1DP5DT

Or 1 day post 5 day transfer.. 

I can't believe we have made it here- Im so incredibly grateful to be here. Thanks for all the love, texts, emails, phone calls, and messages. It felt so wonderful to feel all of your support and prayers wrapping around Rob and I yesterday. 

So the lo down- 

My morning started by emptying my bladder and starting to fill it up slowly during the next two hours with 18-20oz of water. Its about an hour drive to our clinic and once we arrived I felt pretty good- it was the delay in the waiting room that made things increasingly uncomfortable. Someone once described having an overfilled bladder as to being a caged animal. Yes. That is super accurate. 

We were delayed about an hour and I was feeling uncomfortable-- even cranky maybe? The nurses were truly nice and kept asking how I felt- "I know your bladder is okay, are you alright?" 

Cue me inside my head saying-- "Uhhh I need to peeeeee!" and "Lets just not talk about it" 

Instead I nodded gently and kept scrolling Facebook and Blogger trying to find things to distract me from my bladders impending explosion. I would have talked to my husband, but men find these types of things humorous. He would joke about running water and I would have out of body experiences of banging his head on the wall. 

Finally after about an hour delay they pulled me to the back and had me undress from the bottom down. Rob was cute - he wanted to know where my gown was. Ohh dear- no gown just a little paper square buddy. 

Then they came in to double check that my bladder was full with an ultrasound by placing pressure on my abdomen to check it out. This seemed insulting. I know my bladder is full - trust me- its full. Alas I know they needed to see for themselves. 

The nurse said fun things like "beautiful bladder" and "looks just perfect"-- cue more out of body experiences!! 

Then the ultimate out of body experience occurred- the Embryology Manager came in. It was not the nice lady I met during my ER. The lady I trusted our little embabies lives with. This guy was cold and brash and dare I call him a stick. 

I know to him they are just some embryos -- but to me and my husband they are not only our hopes and dreams of a future, but possibly hopes and dreams for someone else someday too. So when The Stick said that there were 4 left without warning my heart started racing and I wanted to scream. 

Two days before all 9 were "thriving and doing well". Don't get me wrong I know that normally 50% of the embryos won't make it- so having 4 left isn't that far fetched- but wow we lost 5 in two days. That was a blow I wasn't expecting and why couldn't he have been a little more easy with giving that kind of news. To us 5 of our futures were lost in two nights without warning. He also said they weren't going to freeze until today and there was a chance that more wouldn't make it. 

That sealed the deal for transferring two for me by the way. He left the room and I just felt crushed. Why couldn't this guy have been nicer with the news. Didn't he know this was supposed to be the most amazing and blissful moment for us. 

I took a deep breath- grabbed Robs hand- and said a silent prayer to locate my peace and bliss again. I wasn't going to let this man that just looked at our embabies as things he looks over in a lab-- ruin our moment. 

Our doctor came in and we signed all of our paper work and then began the transfer process. My trial transfer was a nightmare if you recall- so yes I had a lot of anxiety about how this was going to go. We had 1 5AA embryo and 1 3AA embryo- both looked really good, but no pictures (The Stick said they don't do that its not protocol- BLAH) 

Things did go better than the trial transfer- though still difficult and I was still deviated to the left -but not as severe. We saw them place the embryo's into my uterus and what I thought would be a beautiful moment where I burst into tears really wasn't. 

That probably sounds like I wasn't happy- I was truly beyond happy and blessed. I just knew if I started crying like I wanted to my bladder would lose control and we would have a bit of mess.. instead I focussed on remaining control and trying to not let the things that went wrong with the day totally taint the experience. 

We then laid there for 30 minutes post transfer. They offered me a bed pan- explained repeatedly that I wouldn't pee any of the embryos out-- but I really just wanted to pee sitting up in the bathroom and I figured if I had held it that long I would make it 30 more minutes. And I did. 

All in all things did not go exactly as I had envisioned-- but isn't that the story of all our lives. I'm still waiting for a phone call to see how many embryos made it to be frozen today. I am praying that its the nice lady from ER and not The Stick. 

Adi from The Second Bedroom told me that she had heard some women say they were Pregnant Unless Proven Otherwise (PUPO) instead of Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise because it sounded more positive. 

That's been my theme lately- positivity so here I am PUPO- and I am promising to maintain my positivity throughout the wait. (Hopefully all 40 wks of it :) 

Hows that for a splash of positivity :) 

Today is Day 4 of the 90 Day Bible Challenge- Matthew 4:10-12  if you are reading along!