On Finding Your Religion

-Everything is super fantastic with me and the twins right now. Nothing really to report there- no more bleeding since the one incident last week and the worst morning sickness yet had hit me starting on Friday and has stuck around ever since. Trust me I am not complaining- I've never embraced morning sickness as much as I am right now- to me it means that my babies are growing and are getting bigger and stronger, so every time I hang my head into a sink, toilet, or other vomit catching receptacle I know that my body is doing just what its suppose to do. This is not to say I wouldn't mind some relief so that I can eat some. My one worry at this point is that I am down just over 12lbs since finding out I was pregnant. I'm overweight right now anyway, but I don't want to continue to lose weight. My goal this week is to work on eating what I can, when I can, but not skipping over meals. Our first appointment with our new OB is Wednesday- I hope I get to see my little ones again :)

Last night while I was praying I was thinking a lot about my old church. The church I grew up in. We have recently found a new church near us and felt very at home there, but I couldn't help but miss my small town church last night. It also got me thinking to how I found my religion.

When I was born  I was very premature and my Great Grand-father was a strong Catholic. He believed that if I wasn't Christened and something happened to me I would go to hell. So my Great Grand-father came to the hospital and had me Christened his self. My Mom was raised as a devout Catholic and my Father a not as devout Baptist. My brother and I were brought up to believe in God, but no strict religion. 

In fact my parents and their best friends baptized me after I came home in a cedar water creek near our home themselves. Once I was old enough I started attending Sunday school on my own and stayed with my little church for many years. Religion was something I was always drawn to.

I grew up in a small town conservative Baptist Church. It was quiet for the most part, but something that I liked is that Pastor knew me. Everyone knew me. Part of me misses that. Part of me doesn't feel like this new church is the exact fit for us and I think that is what is missing- the small town feel that I grew up with. 
 
Our new church is big and loud and has multiple services a day- and while I am becoming more involved and meeting lots of new people that attend the service I normally attend- I still can't help but feel like I am lost in the crowd there. Its by no fault of their own- in fact its amazing that this new church has so many members and is large and I like the loud music -it draws you in and gives me a chance to sing- something I love, but not something I get to do regularly. (ps I have no voice and I sing completely out of key, but my lord loves when I sing to him regardless!) 


What I don't miss from the small town church is the judgemental feel of everyone knowing you. When I was a teenager and I messed up big time the entire church knew. There were no secrets. I think that is part of the reason I never went back.

Then that led me to think about messing up and making mistakes. I'm flawed- in fact we all our. I have said things I shouldn't have said, done things I am not proud of, have a past that was rocky, lost myself more than once- all this being said is it best to proclaim our faults? Shout them out to the world? 

World I am flawed and here are all my mistakes and my transgressions? 

Or is it perfectly okay to keep quiet and know your own faults. Apologize when you should and move forward with your life. Isn't that what we should do? Isn't that what God wants us to do? After all if he forgives me for my sins- isn't that enough? 


I guess I was feeling really good about the new church, but I really do miss the small town feel that a smaller church can give. All these feelings have me left wondering if this new church really is the perfect set up for our little family... or if I just need to keep pushing and finding to right place and the right fit.

How did you seek and find a new church? What were things you looked for? 

About Telling All the Grandparents

I can't believe I forgot to tell you all about how the reveal with the parents went. On Wednesday- after our ultra sound to confirm that there were two little peanuts growing big and strong- we had my parents over. 

My parents don't have a printer so they needed a few things printed out for them so we invited them over so that we could do that for them. Of course the real reason I waited till Wednesday to have them over was to wait until after our ultra sound to tell them. 

I found these blocks on Etsy and had them shipped to us. 

 When my parents came over I did all of their paperwork and then gave them a bag with a card. Their anniversary had just passed so I told them it was their anniversary present. My Mom loves to talk -and she kept delaying actually opening the present. Rob and I kept looking at each other like "Come on open it up already!!"

