We're Going To Disney World~

First before I begin to share my good news I have to send all of my love and prayers to Anne at The Second Bedroom who just received awful news from her doctors office. Please head over and send her some love if you can. Anne if you are reading this my heart aches for you and I am sending you so much peace and love and light. xo



Last night we had the in-laws over to tell them that we are under going IVF. Rob's Mom was quick to point out that she already knew I wasn't pregnant because when I saw her on Thursday night I had a glass of wine with her. 

Sweet, that was truly my plan when I had that glass of wine and it was 100% on purpose. I didn't truly want or need it in that moment, but I knew that if I said "no thanks" when she offered me it that it would have sent off red flags. She knew we wanted to have them over to "talk" this week. I didn't want to set her up for a giant let down. She's been waiting as long as we have after all.. if not longer. She is waiting for that "talk".. the one where we tell her she is going to be a Grandma. I always feel like I am letting people down- especially Rob's parents since they are much older than mine, so I really did want to soften the blow. I figured she had jumped to the "their pregnant" conclusion that most Mom's of 38 year old Men who have been married for almost 4 years do...

The conversation could not have gone better though. I had all my information laid out so I could show it to them and help them understand it better. We told them everything that we have already gone through and tried our best to explain everything that is yet to come. We told them that IVF is in no way a 100% guarantee that we will end up with a baby, but its better odds then we have had lately on our own. I didn't cry once- though when Rob spoke of our journey and how he knows it has been hard on my my eyes did well up. I know its been hard on him as well.

We asked them to be as patient with us as possible. We told them we knew they probably would have lots of questions, and we would answer whatever we could. We asked them to not question us to much during this process though. We told them that we would tell them when we got pregnant, but we would do it on our timeline. We asked them not to tell anyone else what was going on- mainly so that we have our privacy and can tell people in our own way and answer their questions when we are ready. 

They were visibly excited to know that we were moving forward and getting closer to making them Grandparents. They prayed with us and for us and over us. They hugged us and loved us. They embraced this 100% and I could feel their love and knew they wanted this as much as we do.

And then they told us they were taking us to Disney World. 

Well not quite like that exactly. Rob's sister lives in Arizona and it is not often that we are all together. In fact I have been with Rob for almost 8 years now and there is only one other time in those years that his entire family has really been together for any length of time. In February his parents are getting their timeshare in Disney for a few weeks because Rob's sister will be coming to Florida already. They wanted nothing more than for us all to really be there together. We just need to pay for our airfare, but they don't want us to worry about any other financial aspect of the trip. They just want their family together. 

I think they know that these times are few and far between and as they get older and sicker the less of the chance that we will take these trips. Its sad when I sit back and think that this must be going through their minds. 

Of course some of the thought that fluttered through my already chaotic mind were - Oh goodness I could actually be pregnant in Disney. And Oh my I could make an announcement at Disney! Oh my word were really going to Disney! 

You see a little secret you may or may not know about me- I am a Disney Freak! I just love it. Over the years I have converted my husband to become a Disney Freak with me. With Rob's job loss and our fertility issues I really didn't think we would be going anytime soon. So I am beyond over the moon excited about Disney. I started plotting and planning and reserving for our trip. It was a wonderful distraction from the big IVF in the room. 

In a matter of a few hours I have looked up flight departures and arrivals, car rentals, planned and reserved meals, planned days in Disney, planned fireworks and parades... my mind goes a million miles a minute when it comes to Disney. More so when it comes to thinking that this could be our child's very first Disney trip- in utero. 

I know I am full of hope and sunshine and rainbows- but for the longest time I didn't feel that. I am fully aware that I may be setting myself up for a let down, but the joy I get in thinking about the happiness that could possibly be filling me- that is half the fun in planning on having a baby. I missed these conversations that we had when we first started trying. The what would be name our babies. The what would they look like. The what are they going to call our parents.. those conversations that we used to have.. but stopped having because there was far too much pain in thinking about what could-be scenarios that seemed like pipe dreams with each stark white test. 

Now I get to have hope. Now we get to have hope. And if it doesn't work this time- then it doesn't work, but for now I am choosing to be filled with hope and joy and sunshine, because the other option is not nearly as fun. I am reserving the right to have my moments- as we all do.. but for now I choose hope. 

In this moment I choose to think about having a baby on board and having to say things like "no I can't have any wine.. I'm pregnant.." and "no I can't ride Tower of Terror.. you see I am carrying a baby!" As I think that these moments are really possible tears stream down my face. Happy.. happy tears. I am so filled with light and love and hope that I could explode... Its not without some anxiety, but I am truly focused on the happy.

So now we just wait for Monday and pray for good results and hope that we are the lucky ones. Hope that this all works for us. Pray that this is our last stop on this journey. Pray that when I am walking around Disney in February that its with a unseen plus one... a little Mickey or Minnie if you will<3

IUI 6

Everything seemed to go well today- DH had 32 million motile post wash. IUI was at about 09:30am. I felt ovulation pain and a lot of cramping all morning. Other than that things were fine. 

The lake that is next to my house- its most relaxing this time of year... 

By the time we got home I was exhausted. Still am in fact. It is official that if this cycle doesn't work I will be taking a break. My body is tired, my mind is tired, my poor hubby is tired. If this isn't it then its time to nap for an indefinite amount of time. 

