What Would You Like To Do With Those Maybe/Could Be Embryos

IVF paperwork is bucket loads of fun ya'll.

You have to play this game the entire time.. it goes like this:

"If your body works properly and you make lots of embryos what would you like to do with them- a) destroy them, b)let the labs research them or c) donate them to other infertile couples."

This makes you have to go over a bazillion outcomes and emotions in your mind.. and not just your mind, but your spouses mind so its like a bazillion times a bazillion amount of possible, probable, maybe, could be.. out comes.

I was all for option C for a multitude of reasons. Its hard to envision that we may have these embryo's that we don't need.. but its not that we don't want them. I'm not sure that makes sense to anyone, but myself.. but I suppose that is all that matter.

One thing is for certain- we will not be destroying any possible/maybe embryos. Its not happening and we are both on board for that.

So then you have to think okay how about research? I guess I am okay with research if DH isn't okay with donating or adopting the embryo's. I thought it would require a pretty heavy conversation about donation and adoption.. but it didn't.

We sat around the table and I reread all the options out loud again and DH said- without hesitation or second thought- we will donate or adopt them to other couples.

My heart melted. MELTED.

Then you get to go over paperwork about what happens if you seperate, divorce, someone dies... These are not subjects we broach. For us divorce is not on the table. We once saw this funny Ecard online and promptly sent it to one another.

I know divorce happens for many reasons. Im not insane and I understand that in some cases it really is the best option for some couples, but its not an option for us. So it was weird to have to fill out paperwork about what could be or maybe might happen if we divorce.

Or die... that was fun too.

Inquiring minds- if we divorce any embryos possibly in question will be donated for adoption.

If one of us die the other has full rights to the embryos.

There was a lot of other paperwork to go through, but we did it all and signed all of our consents. We also both had our updated blood work completed.

I don't remember having 6 vials last time they did the full round up of blood work, but that is what they did this time. I don't get queasy normaly, after all I work with blood and what not on a normal basis- but my tech had to walk away for a moment due  to someone passing out in the stall next to me so I got to stare at my vials of blood which were bubbling before me and it kind of grossed me out.

Next week DH will have his updated SA and we will await cycle day one for my SIS test. If my cycle could ever be normal, this would be a wonderful time for it..

Other than that welcome ICLW's- you can catch up on us here, Thanks for stopping by! I have a lot of ICLW to catch up on since being away has me a bit behind in the bloggy world, but I promise I will be by soon to send my love :)

And there is the ever nagging NaNoWriMo... BLAH. I was coming to the end of my story when it happened- I started to hate it and came up with another story that I wanted to write instead. I felt like it was all rainbows and butterflies and I wasn't happy with that. There is still time for me to finish, but I have no idea if that is really going to happen... Ill get back to you all on that one.

And lastly for Thanksgiving Week I will be doing this Week of Thanks Photo a Day Challenge and blogging about them--

You will notice I got it from ModCloth, but I still love the concept especially during the next week :)

NaNoWriMo- The Middle

I had a write fest today. I wrote just shy of 8,000 words. I have yet to go back and make sure it is all coherent since I was writing at work and had to take breaks to do things like talk to doctors and the such. The beginning of my story which I shared previously is written from Olivia's viewpoint. Each chapter a different person from the story takes over and tells a peice from their point of view. Its fun jumping into each character and taking off. I like to try to feel their emotions and really feel the story. I hope you all can feel it too. This part is written from Eric's point of view. I'm not sure if I will share another part of the story, because whats the point in spoiling the end? 

I think the next time I share it will be the story in its entirity. Let me know what you think. I really had a great time taking off with the story today- hope you can feel that when you read it. Ps I haven't proof read any of this cause I've been writing all day..

Eric- 

“You know in my defense we were young when we got married.” The grandkids were giving me a look like I never took care of my wife. “We dated I would take you to the horse farm and we would go on a rides through the trails. Doesn’t that count for dates?”  I was feeling defensive for no reason. Here we are sitting together around the campfire all these years later. There was no reason to still feel defensive all these years later, but I still felt bad. I think a part of me always would.

“Let’s talk about the date shall we...” Livy was smiling. She already knew how the first date with her husband ended up. I’m sure she was already thinking back to it replaying it over in her mind before we even reached this part in our story.

When I pulled up to the house that night Alexa was standing at the front door like the gate keeper. I was prepared though. I felt like I may have over done it by including a tie in my wardrobe, but Liv deserved the best. She deserved the ultimate princess treatment.

“Eric, don’t you look fancy.” Lexa walked up to me and stuck her head in the vase of calla lilies I was holding inhaling deep. “You better take care of her!” Lexa was swinging her finger at me.

“Lexa I know how to take care of my wife.” I left out the part about how I may have forgotten to do that for a few years, but I was going to take care of my wife. We were going to make this thing work.

“You’ve had a funny way of taking care of her for the last few years you know.” Wow a low blow from my own blood. “Figure it out and make it right Eric!”

