Thursday, February 13, 2014

Mixing Fear with Joy

Today at 16dp5dt my beta was 3300+. Which really is just perfect- if not above the curve. I know you can’t go off of beta’s, but between you and I – I think both of my embabies took and are growing in there. I won’t be sad or disappointed if there is only one- but I just feel like there is a really good chance that there are two.

I thought I was all done with beta's and they would schedule my ultra sound today- but my APN called me and said that they want to done one more beta on Monday. My APN was super sweet- she was so excited to be calling me because no one told her I was pregnant. I thought she was going to cry on the phone- which of course made me cry.

I am kind of a bummed about the return for a 4th beta- but as long as everything is progressing well its okay.

I am now experiencing food aversions along with the nausea. The baby must be mostly vegetarian because even the thought of most meats is repulsive. I told Rob he had to cook all the meats right now- but even . I had some chicken strips for lunch and those were okay- mainly because someone else cooked it and I didn't have to see it raw, but the idea of raw meat... well blech.

So if you have any wonderful vegetarian dishes I should try that are easy on the stomach- please share :)

Other than that I am focusing on eating well and drinking lots of water to stay hydrated.

I think what I am struggling with most is my fear. It seems to grow daily. I'm doing my best to push all of my fears down. Sometimes I don't think that this is real- that I’m not really pregnant at all and there is some mistake. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in an utter panic - that this is all a dream and that I don’t deserve t his at all. Sometimes when I feel crampy I bolt off to the bathroom expecting to see blood. There are times when I can't breathe because I am so afraid that there won't be a heart beat-- that it’s all a lie or made up. The thoughts just swirl around in my head and I can’t stop them- the best I can do is take a deep breath and attempt to push them away.

Other times I know I am pregnant- Mostly when I am nauseous. I actually welcome nausea right now because it’s reassuring. It reminds me that it’s real and there’s a baby growing that is causing the nausea. Who knew that feeling sick would be so welcoming, but every time I get hit with another wave of nausea I smile and just know that it’s real.

I’m not sure if the fear will ever really go away. Right now I’m afraid that its just not meant to be. That it is some dream in my mind—and then I know once I have my ultrasound and I see the heart beat then I am going to be afraid of not keeping the pregnancy. Once I get out of the safe zone I am going to remember that there really is never a "safe zone". Those bad things do happen all the time to good people. That I have friends that have experienced these awful things.

Fear is such an ugly thing. It robs us of all the good that we could be embracing- and while I work on forgetting the fears and living in the moment I can’t help but feel emotional. I feel emotional for all the other women who know the fear too well. I feel emotional for the Mommy’s with barren arms. I feel emotional that I don’t want to be in their shoes ver. And then I feeling afraid and feeling anything but utter joy. And then I think I may have survivoirs guilt. Why me and not everyone else? Then I feel bad for feeling that and not embracing this blessing even more.

Sometimes I wish that I was naïve. That I didn’t know that babies die; that I didn’t understand things like chemical pregnancies. Other times I try to remember that most babies make it and are born perfectly healthy and happy.

Right now in this moment- I’m a strange mixture of fear and joy. And I am not sure if those feelings will ever subside. But I am trying so hard to focus on joy. Focus on happy.  

30 comments:

  1. Oh dear heart! The fear can be paralyzing at times! I felt the same way when this pregnancy started...every twinge, every cramp sent me to the bathroom expecting to find blood. And now, at 17 weeks, I'm feeling great (no nausea, my energy is back) so then I get worried that the baby's not still there! I guess I'm just trying to say that I totally understand where you're coming from. I could have written most of this post myself. But try to hold on to the hope and faith that your baby/ies are snuggling in for a long ride with you :)
    I heard my baby's heartbeat again today, and it's so amazing and I am praying that you will be able to see and hear your baby/ies heart beats soon.
    Sending you hugs and strength to get through these rough early weeks.

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    1. Thanks Kristine! I think once I do hear a heart beat that some of my fear will dissipate some. At least I really hope so. Thanks for the hugs!

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  2. Very excited to hear if there are twins in there!!!! I will admit that I was a little disappointed that we were not having twins but as long as there is one you will still be elated!

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    1. Me too! I don't think Ill be dissapointed.. its just a feeling I kinda have.

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  3. Twins would be a wonderful blessing! FX they get that u/s scheduled right after Beta #4!

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    1. Yes they would :) We would welcome them with open arms for sure! Im praying they schedule it for next week!

