The Great Christmas Card Meltdown

I just love this time of the year. I love to decorate my home. I love to cook for my family and friends and I love to sing along to Christmas carols.

I typically love to address every single one of my Christmas cards. With each card I think of the relationships I have with these people. I pass my finger over my address book and touch on each connection I have made in my life. I take a special moment to pause over everyone as I address their cards. I say a prayer and wish them a blessed New Year. I take a seperate moment to think of those who's addresses stay in my address book- but they have passed on. Sometimes I cry as I think of a life that is gone too soon or as I look at my Grandparents names shouting out at me. Then I take a moment and I talk to them as well. Christmas cards are special to me. Addressing each of those cards means something to me.

I am a crazy hoarder as well- I save every. single. card. Repeating-- if you have sent me a Christmas card -EVER- I have it still. It remains in a box. Why you ask? Because my mom did this because she would say that each person took the time to send you that card and she didn't have it in her to have the cards wind up in the trash bin. As children we would use the Christmas cards in our crafts and make Christmas ornaments. So know if you send me card  I keep it always.

Its a big part of the Holiday's for me. Its special.

This year it was the cause of a major meltdown though. As I searched the internet to find the perfect Christmas card to convey exactly what I wanted it to I was continuously confronted with photos of babies and childeren looking adorable and frolicking in the snow and singing our songs of joy- and my heart broke.

Will I ever be able to send a Christmas card to my friends and family with our kids on the front? Why do my Christmas cards always have to have our dog on it? Why. Why. Why.

I melted down at the computer. I cried and I lost it. One of my most favorite traditions tainted by feeling hurt and feeling like my body was letting me down for something else. More pain. More loss.

I honestly grieved over the loss. Writing this all out makes it seem so petty now. I really do beleive there will be babies on those cards next year.

I was able to thwart off my meltdown and make a beautiful card to send and order them. Of course during my meltdown somehow I miscalculated (GROSSLY MISCALCULATED) how many cards I really needed and this morning realized it as I was addressing my cards.

I placed my order for more cards and spent the morning touching each address in my book. I was able to still enjoy my Christmas cards despite my meltdown. 

While I do feel happy and positive about this upcoming cycle I still find myself grieving the cycles that have failed in the past. I still cry out for something that I don't have at times. Some days truly are easier than others. I guess life will always be like that- no matter the battle you are fighting- some days are just easier than others.

Lady Bugs, Lyrics, and a Plan

For the record it was a beyond gorgeous day that we were blessed with here in South Jersey for late October. It was one of those windows opened and let the fresh air in kind of days. 

I went to the neck specialist today and for the second time in as many weeks I was told that my stress is adding to- if not causing all together- my pain and muscle spasms. I am honestly feeling a million times better than I was so I have no complaints. I am done with physical therapy, which is really a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Scheduling three additional doctors appointments a week was added stress in and of itself. I'm suppose to continue my stretches, continue stretching, and come back if there is any increase or change in the pain. 

The doctor is an older gentleman who I remembered had been ill during my last appointment. When I walked in I asked him if he was feeling any better. At the end of my appointment he said- "Might I ask how you knew I wasn't feeling well? Its very odd for patients to remember that their doctors aren't well and to ask if they are feeling better." 

Truth is one of the nurses had told me when I went in that he wasn't quiet himself because he was passing kidney stones. I know how painful those can be so I remembered to ask him how he was feeling  It made me feel good to know that me recognizing and remembering that he was in pain and taking a moment to ask him how he was doing made his day. 

The appointment left me feeling refreshed. I ran to the grocery store- which is normally a form of punishment because around here there are not too many stores, they are over crowded, over priced and understaffed. But as I turned the corner I ran into a wonderful friend of ours. He gave me a big hug and then walked the entire store with me as I shopped. It made my day. 

