Friday, December 13, 2013

The Great Christmas Card Meltdown

I just love this time of the year. I love to decorate my home. I love to cook for my family and friends and I love to sing along to Christmas carols.

I typically love to address every single one of my Christmas cards. With each card I think of the relationships I have with these people. I pass my finger over my address book and touch on each connection I have made in my life. I take a special moment to pause over everyone as I address their cards. I say a prayer and wish them a blessed New Year. I take a seperate moment to think of those who's addresses stay in my address book- but they have passed on. Sometimes I cry as I think of a life that is gone too soon or as I look at my Grandparents names shouting out at me. Then I take a moment and I talk to them as well. Christmas cards are special to me. Addressing each of those cards means something to me.

I am a crazy hoarder as well- I save every. single. card. Repeating-- if you have sent me a Christmas card -EVER- I have it still. It remains in a box. Why you ask? Because my mom did this because she would say that each person took the time to send you that card and she didn't have it in her to have the cards wind up in the trash bin. As children we would use the Christmas cards in our crafts and make Christmas ornaments. So know if you send me card  I keep it always.

Its a big part of the Holiday's for me. Its special.

This year it was the cause of a major meltdown though. As I searched the internet to find the perfect Christmas card to convey exactly what I wanted it to I was continuously confronted with photos of babies and childeren looking adorable and frolicking in the snow and singing our songs of joy- and my heart broke.

Will I ever be able to send a Christmas card to my friends and family with our kids on the front? Why do my Christmas cards always have to have our dog on it? Why. Why. Why.

I melted down at the computer. I cried and I lost it. One of my most favorite traditions tainted by feeling hurt and feeling like my body was letting me down for something else. More pain. More loss.

I honestly grieved over the loss. Writing this all out makes it seem so petty now. I really do beleive there will be babies on those cards next year.

I was able to thwart off my meltdown and make a beautiful card to send and order them. Of course during my meltdown somehow I miscalculated (GROSSLY MISCALCULATED) how many cards I really needed and this morning realized it as I was addressing my cards.

I placed my order for more cards and spent the morning touching each address in my book. I was able to still enjoy my Christmas cards despite my meltdown. 

While I do feel happy and positive about this upcoming cycle I still find myself grieving the cycles that have failed in the past. I still cry out for something that I don't have at times. Some days truly are easier than others. I guess life will always be like that- no matter the battle you are fighting- some days are just easier than others.

24 comments:

  1. yes I agree some days are easier than others. Some meltdowns last longer than others :/ I had a two day meltdown this week which is the longest I have had in MONTHS. It's not the holidays that started it...I think just the hormones in general. Have a great weekend!

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    1. Hormones definitely don't help! Some days are just easier days.

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  2. I hear you. I used to love doing cards. I haven't done my own in two years though. It's too depressing thinking about another year of just the 2 of us on the cards. And I feel like they would make people sad to get them. Like "ohhh...yeah...it's still just Matt and Erika...bummer..." And normally I still even love receiving them, but so far this year they've all kinda made me sad. Bah.

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    1. I managed to push through it, but it really was depressing looking at all those happy families and wanting nothing more that our own happy family.

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  3. It's not petty at all. It's hard and it's important to validate those feelings. I wondered the same thing about when and if I'd ever get to put my child on a Christmas card. Fingers crossed for great success in the new year and next year you'll get to have both your fur baby and your child on the Christmas card.

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    1. I think its easier to move past the feelings once you realize exactly why you are having them. If you keep pushing them down then they are bound to resurface.

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  4. My heart hurts for you that you are having one of "those rough days". We certainly all have them. I used to love creating fun, happy Christmas cards, and the two years, I too, have been tainted by infertility and the fact that I still can't send a "family" card like all of my friends and family. Hang in there. A better day is coming. xoxo

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    1. I was able to move through it quickly- but I still want nothing more than to be able to send a family card too.

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  5. You are so right in these feelings, and so many of us share them with you. Hugs to you. I pray next year you will have your own babe on your card.

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  6. So sorry you're having a rough day. Those darn family Christmas cards will get you every time. I think you are so brave for pressing on and so thoughtful to still take the time to personalize your cards that way, despite how you're feeling. One day YOU will be the one sending out a card with a real live child (minus the fur).

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    1. I love to send my cards- even when I was feeling sad about our cards this year- I know so many people will still be happy to receive our cards.

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  7. Thanks for sharing this. I think many of us feel this way, but find it hard to admit. Wishing you guys all the best.

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    1. I'm glad I am not alone in these feelings. I felt so silly staring at all these families and feeling sad for my lack of family, but it was just because I wanted to share my own family with everyone too.

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  8. I too save the Christmas cards and turn them into crafts. I send out Christmas cards with the hope that the person that it reaches remember us. I do usually buy a generic card from a store. This year I went to a little out of the way Christian store to buy the cards.

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    1. I love crafting with my cards. It fun to look at them years later and see how different families have celebrated each year.

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  9. It's going to sound odd, considering I'm on the other side of the fence...but I totally relate to this post. Hugs!

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    1. I think that no matter where you are in your journey certain things will always hurt you or be sensitive to you. Hugs!

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  10. This is the third Christmas that my husband and I have hoped would be the last we would spend just the two of us. And so I haven't sent a Christmas card since before we started trying -- three Christmases ago. I, too, will be undergoing IVF in January, and I'm hoping this Christmas is the last one that I have to 'hope.' Here's to a much, much more joyful 2014!

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    1. Wishing you the best on your IVF! I hope this is our last one too!!

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  11. I'm so sorry for your tough day. I know how you feel about the holidays cards...I just wrote a post about earlier this morning. I hope you can get back to a place of finding joy for your holiday traditions. Hugs

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    1. Im sorry you went through these feelings too. I was able to get back to my happy place after pushing through the emotions. It really is a roller coaster some days.

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  12. Ouch. The pain and grief for what we don't have is so very real and pops up all the time. Hope your weekend was filled with easier days.

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    1. I wonder if those with kids easily ever have a passing thought of those who don't get to send out family cards yet. My weekend definitely got better :)

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