Beta # 2 & Sweet Friends

Things are going really-really well. Today was Beta # 2 at 13dp5dt and it was 1,125 with a doubling time of 51.62 hours. Which is perfect. Normal doubling times in early pregnancy are between 31 & 72 hours and I fall nicely right in the middle there. My next Beta is Thursday. 

Every night Rob kisses my belly goodnight. He's calling the baby a boy- when I said you know it could be a girl too right- he told me to just let him call the baby a boy now. Then he told the dog (ya we talk to the dog in our house-- alot! LOL) that if its a girl he's in so much trouble. 

He said a baby girl will be wrapped firmly around his fingers. So very true. So for now its baby boy. 

I know that its against what I should do-- with all that could go wrong we're supposed to wait until its "safe" to tell people your pregnant. But, I can't help myself. When someone asks me how things are going I tell them. Then I get giddy and excited all over again.. and I'm not going to apologize for it. I also don't plan on shouting it from the roof tops- but we waited so long to say we were pregnant- I don't think I can keep this secret for very long at all.

This baby is our miracle and no matter how long He's with us I want to rejoice in his life and celebrate this moment. I want to give glory to God for allowing me this time. I want to be excited and live without fear. 

That doesn't mean I don't have my moments where I am struck by fear and panic. Where I am scared breathless and awake from a soundless sleep fearing the very worst. I am human- I'm just doing my best to pray through those moments and live in the moment and hope for the very best. 

I've gotten some wonderful gifts this last week- Elisha from Waiting for Baby Bird sent me A Seed of Hope God's Promises of Fertility- a daily devotional. Which is so inspiring and fills me with hope every single time I open it. She also sent me a Valentine's gift. It's filled with little Tootsie Rolls which are just the perfect little sweet treat. Elisha thank you so much for being such a sweet friend!! 

  

One of my sweet friends also sent me Gin-Gin's for my nausea. They are sticky little ginger candies (which are all natural and gluten free). I've been biting off half a candy and chewing on it until the nausea passes. 

I spent the morning planning out our Disney Dining Reservations and looking up show times. I want to see shows I haven't seen before since I won't be able to ride my favorite rides-- trust me this is a dream come true and I am not complaining. I'm super excited to get to say that I can't ride something because I'm pregnant. I'm also excited to explore some shows and things in Disney I may have over looked in the passed. 

I also ordered maternity shorts. Sayyyyy what?? Yup. I am bloated and swollen and there is no way last years shorts are going to fit me during our trip- and I was not buying the next size up to not be able to wear them this summer either-- so I took a deep breath-- prayed for the very best and ordered them. How's  that for faith that everything is going to be just fine. 

While in Disney we plan on telling Rob's parents and Sister since we are all going together. We want to tell my parents the day before we leave too. Everyone deserves to be happy with us-- at least that's our motto. 

I bought these wooden blocks from Etsy and plan to package them up with a picture frame of the ultrasound photo. Our first ultra sound is suppose to be right before we leave so I am praying everything stays as planned and no forks are thrown in the road. 

For my parents we are going  to stop over and tell them we want to leave them a key before we go just in case there are any issues at the house. Then we will give them  their package. For Rob's parents we plan to give it to them at dinner the first night in Disney. 

I'm excited- I can't wait to see everyone's faces. 

I'm also excited because I'm going to be passing some of my left over friends to a sweet sweet blog friend who will be starting her own IVF journey shortly. Not only am I so happy to be able to hand these medications over to someone who can use them and deserves them- but I can't wait to see her smiling face and give her a hug and pray with her and for her this coming weekend <3 xo

I'll leave you with this line from the card Elisha sent me- this scripture is perfect because I am continuing to trust in the Lord and I am also studying Luke right now as part of the 90 day Bible Challenge.

"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!" - Luke 1:45


 

 

Today Is A Good Day!

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes for the loss of my friend Kevin. I will be sure his spirit lives on with me always. Death sadly is a part of life and while we grieve here on earth I know that he is watching over all of us and completely at peace. It's knowing that which helps me to remember him with a smile on my face <3

Today is a very good day- I just returned from the RE's- I have continued growth in almost all my follicles. The average size is around 18mm right now with some at 20mm and some around 13mm and a few scattered in between. 

My lining is at 12mm!! (Woot!) 

Tonight I will stim for hopefully the last night with my Gonal-F upped to 300 IU, Menopur 225 IU, Dexamethasone .25 and Ganirelex 225 mcg. 

The hope is that upping the Gonal-F will help give some of the smaller follicles a little bump and a chance at being mature. The hope is to retrieve over 10 mature eggs and we are pretty close to that right now.

I return for another scan tomorrow and my retrieval should be on Thursday. It's not set in stone just yet, but Dr. V sounded pretty confident in it. 

I'm still feeling pretty good and I'm excited as we move forward. It's been a long journey to get to this point of utter peace. I know that my doctors are doing their very best. I know that my body is doing its very best. And I know that the rest is truly up to God. 

Good things really are coming :) I can feel it and I'm choosing to stay positive and not think about any other outcome other than being pregnant as we move forward<3 I know that being so positive could set me up for a fall if things don't go as planned-- but life is like that. You never know what the very next moment will bring and I am choosing to live in hope that good things are coming. 

That the best is yet to come. 

My Hair Tie Moments

I'm pretty sure the title says it all- the biggest side effect I have noticed as of now is that my emotions are completely off the charts. I go from the happiest person alive- laughing and joking and smiling to the opposite end of the spectrum and find myself all out crying and in fits of hysterics. 