With that she jumped into her car and disappeared down the drive way. I watched as she pulled away stunned that she took such a low blow. She wasn’t normally one for low blows or getting straight to the point with me.

I walked up the front steps and inhaled deeply as I exhaled I didn’t know what to do. Should I just walk in? Was it best to knock on the door? I was picking up my wife for a date. This wasn’t your usual set of circumstances at all. I was pretty sure “Dating for Dummies” didn’t have a chapter for dating your own wife. I went with knocking first, but I didn’t even know how to do that. I knocked twice tentatively and then realized as I saw my own hands shaking in front of me just how nervous I really was. It sort of hit me like a ton of bricks that this was my chance to have my wife back. This was my chance to come home again. I realized I never wanted to be standing on this door step questioning if I should knock or just walk in. I never wanted to feel like this again. The only thing I wanted to feel was in love with my wife. I wanted our happily ever after and I never wanted anything to come between us again. I was so lost in my thoughts that when Liv opened the door I was still inside my own head.

As I cleared all the thoughts about making our relationship right again I was left stunned. Olivia stood in front of me wearing a tight red dress that clung perfectly to her hips and accentuated her breasts spilling the perfect amount of cleavage forward. She even wore matching red lip stick and her curls hung loosely around her face. She blushed deeply as I stared at her. I wanted to say something, anything, but my mouth went completely dry. There really were no words to describe just how beautiful she was standing there before me.

“I knew it I over did it didn’t I?  Lexa was the one who convinced me to get all dressed up, but this is just too much. I’ll go up and changed.” She started away from the door and I reached for her grabbing at her arm and pulling her back towards me. There was no way I was going to let her walk away from me and change into anything else. She looked stunning. I had never seen her dressed up like this before. The only other time she ever really wore a dress was our wedding day, and it looked nothing like this.

“Olivia…” She turned around and looked into my eyes. I held her gaze for a long moment taking another chance to look at every single beautiful detail of my wife. Her eyes were welling with tears. She was just as nervous as I was and here I was standing there with no words coming out of my mouth “Olivia don’t you dare change. You look breathtaking.”

“I didn’t over do it? This isn’t too much? I didn’t know what you had planned and I let Alexa dress me. I won’t be offended I can change. I will be fast.”

She still wasn’t convinced. “I don’t know exactly how to tell you that you take my breath away Olivia.” I pulled her close to me so that our bodies were almost touching. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop and we would never make it to dinner. “The only reason I would want you to change is so that no one else would be as lucky as I am to see you in this dress.”

She didn’t give me a chance to say anything else. Before I knew it Liv was kissing my roughly and deeply crushing her lips against mine. I could feel the heat of her body despite the open door behind us letting the fall air in. She continued to kiss me deeper and with a neediness that I had never felt from her before and I couldn’t help but to think back to our very first kiss.

As I continued to kiss her I did so remembering that day when I first mustered up the never to kiss her, but as usual Olivia had other plans. She always had other plans. It is part of the reason that I love her so deeply. She always was able to keep me guessing. I remember that day so many years ago when I picked flowers for her then just as I did tonight and planned on giving her the flowers and kissing her under the stars. Olivia changed those plans though and that day, much like today, she pulled me in close and kissed me. Our first kiss wasn’t awkward like most teenagers. We had long studied one another’s lips. Our first kiss was perfect, because Olivia made it perfect.

It was perfect now too even though I hadn’t planned to start our date like this. As she pulled back I struggled to catch my breath and think of what to say next. I stalled by handing her the vase of flowers that I brought her and shutting the front door behind me. They were calla lilies and she took them and walked shakily into the kitchen to place them on the counter. I watched as she walked away and knew that she didn’t want to stop kissing me either. I followed her into the kitchen and stood directly behind her at the counter. In her heels she was almost the same height as me.

I wasn’t exactly sure what to do. I wanted to take my wife to dinner. I wanted to take my wife on a date, but after she greeted me with a kiss like that I wasn’t sure I would be able to make it to dinner with out having more of her. I pressed myself directly behind her nuzzling her neck. I could feel her every curve push back against me. I could feel her blood racing through her and the heat that radiated off of her. Her breath picked up and she turned facing me and slowly wiped the red lipstick off of my lips with her thumb.

“Don’t bother.” I spoke so quietly I wasn’t sure if she actually heard me. It was her actions that made me know that she was full aware of what was coming next. Her hand moved from my lips to my tie and she loosened it ever so slowly and let it fall to the ground.

“I felt like I had over dressed anyway.” I breathed into her neck as I started trailing kisses from her neck to her cheeks coming ever so close to her lips but skipping them and continuing my trail of kisses on her other cheek and down her neck. I kissed along her shoulder and down across her collar bone, moving down to the top of her cleavage and then back up her other collar bone to her bare shoulder. My throat was so dry I stopped and gulped inhaling deeply and looked directly into her eyes.

“You are killing me you know...”

