this entire process. I still feel pretty good physically and my only complaint is the overwhelming fatigue. However I will take the fatigue ten times over if it means a healthy baby at the end of all of this.
Yesterday the women of my church met and at the end we all prayed for different things in one an-others lives. As my good friend prayed over me and my body and the journey that we have been on the tears started to fall from my eyes and I couldn't hold in the sadness. It felt so good to release anything I had been holding in.
There was more there though than sadness. Listening to my friend pray this beautiful prayer over me helped bring me even more peace-- and even though I was outwardly crying inwardly I could feel the love wrapping around me.
To hear someone who has watched you on your journey pray for you and speak over you from their point of view is a beautiful thing. I think often times we are our own worst critics. We see our very worst moments on the highlight reels-- but other's don't see that in us. To hear a different highlight reel-- to hear her pray over me and to have these women hold onto me tightly as I cried-- it was a perfect moment.
My friend said this- "What happens when we cry to our Daddy's? We normally get what we need to make us feel better. Crying to our Father in Heaven surely means he will help to heal those tears. He hears you. He is going to give you comfort."
I know that God doesn't always answer prayers exactly how we see fit. Typically God answers prayers by opening other doors or presenting things to us in a different light.
I can't help but think that he has been answering my prayers while building my faith during this journey-- just not the way I thought he would. I thought we would have a baby by now- that's what I prayed for after all, but instead we have developed friend ships and relationships that would have never came to us if we hadn't been on this journey.
Our baby has been prayed over time and time and time again. Our baby is already loved by so many people and so incredibly blessed. And our baby is not even here on this earth yet. That is a beautiful thing.
During this journey our faith has been tested and instead of turning away we have set off to make our faith stronger. My goal for this year isn't to become a mother- its to continue to become a stronger Christian. To become a strong Christian Wife. And then ultimately become a strong Christian Mother.
If it wasn't for this journey I'm not sure if those would have been my goals. This journey has given me so much hope. So much love. So many friendships. And while there were certainly moments where I cried out why. Now I understand the answers to that. If he would have answered all those prayers -- if IUI 1 would have worked or we were able to conceive on our own-- we wouldn't have been on this journey. We wouldn't be here.
I wouldn't have met all of you.
It wouldn't be this baby, because I truly feel like our baby is here this time.
And if this isn't the answer yet-- God will show me why and when. If he has something else planned someday I will understand.
For now- I stay in a place of total peace and understanding. For now I pray for the doctors and nurses who preform my surgery to have steady hands and retrieve my follicles without too much effort. I pray that our embryos grow healthy and strong and that the embryologist watches over them all just as their Mother would. I pray that God watches over Rob and I during this all and keeps us wrapped safely in his arms.
I'll leave you with a line to a Garth Brooks song--
"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers!"
Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes for the loss of my friend Kevin. I will be sure his spirit lives on with me always. Death sadly is a part of life and while we grieve here on earth I know that he is watching over all of us and completely at peace. It's knowing that which helps me to remember him with a smile on my face <3 Today is a very good day- I just returned from the RE's- I have continued growth in almost all my follicles. The average size is around 18mm right now with some at 20mm and some around 13mm and a few scattered in between. My lining is at 12mm!! (Woot!) Tonight I will stim for hopefully the last night with my Gonal-F upped to 300 IU, Menopur 225 IU, Dexamethasone .25 and Ganirelex 225 mcg. The hope is that upping the Gonal-F will help give some of the smaller follicles a little bump and a chance at being mature. The hope is to retrieve over 10 mature eggs and we are pretty close to that right now. I return for another scan tomorrow and my retrieval should be on Thursday. It's not set in stone just yet, but Dr. V sounded pretty confident in it. I'm still feeling pretty good and I'm excited as we move forward. It's been a long journey to get to this point of utter peace. I know that my doctors are doing their very best. I know that my body is doing its very best. And I know that the rest is truly up to God.
