The 2 Week Wait Is Over

Today marks 14 days post IUI... aka the 2 week wait is up.

I've had negative HPT's the last few days, so it wasn't exactly a surprise that it was negative again today. I called my RN triage line at my clinic and unlike last cycle where they just requested I just stop the progesterone and call them on cycle day 1, this cycle they still want me to come in for a Beta. 

Which I think is crap. Why so you can call me while I am at work tomorrow and tell me I am not pregnant? 

She told me HPT's aren't always reliable. I call bs personally. I've been super crampy and Im pretty sure the second I stop the progesterone that 14mm lining is going to expel itself from my body. 

Its not going to be pretty. 

For real. 

I don't know what to do. I know that my clinic is only going to do 1 more IUI prior to recommending IVF, but we still don't have any understanding of why these IUI's haven't worked so far. 

I want more testing. I want some kind of answer. I really feel like these IUIs have become just a shot in the dark. Perfect lining, mature eggs, and a wonderful sperm count and still nothing. Something just isn't happening the way it should. 

Something is still wrong.

I feel like if I do go the IVF route I want to go to a larger medical center where I know they have had a lot of success. I do have an appointment for a meeting with that Center in November. There are issues involving this other clinic- such as its location... 

I think my plan for this moment (which is totally subject to change) is to have IUI 6 at my closer, more convenient clinic. I'm pretty sure they plan on doing another Menopur cycle, and I have a lot of Menopur left from my last cycle. I will pray that IUI 6 is the magic one and that no further choices need to be made- 

However if they do I think I may take November and December completely off of all things fertility. Detox my body, not take a single HPT, OPK, or BBT.  Focus only my acupuncture and TCM and then meet with the new doctor in January instead. Focus on my mental and physical health. Exercise. 

Its no secret that these treatments do a number on our bodies and our minds. I feel exhausted and defeated. I feel bloated and puffy. 

I feel sad. 

I may have posted this picture before- I can't remember- but its my motto to get through all of this- 

On top of all of the infertility issues I've been dealing with an issue with my neck. For about six weeks I have been in spasm and experiencing pain, weakness, stiffness, numbness and tingling. Its been a real joy. 

Yesterday I finally visited a specialist for cervical (neck) pain. I had a ton of x-rays (which included a very strange discussion about getting x-rays at 13 days post IUI and then explaining what an IUI is to a X-ray tech...ultimately I knew I was not pregnant that morning and I knew the chances of my actually being pregnant were so small and I knew I had to get these x-rays done in order to get treatment so I had them done.) I then had two cortisone shots into my neck and shoulder- which hurt like crazy. I start physical therapy today. 

I am praying for some relief in the pain. 

Which brings me to my next issue- insurance. Apparently PT is not covered and I will have to pay a 500$ deductible for treatment. That's right folks, my insurance will cover IVF and IUI BUT you injure your neck and PT is out. Its insane to me.. 

So today I go to PT to see what kinda cash were talking about. DH is still not working full time, we are getting by and not struggling, but we don't need anything else on top of it. 

Included in my insurance whoas- remember Pam from Horizon who said all my insurance issues would be fixed? 

Well thats a bunch of hooey. I have a pile of EOBs here that say otherwise. So on top of trying to sort out PT I need to continue to battle for my fertility treatment too. 

Hence why I think it may be the best to just wait until the new year to start with a new doctor. This new doctor comes very well recommended  however its about an hour further away and thats going to be a scheduling nightmare that I am going to have to work out and okay with both my coworkers and my boss. 

So all in all I am not pregnant today. -BOO

IUI 5 would seem to be a bust, but they are making me get a Beta anyway- BOO

I have cervical myofascial pain, but cant get PT covered by my insurance company- BOO

My insurance company is on my very last nerve- BOO

I have big, major choices to make ahead- BOO

I'm not going to let is all get to me though. I just have to try to stay positive- especially since DH is not the epitome of happy-go-lucky right now. I have to do my best to keep up beat, because depression and sadness really won't make anything any better. I will not accept defeat- not yet. 

Woo-sah. Just keep swimming. Chin up buttercup.. and all those other cliche sayings... 