NaNoWriMo- The Beginning

When I started NaNoWriMo I had no idea what I going to write about. I really didn't have an outline of my story until I started writing it. As a matter of fact the part I am sharing now I added after a dream I had last night. So here it is a small excerpt from my story. It is certainly still very much a work in progress...

-The fire crackled bright orange throwing little bits of itself out and into the crisp autumn air. The slight breeze in the air would grab the little bits and twist them up glowing into the autumn night. It was cold once you stepped away from the fire, but huddled close with the ones I loved most I had never felt warmer. It was still unbelievable to me after all these years that this was my family; that I got this lucky. Seated around the fire were the people that meant the most to me in the world; the people I call family.

"Grama," the littlest of voices jarred my attention back to the present, "can you tell us a story?" The grandkids loved when we would sit around and I would tell them both stories ranging from fairy tales to science fiction. We would all take a turn telling bits of the stories and letting our imaginations run with our own novels. We would add sound effects and sometimes we would dress up and play the parts of our characters. I loved nothing more than to drift off to a fantasy land with the kids and they loved nothing more than using their imaginations to create things all of their own.

Our youngest granddaughter Rebecca was seated across from us sipping on her hot chocolate. The heat from the cup was steaming off of the top of it and she was blowing it away in small puffs. She looked just like her mother. She had blonde curls tumbling around her face with bright red rosy cheeks. She was bundled up in a big winter coat and wore a old ball cap to protect her from the chill in the air. I tried to think of my most favorite stories to tell, and as I stared out around at my family all huddled tightly together sitting around the campfire I knew that the best story and only story to tell was the story of all of us.

"Becca, would you like to hear a love story?" Her little green eyes lit up. She smiled big showing her missing teeth and looked up to her Aunt Alexa who was sitting directly behind her twining her hair around her finger.

"Like a story about Cinderella and Prince Charming?" She was very into princesses and princes these days. "Will there be horses and will the good guys win?’

I scanned my family sitting there. My husband was sitting next to me pressed tightly along my side still holding tight onto my arm, and brushing his finger back and forth ever so lightly. After all these years he was still by my side. He knew the story I was about to tell just by looking deep into my eyes. He knew it was the story of us.

I squeezed my eyes tight as I always did when I wanted to think back and picture things in my mind. First I pictured my entire family as it was right now. Sitting close around the campfire with my husband who I had the pleasure to grow old and grey with, both of my children and my two precious grandbabies. Ours wasn’t your typical love story. We didn’t get here how most families did. Our route of travel to end up together around this campfire was one full of diversions, roads blocks, hills and valleys. We made it though. We made it to place where I can sit around a campfire with my family and tell the story of how we all made it to this place. The story of our family and a story I hope that my Grandbabies will pass along to their families someday. It was the most important story that they would ever here.

I opened my eyes and scanned my family all sitting closely together. "Becca I have a better story than one of princes and princesses. This is a tale of how we all got here. How we all wound up as family sitting around this fire tonight..."

I pressed my eyes tightly shut again and the next thing I pictured when I looked far back into the past was of me lying in my bed in the old farm house that we still lived in today. I was alone and I could picture everything just like it was yesterday. As I began to speak everything went quiet around me.

"Becca did you know that there was once a time when we thought we wouldn’t be able to tell you this story? There was once a time I had a dream about this very moment. Shut your eyes sweet girl and picture back with me..."

Participating in NaNoWriMo..

So maybe I am now showing signs of officially losing my mind with this, but with no thought about it what so ever I signed up for NaNoWriMo. I have never written a novel before, but I often have stories floating around in my head. I have no idea if I will actually meet the 50,000 word "novel" mark. I'm just going to write.

About what? I don't really know. I have lots of thoughts and lots of expriences from my past. I need to just focus on one idea and go from there.

What happens if I fail? Nothing.. then I gave it a shot and put my ideas out there. Nothing wrong with that.

How do I participate? Head to their site and sign on up- http://nanowrimo.org

Why are you doing this? I dunno I'll get back to you on that one.

So why should I participate? Because its fun... I think...

Are you writing about infertility? I don't know. Its going to be a surprise, but since its a big part of my life right now I feel like I will have to touch on it.

Will you share it with us too? Probably. Why not I share everything else with you guys..

November is National Novel Writing Month and here is a surprise- I never wanted to be a dispatcher when I grew up. I always wanted to be a writer. I always wanted to tell stories and put my words on paper. I love the feeling of a pen in my hands and now I live how I feel when I pour my heart out through my fingers and into a keyboard. The nice thing about a blog is that I don't have to be the best writer in the world and its easy to tell my story. Its going to be difficult for me to focus on a single story and tell it wrapping it up with an neat little bow on the end.. but why not give it a whirl.

Why did I never persue being a writer? Because I never had confidence in it. I never thought I could do that. I never thought it was possible.. so this is me making it possible... living out a child hood dream that I abandoned in a world of impossibilities...