Not the best of appointments..

Let me start out by saying I am feeling a bit defeated super duper craptastic this morning. 

Defeated, sad, let down, angry at my body... all that awful bad infertile day stuff. Its creeping in on my hope.. and here is why.. 

I went for my ultrasound and blood work this morning. If you will remember on Friday I had a wonderful check up with 5 total follicles- 3 follicles on the right 11,8, and 8 and Left I had 2 follicles 10 and 9. 

Welp. 

Today not only did they barely grow- but only a few grew. 

I have 3 follicles left 
Right 12 and 9 
Left 11 

NOT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR AT ALL. 

Sorry for shouting. Im sad and disappointed. I really was hoping for a lead follicle of 13 and all of the original 5 to grow at least a little. 

But that was not the case today. 

I saw Dr. V today. He is not my favorite at the practice. He always seems out on cloud 9.. like spacey. This morning for example he asked me how long my cycles normally are. 

This would be a fine and dandy question say- this was my first month or two with this practice.

BUT ITS NOT. 

I've been seen here since January so to not know my cycles are all over the place makes me uneasy. Like Im just a number. Its sad, because some of the other doctors at my RE really do take time to read my chart. Maybe he was just making small talk- but it always seems like he doesn't know me and this is not my first time seeing Dr V. 

Thankfully he is not going to be the one to see me at my next appointment. Hopefully whoever is in will read my chart and treat me like Kasey. An individual. 

Anyway Dr V said that its okay and that sometimes with more follicles in the mix it stunts the growth of the others. 

Okay, fine, but are they going to mature or are they all going to be too small?

He couldn't answer that question. Only time will tell. He also said to be prepared for IUI on Saturday which means I would have to go to the farther away clinic because mine does not have Saturday hours. 

This is perfect for me. I don't mind the drive. Its not bad at all. AND I go back to work on Monday so to have to find coverage on my first day back to work after 17 days off-- well thats dicey.

I already spoke with my boss and she is on vacation next week so she can't cover me. Its going to be tricky and annoying and Lord I hope that my follicles mature and my IUI can be on Saturday, because I can't call out my first day back for because I would jeopardize my job and I don't know if I am going to be able to find coverage at all. 

I cant even think about that added stress right now. Im going to cross that rough terrain when I get there.. 

Let me pause here...let me remind myself of something...

Right foot. 
Left foot. 
Breath. 

It only takes one. I only need one mature healthy follicle and there is still time for it to mature. 

I have a wonderful support team. They will help me. We will find a way if it needs to be found.

I will continue to move forward with 75 IU of Menopur unless my blood work says otherwise. They will call me tonight to tell me if I need to up my dose. I will also continue forward with the .25 of Dex. 

I have acupuncture in about an hour and then I am seeing my Mom in the afternoon for a little shopping. 

Im hopeful that maybe the acupuncture accompanied with girl time with my Mom will put me in a better place. Mentally Im on a ledge right now. I am hormonal and very emotional (I was watching Good Morning America this morning and they did a story about helping infertiles fund their treatments and then introduce Lady Gaga to sing afterwards.. I cried the entire time...) 

Im teetering between my hopeful feelings and the sad defeated thoughts of let down. Part of me is already preparing myself if this cycle doesn't work, and I don't want to do that. Its not over. No where near over. It was just bad news today and that doesn't mean Thursday isn't going to bring good news.

So Im going to push those sad defeated thoughts underground...going to bury them with hopes and dreams and faith and love. I chose hope. I have to. This can work and its going to. 

All it takes is one. 

So I will spend my acupuncture appointment praying for one mature follicle. 

I return Thursday for my next check up and I am really hoping AM GOING TO to see a nice growing follicle. 

All it takes is one... 

Just one. 

4th times the charm?

I met with my RE this morning for blood work, ultra sound and instructions on my medications this cycle. Blood work came back great. I have no cysts (WOO-HOO!) and I have 10 small follicles under 10 on the right side and 7 small follicles under 10 on the left side. We are go for injectable cycle number 1 and IUI number 4. 

I met with the APN after my ultrasound and we went over how to take my Menopur and other medications this cycle. 

The current plan is starting tonight I will take 75IU intramuscular Menopur. Continue my Dexamethasone .25mg everyday. I will take 250mcg Ovidrel trigger shot and have an IUI. They also discussed possible back to back IUI's and after ovulation I will start with 200mg Endometrin Vaginal Inserts. 

I will continue my acupuncture throughout the cycle and my APN was happy with that. 

My first set up! 

Here is an instructional video on how to mix the Menopur if you are interested. It seems pretty easy. I will see how it goes tonight though. 

I return to the RE on Friday and actually have an appointment with a new doctor with the practice. All the nurses and the APN said he is young, energetic, and always has a positivity about him. Im all about positivity. They will do an ultrasound and blood work and see how my body is responding. At that time they will let me know if I need to increase the Menopur. 

The APN went over all the side affects again, but included today was a discussion on selective reduction. Selective Reduction is a deeply personal choice. One which I will not judge, but also one that I will not make. There is no way I could personally deal with choosing to abort one of my babies if it came down to it. I was very happy with how the APN reacted when I said it wasn't an option. She said she would place a note in my file and be sure everyone is aware that I have already made that choice. They will cancel any cycles I do not feel comfortable proceeding with and there will be zero pressure. 