My husband is a saint.At some point in time I am going to give him a present for dealing with me and my emotional craziness- I pray that the gift is a baby and it comes in about 9 months nice and healthy :) <3

Here is the low down on the medications- 

I can't decide which one I dislike more this go round. Don't get me wrong- I will take them 100 times over if it means a healthy, happy baby in the end. However, if I am being real-- they do suck. It's not something I would willingly do just for the heck of it.

Menopur- which I have taken in the past is causing the same issues I had in the past. It burns and the gauge on the needle is small so it takes longer to push the medication into the body, which means the burning is prolonged. 

Some say to ice the area, however I was advised by my nurse to try to avoid that so that the medication can disperse. I don't like the burning by any means, but I can deal with it so I haven't been icing at all. 

Gonal-F - This is the new one for me. The gauge on the needle is larger-- so it hurts much worse when you are inserting it into the skin, however the medication get pushed much faster since it is larger making the experience quicker overall than the Menopur.

I've been doing the Menopur first right now- mainly because I have to mix the Menopur and the Gonal-F I have doses already mixed up. So I burn and then the burning goes away because I stab and the stabbing pain takes over and then its all over and I treat myself with a glass of milk and a Hershey Kiss Cherry Cordial. Nom nom nom. 

So for the hormonal rage- Rob and I have come to call them my  "Hair Tie Moments"- 

On Saturday my Mom text me and asked me if I was working. I was in the midst of tying my hair up since Rob and I were heading out to run errands and it was raining. The second she saw I wasn't working she called me. I ended up leaving my hair tie on the bathroom sink and walking down stairs. When our conversation was over Rob and I left for our errands and I never put my hair up. This normally wouldn't really phase me. Sure I may be a tad annoyed that my hair was blowing all over in the rain, but I wouldn't let it throw everything off. 

Well, let me tell you. I was a hot mess. I was so upset that I didn't have this hair tie. I wanted to burst into tears and at that moment I realized I needed to just take a breather and relax it was just a hair tie. Rob and I even laughed over it. Rob told me to- "Chill out Incredible Hulk". So we've been joking and laughing about that since.

On Sunday I text Rob (he was at work) to  tell him about my "Hair Tie Moment" of the day. I figure its best to laugh about it. Sunday I went to Church, came home and promptly relaxed by binge watching Roseanne. 

Little secret- Roseanne reruns are by far one of my most favorite things, because typically they just make you laugh and laugh and laugh. However, on Sunday they played two episodes that have a serious undertone- One the Conner's are faced with a tornado. Now even though I know that the Conner's survive this natural disaster and go on to live another eight seasons, and even though I've seen this episode every single bit of 100 times I found myself crying my eyes out. 

Then of course after that episode Darlene has to have an appendectomy. Goodness me. I was snotting and losing it. What if my kid ever has to have an appendectomy!! Ohhh. 

Like I said Good Gravy!

I text Rob and told him I was sad about the Conner's life struggles and I knew I was crazy for it. Thankfully he laughed with me about it and no one was harmed in my hormonal fits, but I am sure that this is only the begining. 

Other than that I feel okay. A bit bloated and crampy, but okay. 

I go tomorrow for a follicle scan, lining check and blood work. I will be really really happy with 10 eggs for retrieval, but anything over 3 is considered a success and they will move forward with the IVF. Anything over 10 would be amazing. I'm doing my best to stay upbeat and positive no matter what we see tomorrow. Praying that tomorrow we get to see some growth as we move forward in this amazing journey.

Christmas Eve Traditions

In my family the Christmas Eve tradition when we were very young was to go pick out a tree. We would start to decorate it and overnight it would come to life with more decorations and angel hair and tinsel -- it became magical. When we woke in the morning it was perfect and under the tree presents would overflow. 

Our entire family would come together and spend the day making beautiful memories. As time went on and we all grew older and created our own families our traditions changed and grew and we created our own. 

Rob and I work a lot of holidays. So our Christmas and Christmas Eve -as well as almost all other holidays- get moved to days that we can make them work for us and our schedule and still take part in the spirit of the season. 

Last night was our Christmas Eve since we both work tonight. We attended our new Church's Christmas Eve production. As a side note I am so thankful that they do a Christmas Eve-Eve production as well as Christmas Eve- they recognize that not everyone can make a true Christmas Eve service and for that I am so thankful! 

Our Christmas Production was called the Never Ending Story~ it was a beautiful production that brought me to tears a few times. First was this song by Steven Curtis Chapman that our talented musicians brought to life- The Glorious Unfolding

Lay your head down tonight

Take a rest from the fight

Don't try to figure it out

Just listen to what I'm whispering to your heart

Cause I know this is not

Anything like you thought

The story of your life was gonna be

And it feels like the end has started closing in on you

But it's just not true

There's so much of the story that's still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding

Just you wait and see and you will be amazed

You've just got to believe the story is so far from over

So hold on to every promise God has made to us

And watch this glorious unfolding

God's plan from the start

For this world and your heart

Has been to show His glory and His grace

Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of

His unfailing Love

And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding

Just you wait and see and you will be amazed

We've just got to believe the story is so far from over

So hold on to every promise God has made to us

And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever

Singing songs to our Savior and King

So let us remember this life we're living

Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding

We will watch and see and we will, be amazed

If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over

And hold on to every promise God has made to us

We'll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)

This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

How powerful! I have played it over and over and over and over.. you get the point. If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over..And hold on to every promise God has made to us.. We'll see the glorious unfolding!!