I'm praying for a lot of my bloggy friends who had egg retrievals  IUIs, FET's, and consults today. I hope that your mind is strong and your body cooperates. I hope your doctors are wise and steady. I hope that October 19th is truly a lucky day for us all. 

Praying hard. Letting Jesus take the wheel and resting <3 

IUI 6 ~ TOMORROW What in the What..

I just got home from the RE with some crazy news.. my IUI is going to be tomorrow- cycle day 11. 

This is the earliest my eggs have ever matured....ever.  

My lining was 6mm- which is kinda junk, especially since last cycle it was 14mm, but last cycle also drug on and on and I took many more doses of Menopur. Last cycle also failed- so 14mm lining isn't all that anyway- maybe 6mm is. 

6mm isn't god awful. 6mm is just fine. Just fine. 

Right Ovary- 21mm, 18mm, 14mm, and 13mm
Left Ovary- 18mm <~~ look who was hiding in there all along! 

I was so surprised. Not just cause the left ovary had a follicle growing in there all along, but I really wasn't thinking tomorrow. Its wasn't even on my radar at all. I knew things were moving along well this cycle, and everyone was growing and I was praying to see someone hit 20mm today at this appointment, but I truly wasn't expecting it to really happen. 

I just took my Ovidrel shot, and we go tomorrow morning at 7:30 am to have my IUI in the Marlton office- I had to call out of work. 

I was hoping to find someone to cover this shift so I could go meet up with Charity at The Word Of A Nerd, but God had other plans for me tomorrow. I'm sorry I won't be meeting you tomorrow Charity, but I'm praying so hard that when we do get the chance to meet up again its because this day was planned by the Lord for other things.. 

As I was driving home from the RE Carrie Underwood's Jesus Take the Wheel came onto my radio. 

Jesus Take the Wheel - if you have never heard it click here and listen to it. I am positive you will be able to relate. 

                                             "Jesus Take The Wheel"

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Oh, Jesus take the wheel

Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

Oh, take it, take it from me.
Oh, wow, ohhhhh.

As soon as this song came on I promptly burst into tears. Happy tears. I'm one of those people that tend to think that everything happens for a reason. Some reasons we can't ever really explain or we don't fully understand, but I know that every choice I have ever made and every path I either chose to follow or chose to ignore, all of the mountains and obstacles I have climbed over and overcome- they are all leading to making my life what it is and what it is meant to be, and making me who I am and who I am suppose to be. Its all part of a bigger plan- the bigger picture. 

I guess what I am saying is- maybe there are reasons that I don't know yet as to why we were never able to get pregnant on our own. Maybe there is a reason that IUI's 1,2,3,4, & 5 did not work. A reason that we have waited 3 years and maybe- just maybe its for this to be our chance. Some of these follicles to be our baby(ies). A reason we have waited. 

Almost all of my friends were pregnant this this year together and maybe we were waiting- maybe so that our pregnancy would be our own. So that our pregnancy would happen exactly as God has always planned.. I can't help but let my mind wander to expected due dates, maternity photos, and the such. Its not easy to let it wander that far, because if there is anything I have learned -nothing is guaranteed  but if I don't let myself wander then I feel like I am dooming things before we hit start. I chose hope, I chose to let my mind wander, I chose those happy thoughts.. and I know not everyone will agree with that and that is okay, because this is how I chose to handle this cycle... our cycle.. 

I don't know if this cycle will work, but I have to keep the faith that there really is a reason for all this. There really is good stuff coming our way. I have to hope that this is the start of good news.. 

I can so relate to this song- 

"Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline

It'd been a long hard year"

Sometimes we ask why God? Why?! And our faith runs low. Im not asking that. Im just saying that I am ready. We are ready. No why's here today. 

It really had been a long hard year. The hardest of our married lives, but we have learned to come together and we have learned what giving 100% of ourselves to one another means and seen what it looks like.. 

                                        "Jesus take the wheel

Take it from my hands

Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go

So give me one more chance

Save me from this road I'm on

Jesus take the wheel"

So Jesus take the wheel. We can't do this on our own. There is still a miracle that needs to take place. So while my body is ready- we need Jesus to take control- take the wheel and give us our miracle. 

I have to let go of the control. We can do everything right- eat right, sleep enough, hydrate well, take our medications on time, have wonderful follicles, great lining, spectacular sperm counts- but without that miracle- without Jesus taking the wheel- it just won't be. 

(source)

So my prayer is for strength and peace. To know that whatever happens is Your will. You are ultimately in charge and all of this waiting is building us to be better parents. 

All of our challenges this year, while they have left us feeling bruised -both figuratively and literally- are uniting us closer in our marriage. Our financial struggles have taught us to appreciate the little things more and taught me how to really stretch the dollars that we are blessed with. The leaks and water damage in our home have taught me more about patience than I ever thought I would be able to understand. All of the friendships that we have garnered threw our various struggles have taught us about love- the power and strength of love. All of these struggles have renewed my faith and taught me to pray stronger and harder than ever. So I am praying now- for our miracle. For our turn. Our time.

Jesus take the wheel... because we can't do this on our own....