Good things really are coming :) I can feel it and I'm choosing to stay positive and not think about any other outcome other than being pregnant as we move forward<3 I know that being so positive could set me up for a fall if things don't go as planned-- but life is like that. You never know what the very next moment will bring and I am choosing to live in hope that good things are coming. That the best is yet to come.
I have so much going on in my head that I need to spill forth so if this is everywhere all at once I apologize for the roller coaster.
Lets start with the good-
I have my follicle scan yesterday. There are still 12 follicles growing, and there may be more that they cant see because my left ovary is in a difficult spot to view behind my uterus. They are still growing small most right around 12 mm right now, but they are growing together and that is a good thing.
My lining is also at 9mm which is really good and by the time we get to transfer it should certainly be into the double digits which is an amazing lining to place a little embryo snugly into.
I still don't have a retrieval date. I go for another scan on Monday and they said we should be able to set up a retrieval day at that point. My doctor yesterday thinks Wednesday or Thursday. Either way I am so ready. I'm continuing with 225 Gonal-F, 225 Menopur, and Ganirelex along with .25 Dexemethesone.
My best friend was able to come with me to my appointment and we did some shopping afterwards and share a lovely lunch. I bought a new outfit, which essentially is sweat pants and thermal shirts. My idea was to be warm and comfy for my retrieval. While in line a woman who was obviously pregnant was behind us. I took that as a good sign instead of viewing it as something bad. While checking out the cashier also commented that the clothes were super soft- which was key in my choosing them so I think that was also a win.
Crush from Finding Nemo! He's so cool :)
I also went to Vikki Secret and bought new under wear. I found undies with turtles on them. Many of you, I am sure, are familiar with turtles as a sign of fertility. I also have a certain affinity for turtles. I thought it was awesome when the cashier commented on my turtle under wear. I just took all the little things as signs that things are going just how they are supposed to!
Squirt from Finding Nemo! I hope to be growing my own little squirt soon:)
So that was the good. Everything with our IVF is moving forward- albeit slowly- but continuing in forward motion. Thank you for all of your continued support and prayers for our cycle. I feel like this is it- I feel positive and happy. I feel like we are in the right place for us right now. Other than the fatigue and bloat I do not feel bad at all. Things are going so well. Now for the bad- A long time coworker and a true friend was found dead at the age of 42 yesterday morning. Kevin J. Seybold was a paramedic for NJ -Medic 2335 and a Fire Fighter for the City of Camden. Kevin was more than that though- Kevin was a father to his beautiful, young daughter Taylor. Kevin was a God Father, Brother, Cousin, Uncle.... Kevin devoted his life selflessly towards others. Long after Kevin left working at the same company as I do he kept up with my life. He would always check in on me, make sure I was healthy, happy, and well.
RIP Kevin J Seybold
My heart truly broke with the news yesterday. He's so young. He had so much more to give. Apparently Kev hadn't been feeling well for a few days and yesterday he didn't show up for work- which is not like him- so they sent a friend and coworker to his home where they found him dead at home. I know that he isn't in pain any longer. I know that he is looking down on all of us and willing us to stop our crying. I know that Kevin saved lives during his time here on earth and I know that Kevin will continue to inspire us long after he is gone. Kevin - I hope you can see how many people you have impacted. I hope you know that your spirit and your ability to always make us laugh will live on in all of us.
God needed another Fire Fighter
So its been a difficult weekend. I've had wonderful moments this weekend, but they are so clouded with my grief. This is the the fourth coworker in less than a year that we have had a lay to rest. Its a sad remember than as we all quest for life-- death continues on as well. Our lives are not guaranteed here on this earth. Its so important to cherish what we have-- you just do not know what tomorrow will bring.
Still 12 little follies- still all right about 10mm. Still no real growth there.
Thankfully my uterine lining is at 8mm T/L, which is pretty wonderful.
My Menopur has been upped to 225 IU with 225 IU Gonal-F and I will start the Ganirelix tonight.
The Menopur being upped should help pump those follies up into overdrive and get them growing. Also the last time I took 225 IU Menopur my lining responding amazing going into double digits.