Rob and I need to talk about at what exact point we will cancel a cycle. Will it be at 3 mature follicles what about 4? Its a hard choice to make, but I think our faith will help to guide us. Since we aren't there yet its easy to say anything over 3 will be a no go, but like my APN said to me today  -while they don't like to do IUI's with anything over 3 follicles there is a chance they will proceed forward with more follicles depending on maturity and even though they are not mature that doesn't mean they still won't impregnate. 

I'm going to go with whatever is meant to be will find its way regardless of how careful we are and what we plan on. Its all in Gods hands anyway so no need to worry about what ifs. 

My APN said she thinks the new doctor is going to talk to me about having a PCOS diagnosis. She really didn't go into much detail, but said that I have lots of cysts, off cycles, and lots of little follicles and she thinks they want to classify my as A-typical PCOS, but the doctor would have to talk to me about that. I guess a diagnosis is a good thing. I feel like that is what I have been treated for anyway at this point. 

In other news AF reappeared with a vengeance. I feel pretty crummy and it fits the weather here. Its been a day full of torrential down pours, high winds, flood warnings, and tornado warnings. Rob and I had no problems at our home other than minor bathroom flooding that we still haven't repaired from Super Storm Sandy and our roads were flooded in our development, however the house in the cul de sac next to us was struck by lightening. Thankfully everyone is okay and safe and the inside of their home was spared however they suffered damage on the exterior of their home and had a chimney collapse. 

We are going to visit our friends who had their twins tonight. I hope we get to see the babies and Im hoping I can keep my emotions in check, because AF also came with crazy hormones that have been racking havoc on me and my tear ducts. Another one of my friends is at the same hospital in labor right as we speak, so I hope she has that baby and is up for a visitor when we pop in. I am looking forward to a little baby dust from the new borns. 

IUI # 3

Rob and I just got doing what we do best- cooking together in the kitchen. We really are a great team and work together so very well. Our parents always compliment our ability to work together and not bicker.

This last month since Rob has lost his job has been extremely stressful. Some marriages would crumble under the stress and the pressure. I honestly can say our marriage is stronger and better. For the passed month I feel like Rob has appreciated me more, has a better understanding of all the mundane things I take care of, and I feel like we have overcome something to make us stronger as a couple.

It made me think of when we do get to have kids we really are going to be a great team.

We're going to work together and we going to raise kids that can cook in the kitchen, play in the field, and do whatever they set their mind too.

We're going to raise honest -faithful kids who understand what respect is.

When we get the chance- we're gonna do all those things and more.. when we get the chance.

Today was IUI #3 and I still feel terrible about it.

I ovulated 1 Follicle and Rob had a 40 million count post wash.

I saw Dr. V today who makes me feel very uneasy. I never feel like he has it all together. I feel like he doesn't read about his patients prior to meeting them and it made me more uneasy than I was before.

Two main conversations put me off - One he walked in with a waiver for me to sign making sure I understand what an IUI is- he stated "being this is your first IUI .."

Uh. Nope. Try 3rd. You probably should already know that dude.

Then afterwards as he's about to walk out without talking to me I brought up the Endometrin. I have three giant boxes and I know how suppositories work and all - but shouldn't the doctor be the one to explain them in a bit more detail? Like when to start them. What I can expect. When to stop. I research a lot on my own. I ask questions and I talk to my friends - I get it, but when I asked about the Endometrin his reply was "Oh you want to start them?"

Dude. Your office prescribed them to me.

I don't want to try anything. I want to have wild unprotected sex and get pregnant like the chicks on 16 and pregnant. Not have to shove anything in my va-jay-jay for any purpose other than pleasure.

Since that is not an option at this point bring on the suppositories, needles and whatever else you feel I need to make this work- but don't forget to read my chart next time you talk to me.

So we wait.

For the next two weeks I shove Endometrin up the va-jay-jay.

Next week 7 days post IUI I have blood work for my P4 check- which better be high - since the Endometrin is being introduced for that very purpose.

Then 7 days later I test and have a beta done. More than likely the added progesterone will hold off AF.

So here's to another 2 week wait.

As always prayers and well wishes warmly welcomed!

IUI # 2

So after much stress and schedule changes to get there we had IUI # 2 today.

I went to a different office and saw a different doctor- (and now we pray for a different outcome as well) who off the bat made me feel so good about this cycle. He greeted me by shaking my hand and said- "I feel lucky don't you here's some luck"

A lot of this process is about luck. Getting the good eggs. Getting good counts. Getting good lining. Luckily finding coverage to get there.

I asked for an ultrasound prior to IUI to determine if I actually ovulated. He said while they don't normally do this at this practice it can't hurt anything and he obliged. I definitely ovulated the two larger follicles and there is a possibility that I ovulated a smaller follicle as well. I felt much better knowing I definitely ovulated. Rob's counts were almost double our last IUI at 46 million post wash.


The IUI itself was very painful compared to the last IUI. Dr P said it could be due to the Clomid and how it messes with the cervical mucus. The pain was gone after the procedure was done and I feel fine now. We talked about what happens if there is a next cycle. We will try one more Clomid cycle since I did respond well to it this cycle. They probably will not go up to 200mg with it however it will depend on my 7 days post IUI blood work to determine the definite next treatment plan. We also discussed the possibility of progesterone supplementation. Dr P told me we will wait to see what my progesterone is at 7 days post IUI. If it is low we will proceed with progesterone supplementation. He said that he has seen people with progesterone as low as mine was last cycle and still conceive.

All in all everything is aligned for a good cycle.

All in all I really think this is the cycle. I know I have felt that before-- but this time I feel like maybe something is different<3

Now we wait :) --I am soooo sick of waiting FYI


Prayers and well wishes- baby dances- always always welcome<3