I felt it in my bones- the message, the lyrics, and the life that buzzed around our Church.  The next thing that truly hit home was the opening to the services where our Pastors Wife read the opening. She talked about time-- and how God knows what time everything is going to happen-- everything is going to unfold.. 

It was as though she was speaking to me directly. In other words stop fretting-- your story is unfolding just the way it is suppose to!! No need to stress! No need to worry! 

If you don't have any plans later today and want to check out our Church's productions of The Never Ending Story they will be broadcasting a live feed starting at 1:50pm, 3:50pm and 5:50pm- Shore Fellowship Online Campus. If you have an hour the story is beautiful and the talent is amazing. 

I hope that last night was the start of a new tradition for my family. I pray that you and your families are able to come together and share the story of Christmas, pray together for a blessed New Year, and spread love and joy. 

Merry Christmas from our home to yours! xo ~ Rob, Kasey & Swish

A Vast Army- Finding a Church for our Family

Yesterday Rob and I attended a Church service that ended with our friends daughter being Dedicated to the Lord. Rob and I have been searching for a Church that fits us, our beliefs, and would be a good Church to raise our children in. We both grew up in Church's that meant a lot to us. Raising our children in a Church is important to us. I miss being part of a Church community and am glad that we are working towards getting involved  in a new one.

We have been talking about attending this particular Church for over a year, and yesterday was our first opportunity to attend a service together. I'm not sure if this Church will be a perfect fit for us- I think it's going to take more than a single service/sermon to know for sure- but I felt so moved by the the sermon. I felt emotional listening to the Pastor speak. I felt moved by the people of the Church singing and pulling everyone together with their voices.

Yesterday's sermon was about Ezekiel 37. It's a verse I don't recall ever hearing about before. It's incredibly moving- Its starts:

"The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. ² He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. ³ He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”

The pastor compared it to losing all of your hope. Having a utterly hopeless situation, an impossible, improbable, situation before you- but still having the faith that God can give you a favorable outcome. Sovereign Lord, you alone know. Standing before this valley of "impossibility" he still had the faith that his Lord had the ability to make the impossible-- possible.

During this journey haven't we all have our moments of helpless and hopelessness? Moments that brought us to our knees and tears from our eyes. Times when we may have questioned our faith or asked why us- why this particular hurdle? We've all been down and out and felt like we were standing before a valley of dry bones. It will happen again- there will be more struggles in our lives-- but we need to have the faith that through the Lord all struggles -all impossibilities- are possible.

He goes on to say-

 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! ⁵ This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath^[a] enter you, and you will come to life. ⁶ I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”
⁷ So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. ⁸ I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

The Lord told him to tell those dry bones before him that he will repair them. He will cover them will tendons, and flesh, and then fill them with life. He will take this valley of impossible and He alone will fill it back with life. He will do the same for us in our hopeless situations if we let him. He will breath life into that which seems dead- hopeless. He will take our valleys of impossible and with our faith he will make them possible.

Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” ¹⁰ So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.
¹¹ Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ ¹² Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. ¹³ Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. ¹⁴ I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”


Imagine standing before a valley of dry bones- a valley of death- only to watch life be breathed into them. To watch them stand before you- a vast army.  How powerful is that? Imagine it- a valley of bones standing before you as a vast army, their lungs full of breath when moments before they were dried bones laying in a valley. Even when you feel your most hopeless- our God doesn't. He can make all things possible. 

I think that I will come to love this church and this pastor. I think that the way he makes the sermons relateable and the way he was able to fill me with hope in a single sermon is a testament for what he can do for me- for us as a family- in the future.  

I haven't felt hopeless in quiet sometime. Before this sermon I felt like I had faith to move forward without fear. I have been coping with my emotions better and handling things easier. The sermon definitely helped to lift my faith even more though, because no matter how hopeless the situation may seem- even if you are standing before a valley of dry bones- He is able to make all things possible.  

As I head off for my SIS and trial transfer today I am filled with hope, excitement and a touch of nervousness. I know that no matter what the outcome is today that I have the faith that all things are possible. I know that we will be parents. I can't wait to move forward and to watch this process come together completely. To watch what may have seemed impossible to us in the past- become a valley of possibilities.  

We're Going To Disney World~

First before I begin to share my good news I have to send all of my love and prayers to Anne at The Second Bedroom who just received awful news from her doctors office. Please head over and send her some love if you can. Anne if you are reading this my heart aches for you and I am sending you so much peace and love and light. xo



Last night we had the in-laws over to tell them that we are under going IVF. Rob's Mom was quick to point out that she already knew I wasn't pregnant because when I saw her on Thursday night I had a glass of wine with her. 

Sweet, that was truly my plan when I had that glass of wine and it was 100% on purpose. I didn't truly want or need it in that moment, but I knew that if I said "no thanks" when she offered me it that it would have sent off red flags. She knew we wanted to have them over to "talk" this week. I didn't want to set her up for a giant let down. She's been waiting as long as we have after all.. if not longer. She is waiting for that "talk".. the one where we tell her she is going to be a Grandma. I always feel like I am letting people down- especially Rob's parents since they are much older than mine, so I really did want to soften the blow. I figured she had jumped to the "their pregnant" conclusion that most Mom's of 38 year old Men who have been married for almost 4 years do...