IUI #5

Everything went so well today- 

First Rob got me a good luck charm. He text me yesterday while I was at work and told me he had a gift for me on the kitchen table. When I got home I found this: 

Its a Origami Owl custom necklace. A few weeks ago we were out with a few friends and I admired one of the girls necklaces and told Rob it was something I would like someday. Well Rob went online and chose a necklace made just for me- 

Flip-Flops- because I LOVE my flip flops

Sand Dollar- to represent where we were married - the beach 

Softball- because I have always played 

I Love My Dog- because I'm slightly obsessed with my dog

Emerald Heart- my birthstone 

Medical Symbol- to represent my line of work 

Margarita- to represent all the good times 

Wedding Ring- to represent our marriage 

He did good. So today I put my necklace on and headed off for IUI # 5. Rob dropped off at 8:30 and I arrived at 9:30. I waited a bit in the office and then was taken back. Rob had an amazing post wash count of 81 million. 

The first thing my nurse did was compliment my necklace. She even told Dr. S he should get one for his wife, which made him laugh. He explained he doesn't do sentimental things like that his wife would think he went crazy. I explained what all the charms represented during my IUI. There is something about laughing with your doctor that makes it seem a little better given the circumstances. 

Then my nurse pointed to the ceiling: 

She told me the story of the wind chimes. A woman who had been coming to the clinic for over a year was given this wind chime by a friend while she was going through her infertility journey. When the women found out she was pregnant- yesterday- she brought in the wind chimes. They hung them in the room as a good luck charm. 

Well I felt so blessed. I have had so many of you emailing me today and so many good luck charms being placed in my path. Everything seems so good for this cycle. 

My lining was 14mm, I had 3 good mature follicles and Rob had a great count. Everything looks so good. 

Not my best photo..

So I laid back and tried to make some babies.. .

I know that we did everything we needed to do on our behalf this cycle. Its in Gods hands now. 

After my IUI I went to acupuncture and had a very relaxing session. I have my next session scheduled for next week on Thursday- hopefully right around implantation time. 

Thank you all for thinking of us today. 

The two week wait begins.... 

IUI 5- Go For Launch!

 The title of this really doesn’t leave much to the imagination- as you can see, despite all of the ups and downs and the crazy roller coaster ride that this cycle took us on, we ARE moving forward with IUI # 5 on Wednesday morning.

The Nitty Gritty of IUI #5 as of this mornings appointment-

Right Ovary- 16mm

Left Ovary- 19mm & 16mm follicles

Lining- 14mm (14!!)

After not thinking any of my follicles were going to mature and after multiple medications adjustments we now have 3 pretty mature follicles and an amazing lining.  

What does this mean- well there is a chance of multiples- and my APN and doctors wanted me to be fully aware of it. We had a good talk about this cycle and how all over the place it has been and then I talked to DH and together we all collectively decided to move forward despite the chance of triplets.

Its a slim chance since I have had multiple failed IUI's with multiple follicles in the past. Its pretty much all in God's hands and that is the only way I can look at it.

This quote from Joel Osteen left me with some peace about our choice this morning-

"Nothing can happen without God's permission and God will not allow a difficulty unless He has a divine purpose for it. If you will keep your peace, you'll pass the test, and God will bring you out better than you were before."

As we move forward it will be in peace.

So tonight I will trigger with Ovidrel at 9:30pm and Wednesday Rob will do his part and my IUI will be around 09:30am.

I have acupuncture scheduled for 10:30am and I am off for the rest of the day so I plan on having a peaceful calm day hoping and praying that my uterus becomes a nice comfy-cozy residing place for a baby or two.

I also am planning acupuncture 7DPO IUI for *hopefully* the day of or close to implantation.

I feel very lucky that we even made it to IUI at all. It did not seem promising when we first started this cycle. I also feel very hopeful that this is our cycle and our chance to get our BFP.

I can not possibly thank you all enough for all your prayers and well wishes as we move forward in this cycle!! I feel you all rooting for us and lifting us up in your thoughts and prayers and I greatly appreciate it all.

IUI 5- Go For Launch!!

Baby Bumps Galore and Happy Wedding Day!

I typically do a snapshot on Sunday’s, but I have a lot to say today and just a snapshot was not going to cut the cake my dear friends-

Yesterday was my cousins beautiful Wedding Day! It was PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL and I could not be happier for the both of them and their family!!