When she opened it up it was backwards and facing us so I told her to turn it around and she burst into tears. Then my dad said "Oh no, not a gift that's going to make her cry all day!" That's when my mom handed it to my dad and he promptly burst into tears too. At which time I burst into a fit of hysterics myself. 

The twins first ultra sound photos are separate because they couldn't get a good shot of both of them together so we handed the picture of baby a to my Mom- then Rob said "want to see your other grandchild!" Then Rob handed the picture of baby b to my dad. 

To say everyone was over the moon is an understatement. 

We planned to tell Rob's parents at dinner in Florida the next night, but we knew that the second I declined on wine at our fancy dinner the jig would be up. Plus we were all going to the grocery store before dinner and I needed things like saltines, ginger ale, and goldfish to survive. More clues and we really wanted to try to surprise them. 

I made up a gift bag with the same blocks as above and we told them it was a thank you for letting us stay in the time share at Disney with them. Rob's mom opened it right up and then started to read it out loud. When she got to the "grandparents" line she subsequently also burst into tears. Then I looked over at Rob's dad who was also crying. Cue me crying again.

In fact talking- talking about everyone crying has me crying again. 

We did the same thing with the ultra sound photo's for Rob's parents. When Rob's sister made it in from Arizona Rob simply asked her if she wanted to be called "Aunt or Auntie". For the record she's going with Aunt. 

I think the part that got me the most was our fathers crying. Specifically a moment with Rob's dad where he told me he didn't think he would make it to see his grandchildren.

During our struggle to get pregnant I often thought about our fathers not making it to be Pop-Pops. Both of our Dad's are not exactly the healthiest of people. If Im being honest there were moments where I cried out to God - please, please let them be Pop Pops. I didn't realize they were crying out to God the same prayers.

Thankfully our prayers were answered. I know some people wait to tell their families and others- but in this moment I am so glad that I told our families. In this moment they are all Grandparents and no one can take that away from them.

Beta # 2 & Sweet Friends

Things are going really-really well. Today was Beta # 2 at 13dp5dt and it was 1,125 with a doubling time of 51.62 hours. Which is perfect. Normal doubling times in early pregnancy are between 31 & 72 hours and I fall nicely right in the middle there. My next Beta is Thursday. 

Every night Rob kisses my belly goodnight. He's calling the baby a boy- when I said you know it could be a girl too right- he told me to just let him call the baby a boy now. Then he told the dog (ya we talk to the dog in our house-- alot! LOL) that if its a girl he's in so much trouble. 

He said a baby girl will be wrapped firmly around his fingers. So very true. So for now its baby boy. 

I know that its against what I should do-- with all that could go wrong we're supposed to wait until its "safe" to tell people your pregnant. But, I can't help myself. When someone asks me how things are going I tell them. Then I get giddy and excited all over again.. and I'm not going to apologize for it. I also don't plan on shouting it from the roof tops- but we waited so long to say we were pregnant- I don't think I can keep this secret for very long at all.

This baby is our miracle and no matter how long He's with us I want to rejoice in his life and celebrate this moment. I want to give glory to God for allowing me this time. I want to be excited and live without fear. 

That doesn't mean I don't have my moments where I am struck by fear and panic. Where I am scared breathless and awake from a soundless sleep fearing the very worst. I am human- I'm just doing my best to pray through those moments and live in the moment and hope for the very best. 

I've gotten some wonderful gifts this last week- Elisha from Waiting for Baby Bird sent me A Seed of Hope God's Promises of Fertility- a daily devotional. Which is so inspiring and fills me with hope every single time I open it. She also sent me a Valentine's gift. It's filled with little Tootsie Rolls which are just the perfect little sweet treat. Elisha thank you so much for being such a sweet friend!! 

  

One of my sweet friends also sent me Gin-Gin's for my nausea. They are sticky little ginger candies (which are all natural and gluten free). I've been biting off half a candy and chewing on it until the nausea passes. 

I spent the morning planning out our Disney Dining Reservations and looking up show times. I want to see shows I haven't seen before since I won't be able to ride my favorite rides-- trust me this is a dream come true and I am not complaining. I'm super excited to get to say that I can't ride something because I'm pregnant. I'm also excited to explore some shows and things in Disney I may have over looked in the passed. 

