BFN, Pinterest Party, Home Repairs.. and Wine Time

Good morning loves. I couldn't come up with a creative title to tie this all together… 

I did it. I tested this morning for two reasons-

1) I think a lot of this missed period mumbo jumbo ordeal is mental. Mentally I am blocking AF. So maybe if I see the stark white, while it will suck royally, it will help with the mental blockade so to speak. 

2) Tonight is a girls get together. Its called a Pinterest Party, where everyone chooses a recipe or craft from Pinterest and recreates it for the group. There will be wine and drink and if I want to responsibly take part in the vino I need to know for sure that I am not pregnant. 

The results? 

Bring on the vino. 

Stark white negative. I was going to share a picture, but its depressing and I know how much BFN's suck for me to view so why keep viewing it.  

I really already knew this, but I also had some hope that maybe I would be that girl. The one waiting for her IVF cycle that miraculously ended up pregnant. Alas that girl is not me. At least not this time. At least I can have a glass of wine tonight and prepare to move forward mentally…and hopefully physically as well. Thank you all for your hope and prayers- you ladies are so wonderful at being the optimist when the pessimist in me takes over. 

So about this Pinterest Party- tonight I am making this: 

(source)



 

If you follow the source it will lead you to the recipe. Once I make it I will share a picture of the actual results with all of you as well:) Wanna take part in a virtual Pinterest Party? Share a picture of a recipe or craft or really anything you have tried to make as a result of finding on Pinterest or the Interweb. Share a photo of the end results with all of us and let us know how you made out! No harm in failures either. Don't believe me? Then you have never been to this site- Craft Fail. Need a laugh? Having a rough day, week, or month? I will guarantee something on  craft fail will bring you a laugh and some joy :) 

I also wanted to share the photos of our home repairs - 

This is the "nursery to be" this wall you are looking at boarders the bathroom and was completely destroyed by the leaks as well as the ceiling. Its painted green so that its ready for our bundle or joy(s) no matter their gender :)

I've made the "nursery to be" my Santa workshop. I want Santa to bring me a baby to fill this nursery so I figure while I listen to my Christmas music and wrap I will pray for this room to always be filled with love and joy. I avoid this room a lot, but not this holiday. 

This is our bathroom that was completely destroyed. The titling and walls and ceiling are all new. Its so pretty now. 

The wall tiling behind the shower is completely new. It is not only beautiful, but its functional since the shower is a very wet place to begin with the tiling will help the moisture from penetrating the walls again. 

Last night Rob hung all of our art back up. It looks perfect now.

Today I am going to lunch with a girl friend and then cooking for the Pinterest Party. It will be a great distraction and hopefully AF will appear now that I removed the mental blockade. 

My Follicles are JUST Like a Fine Wine.

I started my day by reading Text From Dog.

If you are not familiar- please take a moment and read them all. THEM ALL.

(source)

Here. Here is a tissue cause I know you are laughing and there are tears coming from your eyes. Happy happy happy tears. Cause that Dog is a funny guy.

He set my mood for the day. Who doesn’t like to start their day with belly laughs? Especially prior to going to a RE appointment. Especially caused by some fictional dog and his owner?

After reading Text From Dog I headed in for my u/s and blood work appt today and I have decided that my follicles are very comparable to fine wine.

-Francis Coppola’s Reserve Pinot Noir – if your buying/wondering :)

　

Fine wine takes a longer time to come to be. Many people like to skip the lengthy process of making fine wines instead making cheapy knock offs. The reason really is profitability. The shorter amount of time to make a product the quicker the turn over. More money. Who doesn’t want more profit.

Who doesn’t want bigger, more mature, juicier follicles?

Who doesn’t want them as fast a possible?

Sign me up folks. Id love juicier follicles- faster. Or at the very least at a normal rate of speed.

Well my little follicles are maturing just like a fine wine. Taking their good ol’ sweet time and as long as my body doesn't ovulate them prior to them maturing fully then we still have a shot at this cycle.

There is still hope.

Still a shot.

Still a maybe.

　

Since Monday I have been upped to 225 IU Menopur- which I will continue until IUI or IUI cancellation. On Monday all of my follicles were 10mm and under- no/nada/zilch in the growth department- today I have an 11mm follicle on the Right along with (2) 9mm follicles and lingering cyst which has gotten somewhat smaller at 11mm. On my Left ovary I have a 9mm follicle. My lining has gone down, but is still acceptable at 8mm.

What does all that mumbo-jumbo mean? Some growth. Albeit minimal.

But as long as there is a shot.... As long as there is some growth I am holding onto hope.

What does all this mean?

　

It means my follies really are taking their damn time growing this cycle and its not very promising, but there is still a shot that they can grow and mature as long as my body doesn't ovulate them on their own.

　

If we can get at least one follicle to at least 16mm they won't cancel the IUI.

All and all its a waiting and praying game now.

　

I go back for another u/s and more bloodwork on Saturday. Until I am told that this cycle is over- I will continue to move forward daily with hope that there is still a chance.