　

　

(I explained the cousin marry my other sorta-ish-but-not-really cousin here if you want to play catch up on that which is my large family!)

　

　

Let me start by saying I love baby bumps. I really do LOVE them. I have nothing against them really- other than I want one and I don't have one so they make me a bit sad and stir some feelings of jealousy these days. However, other than that, I think that a baby bump is the perfect accessory, but holy macaroni was I not prepared for the onslaught of baby bumpage that I encountered at my cousins wedding.

It was baby bump madness! Madness I tell you!! I have seen less baby bumps sitting in my ob/gyn office on a Monday morning after another BFN (prime time for find all the baby bumps waiting for blood work..)

The countdown:

　

-Both photographers were female- both sporting very obvious baby bumpage.

-Both women who sat behind Rob and me during the ceremony were talking about their pregnancies- I turned around and you guessed it -both sporting baby bumpage.

-My cousins came up to talk and he was with his wife who - you guessed it again more baby bumpage.

-4 additional guests whom I did not know- that's right ya'll 4 addiontal baby bumps.

　　

So the baby bumpage total count- 9!

9 muh-haha- haha.

9 very noticeable baby bumps, which I felt were just staring at me.

Baby Bumps are beautiful. I love them and I want one. Let me be crystal clear here- all these women looked adorable with their bumps and even the ones I don’t know I was happy for. To sport a baby bump is an honor and I hope to get to sport one to a wedding someday (soon) too. It was just a lot of baby bumps in not a lot of space for a little old IFer like me to take in.

You know I really do believe in signs from above. Hopefully they were all there for me to see for a reason. All hopefully a sign foreshadowing my future.

　

The thing is I must not have been the only one to notice it, because there was a lot of IF talk at this wedding. That is strange for me because honestly other than a few of my closest friends and Rob- most of my IF talk is done here and solely here.

　

What sparked the IF talk was the inevitable questions that family ask when you haven't seen them in a bit. Well I should say question- "When are you having kids of your own.."

I am vowing to never ask this question- EVER. I strongly request that if you are thinking of asking this question you divert it to some other line of questioning. {Something in the safe zone would be- hows your gardening/knitting/sowing/crafting going.}

You have no idea why cousin so and so does not have kids so asking this question could spur some sadness and hurt and unless your close with cousin so and so it may not be the most appropriate thing to ask.

　

My answer normally is always the standard "when it happens it happens." This makes it easier to skirt around the actual question without having to explain too much to people who probably don't want to hear about my malfunctioning lady business.

Instead (probably fueled by a few drinks I’m not gonna lie) when I was first asked this by a cousin I opened up somewhat and instead of my normal go to lines said- "when my body decides cooperates." Which prompted her to ask what that meant… and then I opened up about our IF struggles and how we were in the midst our 5^th IUI. She did tell me I "should just adopt". Like that’s the easiest thing in the world. Instead of going on my "just adopt" tangent I said its always an option, because it is- but were just not there yet and its not "just" that easy.

　　

Then we were seated at our table with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in forever. In fact her father was our Pastor at our wedding. He did the ceremony and blessing at my cousins wedding as well and we all sat together which was really nice. K and I were best of friends growing up and had similar back grounds. We were even married within a few weeks of one another. I asked K how her and her husband have been and she lead by saying "well we did the hole fertility thing.." and then went on from there about their last three years.

　

Since I haven't talked to her much I wasn't sure if this was her telling me she too went through fertility treatments or if she was working at a fertility office. I really didn't know- but being fueled by a few cocktails- I backed her story up and just came out and asked her.

　

Lo' and behold her and her husband also have been going through the same thing. Who knew?? We talked about our similar stories and she told me her RE horror story. My heart aches for where they were left in their journey- but that is their story to share. We vowed to stay in touch and it was so nice to reconnect with her. I’m sure God placed her next to me at our table to talk for a reason.

　

But that’s not all that happened at this wedding involving my malfunctioning lady parts.

　

I have another cousin who was there who I have not seen in quiet some time. We got to talking and I knew that she underwent fertility treatments to have her son as well. We never openly talked about it, but I felt compelled to have a conversation with her about it…I guess all the IF talk going on geared me up.