The conversation could not have gone better though. I had all my information laid out so I could show it to them and help them understand it better. We told them everything that we have already gone through and tried our best to explain everything that is yet to come. We told them that IVF is in no way a 100% guarantee that we will end up with a baby, but its better odds then we have had lately on our own. I didn't cry once- though when Rob spoke of our journey and how he knows it has been hard on my my eyes did well up. I know its been hard on him as well.

We asked them to be as patient with us as possible. We told them we knew they probably would have lots of questions, and we would answer whatever we could. We asked them to not question us to much during this process though. We told them that we would tell them when we got pregnant, but we would do it on our timeline. We asked them not to tell anyone else what was going on- mainly so that we have our privacy and can tell people in our own way and answer their questions when we are ready. 

They were visibly excited to know that we were moving forward and getting closer to making them Grandparents. They prayed with us and for us and over us. They hugged us and loved us. They embraced this 100% and I could feel their love and knew they wanted this as much as we do.

And then they told us they were taking us to Disney World. 

Well not quite like that exactly. Rob's sister lives in Arizona and it is not often that we are all together. In fact I have been with Rob for almost 8 years now and there is only one other time in those years that his entire family has really been together for any length of time. In February his parents are getting their timeshare in Disney for a few weeks because Rob's sister will be coming to Florida already. They wanted nothing more than for us all to really be there together. We just need to pay for our airfare, but they don't want us to worry about any other financial aspect of the trip. They just want their family together. 

I think they know that these times are few and far between and as they get older and sicker the less of the chance that we will take these trips. Its sad when I sit back and think that this must be going through their minds. 

Of course some of the thought that fluttered through my already chaotic mind were - Oh goodness I could actually be pregnant in Disney. And Oh my I could make an announcement at Disney! Oh my word were really going to Disney! 

You see a little secret you may or may not know about me- I am a Disney Freak! I just love it. Over the years I have converted my husband to become a Disney Freak with me. With Rob's job loss and our fertility issues I really didn't think we would be going anytime soon. So I am beyond over the moon excited about Disney. I started plotting and planning and reserving for our trip. It was a wonderful distraction from the big IVF in the room. 

In a matter of a few hours I have looked up flight departures and arrivals, car rentals, planned and reserved meals, planned days in Disney, planned fireworks and parades... my mind goes a million miles a minute when it comes to Disney. More so when it comes to thinking that this could be our child's very first Disney trip- in utero. 

I know I am full of hope and sunshine and rainbows- but for the longest time I didn't feel that. I am fully aware that I may be setting myself up for a let down, but the joy I get in thinking about the happiness that could possibly be filling me- that is half the fun in planning on having a baby. I missed these conversations that we had when we first started trying. The what would be name our babies. The what would they look like. The what are they going to call our parents.. those conversations that we used to have.. but stopped having because there was far too much pain in thinking about what could-be scenarios that seemed like pipe dreams with each stark white test. 

Now I get to have hope. Now we get to have hope. And if it doesn't work this time- then it doesn't work, but for now I am choosing to be filled with hope and joy and sunshine, because the other option is not nearly as fun. I am reserving the right to have my moments- as we all do.. but for now I choose hope. 

In this moment I choose to think about having a baby on board and having to say things like "no I can't have any wine.. I'm pregnant.." and "no I can't ride Tower of Terror.. you see I am carrying a baby!" As I think that these moments are really possible tears stream down my face. Happy.. happy tears. I am so filled with light and love and hope that I could explode... Its not without some anxiety, but I am truly focused on the happy.

So now we just wait for Monday and pray for good results and hope that we are the lucky ones. Hope that this all works for us. Pray that this is our last stop on this journey. Pray that when I am walking around Disney in February that its with a unseen plus one... a little Mickey or Minnie if you will<3

Dandelion Wishes

Lisa from Amateur Nester interviewed me this week for her series on sharing our stories to encourage and inspire others. If you are interested in sharing your story as well follow the link and while you are there send Lisa some love. You do not have to be a blogger to share your story either.

Here is my interview with Lisa. I hope that in answering her questions I was able to reach out to at least one person and fill them with some hope.

In other news I have this gift card burning a hole in my dresser. It's for my tattoo. For the longest time I have been putting it off, because I just wasn't 100% sure of what I wanted. If there is one thing I know it is that a tattoo is forever and I wanted to be so very sure of what I was getting.

I have been hanging onto this gift card since last Christmas. I have finally made up my mind about what I want.

I am sure it wont look exactly like that..but yes I want a dandelion. Have you ever heard the story of the dandelion.

The Short Version- The dandelion stands for happiness and positivity. That's one of my main goals through any of the journeys that my husband and I have been faced with. From infertility to job loss to our home repairs we try to face them all with a positive attitude and maintain some happiness.

I also have always thought of the dandelion as making a wish. You know when you were a child you picked it up and blew the little fuzzy pieces off and into the wind. You always made a wish. Well I want to make a permenent wish.

Some of you probably think my wish is to have a child. Of course that will always be a wish, that is until its granted. Instead the wish I want to make permenant is to love always, no matter what, and with all I got.

I figure after becoming so accustomed to needles the last year I'm ready for my first tattoo.

Fears Fueling Faith

This week has left me utterly terrified. 
 
I have seen friends miscarry this week, I have seen friends suffer from Pprom this week, I have seen failed IUI's, failed IVF's, pre-term labors and sick babies. 