I also ordered maternity shorts. Sayyyyy what?? Yup. I am bloated and swollen and there is no way last years shorts are going to fit me during our trip- and I was not buying the next size up to not be able to wear them this summer either-- so I took a deep breath-- prayed for the very best and ordered them. How's  that for faith that everything is going to be just fine. 

While in Disney we plan on telling Rob's parents and Sister since we are all going together. We want to tell my parents the day before we leave too. Everyone deserves to be happy with us-- at least that's our motto. 

I bought these wooden blocks from Etsy and plan to package them up with a picture frame of the ultrasound photo. Our first ultra sound is suppose to be right before we leave so I am praying everything stays as planned and no forks are thrown in the road. 

For my parents we are going  to stop over and tell them we want to leave them a key before we go just in case there are any issues at the house. Then we will give them  their package. For Rob's parents we plan to give it to them at dinner the first night in Disney. 

I'm excited- I can't wait to see everyone's faces. 

I'm also excited because I'm going to be passing some of my left over friends to a sweet sweet blog friend who will be starting her own IVF journey shortly. Not only am I so happy to be able to hand these medications over to someone who can use them and deserves them- but I can't wait to see her smiling face and give her a hug and pray with her and for her this coming weekend <3 xo

I'll leave you with this line from the card Elisha sent me- this scripture is perfect because I am continuing to trust in the Lord and I am also studying Luke right now as part of the 90 day Bible Challenge.

"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!" - Luke 1:45


 

 

Today Is A Good Day!

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes for the loss of my friend Kevin. I will be sure his spirit lives on with me always. Death sadly is a part of life and while we grieve here on earth I know that he is watching over all of us and completely at peace. It's knowing that which helps me to remember him with a smile on my face <3

Today is a very good day- I just returned from the RE's- I have continued growth in almost all my follicles. The average size is around 18mm right now with some at 20mm and some around 13mm and a few scattered in between. 

My lining is at 12mm!! (Woot!) 

Tonight I will stim for hopefully the last night with my Gonal-F upped to 300 IU, Menopur 225 IU, Dexamethasone .25 and Ganirelex 225 mcg. 

The hope is that upping the Gonal-F will help give some of the smaller follicles a little bump and a chance at being mature. The hope is to retrieve over 10 mature eggs and we are pretty close to that right now.

I return for another scan tomorrow and my retrieval should be on Thursday. It's not set in stone just yet, but Dr. V sounded pretty confident in it. 

I'm still feeling pretty good and I'm excited as we move forward. It's been a long journey to get to this point of utter peace. I know that my doctors are doing their very best. I know that my body is doing its very best. And I know that the rest is truly up to God. 

Good things really are coming :) I can feel it and I'm choosing to stay positive and not think about any other outcome other than being pregnant as we move forward<3 I know that being so positive could set me up for a fall if things don't go as planned-- but life is like that. You never know what the very next moment will bring and I am choosing to live in hope that good things are coming. 

That the best is yet to come. 

Christmas Eve Traditions

In my family the Christmas Eve tradition when we were very young was to go pick out a tree. We would start to decorate it and overnight it would come to life with more decorations and angel hair and tinsel -- it became magical. When we woke in the morning it was perfect and under the tree presents would overflow. 

Our entire family would come together and spend the day making beautiful memories. As time went on and we all grew older and created our own families our traditions changed and grew and we created our own. 

Rob and I work a lot of holidays. So our Christmas and Christmas Eve -as well as almost all other holidays- get moved to days that we can make them work for us and our schedule and still take part in the spirit of the season. 

Last night was our Christmas Eve since we both work tonight. We attended our new Church's Christmas Eve production. As a side note I am so thankful that they do a Christmas Eve-Eve production as well as Christmas Eve- they recognize that not everyone can make a true Christmas Eve service and for that I am so thankful! 

