My Hair Tie Moments

I'm pretty sure the title says it all- the biggest side effect I have noticed as of now is that my emotions are completely off the charts. I go from the happiest person alive- laughing and joking and smiling to the opposite end of the spectrum and find myself all out crying and in fits of hysterics. 

My husband is a saint.At some point in time I am going to give him a present for dealing with me and my emotional craziness- I pray that the gift is a baby and it comes in about 9 months nice and healthy :) <3

Here is the low down on the medications- 

I can't decide which one I dislike more this go round. Don't get me wrong- I will take them 100 times over if it means a healthy, happy baby in the end. However, if I am being real-- they do suck. It's not something I would willingly do just for the heck of it.

Menopur- which I have taken in the past is causing the same issues I had in the past. It burns and the gauge on the needle is small so it takes longer to push the medication into the body, which means the burning is prolonged. 

Some say to ice the area, however I was advised by my nurse to try to avoid that so that the medication can disperse. I don't like the burning by any means, but I can deal with it so I haven't been icing at all. 

Gonal-F - This is the new one for me. The gauge on the needle is larger-- so it hurts much worse when you are inserting it into the skin, however the medication get pushed much faster since it is larger making the experience quicker overall than the Menopur.

I've been doing the Menopur first right now- mainly because I have to mix the Menopur and the Gonal-F I have doses already mixed up. So I burn and then the burning goes away because I stab and the stabbing pain takes over and then its all over and I treat myself with a glass of milk and a Hershey Kiss Cherry Cordial. Nom nom nom. 

So for the hormonal rage- Rob and I have come to call them my  "Hair Tie Moments"- 

On Saturday my Mom text me and asked me if I was working. I was in the midst of tying my hair up since Rob and I were heading out to run errands and it was raining. The second she saw I wasn't working she called me. I ended up leaving my hair tie on the bathroom sink and walking down stairs. When our conversation was over Rob and I left for our errands and I never put my hair up. This normally wouldn't really phase me. Sure I may be a tad annoyed that my hair was blowing all over in the rain, but I wouldn't let it throw everything off. 

Well, let me tell you. I was a hot mess. I was so upset that I didn't have this hair tie. I wanted to burst into tears and at that moment I realized I needed to just take a breather and relax it was just a hair tie. Rob and I even laughed over it. Rob told me to- "Chill out Incredible Hulk". So we've been joking and laughing about that since.

On Sunday I text Rob (he was at work) to  tell him about my "Hair Tie Moment" of the day. I figure its best to laugh about it. Sunday I went to Church, came home and promptly relaxed by binge watching Roseanne. 

Little secret- Roseanne reruns are by far one of my most favorite things, because typically they just make you laugh and laugh and laugh. However, on Sunday they played two episodes that have a serious undertone- One the Conner's are faced with a tornado. Now even though I know that the Conner's survive this natural disaster and go on to live another eight seasons, and even though I've seen this episode every single bit of 100 times I found myself crying my eyes out. 

Then of course after that episode Darlene has to have an appendectomy. Goodness me. I was snotting and losing it. What if my kid ever has to have an appendectomy!! Ohhh. 

Like I said Good Gravy!

I text Rob and told him I was sad about the Conner's life struggles and I knew I was crazy for it. Thankfully he laughed with me about it and no one was harmed in my hormonal fits, but I am sure that this is only the begining. 

Other than that I feel okay. A bit bloated and crampy, but okay. 

I go tomorrow for a follicle scan, lining check and blood work. I will be really really happy with 10 eggs for retrieval, but anything over 3 is considered a success and they will move forward with the IVF. Anything over 10 would be amazing. I'm doing my best to stay upbeat and positive no matter what we see tomorrow. Praying that tomorrow we get to see some growth as we move forward in this amazing journey.

You know what makes me crazy?

You know what drives me batshit bananas crazy?