I put my windows down and drove home and this little guy flew in- 

 A little lady bug! It was perfect. Lady bugs are good luck and that left me feeling warm and fuzzy. It also helped for when I came home to more construction and discovered this mess- 

These are photos of our spare room- nursery to be- summer 2012 when we had construction done originally for our leaks we were given colors to chose to repaint the spare bedroom. We chose light shades of green because its to be a nursery and green works for boy or girl. It makes me a bit sad to think that was over a year ago and there is still no baby to put in the nursery. But it also reminds me that God always has a plan and if  there was a baby to put in that nursery right at this moment I would be even more stressed, because baby would be displaced while construction continues. 

Im reminded of this song lyric. Its my new plan on dealing with and handling my stress constructively. 

 I will play this song on repeat when I want to scream. I will take a walk when I want to hide. I will thank the Lord for all the blessings and count them daily instead of wishing for what I don't have. I have myself so stressed out I am officially making myself sick. I don't want to live in physical pain. I need to let some of what I have no control over go and let it be Gods Plan. 

Im 10 days post IUI today. I keep thinking positive and happy thoughts. I am hopeful and feel good. I have my beta on Friday and I hope to not test at home at all. I will either have the best phone call of my life Friday afternoon or another round of disappointment- in which case - cue the song lyrics, a walk, and a glass of vino... 

Snap Shot Sunday~ Think Happy Thoughts

I was searching around on my friend Pinterest and found this. Sometimes when we aren't exactly in our happy places we need to just think happy thoughts and force ourselves there..

So that's what I am doing.. thinking happy thoughts :)

I think we're out- but its gonna be okay.

Well we made it threw another 2 week wait- today marks 14 days post IUI and I think its safe to say we are out. 

I'm on Progesterone so my period probably won't come until I stop the Endometrin. I will have a beta tomorrow to be absolutely positive- but in my heart I already am positive we are out. 

I could write an incredibly depressing post about how frustrated I am- but instead I want to focus on some happy news. I can't continue to dwell on my failed cycles and fall down into a depression spiral - well I could since it still stings that IUI #2 that I felt so good about failed but- it won't do anyone any good and no one who is here reading this needs any more depressing posts then they are already getting. 

Instead I want to shout some happiness from the rooftops. My friends over at "Who Shot My Stork" got a positive pregnancy test! If you follow them or read my blog a week or so ago you will remember that they just had an IVF cycle- the last cycle granted to them by their insurance company and that was after a battle with the insurance company to even grant them that. 

And so as Risa and I were about on the same cycle day I directed my prayers towards her cycle. We still have insurance to cover us. We still have options and ways to turn. In my heart I know they needed this positive. Risa had 10 eggs retrieved and only 1 embryo survived and was transferred. I truly am over the moon for them that this 1 embryo stuck around. 

They deserve this and I refuse to feel sad or cranky or bitter because they go their positive. Instead I want to suck up the positivity of their cycle and use it to propel me forward into what is next for us. 

Maybe God heard my prayers for them and knew that this was their turn and maybe our turn is coming up soon. I wished that our prayers would be answered simultaneously- but since they weren't I could not be happier for Risa and Chris. 

I will continue to say a prayer for you both as you continue on this journey. I can't express how happy I truly am for you both. 

I have no idea what is in store for us next. Probably a break cycle- Im pretty sure I have another cyst as I am in a lot of pain again. I think I'm going to try acupuncture this cycle. There is a very well recommended place nearby and I have heard a lot of good things.

Have you ever had acupuncture? What did you think? What should I ask or so or expect? 

We're going to be just fine. Its going to be okay. 

I also think I am going to try to go gluten free for a while and see how I feel. I have some gastro intestinal issues and I have often wondered if I have some underlying food allergies of some kind. After reading some success stories of women going gluten free and getting their BFP's I can't help but want to try. I also think it will help me refocus and gain some control over my diet. 

Have you gone gluten free? Did it help? Any recommendations on foods and alternatives? 

Well thats where I stand today- a beta tomorrow and a meeting with my RE for a new plan... I check in soon with the official beta and what Dr S has to say. I have a few things to discuss with them, but if my journey sounds like yours and you have anything you think I should bring up please feel free to share. 

I hope your Monday's are a bit brighter than mine here.