The Ganirelix will help to keep my body from ovulating since we need these little follies to get bigger.
I return on Saturday for another check.
If you could pray for some growth and/or do the follie growth dance that would be lovely :)
I know they can grow. I've been down this road before where I was just slow to respond. I know they will grow, they just need a little bit of time.
My best friend is trying to get off Saturday since Rob will be in a class all day. We're going to try to make a day of it since I have to go to the farther away office. I plan on stopping at the stores up there and finding a retrieval and transfer outfit. I want something with give in the waist since that seems to be ever expanding and something bright and cheerful to help keep my mood up.
With continued side effects the fatigue has really set in. After a few errands I am completely wiped out. I'm so thankful I am only working 36 hours a week right now, because I have no doubt I would be drooling on myself if I had to work anything more.
Finally- On my way home Natalie Grant's - Hurricane was playing and I couldn't help but compare IVF to a hurricane. You feel like you are just blowing about in the wind…
I just returned from the doctors and Rob just asked me if they were encouraged or concerned- and the answer to that question is- "I'm just not sure."
My follicle scan showed 7 follicles under 10mm on the right ovary and 5 follicles under 10mm on the left ovary. The thing is Friday I have 6 follicles under 10mm on each ovary. Don't get me wrong- I'm super content with 7 & 5, but after 4 days of medication I was hoping for a touch of growth. She didn't mention my lining at all. At least not out loud.
I think the real reason I felt so unsure was that I saw an APN I have never seen before. She wasn't very welcoming and she turned the monitor away from me so I couldn't see. I wanted to reach out and turn it back. She also inserted the vaginal probe without warning. Most of my doctors will say- "You'll feel my touch now.." I don't know I guess I really did not like her. At all. I wanted her to just say everything is going well. She really didn't say much of anything. In fact I felt like maybe I was taking up her valuable time today. I think I would have left the appointment with an entire different outlook had I had seen one of the other APN's or Doctors. I don't know exactly what it was-- but I didn't like it.
I've never done this before. How about some words to tell me its going fine. Or I am doing well. Instead she just said continue with the Menopur and Gonal-F at the same doses unless they call and tell me otherwise and hold off on the Ganirellex. I'm hormonal and sad and tired and seriously you are the doctor and you know the emotional toll that this takes on us so how about reaching out and being the doctors. How about telling me things are normal or not normal. Gah. I think that is why I am frustrated most of all.
Thankfully my favorite RN pulled me aside. I think I wear my emotions on my face and I am pretty sure she could see me about to burst into tears. Remember I am on an emotional roller coaster to begin with, so ya I probably would handle news like this a touch better if I wasn't so hormoned up. My RN told me slow and steady is good. She reassured me that things are going well and told me to stay positive. She told me that Thursday we will be able to see more. I hope she walked out of the room and punch the APN in the throat. Okay, okay- maybe that's another hair tie moment. In stead I hope maybe she explained to the APN that women like me need to just know that its okay. Maybe she was able to use it as a teaching moment and maybe the next women that walks in the office has a better experience with that APN.
I return Thursday for another scan and I really hope to see some growth. I have had cycles in the past where I stimmed for many many many days and had no growth and then all of a sudden they caught up. So maybe that is the case this time. Also- Thursday means one of my favorite APN and Doctor combos are in the office and I don't have to see the APN I saw today.
So I'm just not sure how I feel. I feel like I could burst into tears instantaneously, but I'm not sure why I would be crying. I feel happy that there are 12 little follicles working and growing inside me. I feel excited that things are going okay. I feel discouraged that the APN wasn't what I was looking for. I feel encouraged because of my RN who lifted my spirits.
I feel like I want a nap and a Hershey Kiss. As an update to side effects- my belly has started to bruise a lot. I'm not sure if I hit a blood vessel or just a super sensitive spot last night, but what are normally small little bruises are giant big ugly bruises. My breast a super tender and I swear a cup size larger. My belly feels tender as well and if you would have asked me which ovary was being an overachiever before my scan I would have said the left side because I swear I can feel it expanding in there. All in all these are things I can totally deal with and I am in no way, shape, or form complaining.