You see my cousin M's husband tragically died in a car accident right after she had IVF and found out she was finally pregnant with her son. So I know it’s probably not the easiest subject for her to discuss- so I asked her if she was okay to talk about it with me. She grabbed my hand and said always. We talked a bit and she asked me to come over to her house for dinner so we can sit and talk some more. She wants me to go to her doctor and she really wants me to sit and talk with her about why she was not happy with my current RE office.

　　

She told me one more thing- she has frozen embryo's and eggs which she’s been storing even though she won't be using them. (After M's husbands death she met a new man whom has kids of his own, together they have a beautiful family and she won't be doing IVF again) She said she really didn't know why she's been storing them all along, but she wanted me to know that if I needed donor eggs or embryo's that I am welcome to hers.

So were clear here- she offered me her eggs and/or embryo's as donors if we ever need to cross that bridge.

　　

Well cue the tears. Seriously. What a wonderful gesture. I know that making that decision would be a way aways from where we are, but I can't help but to be grateful for the offer.

　

Even writing about it now and thinking about her offer brings tears to my eyes. There really is a reason for everything and I'm beyond grateful for M and I can't wait to sit down and talk some more with her about her journey and IVF.

　

As I was crying my other cousin’s wife (M's sister in law) was standing with us and told me that she knows that I am going to be a Mommy. She told me she had goose bumps and she just knows it in her heart.

Then she also opened up to me about their struggle to have a second child. They have been trying for number 2 for 2 years and she is 37. I told her there is such a thing as secondary infertility- and suggested she seek some additional assistance in having number 2. We cried together and I know that she and I have not been close in the passed (in fact yesterday was my first time meeting her face to face!), but I truly feel like I have a new friend and prayer warrior in her as well.

　

So to round up all this mumbo-jumbo- (which I feel is sort of discombobulated and all over the place and for that I am sorry..)

I have lots and lots and lots of cousins and sorta-ish cousins and cousins in law and sorta-ish not really cousins.

　　

There were 9 baby bumps bouncing around and I really, really, really, want one.

　　

I opened up to some family members about IF and our struggle and now have more people praying and hoping for us and along side of us. 

　　

One of my long lost friends was seated next to me and I now have someone else to pray with and go through this journey with.

　

My cousin M is an absolute angel and we have a date to discuss my future treatments.

　

My cousin's wife is going to be one of my new best friends.

　

Oh and speaking of cousin's- Lauren and Jimmy had the most beautiful wedding. I know I am hot- hormonal-mess- but I truly cried my eyes out at their ceremony. They had their own vows which made us all laugh and cry with them and there is no doubt in my mind that they are perfect for one another.

I wish them many years of continued happiness, love, and blessings.

Tomorrow is the day- We find out what those follicles are doing and where we go from here. Is IUI 5 a go or no go for launch? Only about 24 hrs till we have that answer…

Happy ICLW~ IUI 5- Proceeding w/ Caution

Happy ICLW thanks for stopping by!! If you haven't followed along so far here is a quick update for our Journey So Far.

If you aren't familiar with ICLW its a wonderful group of women who have become some of my best friends and biggest supporters- you can read more about ICLW here. If you are looking for a group to help pick you up and cheer you on they got your back :) 

So far IUI #5 has gone like this- 

-First no follicles wanted to grow. 

--Then no follies grew again. 

---Then one follie showed some initiative and grew enough to keep the cycle moving forward and left a little hope. 

Which brings us to today- first off my lining is T/L 12mm which is prime baby making goodness. Three cheers for uterine lining! 

My Right Ovary- which was 11mm and (2) 9mm follies- today they are 16mm and (2) 13mm -my cyst seems almost resolved. He didn't even measure it. 

My Left Ovary-which was 9mm and 8mm follies- today they are (2) 13mm 

So we went from little to no hope to possibly having to cancel the cycle because if they all continue to grow we would be talking about the possibility of 5 mature follicles. 

Dr O says he doesn't want me to trigger yet and I need to come back again in Monday for yet again another ultrasound and more blood work. Im also continue 225 IU Menopur and Dex .25 daily. 


**edited my APN just called and told me my estrogen is still low and they do want me to up my Menopur to 300 IU daily till Monday. Which officially scares me, but she says its going to be just fine. 