　

Speaking of Saturday—it really is going to be a day. I have to go to the office which is about an hour further away since its the weekend. I have a 07:15 appt time and then I need to come home and go to my cousins’ wedding.

　

Funny (ish) story about this wedding to spread some happy lovey dovey thoughts.

　

My one cousin -JA is kinda/sorta marrying my other cousin -LC- not in a back woods incestuous kinda way- but in a JA is my cousin, but LC is my cousin on the other side of my family's cousin. We all grew up together since we are all the same age and when I was little I really didn't understand the entire "she's your cousin but her cousins on the other side of her family are not your cousin's non sense" - so on Saturday my one cousin is marrying my other "cousin."

　

Ta-dah. Love stories folks :) cousins marrying cousins and fine wine xoxo

And if that’s all too much to follow –which I completely understand- head to Text From Dog.

IUI Take 5

Today was my cycle day three ultra sound and blood work.

The tally is- left ovary 6 follicles under 10mm and right ovary 8 under 10mm..

Oh and the trouble maker right ovary has a 14mm cyst which is most likely left over from ovulation last month. The APN told me this should not be a problem at all and they don’t expect it to be producing hormones so I shouldn’t worry myself one bit. So I'm not going to. 

I discussed how my acupuncturist mentioned trying some chinese herbs and teas and she said that was okay by her, however she would like to know what he wants me to take and she will take a closer look at them when she see's me next. I am scheduled to see the acupuncturist tomorrow, so I will keep you all posted on his plan as well. 

So far her plan- 

I am to start Menopur 150 IU tonight w/ my .25mg Dex and come back on Friday morning for more blood work and another ultra sound.

Originally they wanted me to return on Saturday, but when my nurse went to set up my Saturday appointment -at the office that is an hour away because my office doesn’t have Saturday hours- she asked me what time would be a good fit for my Saturday. I didn’t really say anything- just contorted my face and then said it didn’t matter I would figure it out somehow. Then she pried for more information.

I told her I was working on the ambulance so I would have to call out. It’s not like when I work in dispatch and my boss there comes in and can cover me while I run to an appointment 5 minutes from work. I can’t traipse my ambulance over an hour out of our coverage area and attend an appointment.

She told me I was being far to easy going and to speak up they will work it out for me so I don’t have to call out.

My nurse then went to the APN and asked to move my appointment to Friday for me. Which it was within seconds and there was no fuss.

I’m so thankful for the ladies at my RE office. They really do care and try to make things easier on their patients. They remember me and my job. They ask about my likes and dislikes. They ask about how I am feeling. They grab my hand and look into my eyes and I really feel like even though I say I am fine they know on a deeper level that I am sad and this does blow. I’m thankful for them, because just holding my hand for a moment in time can warm my heart.

My boss does the same thing. She doesn’t pry and ask questions, she just took my hand in hers and said I’m sorry. I know its genuine. She really wishes there was something more she could do and she is always willing to help me whether its covering me while I run to appointments or helping me find coverage on holidays to make it to IUI appointments at the other office.

Speaking of people that help make this journey a touch easier.. 

The other night I sat around a table with two of my girl friends. We drank wine and Woodchuck Pumpkin Cider. (Very good if your inquiring minds were wondering..) We let is all out and we cried and we laughed and we cried because we were laughing. The three of us are all going through some particularly hard times and we talked about all of them. Every last drop of sad and every bit of "this blows" in our lives we let out. We offered support without judgment. We shed tears and felt lighter afterwards, because we weren’t on our journey’s alone. I felt lighter because I released the sad and there was space left again for the good. I woke up the next morning feeling renewed and full of faith again.

Faith that this will work out exactly the way it is suppose to. That the "Super Follie" from last month just was not meant to be. It’s not the baby I am suppose to have and sadly not part of the plan. I was reminded that everything happens for a reason. While we can’t exactly see that bigger picture while we are dealing with our heartaches and sadness in the moments that they are happening, there really is a bigger picture and it will someday make perfect crystal clear sense. Someday the picture that is suppose to be there is going to come into focus and we will understand our struggles.

There is a baby out there that is suppose to be ours. We are suppose to be parents and this journey, and the blows we are being dealt during it, and the lessons we have learned,all of the friendships that have blossomed are just stepping stones which are all strengthening our love towards a child that we have not met just yet and that is not yet ours. But I’m not giving up my faith- he/she is out there. Someone will look into my eyes one day and will call me some form of Mama.

I really do feel good about this cycle. I have felt good in the passed as well, but this time I know things can go one of two ways- it works or it doesn’t and I really have no control over either of those outcomes. I’m going to control what I am able to- taking my medications on time, eating right, staying hydrated, limiting my stress, SMILING, relaxing, and sleeping. I have control over those things and I will do my part and my very best to make this cycle a success.

There is no point to think about the negative. Positivity breeds positivity.

So its happy day my beautiful friends. Smile bright and try to help lift someone else out of their despair today.

I’m going to move forward into this cycle with a good, positive, happy attitude and hope for the very best.

What can you do to spread some happiness, smiles, and positivity around? What are you doing to make yourself happy today?

Try your best to be the positive force in the room today, because whether we know it or not everyone is fighting something...