I just love this time of the year. I love to decorate my home. I love to cook for my family and friends and I love to sing along to Christmas carols.
I typically love to address every single one of my Christmas cards. With each card I think of the relationships I have with these people. I pass my finger over my address book and touch on each connection I have made in my life. I take a special moment to pause over everyone as I address their cards. I say a prayer and wish them a blessed New Year. I take a seperate moment to think of those who's addresses stay in my address book- but they have passed on. Sometimes I cry as I think of a life that is gone too soon or as I look at my Grandparents names shouting out at me. Then I take a moment and I talk to them as well. Christmas cards are special to me. Addressing each of those cards means something to me.
I am a crazy hoarder as well- I save every. single. card. Repeating-- if you have sent me a Christmas card -EVER- I have it still. It remains in a box. Why you ask? Because my mom did this because she would say that each person took the time to send you that card and she didn't have it in her to have the cards wind up in the trash bin. As children we would use the Christmas cards in our crafts and make Christmas ornaments. So know if you send me card I keep it always.
Its a big part of the Holiday's for me. Its special.
This year it was the cause of a major meltdown though. As I searched the internet to find the perfect Christmas card to convey exactly what I wanted it to I was continuously confronted with photos of babies and childeren looking adorable and frolicking in the snow and singing our songs of joy- and my heart broke.
Will I ever be able to send a Christmas card to my friends and family with our kids on the front? Why do my Christmas cards always have to have our dog on it? Why. Why. Why.
I melted down at the computer. I cried and I lost it. One of my most favorite traditions tainted by feeling hurt and feeling like my body was letting me down for something else. More pain. More loss.
I honestly grieved over the loss. Writing this all out makes it seem so petty now. I really do beleive there will be babies on those cards next year.
I was able to thwart off my meltdown and make a beautiful card to send and order them. Of course during my meltdown somehow I miscalculated (GROSSLY MISCALCULATED) how many cards I really needed and this morning realized it as I was addressing my cards.
I placed my order for more cards and spent the morning touching each address in my book. I was able to still enjoy my Christmas cards despite my meltdown.
While I do feel happy and positive about this upcoming cycle I still find myself grieving the cycles that have failed in the past. I still cry out for something that I don't have at times. Some days truly are easier than others. I guess life will always be like that- no matter the battle you are fighting- some days are just easier than others.