　　

Women who are pregnant and spend all their free time proclaiming to the world how ill they feel, how large they feel, how uncomfortable they are, how much pregnancy sucks.. etc etc etc. 　

　

Listen- I’m not naive I am sure that there are parts of pregnancy that suck the big one. But, seriously complaining about it every six point six seconds is surely not going to change the fact that you don't feel well.

　

Posting it on social media is surely not going to do anything but garner sympathy. Which is exactly what you want if I had to guess.

　　

What makes me beyond batshitcraycray?

　　

People who struggled to get pregnant and then shout from the roof tops how sick they feel.

　

Sure I am positive that at some point when I get pregnant I am going to complain somewhere to someone about feeling ill.

　

　

But I promise you this - I will cherish every bout of morning sickness, every ache, pain, every ounce of weight I get to gain, anything I have to deal with I will deal with - and I will do it with one thought in mind- I am carrying a child and if being uncomfortable and puking for 40 weeks is what I need to overcome to welcome a child into this world so be it.

　

With all the heart ache and pain that others are dealing with in Oklahoma right at this moment in time I truly wish some people would step back, shut the eff up, and realize how blessed they truly are.

　

　

Hell even me- who is having a tough week and feeling stressed and unlucky  HORMONAL-- even I realize I am one of the lucky ones. I have so very little worries in this world today compared to those who don’t know where they will sleep tonight or worse- those who lost a child in this tragedy.

　　

So I guess if I can leave you with one thing today it would be to cherish what you have. Even if you are struggling with something. Even if you are puking your guts up for 40 weeks and your ankels are swollen.Even if you are feeling unlucky- someone - somewhere is much much worse off.

　

All my prayers to Moore<3

On where I stand today.

Today I seriously feel like ripping peoples faces off. Every little thing has me on edge. Im so sick of the "relax" comments, or people saying things like "Its your first IUI you have time" or "when you least expect it, it will happen" or better yet "good thing you started this journey early instead of when you got older"

Here are the very exact reasons why each of these statements boils my blood.

1) Relax- I was relaxed. About 2 years ago. I was all carefree and woo hoo we're gonna be parents and we are gonna rock this shit. At this point I am indeed frustrated- no doubt about that. Hell my RE doesn't even know if I actually ovulated last month. You can't help but to get your hopes up so yes I feel let down, and sad and dissapointed. Im allowed to feel these emotions. Im not at full fever pitch of insanity over here people just sad and guess what- its my body so if I feel sad its me feeling sad. Hug me- do not -for the love of all things holy- tell me to relax!

2) "Its your first IUI you have time"- I realize I am no where near the depths of desperation. I realize this is my first IUI, but the fact that we have had to resort to IUI and spend months being poked, prodded and invaded just plain sucks. I mourn being able to have a baby just by enjoying my husband. Since the failed IUI I can not help but feel scared that we are not on the right treatment plan and that I may need to seek an RE in a bigger town at a bigger hospital with more exprience. These things scare me. Telling me this is my first IUI I have time is not exactly helpful to someone who is sad. First or fiftieth - failed IUI's and treatments SUCK. We all deserve our own little off spring and it shouldn't be this difficult for any of us.

3)"When you least expect it, it will happen"- do me a favor just dont say it. DONT. I dont even have a rebuttle. My entire reproductive privacy is an open novel at this point. I will be poked and prodded in order to conceive. I will have to take medicine. I will not get to just let it happen. I will be hoping and praying and doing superstitious things every cycle to will it to happen. When it does I will be elated!!

4) "Good thing you started this journey young" -WHAT? How is it any better if I am younger or older  than you. You want a baby, I want a baby - we are stuck in we want baby limbo!? How is it any different. You have your own issues being older and I have issues being younger- such as - but not limited to- WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE STUPID BROKEN EGGS!

So alas. Im cranky. Tomorrow I start 150mg of Clomid. Thats scary stuff. I hope my emotional, hormonalness calms down a touch because if not people should just run far away. Im scared lol.