Our Christmas Production was called the Never Ending Story~ it was a beautiful production that brought me to tears a few times. First was this song by Steven Curtis Chapman that our talented musicians brought to life- The Glorious Unfolding

Lay your head down tonight

Take a rest from the fight

Don't try to figure it out

Just listen to what I'm whispering to your heart

Cause I know this is not

Anything like you thought

The story of your life was gonna be

And it feels like the end has started closing in on you

But it's just not true

There's so much of the story that's still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding

Just you wait and see and you will be amazed

You've just got to believe the story is so far from over

So hold on to every promise God has made to us

And watch this glorious unfolding

God's plan from the start

For this world and your heart

Has been to show His glory and His grace

Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of

His unfailing Love

And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding

Just you wait and see and you will be amazed

We've just got to believe the story is so far from over

So hold on to every promise God has made to us

And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever

Singing songs to our Savior and King

So let us remember this life we're living

Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding

We will watch and see and we will, be amazed

If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over

And hold on to every promise God has made to us

We'll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)

This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

How powerful! I have played it over and over and over and over.. you get the point. If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over..And hold on to every promise God has made to us.. We'll see the glorious unfolding!!

I felt it in my bones- the message, the lyrics, and the life that buzzed around our Church.  The next thing that truly hit home was the opening to the services where our Pastors Wife read the opening. She talked about time-- and how God knows what time everything is going to happen-- everything is going to unfold.. 

It was as though she was speaking to me directly. In other words stop fretting-- your story is unfolding just the way it is suppose to!! No need to stress! No need to worry! 

If you don't have any plans later today and want to check out our Church's productions of The Never Ending Story they will be broadcasting a live feed starting at 1:50pm, 3:50pm and 5:50pm- Shore Fellowship Online Campus. If you have an hour the story is beautiful and the talent is amazing. 

I hope that last night was the start of a new tradition for my family. I pray that you and your families are able to come together and share the story of Christmas, pray together for a blessed New Year, and spread love and joy. 

Merry Christmas from our home to yours! xo ~ Rob, Kasey & Swish

A Vast Army- Finding a Church for our Family

Yesterday Rob and I attended a Church service that ended with our friends daughter being Dedicated to the Lord. Rob and I have been searching for a Church that fits us, our beliefs, and would be a good Church to raise our children in. We both grew up in Church's that meant a lot to us. Raising our children in a Church is important to us. I miss being part of a Church community and am glad that we are working towards getting involved  in a new one.

We have been talking about attending this particular Church for over a year, and yesterday was our first opportunity to attend a service together. I'm not sure if this Church will be a perfect fit for us- I think it's going to take more than a single service/sermon to know for sure- but I felt so moved by the the sermon. I felt emotional listening to the Pastor speak. I felt moved by the people of the Church singing and pulling everyone together with their voices.

Yesterday's sermon was about Ezekiel 37. It's a verse I don't recall ever hearing about before. It's incredibly moving- Its starts:

"The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. ² He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. ³ He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”

The pastor compared it to losing all of your hope. Having a utterly hopeless situation, an impossible, improbable, situation before you- but still having the faith that God can give you a favorable outcome. Sovereign Lord, you alone know. Standing before this valley of "impossibility" he still had the faith that his Lord had the ability to make the impossible-- possible.

During this journey haven't we all have our moments of helpless and hopelessness? Moments that brought us to our knees and tears from our eyes. Times when we may have questioned our faith or asked why us- why this particular hurdle? We've all been down and out and felt like we were standing before a valley of dry bones. It will happen again- there will be more struggles in our lives-- but we need to have the faith that through the Lord all struggles -all impossibilities- are possible.

He goes on to say-

 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! ⁵ This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath^[a] enter you, and you will come to life. ⁶ I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”
⁷ So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. ⁸ I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

The Lord told him to tell those dry bones before him that he will repair them. He will cover them will tendons, and flesh, and then fill them with life. He will take this valley of impossible and He alone will fill it back with life. He will do the same for us in our hopeless situations if we let him. He will breath life into that which seems dead- hopeless. He will take our valleys of impossible and with our faith he will make them possible.

Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” ¹⁰ So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.
¹¹ Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ ¹² Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. ¹³ Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. ¹⁴ I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”


Imagine standing before a valley of dry bones- a valley of death- only to watch life be breathed into them. To watch them stand before you- a vast army.  How powerful is that? Imagine it- a valley of bones standing before you as a vast army, their lungs full of breath when moments before they were dried bones laying in a valley. Even when you feel your most hopeless- our God doesn't. He can make all things possible. 

I think that I will come to love this church and this pastor. I think that the way he makes the sermons relateable and the way he was able to fill me with hope in a single sermon is a testament for what he can do for me- for us as a family- in the future.  

I haven't felt hopeless in quiet sometime. Before this sermon I felt like I had faith to move forward without fear. I have been coping with my emotions better and handling things easier. The sermon definitely helped to lift my faith even more though, because no matter how hopeless the situation may seem- even if you are standing before a valley of dry bones- He is able to make all things possible.  

As I head off for my SIS and trial transfer today I am filled with hope, excitement and a touch of nervousness. I know that no matter what the outcome is today that I have the faith that all things are possible. I know that we will be parents. I can't wait to move forward and to watch this process come together completely. To watch what may have seemed impossible to us in the past- become a valley of possibilities.  

IUI 5- Go For Launch!

 The title of this really doesn’t leave much to the imagination- as you can see, despite all of the ups and downs and the crazy roller coaster ride that this cycle took us on, we ARE moving forward with IUI # 5 on Wednesday morning.

The Nitty Gritty of IUI #5 as of this mornings appointment-

Right Ovary- 16mm

Left Ovary- 19mm & 16mm follicles

Lining- 14mm (14!!)

After not thinking any of my follicles were going to mature and after multiple medications adjustments we now have 3 pretty mature follicles and an amazing lining.  

What does this mean- well there is a chance of multiples- and my APN and doctors wanted me to be fully aware of it. We had a good talk about this cycle and how all over the place it has been and then I talked to DH and together we all collectively decided to move forward despite the chance of triplets.

Its a slim chance since I have had multiple failed IUI's with multiple follicles in the past. Its pretty much all in God's hands and that is the only way I can look at it.

This quote from Joel Osteen left me with some peace about our choice this morning-

"Nothing can happen without God's permission and God will not allow a difficulty unless He has a divine purpose for it. If you will keep your peace, you'll pass the test, and God will bring you out better than you were before."

As we move forward it will be in peace.

So tonight I will trigger with Ovidrel at 9:30pm and Wednesday Rob will do his part and my IUI will be around 09:30am.

I have acupuncture scheduled for 10:30am and I am off for the rest of the day so I plan on having a peaceful calm day hoping and praying that my uterus becomes a nice comfy-cozy residing place for a baby or two.

I also am planning acupuncture 7DPO IUI for *hopefully* the day of or close to implantation.

I feel very lucky that we even made it to IUI at all. It did not seem promising when we first started this cycle. I also feel very hopeful that this is our cycle and our chance to get our BFP.

I can not possibly thank you all enough for all your prayers and well wishes as we move forward in this cycle!! I feel you all rooting for us and lifting us up in your thoughts and prayers and I greatly appreciate it all.

IUI 5- Go For Launch!!

And the Greatest is Love

I remember September 11, 2001 like it was just yesterday. I was in high school, a Sophomore, sitting in Algebra 2. Someone walked into my classroom and told my teacher to put the television on, that something awful was happening.

What we saw will forever be engraved in my mind. I can not forget as the TV flickered to life-  watching the second plane crash into Tower 2. 

At first there was confusion. Then panic. Then realization of what was occurring.

In 2001 I was a brand new first responder. I was associated with our towns volunteer ambulance service and I knew in those moments that people from our area were going to be heading up to do what they could to help.

I knew in those moments that lives were lost. I knew in those moments that life would never be the same. The fear that was induced on September 11th 2001 would never just go away. We would never and could never go back to September 10th 2001. 