There are a few scenarios here- 

Scenario 1- I surge on my own and ovulate prior to Monday's appt. IUI would be canceled and DH and I should proceed with caution on TI b/c lord only knows how many follicles I could release. I have a friend who had twins with a 14mm follie. 

Scenario 2- I don't surge on my own. I return Monday and the perfect/ideal number of follicles continue to mature. 3 at most continue growing and then I trigger and have my IUI Wednesday. 

Scenario 3- Anything over 3 matures and the IUI is cancelled fearing high order multiples. 

So now I go from praying "grow grow grow" to asking for God to only let a few grow and stop some of the others. I feel like I am being picky here, but quintuplets is not something I am ready for, however I am ready for a baby or two. 

God has a plan here. Praying it all turns out exactly how its suppose to. 

Happy ICLW my friends and thanks for all your well wishes, happy thoughts, and prayers. IUI 5 is still moving forward- however with caution. 

My Follicles are JUST Like a Fine Wine.

I started my day by reading Text From Dog.

If you are not familiar- please take a moment and read them all. THEM ALL.

(source)

Here. Here is a tissue cause I know you are laughing and there are tears coming from your eyes. Happy happy happy tears. Cause that Dog is a funny guy.

He set my mood for the day. Who doesn’t like to start their day with belly laughs? Especially prior to going to a RE appointment. Especially caused by some fictional dog and his owner?

After reading Text From Dog I headed in for my u/s and blood work appt today and I have decided that my follicles are very comparable to fine wine.

-Francis Coppola’s Reserve Pinot Noir – if your buying/wondering :)

　

Fine wine takes a longer time to come to be. Many people like to skip the lengthy process of making fine wines instead making cheapy knock offs. The reason really is profitability. The shorter amount of time to make a product the quicker the turn over. More money. Who doesn’t want more profit.

Who doesn’t want bigger, more mature, juicier follicles?

Who doesn’t want them as fast a possible?

Sign me up folks. Id love juicier follicles- faster. Or at the very least at a normal rate of speed.

Well my little follicles are maturing just like a fine wine. Taking their good ol’ sweet time and as long as my body doesn't ovulate them prior to them maturing fully then we still have a shot at this cycle.

There is still hope.

Still a shot.

Still a maybe.

　

Since Monday I have been upped to 225 IU Menopur- which I will continue until IUI or IUI cancellation. On Monday all of my follicles were 10mm and under- no/nada/zilch in the growth department- today I have an 11mm follicle on the Right along with (2) 9mm follicles and lingering cyst which has gotten somewhat smaller at 11mm. On my Left ovary I have a 9mm follicle. My lining has gone down, but is still acceptable at 8mm.

What does all that mumbo-jumbo mean? Some growth. Albeit minimal.

But as long as there is a shot.... As long as there is some growth I am holding onto hope.

What does all this mean?

　

It means my follies really are taking their damn time growing this cycle and its not very promising, but there is still a shot that they can grow and mature as long as my body doesn't ovulate them on their own.

　

If we can get at least one follicle to at least 16mm they won't cancel the IUI.

All and all its a waiting and praying game now.

　

I go back for another u/s and more bloodwork on Saturday. Until I am told that this cycle is over- I will continue to move forward daily with hope that there is still a chance.

　

Speaking of Saturday—it really is going to be a day. I have to go to the office which is about an hour further away since its the weekend. I have a 07:15 appt time and then I need to come home and go to my cousins’ wedding.

　

Funny (ish) story about this wedding to spread some happy lovey dovey thoughts.

　

My one cousin -JA is kinda/sorta marrying my other cousin -LC- not in a back woods incestuous kinda way- but in a JA is my cousin, but LC is my cousin on the other side of my family's cousin. We all grew up together since we are all the same age and when I was little I really didn't understand the entire "she's your cousin but her cousins on the other side of her family are not your cousin's non sense" - so on Saturday my one cousin is marrying my other "cousin."

　

Ta-dah. Love stories folks :) cousins marrying cousins and fine wine xoxo

And if that’s all too much to follow –which I completely understand- head to Text From Dog.

IUI Take 5

Today was my cycle day three ultra sound and blood work.

The tally is- left ovary 6 follicles under 10mm and right ovary 8 under 10mm..