This week has not been good to many in the IF community. I can only hope to keep the faith and keep praying for some miracles for so many. 

My prayers are extended to anyone else suffering this week, no matter what it is that is bringing you down - I hope that you find something to help lift you up. 

I am terrified because I watch these women battle for their pregnancies - to even achieve a pregnancy- and then watch as they lose their precious miracles. Not that it isn't as horrible when you haven't struggled to become pregnant and suffer from a tragedy.. its just that it hits home. It scares me. Why is this so common? Will I ever be able to be pregnant in the first place and then once I am pregnant (I still believe this is going to happen for us eventually- I refuse to let me self think otherwise ) will I ever be able to feel comfortable in celebrating my pregnancy without the fear of more loss at the back of my mind? I am just filled with so much fear and I guess I truly won't have the answers to those questions until I am faced with them directly. 

This has been a difficult week for me for other reasons other that being in the midst of a two week wait and watching tragedy unravel around me. This week my Great Aunt was placed on hospice care and given little time to live. I don't know if its easier or harder knowing that someone is going to die. It so difficult to hold a vigilance over them. So hard to come up with the right words to say to someone who knows they are dieing. So hard to be there and be present.. it weighs so very heavy on my heart.. 
 
I am doing my best to push my fears and sadness aside and push my faith to the forefront. I know that when my Aunt Sis dies she will be going home to the Lord. That she will be with her Sister (my Gram) and her brother as well as her husband who has passed before her. She say's she sees them now- and though the doctors say she's hallucinating I am holding faith that she is closer to them now more than ever. I miss my Gram so much and part of me is even jealous that Aunt Sis is going to see her soon. 

Some say that with death brings forth life. I can only hold onto hope that this is true. That with us losing my Aunt Sis a new life can be brought forth and bless our family. I hope and pray that the new life is one that I get to carry..


I did just return from my RE for my day 7 (but really day 6) post IUI progesterone check and ultrasound. 

I won't get my progesterone results unless I call in this afternoon, and honestly if there is anything wrong that something can actually be done about they will call me anyway. I think I am just going to let it be. Why stress myself out over something I have very little control over. Since ovulation was confirmed and I am taking my progesterone religiously twice a day I have no reason to fret that there is something wrong.

My ultrasound revealed that I did release multiple follicles from the right ovary and one from the left ovary. Both ovaries are pretty very enlarged at 15 x 16 cm each. I knew this was coming since I have had a lot of pain and discomfort. I'm officially on lifting and moving restrictions until they go down. I have larger then normal ovaries to begin with due to PCOS - add in ovulation drugs and multiple follicles and its the perfect recipe for large ovaries. The main worry is an ovarian torsion. I will be playing is extra careful and am hopeful that they will go down during the week.

My uterus has an 8mm lining and was Trilaminar. They were hoping to see my lining over 10mm, but 8mm isn't awful so no need to worry myself there either, especially since it was Trilaminar- meaning there was good blood flow and a good play for a little embryo to implant.

All in all things look good. They told me that I can come in next Friday (13 days post IUI) for my Beta. Either someone didn't read that I had my IUI on a Saturday or they are having mercy and decreasing my wait time. I'm also advised not to lift, twist, or push on my lower abdominal area.

Normally I have to wait the two weeks plus a day- that would land me on a Sunday and I would end up having to wait until Monday- aka 16 days post IUI and adding more days to the torture- for my initial Beta. 

I'm excited to get to next Friday. I'm excited to know if this cycle is our cycle. But, I'm also terrified. Part of me wishes I wasn't privy to all the things that could go so very wrong even after you receive that BFP. The other part of me is scared to death that this IUI didn't work and we are going to be moving forward into yet another treatment plan. 

For now I am just patiently waiting. Practicing deep breathing and praying. Hoping and praying that its our turn.

I continue to pray for many of you that are suffering right now- whether its due to loss, tragic medical issues, in the midst of two week waits, praying for embryo's or IVF's and transfers- my heart goes out to all. 

I hope that this coming week brings some good news to this community and I truly hope some miracles are witnessed by all. 

On This Day I Am Thankful

At physical therapy yesterday my therapist told me I need to de-stress my life some. He thinks that the stress is part of the reason my muscles are in spasm. He says I carry my stress in my shoulders and neck. 

His advise? 

He asked me what I do to eliminate stresses in my life. I told him that I write and that's when he told me to write a stress table. He wanted me to put all of my stresses "on the table". Then he wanted me to write one way in which I can control or help relieve the stress from my life.

I don't exactly feel like writing about the stress in my life today. I still may revisit that idea and write my "stress table" out, but instead I want to write about things that I am grateful for. Things that bring me joy instead of going over things that bring me stress and sadness. 

I'm challenging myself to write down 20 things that I am grateful for. Everyone can come up wit 20 things so feel free to join in. In no particular order what-so-ever I give you~

On This Day I Am Thankful

1- My Husband- he is my rock, he is smart and funny and he knows exactly how to lift me up when I feel down. 

2- My Best Friend - who else would watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune with me over text messages?  

3- My Family- Mom, Dad, Father in Law, Mother in Law, Brother, and Sister in Law- plus our extended family. They are all amazing and our parents truly are role models for us to look up too. 