Thursday will be better. Thursday I will have a better experience and will know more and my nurses and doctors and APN's will be understanding and caring. Thursday will be better.
I'm pretty sure the title says it all- the biggest side effect I have noticed as of now is that my emotions are completely off the charts. I go from the happiest person alive- laughing and joking and smiling to the opposite end of the spectrum and find myself all out crying and in fits of hysterics.
My husband is a saint.At some point in time I am going to give him a present for dealing with me and my emotional craziness- I pray that the gift is a baby and it comes in about 9 months nice and healthy :) <3
Here is the low down on the medications-
I can't decide which one I dislike more this go round. Don't get me wrong- I will take them 100 times over if it means a healthy, happy baby in the end. However, if I am being real-- they do suck. It's not something I would willingly do just for the heck of it.
Menopur- which I have taken in the past is causing the same issues I had in the past. It burns and the gauge on the needle is small so it takes longer to push the medication into the body, which means the burning is prolonged.
Some say to ice the area, however I was advised by my nurse to try to avoid that so that the medication can disperse. I don't like the burning by any means, but I can deal with it so I haven't been icing at all.
Gonal-F - This is the new one for me. The gauge on the needle is larger-- so it hurts much worse when you are inserting it into the skin, however the medication get pushed much faster since it is larger making the experience quicker overall than the Menopur.
I've been doing the Menopur first right now- mainly because I have to mix the Menopur and the Gonal-F I have doses already mixed up. So I burn and then the burning goes away because I stab and the stabbing pain takes over and then its all over and I treat myself with a glass of milk and a Hershey Kiss Cherry Cordial. Nom nom nom.
So for the hormonal rage- Rob and I have come to call them my "Hair Tie Moments"-
On Saturday my Mom text me and asked me if I was working. I was in the midst of tying my hair up since Rob and I were heading out to run errands and it was raining. The second she saw I wasn't working she called me. I ended up leaving my hair tie on the bathroom sink and walking down stairs. When our conversation was over Rob and I left for our errands and I never put my hair up. This normally wouldn't really phase me. Sure I may be a tad annoyed that my hair was blowing all over in the rain, but I wouldn't let it throw everything off.
Well, let me tell you. I was a hot mess. I was so upset that I didn't have this hair tie. I wanted to burst into tears and at that moment I realized I needed to just take a breather and relax it was just a hair tie. Rob and I even laughed over it. Rob told me to- "Chill out Incredible Hulk". So we've been joking and laughing about that since.
On Sunday I text Rob (he was at work) to tell him about my "Hair Tie Moment" of the day. I figure its best to laugh about it. Sunday I went to Church, came home and promptly relaxed by binge watching Roseanne.
Little secret- Roseanne reruns are by far one of my most favorite things, because typically they just make you laugh and laugh and laugh. However, on Sunday they played two episodes that have a serious undertone- One the Conner's are faced with a tornado. Now even though I know that the Conner's survive this natural disaster and go on to live another eight seasons, and even though I've seen this episode every single bit of 100 times I found myself crying my eyes out.
Then of course after that episode Darlene has to have an appendectomy. Goodness me. I was snotting and losing it. What if my kid ever has to have an appendectomy!! Ohhh. Like I said Good Gravy!
I text Rob and told him I was sad about the Conner's life struggles and I knew I was crazy for it. Thankfully he laughed with me about it and no one was harmed in my hormonal fits, but I am sure that this is only the begining. Other than that I feel okay. A bit bloated and crampy, but okay. I go tomorrow for a follicle scan, lining check and blood work. I will be really really happy with 10 eggs for retrieval, but anything over 3 is considered a success and they will move forward with the IVF. Anything over 10 would be amazing. I'm doing my best to stay upbeat and positive no matter what we see tomorrow. Praying that tomorrow we get to see some growth as we move forward in this amazing journey.
