Mixing Fear with Joy

Today at 16dp5dt my beta was 3300+. Which really is just perfect- if not above the curve. I know you can’t go off of beta’s, but between you and I – I think both of my embabies took and are growing in there. I won’t be sad or disappointed if there is only one- but I just feel like there is a really good chance that there are two.

I thought I was all done with beta's and they would schedule my ultra sound today- but my APN called me and said that they want to done one more beta on Monday. My APN was super sweet- she was so excited to be calling me because no one told her I was pregnant. I thought she was going to cry on the phone- which of course made me cry.

I am kind of a bummed about the return for a 4^th beta- but as long as everything is progressing well its okay.

I am now experiencing food aversions along with the nausea. The baby must be mostly vegetarian because even the thought of most meats is repulsive. I told Rob he had to cook all the meats right now- but even . I had some chicken strips for lunch and those were okay- mainly because someone else cooked it and I didn't have to see it raw, but the idea of raw meat... well blech.

So if you have any wonderful vegetarian dishes I should try that are easy on the stomach- please share :)

Other than that I am focusing on eating well and drinking lots of water to stay hydrated.

I think what I am struggling with most is my fear. It seems to grow daily. I'm doing my best to push all of my fears down. Sometimes I don't think that this is real- that I’m not really pregnant at all and there is some mistake. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in an utter panic - that this is all a dream and that I don’t deserve t his at all. Sometimes when I feel crampy I bolt off to the bathroom expecting to see blood. There are times when I can't breathe because I am so afraid that there won't be a heart beat-- that it’s all a lie or made up. The thoughts just swirl around in my head and I can’t stop them- the best I can do is take a deep breath and attempt to push them away.

Other times I know I am pregnant- Mostly when I am nauseous. I actually welcome nausea right now because it’s reassuring. It reminds me that it’s real and there’s a baby growing that is causing the nausea. Who knew that feeling sick would be so welcoming, but every time I get hit with another wave of nausea I smile and just know that it’s real.

I’m not sure if the fear will ever really go away. Right now I’m afraid that its just not meant to be. That it is some dream in my mind—and then I know once I have my ultrasound and I see the heart beat then I am going to be afraid of not keeping the pregnancy. Once I get out of the safe zone I am going to remember that there really is never a "safe zone". Those bad things do happen all the time to good people. That I have friends that have experienced these awful things.

Fear is such an ugly thing. It robs us of all the good that we could be embracing- and while I work on forgetting the fears and living in the moment I can’t help but feel emotional. I feel emotional for all the other women who know the fear too well. I feel emotional for the Mommy’s with barren arms. I feel emotional that I don’t want to be in their shoes ver. And then I feeling afraid and feeling anything but utter joy. And then I think I may have survivoirs guilt. Why me and not everyone else? Then I feel bad for feeling that and not embracing this blessing even more.

Sometimes I wish that I was naïve. That I didn’t know that babies die; that I didn’t understand things like chemical pregnancies. Other times I try to remember that most babies make it and are born perfectly healthy and happy.

Right now in this moment- I’m a strange mixture of fear and joy. And I am not sure if those feelings will ever subside. But I am trying so hard to focus on joy. Focus on happy.