Life was forever different.

I remember my teacher saying she was going to say a prayer and that we could pray too if we wanted too. I remember crying and bowing my head in silent prayer. In a public high school that is something that forever sticks with you. 

 I also remember the principal asking teachers to turn the televisions off, that they did not want us watching what was happening. But, my study hall teacher Mr P. refused to turn it off. I remember him saying we are living a moment in history and its beyond  important for us to watch and know what was going on. 

I remember the faces of my classmates. The faces of the staff. The faces of my parents that day when I got home. No one knew what to say. At the same time no one had to say anything.

I remember September 12th better though. It was quiet. Eerie quiet. There was a melancholy feeling amongst everyone. Some people cried. Other prayed. There were so many flags hanging in our small town. People held doors longer. People smiled at one another. People were in shock.

It is so hard to believe that it is 12 years later.

At the same time it really is 12 years later. 

As a dispatcher there is one radio transmission that brings me to tears every year when its replayed or re posted. 

08:49 hrs 9/11/01
Squad 1-8 to Manhattan, K.
Squad 1-8 K.
....looked like it was intentional. Inform all units coming in from the back it could be a terror attack.
Ten-four. All units be advised. 

There are many other transmission that stick with me.. but this one is forever in my memory. The dispatchers voice. Her tone. Her calm. Her bravery. I commend her. My heart goes out to her. 

I can not imagine.  

My hearts and prayers goes out to every single person affected - which truly is all of us. All of our lives were changed. 

However, there is a special place in my heart for the dispatchers. The way they remained calm. The way they relayed transmissions. The horror they had to be feeling and the fear.. well being as this is my career I just can't imagine. I pray that I never have to deal with anything on the scale in which they did- and if I ever have to I pray that I can handle it with the calmness and grace in which they did.

To dispatchers the guys and girls that are on the calls are our responsibility. My job every day is to get each and every one of my girls and guys and patients home safely. We want everyone to return home to their families and loved ones, and sadly on September 11th, 2001 that did not happen. The dispatchers could not have imagined it would have turned out that way.. and the first responders that were sent into the towers did so willingly. It was their job to try to- and they succeeded in- saving many lives. At the same time so many lost their own lives. So many were forever effected.There is no doubt in my mind that it sticks with the dispatchers every single day of their lives.

So while I pray for all the first responders, the fireman, police officers, emergency medical technicians, paramedics, nurses, civilians, search and rescue... and all of us forever affected by these awful acts I have to hold a special prayer for my brothers and sisters in dispatch.

I will forever hold you all in my heart. 

Hold your loved ones a little tighter today. Instead of thinking of the awful that occurred that day and the evil behind it I prefer to think of the good. All the people that ran into the buildings and all the people in the days, weeks, and months after that spent their time do whatever was asked of them in order to help. 

Alan Jackson has a song - Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning.. 

There is a verse in the song that says it very best- 

"I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell
You the difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love" - Alan Jackson

Snapshot Sunday~ Isaiah 66:9

Snapshot Sunday- Positivity and Beauty

For the next two weeks I am going to surround myself with only positivity and beauty. I plan to spew forth positivity until  I can't spew forth anymore positivity. 

I plan to look passed any negativity and not engage in anything that will bring me down from my personal positivity mountain. 

Last night we went out with a few friends to where Rob and I were married. It was a beautiful night out with wonderful friends. We had a wonderful dinner and watched the most majestic sunset over the Atlantic. 

Truly we were blessed with last night. 

It was like a postcard. Picture perfect! 

Raising My Voice and Renewing My Faith

Just a little post about the big issues that infertiles are dealing with on a daily basis...

　

I have recently read so many blogs here recently tell their story's about their financial struggles and/or their inability to fit their treatment into their work schedule.