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  4. First off, yay on a great 3rd beta - and I'm with you - I think it's twins! This post is right on - I actually used the term survivor's guilt on a post this week. The fear is awful, but totally normal, not that that makes it any easier. I can tell you that for me, even though there's always some fear there, as time passes, it does become less acute. Living with fear all the time is exhausting and time consuming and as more weeks pass and you jump over the hurdles of heartbeat, screening tests, ultrasounds, you start to feel less fear, more joy and excitement. Do horrible things still happen? Of course. It's always in the back of your mind.... but that's where it belongs - in the back. Hugs. Enjoy that nausea! I'll e-mail you some veg recipes.

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    1. Thanks Megs! Im hopefully that the fear eases some and hearing that it becomes less acute helps a lot. It really is exhausting. Thanks for the recipes!! I cant wait to make them!

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  5. SO exciting!! Can't wait to hear how the 4th one goes :) Keep us updated girl!! I just love these posts :)

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  6. oh this is so exciting! Your numbers are great and the devil knows it so he is trying to ruin this experience and this possibility for you by giving you fear.

    For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Tim 1:7

    The devil is trying to weasle his way into your mind with fear, doubts, worry, anxiety and everything else. Trust God and every time a fearful thought comes in, speak out loud against it. Any time Jesus was tempted, He spoke out loud the written word of God. Find a scripture that means something to you and speak it.

    They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the LORD to care for them. Psalm 112:7






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    1. Thank you Elisha! I so needed this and you are so right! I love that Psalm!! Its perfect for the emotions Im feeling right now.

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  7. I recently read a book that talked about fear. The author said something to the effect of "When we look at God's promises, we see that we have so many more reasons NOT to fear." Praying for you girl! And I know so many more people are, too!

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    1. Thanks Lisa! I need to remember that line. Thanks for the prayers!

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  8. Ohhhh man I can relate to everything you said. The fear, the waking up in a panic, the welcoming nausea. The feeling that there will never be a "safe zone". I'm 6w3d today and we were supposed to have our 2nd ultrasound yesterday but it got cancelled because of the snow. I'm holding my breath till we can get another appt; either squeezed-in this morning or not till Monday morning. Eeek! Good luck! :)

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    1. The panic is the worst. Im so sorry your ultra sound was cancelled thats awful. I hope they reschedule another one for you soon.

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  9. I totally understand the fear - I'm now 25 weeks and it is still there lurking under the surface. Also I cook lots of veggie stuff and have been focusing on foods good for fertility and pregnancy - recipes are on my blog. All the best for your next beta!

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    1. Thanks for the recipes I will check it out! Thank you!

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  10. Oh Kasey I'm so sorry that you haven't been able to shake the fear and anxiety. But you are exactly right when you struggle through infertility one of the many things you lose is the chance to truely enjoy pregnancy. If I ever do become blessed with a positive beta I am 100% positive I will feel exactly how you stated above.

    So that being said your Beta was AWESOME and I know your next one will be right where it should be. One day at a time girl. I am thinking you've got two cooking in there for sure :) Can't wait to hear more.

    I hope that God can bring you some peace and I hope you find comfort in the fact that so many of us are here for you and you and baby(ies) are in our thoughts and prayers!

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    1. Thank you that definitely brings me comfort.

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  11. Congrats on a third great beta (I'm thinking twins!)...I only ever had one beta drawn. I'm 20 weeks pregnant now and still have the fear. At every milestone I thought it would go away but it never did. I think that's because we had a really rough start with LOTS of bleeding. But God has protected this baby and is continuing to protect this baby. I still have blood in my uterus that worries me, but with prayer and giving my worries to God, I've been enjoying this pregnancy (and now feeling the baby move). I can't wait for your first ultrasound when you get to see the tiny flicker of the heartbeat on the screen. If you're anything like me, you will be bawling your eyes out!!

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    1. Thank you I'm packing tissues with us for when we go!

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  12. I'm sorry you have to experience these fears... Hopefully you will feel greater joy than those annoying fears :) CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

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    1. The joy seems to be taking over more and more. Thank you!

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  13. You are going to fall madly in love once you hear the heartbeats and see them in u/s if it is twins. I'm sure there will always be fear, but it will be so outweighed by double the joy. Just think, these kids will have a built in buddy for life. Now that is awesome!

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    1. I'm already so in love. Everyday it grows and that's without hearing or seeing them. My hearts going to burst for sure!

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  14. Twins would be so exciting!! I hope it's twins :) I want boy/girl twins so I always hope it's twins ;) I love that you smile when you get nauseous. That's gratitude, right there. You're amazing!!

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    1. Thanks Adi! I would love boy/girl twins but whatever God blesses us with we will be happy:)

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  15. I am super excited to know what's in there!!! Haha! God has been so good and he will continue to carry you through. This child(ren) will be in perfect health. It's all real! Your are on your journey to motherhood.

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