Oh and the trouble maker right ovary has a 14mm cyst which is most likely left over from ovulation last month. The APN told me this should not be a problem at all and they don’t expect it to be producing hormones so I shouldn’t worry myself one bit. So I'm not going to. 

I discussed how my acupuncturist mentioned trying some chinese herbs and teas and she said that was okay by her, however she would like to know what he wants me to take and she will take a closer look at them when she see's me next. I am scheduled to see the acupuncturist tomorrow, so I will keep you all posted on his plan as well. 

So far her plan- 

I am to start Menopur 150 IU tonight w/ my .25mg Dex and come back on Friday morning for more blood work and another ultra sound.

Originally they wanted me to return on Saturday, but when my nurse went to set up my Saturday appointment -at the office that is an hour away because my office doesn’t have Saturday hours- she asked me what time would be a good fit for my Saturday. I didn’t really say anything- just contorted my face and then said it didn’t matter I would figure it out somehow. Then she pried for more information.

I told her I was working on the ambulance so I would have to call out. It’s not like when I work in dispatch and my boss there comes in and can cover me while I run to an appointment 5 minutes from work. I can’t traipse my ambulance over an hour out of our coverage area and attend an appointment.

She told me I was being far to easy going and to speak up they will work it out for me so I don’t have to call out.

My nurse then went to the APN and asked to move my appointment to Friday for me. Which it was within seconds and there was no fuss.

I’m so thankful for the ladies at my RE office. They really do care and try to make things easier on their patients. They remember me and my job. They ask about my likes and dislikes. They ask about how I am feeling. They grab my hand and look into my eyes and I really feel like even though I say I am fine they know on a deeper level that I am sad and this does blow. I’m thankful for them, because just holding my hand for a moment in time can warm my heart.

My boss does the same thing. She doesn’t pry and ask questions, she just took my hand in hers and said I’m sorry. I know its genuine. She really wishes there was something more she could do and she is always willing to help me whether its covering me while I run to appointments or helping me find coverage on holidays to make it to IUI appointments at the other office.

Speaking of people that help make this journey a touch easier.. 

The other night I sat around a table with two of my girl friends. We drank wine and Woodchuck Pumpkin Cider. (Very good if your inquiring minds were wondering..) We let is all out and we cried and we laughed and we cried because we were laughing. The three of us are all going through some particularly hard times and we talked about all of them. Every last drop of sad and every bit of "this blows" in our lives we let out. We offered support without judgment. We shed tears and felt lighter afterwards, because we weren’t on our journey’s alone. I felt lighter because I released the sad and there was space left again for the good. I woke up the next morning feeling renewed and full of faith again.

Faith that this will work out exactly the way it is suppose to. That the "Super Follie" from last month just was not meant to be. It’s not the baby I am suppose to have and sadly not part of the plan. I was reminded that everything happens for a reason. While we can’t exactly see that bigger picture while we are dealing with our heartaches and sadness in the moments that they are happening, there really is a bigger picture and it will someday make perfect crystal clear sense. Someday the picture that is suppose to be there is going to come into focus and we will understand our struggles.

There is a baby out there that is suppose to be ours. We are suppose to be parents and this journey, and the blows we are being dealt during it, and the lessons we have learned,all of the friendships that have blossomed are just stepping stones which are all strengthening our love towards a child that we have not met just yet and that is not yet ours. But I’m not giving up my faith- he/she is out there. Someone will look into my eyes one day and will call me some form of Mama.

I really do feel good about this cycle. I have felt good in the passed as well, but this time I know things can go one of two ways- it works or it doesn’t and I really have no control over either of those outcomes. I’m going to control what I am able to- taking my medications on time, eating right, staying hydrated, limiting my stress, SMILING, relaxing, and sleeping. I have control over those things and I will do my part and my very best to make this cycle a success.

There is no point to think about the negative. Positivity breeds positivity.

So its happy day my beautiful friends. Smile bright and try to help lift someone else out of their despair today.

I’m going to move forward into this cycle with a good, positive, happy attitude and hope for the very best.

What can you do to spread some happiness, smiles, and positivity around? What are you doing to make yourself happy today?

Try your best to be the positive force in the room today, because whether we know it or not everyone is fighting something...