4- My Dog- Swish is a mini doxie and he's such a cuddle bug. You always need someone to listen to you and he is the perfect listener- he never talks back

5- My Job- its not always butterflies and roses, but its a job with benefits and a paycheck

6- Our Benefits- They are a pain and I have to fight for what we have, but once I get passed fighting for them what we do have is amazing. Not many people have fertility coverage so for that I am very thankful.

7- Coffee- I don't over do it, but I truly enjoy that 20 minutes in the morning where its just me and my warm cup of coffee

8- Home Owners Insurance- We placed our claim with our insurance and lo and behold they are covering some of the repairs. As far as I am concerned that is a huge win! 

9- My Boss- She goes above and beyond helping me fit in all of my doctors appts and scheduling issues that go along with RE visits and timing issues. 

10- My Physical Therapist, Neck Specialist, and Primary Care MD- all of which have worked together to help my fix my neck. Its still a work in progress, but we're getting there and to be able to move my head is a wonderful thing. 

11- My Part Time Job- There is nothing like having patient contact. At my full time job I don't get to see the people I am helping, but when I get to go on the truck and work as an EMT I feel like I truly am making a difference. My PT job also lets me work as little as I want or as much as I need. 

12- My SDSSCKC Friends- I met this group of women on an online forum years ago and I know that no matter how far apart we are I have a friend in them! 

13- My Gram- I miss her dearly, but I know she is always with me. I talk to her all the time and truly believe that she comes to me in my dreams and comforts me. 

14- My Blanky- I've had this thing for 28 years. Yes I still sleep with my baby blanket -well sort of- my mom placed my baby blanket inside of a quilt she made me. There is nothing warmer or more comforting that my blanky.

15- My Temporary Ceiling- I will be much happier when they install a new one, but I am so glad that they put a temp ceiling up in the bathroom. Yesterday morning my bathroom was about 30 degrees and with temperatures projected to dip even further by the weekend I am so very grateful for the temp ceiling. 

16- My Blog Friends- I have become so close with many of you. I rely on you all for your words of wisdom and advise and for your abilities to commiserate with me when it comes to grief felt due  to infertility.   

17- My Nurses at the RE- There really are some amazing nurses there. They truly have hearts of gold and I know they are cheering for us. 

18- Anyone who have ever lent me a shoulder and had no idea what I was talking about, but did it anyway. This goes out to my friends who don't know much about IF, but continue to ask me about my cycles. Those that always check in on me and those that are rooting and cheering for us on the sidelines. 

19- My Cousin M- who has offered to donate her frozen embryos if need be later down the line. She has also offered up a shoulder and advice and opened her door to listen to me at any time.

20- My Health- yea I have some issues and I can't get pregnant easily, but all in all I am a healthy women who isn't fighting cancer or debilitating disease. How can I not be thankful for that blessing. 

IUI 6

Everything seemed to go well today- DH had 32 million motile post wash. IUI was at about 09:30am. I felt ovulation pain and a lot of cramping all morning. Other than that things were fine. 

The lake that is next to my house- its most relaxing this time of year... 

By the time we got home I was exhausted. Still am in fact. It is official that if this cycle doesn't work I will be taking a break. My body is tired, my mind is tired, my poor hubby is tired. If this isn't it then its time to nap for an indefinite amount of time. 

I'm praying for a lot of my bloggy friends who had egg retrievals  IUIs, FET's, and consults today. I hope that your mind is strong and your body cooperates. I hope your doctors are wise and steady. I hope that October 19th is truly a lucky day for us all. 

Praying hard. Letting Jesus take the wheel and resting <3 

IUI 6 ~ TOMORROW What in the What..

I just got home from the RE with some crazy news.. my IUI is going to be tomorrow- cycle day 11. 

This is the earliest my eggs have ever matured....ever.  

My lining was 6mm- which is kinda junk, especially since last cycle it was 14mm, but last cycle also drug on and on and I took many more doses of Menopur. Last cycle also failed- so 14mm lining isn't all that anyway- maybe 6mm is. 

6mm isn't god awful. 6mm is just fine. Just fine. 

Right Ovary- 21mm, 18mm, 14mm, and 13mm
Left Ovary- 18mm <~~ look who was hiding in there all along! 

I was so surprised. Not just cause the left ovary had a follicle growing in there all along, but I really wasn't thinking tomorrow. Its wasn't even on my radar at all. I knew things were moving along well this cycle, and everyone was growing and I was praying to see someone hit 20mm today at this appointment, but I truly wasn't expecting it to really happen. 

I just took my Ovidrel shot, and we go tomorrow morning at 7:30 am to have my IUI in the Marlton office- I had to call out of work. 

I was hoping to find someone to cover this shift so I could go meet up with Charity at The Word Of A Nerd, but God had other plans for me tomorrow. I'm sorry I won't be meeting you tomorrow Charity, but I'm praying so hard that when we do get the chance to meet up again its because this day was planned by the Lord for other things.. 

As I was driving home from the RE Carrie Underwood's Jesus Take the Wheel came onto my radio. 

Jesus Take the Wheel - if you have never heard it click here and listen to it. I am positive you will be able to relate. 

                                             "Jesus Take The Wheel"

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Oh, Jesus take the wheel

Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

Oh, take it, take it from me.
Oh, wow, ohhhhh.

As soon as this song came on I promptly burst into tears. Happy tears. I'm one of those people that tend to think that everything happens for a reason. Some reasons we can't ever really explain or we don't fully understand, but I know that every choice I have ever made and every path I either chose to follow or chose to ignore, all of the mountains and obstacles I have climbed over and overcome- they are all leading to making my life what it is and what it is meant to be, and making me who I am and who I am suppose to be. Its all part of a bigger plan- the bigger picture. 