　

I truly am so blessed to have so much coverage- to name a few things that I have covered with only a co pay to submit-

　

- All diagnostic testing for infertility

-IUI's under no limit

-Donor insemination under no limit

-Fertility medications

-IVF, GIFT, and ZIFT procedures

-IVF 4 retrievals per lifetime

- Donor Eggs

　

Like I said I truly am blessed. I think everyone's insurance should hold some all of these very same benefits- and then some. I strongly believe that it is beyond not fair that insurance will cover birth control, but not cover infertility treatments. I really hope that in my lifetime I see a change in this coverage and anyone can have the treatment they need, without the financial constraints that many of you face daily.

　　

I also am beyond blessed to have an understanding boss. I think that her being a woman helps- not that all men don't understand- but a woman truly does understand the cycle and that there are specific needs for me being at the doctors office at specifics dates and times.

　　

Pammy J if you happen to stumble upon this I really do know how lucky I am and I can never thank you enough for your understanding.

　

You see Pammy J will come in early to cover me herself if I need the coverage to go to an appointment. She will help me figure out a schedule. Assist me in finding my days off and most of all offer a shoulder if I seem to be off mentally.

　

I really am blessed. I know that this baby that we are trying so hard to have is truly going to be so very blessed as well.

　

I wish you all were granted the time off from work when you need it to go to the appointments you need to as well. My heart aches when I see posts about financial hardship and time off issues compounded with your personal infertility issues.

　　

Isn't it unjust enough that we don't get to have baby's the old fashioned way? Why do we have to deal with the injustices of finances and schedules to add to it?

　

I think that part of the reason I am on this journey is to help make a change. Whether is just be locally- to raise a voice that infertility is far more common than most people can imagine- or globally if my voice can reach out... combined though all our voices will make a difference.

　　

I hope that if my children happen to suffer from infertility that their journey's are easier. That their desire to have a child doesn't have to be compounded with hardships that are out of their control.

　　

I saw this quote on a beautiful guest post by Caroline at Team Harries Beats Infertility -

　

"Rather than ignoring or punishing us, God is allowing our experiences to mold us in anticipation of the blessing He has planned. That gift is coming" – Susan Radulovacki

　

Along those lines I think that he is also using these experiences to help us make a change. There has to be a bigger reason for all of this. I think part of my reason is to help raise awareness.

　　

I also think that this journey has helped me renew my faith. I’m not the most religious person- in that I don't attend church every Sunday and some days I have a mouth of a truck driver. But, I do have my faith. I believe and I trust in God always. I have seen prayer work and I pray daily.

　　

I think sometimes we forget about our faith when we feel like were getting beaten down. Sometimes we lose sight of what really matters and what the bigger picture is. Or we renew our faith... we become stronger in our trust in God due to our struggles.

　　

I think I have found some of what my bigger picture is- a voice to raise awareness and a renewed faith and trust in God.

　　

Flowers bloom the best after a little rain..

I just don't know about so much in our life right now…

First and foremost I had my 7 day post IUI blood work yesterday. My progesterone was 10.2 this cycle, which is up from 9.3 last cycle- but still not very high for a medicated cycle.

I feel like I should press this issue with my doctors as to why my progesterone still isn’t rising. But with so much else going on in our lives -continue reading for more on that in a moment- I have chosen to take a back seat for now and let what will be- be.

I'm happy with up. Up is better than down so I will take it. We won't know anything for certain for at least another week. So there's one thing I just don't know about. Add it to the growing pile of unknowns..

I am at 8 days post IUI. I tested yesterday and it was negative so the trigger is out. I don’t plan on testing again until 10 days post IUI- Thursday-… and even then that may not reveal anything it just may be too early.. Currently I feel emotionally drained and fatigued. Add it to that pile..

　

The other thing is - to make a very long- very private story short- Rob is no longer employed. Let that sink in for just a moment... For what its worth Im not sure its totally sunk in here either..

Pile overload..

He resigned from his position of 11 years yesterday after making a bad judgment call and being given the option to resign over being fired. People make mistakes and I am sad that they didn’t give him a second chance. I stand by him – I have made mistakes in my past as well...and I am positive I will make mistakes in my future- I am human.. Life will go on and move forward.