I guess what I am saying is- maybe there are reasons that I don't know yet as to why we were never able to get pregnant on our own. Maybe there is a reason that IUI's 1,2,3,4, & 5 did not work. A reason that we have waited 3 years and maybe- just maybe its for this to be our chance. Some of these follicles to be our baby(ies). A reason we have waited. 

Almost all of my friends were pregnant this this year together and maybe we were waiting- maybe so that our pregnancy would be our own. So that our pregnancy would happen exactly as God has always planned.. I can't help but let my mind wander to expected due dates, maternity photos, and the such. Its not easy to let it wander that far, because if there is anything I have learned -nothing is guaranteed  but if I don't let myself wander then I feel like I am dooming things before we hit start. I chose hope, I chose to let my mind wander, I chose those happy thoughts.. and I know not everyone will agree with that and that is okay, because this is how I chose to handle this cycle... our cycle.. 

I don't know if this cycle will work, but I have to keep the faith that there really is a reason for all this. There really is good stuff coming our way. I have to hope that this is the start of good news.. 

I can so relate to this song- 

"Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline

It'd been a long hard year"

Sometimes we ask why God? Why?! And our faith runs low. Im not asking that. Im just saying that I am ready. We are ready. No why's here today. 

It really had been a long hard year. The hardest of our married lives, but we have learned to come together and we have learned what giving 100% of ourselves to one another means and seen what it looks like.. 

                                        "Jesus take the wheel

Take it from my hands

Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go

So give me one more chance

Save me from this road I'm on

Jesus take the wheel"

So Jesus take the wheel. We can't do this on our own. There is still a miracle that needs to take place. So while my body is ready- we need Jesus to take control- take the wheel and give us our miracle. 

I have to let go of the control. We can do everything right- eat right, sleep enough, hydrate well, take our medications on time, have wonderful follicles, great lining, spectacular sperm counts- but without that miracle- without Jesus taking the wheel- it just won't be. 

(source)

So my prayer is for strength and peace. To know that whatever happens is Your will. You are ultimately in charge and all of this waiting is building us to be better parents. 

All of our challenges this year, while they have left us feeling bruised -both figuratively and literally- are uniting us closer in our marriage. Our financial struggles have taught us to appreciate the little things more and taught me how to really stretch the dollars that we are blessed with. The leaks and water damage in our home have taught me more about patience than I ever thought I would be able to understand. All of the friendships that we have garnered threw our various struggles have taught us about love- the power and strength of love. All of these struggles have renewed my faith and taught me to pray stronger and harder than ever. So I am praying now- for our miracle. For our turn. Our time.

Jesus take the wheel... because we can't do this on our own.... 

Snap Shot Sunday~ Think Happy Thoughts

I was searching around on my friend Pinterest and found this. Sometimes when we aren't exactly in our happy places we need to just think happy thoughts and force ourselves there..

So that's what I am doing.. thinking happy thoughts :)

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

On Wednesday afternoon I started to spot…just like I knew I was going too. I contacted my RN triage line and told them I was spotting. They STILL wanted me to come in for a Beta on Thursday, since it wasn’t yet "full flow." I refused and told her I really did not require another blood test to prove that I wasn’t pregnant. IUI 5 was officially a bust and I wasn’t going to have someone call and reiterate that to me again. I got it… it was crystal clear..

By Thursday it was full flow and I contacted the RN triage line yet again. This time I spoke to my favorite nurse –who I think is part angel and also was on the verge of tears while we were talking. She was so sweet and knew that Saturday’s are more difficult for me to come in on due to my schedule, so she arranged for my appointment for my Day 3 ultrasound and blood work to be today instead.

As soon as I walked in my favorite angel RN saw me and asked me to come into the private meeting room with her. I promptly burst into tears. I don’t know why really- I mean I am sad, but this is nothing new and not my first go round on the merry-go-round of failed cycles. I think it was her genuine concern for me and she told me when she was writing progress notes yesterday she screamed out in frustration for me. She hugged me while I sobbed- it shows true concern and care when you let someone snot up your shoulder and its not even 8am yet. I love her. I’m so thankful for her. If your reading this somehow Mary- you really are a saint.

I went for my blood work and the phlebotomist hugged me too. She said she was angry for me and angry with me. It felt good to acknowledge that I am angry. Mad at no one particular- but everyone and the universe all at once.

Mad at the baby bump that stood in front of me while I waited for coffee. Mad that I didn’t have a baby bump to gently caress. Mad at the rain and the wind that poured down. Mad at work. Mad at life. Just plain mad. I’m a mad girl today and I am frustrated and guess what- its okay for me to feel like that sometimes.

Then I went in for my ultra sound and Dr. S walked in. I was prepared for his typical "it’s going to work" speech. Instead I saw a different side of him. He was mad too and upset for me and also determined. He told me its okay to feel however I need to feel right now- but then I need to find some positivity and find some happy. My RN basically said the same thing. She told me to stay hopeful, stay positive, because being mad and sad and angry are all okay for now- but then I need to go to my happy place and find my positivity.

Last night I was driving home from work- it was pouring. The kind of rain where no matter how fast the windshield wipers go you still can’t see through the rain. The fog was rising off the street and it was dark and the air was brisk. It was eerie and windy and tree limbs were down everywhere. And I realized that the picture before me is exactly how I felt inside too. Stormy and mad and angry and I want to break things and knock down tree limbs- but then the sun is going to rise again… it hasn’t risen here in South Jersey yet- were in the middle of a 5 day nor’easter and I’m hopeful my stormy mood lifts before the actual storms that are hitting us here end.

I prayed and I cried on my way home. I prayed for my husband to find his hope and his happy again. He’s so down in the dumps and defeated. He needs something to come through- something to go our way for a change. I prayed for our leaky ceiling- that we find the source of the leak and that it stops raining in my bathroom (any leak experts reading?? Lol). I prayed for all of my friends here that are struggling- those with embryos that need a boost, those who have just gone through losses, those struggling with their losses, those whose cycles ended, those whose cycles never began… all those waiting and waiting and waiting.. . I prayed for all of you. I know that you all often pull and pray for me too. I prayed that this cycle brings us closer to being parents and I cried – ugly cried- that we deserve to be parents -that our parents do deserve to be grandparents. Damint universe let us all show you!! Then I prayed for my in law’s health and my parent’s health- that they can all stay well enough to be grandparents. That they can weather this storm however long its going to take. I prayed for strength and wisdom and I prayed for comfort.

Then I ugly cried the rest of the way home- wiping tears away as they slid down my cheeks mimicking my windshield wipers as they tirelessly cleared my windshield for me. It wasn’t pretty- my eyes still feel puffy and raw.. But it was effective. I put it all out there. I feel raw (and puffy lol).. I feel open and refreshed.. I feel renewed..

I felt a bit better this morning other than the ugly crying in the doctors office, but that was brought on by half being happy that so many people care for me and half being angry and sad still. I haven’t found my happy just yet. I know it’s out there though.

Today’s ultra sound reveals- my lining is 7mm, my left ovary has 8 follicles under 10mm and my right ovary has 10 under 10mm. The biggest releif is that I am cyst free!

My period really hasn’t been as awful as I anticipated (this isn’t a challenge mother nature!). I really thought it was going to be much worse so I am thankful for that.

I will start Menopur at 225 IU tonight with my Dexamethasone .25 daily. As I already knew this will be my last Menopur cycle before a break and consult for other options…opinions.. and maybe other doctors. My husband and I have agreed to go to the consult with this practice and see what their next steps are because it is close, in network, and we do have a bond with some of the people there. After that consult (if we come to that) we will then decide together what our next steps will be..

I am not going to think about any of that right now because I’m practicing internally chanting –"6^th times the charm!!!!6th time is the FREAKING CHARM!!!!" – Over and over and over until I really believe it- until ever fiber of my being believes it, because really there is nothing wrong with believing it..

The worst that happens is the 6^th times not the really the charm and there is something else out there that will be the charm – something else that is meant to be—someone else’s path that we have yet to have crossed… until the 6^th time ISNT the charm then in my mind it IS. It will be… I will lose my voice chanting it and I will repeat it until I do believe it..

I return on Monday to check on things. I also have my annual well appointment with my ob/gyn on Monday.

Yay- Happy Columbus Day! Two doctor’s appointments in a row where I get to take off my pantalones.

Boom.

Okay off to find my happy. How do you find your happy when its gloomy outside and you feel uber gloomy inside too?

Anyone got a corny joke to share?

I really truly hope that wherever you are or whatever you are going through you have found your happy too and that the sun is shining in your neck of the woods.

IUI 5- Go For Launch!

 The title of this really doesn’t leave much to the imagination- as you can see, despite all of the ups and downs and the crazy roller coaster ride that this cycle took us on, we ARE moving forward with IUI # 5 on Wednesday morning.

The Nitty Gritty of IUI #5 as of this mornings appointment-

Right Ovary- 16mm

Left Ovary- 19mm & 16mm follicles

Lining- 14mm (14!!)

After not thinking any of my follicles were going to mature and after multiple medications adjustments we now have 3 pretty mature follicles and an amazing lining.  

What does this mean- well there is a chance of multiples- and my APN and doctors wanted me to be fully aware of it. We had a good talk about this cycle and how all over the place it has been and then I talked to DH and together we all collectively decided to move forward despite the chance of triplets.

Its a slim chance since I have had multiple failed IUI's with multiple follicles in the past. Its pretty much all in God's hands and that is the only way I can look at it.

This quote from Joel Osteen left me with some peace about our choice this morning-

"Nothing can happen without God's permission and God will not allow a difficulty unless He has a divine purpose for it. If you will keep your peace, you'll pass the test, and God will bring you out better than you were before."

As we move forward it will be in peace.

So tonight I will trigger with Ovidrel at 9:30pm and Wednesday Rob will do his part and my IUI will be around 09:30am.

I have acupuncture scheduled for 10:30am and I am off for the rest of the day so I plan on having a peaceful calm day hoping and praying that my uterus becomes a nice comfy-cozy residing place for a baby or two.

I also am planning acupuncture 7DPO IUI for *hopefully* the day of or close to implantation.

I feel very lucky that we even made it to IUI at all. It did not seem promising when we first started this cycle. I also feel very hopeful that this is our cycle and our chance to get our BFP.

I can not possibly thank you all enough for all your prayers and well wishes as we move forward in this cycle!! I feel you all rooting for us and lifting us up in your thoughts and prayers and I greatly appreciate it all.

IUI 5- Go For Launch!!