A friend wrote to us yesterday and said- "Man may not forgive your mistakes but God does."

I’m not what one would call super religious- but I do have strong faith. I pray often and I believe strongly. This quote really stuck with me yesterday. Maybe man didn’t give him a second chance- but I’m sure there is a reason for this—we are yet to see it, but we will in due time...this is one thing I can say I am sure of..

This is going to be a very difficult time while we navigate unknown waters and pray that our faith carries us through. I know that God has a plan and I know that there is a reason that silly things like this happen.

I have found a lot of strength in our wonderful support system of friends and family- and my husband- who did the right thing and admitted to making a bad judgment call- to making a mistake—when most people would have lied- and probably kept their jobs in doing so… my husband did what most would have not done- he told the truth. I respect that because it takes a strong man to own up to his mistakes.

I thank you all for your hugs and thoughtful messages. To say that I am stressed out is the understatement of the century. I am already hormonal and emotional—and stressed out--add this to it and I really could spend hours just crying. I won’t- but I really honestly could.

I know that all things happen for a reason and I know everything will workout. I know a year from now – I have no idea where we will be exactly- but we will look back at this and understand exactly why this happened..

I wasn't sure how Rob was going to feel about this cycle once we found out he was no longer employed. Lets be real- having only one income is not the most opportune time to become pregnant and start a family.. I know this.

I also know that God has a sense of humor and I have a feeling that this is going to be the cycle because we only have one income- you know that’s how things work out. You try for years to get pregnant- and BAM when your life is turned upside down- well ya know…

Rob called me right away and told me to switch our insurance over to my name so that our infertility treatments and medical care continue to be covered without issue.

Then when I found out my progesterone levels were up and told him - he held steadfast in continuing to hold out hope for this cycle.

I just don't know what we are going to do, where we are going, or what is going to happen- what I do know- and what is truly important.. is that our faith and friends and family will carry us through whatever is ahead of us.

Flowers bloom their best after a little rain..

I know we have no control over anything at this point. Rob is applying for work both near and far. I am working on breathing, sleeping, eating and working as much as I can.

So if your the praying type a simple prayer for strength for our family during this time

would be wonderful<3

Hope, Faith, and Love

Not too much going on in our world today. The next two weeks are going to feel like forever.

　

I talked to my Mom today and told her about yesterday's IUI. I’m very close with her and she is aware of our struggles. There are times I wish I didn't share everything with her- but honestly its nice to have my Mom to talk to. I told her about the fact that if this IUI works there is a very real chance of multiples. Its the first time I said those words out loud to anyone really.

The thought makes me hopeful - since I have always wanted a big family. My emotions range from excited and emotional about the thought --

But it also makes me worry- how would we afford that, our house is too small, what if there are complications.. so on a so forth..

My online blogging friend Heather and I have been talking a lot today about our two week waits- which coincide exactly. She sent me this bible verse this afternoon- she is also looking at a very real possibility of multiples this go around. Like me she says she just senses it could be the cycle and she feels multiples.

It’s a weird feeling- like its meant to be… I will be happy with whatever we are blessed with equally… just a hunch if you will..

　

(For the record I am not super-duper religious however I believe strongly in the power of prayer and that God is always listening. To further this record I often pray to my Grandma G and not to God because I believe he has a lot going on and she is my true angel)

　

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

　

Along those lines we also discussed how no matter what happens this cycle- blessed with pregnancy- or multiples- or another BFN- the Lord will help guide us and move us forward in the right direction. We will find a way -no matter what happens- to move forward. To continue to love one another and the life we share.. When the time is right our paths will be shown to us and only then will be truly understand the struggles we have faced so far..

I continue to feel extremely hopeful- almost giddy- about this cycle. I know there isn’t a "baby" or "babies" in there yet - but I've been talking to my belly today.. telling the little cells to multiply and implant and grow.

My heart is full of love and I want nothing more than to share it<3

Like the trusted and true Bible verse reads- Hope, Faith, and Love- but the greatest of these is LOVE.