On Finding Your Religion

-Everything is super fantastic with me and the twins right now. Nothing really to report there- no more bleeding since the one incident last week and the worst morning sickness yet had hit me starting on Friday and has stuck around ever since. Trust me I am not complaining- I've never embraced morning sickness as much as I am right now- to me it means that my babies are growing and are getting bigger and stronger, so every time I hang my head into a sink, toilet, or other vomit catching receptacle I know that my body is doing just what its suppose to do. This is not to say I wouldn't mind some relief so that I can eat some. My one worry at this point is that I am down just over 12lbs since finding out I was pregnant. I'm overweight right now anyway, but I don't want to continue to lose weight. My goal this week is to work on eating what I can, when I can, but not skipping over meals. Our first appointment with our new OB is Wednesday- I hope I get to see my little ones again :)

Last night while I was praying I was thinking a lot about my old church. The church I grew up in. We have recently found a new church near us and felt very at home there, but I couldn't help but miss my small town church last night. It also got me thinking to how I found my religion.

When I was born  I was very premature and my Great Grand-father was a strong Catholic. He believed that if I wasn't Christened and something happened to me I would go to hell. So my Great Grand-father came to the hospital and had me Christened his self. My Mom was raised as a devout Catholic and my Father a not as devout Baptist. My brother and I were brought up to believe in God, but no strict religion. 

In fact my parents and their best friends baptized me after I came home in a cedar water creek near our home themselves. Once I was old enough I started attending Sunday school on my own and stayed with my little church for many years. Religion was something I was always drawn to.

I grew up in a small town conservative Baptist Church. It was quiet for the most part, but something that I liked is that Pastor knew me. Everyone knew me. Part of me misses that. Part of me doesn't feel like this new church is the exact fit for us and I think that is what is missing- the small town feel that I grew up with. 
 
Our new church is big and loud and has multiple services a day- and while I am becoming more involved and meeting lots of new people that attend the service I normally attend- I still can't help but feel like I am lost in the crowd there. Its by no fault of their own- in fact its amazing that this new church has so many members and is large and I like the loud music -it draws you in and gives me a chance to sing- something I love, but not something I get to do regularly. (ps I have no voice and I sing completely out of key, but my lord loves when I sing to him regardless!) 


What I don't miss from the small town church is the judgemental feel of everyone knowing you. When I was a teenager and I messed up big time the entire church knew. There were no secrets. I think that is part of the reason I never went back.

Then that led me to think about messing up and making mistakes. I'm flawed- in fact we all our. I have said things I shouldn't have said, done things I am not proud of, have a past that was rocky, lost myself more than once- all this being said is it best to proclaim our faults? Shout them out to the world? 

World I am flawed and here are all my mistakes and my transgressions? 

Or is it perfectly okay to keep quiet and know your own faults. Apologize when you should and move forward with your life. Isn't that what we should do? Isn't that what God wants us to do? After all if he forgives me for my sins- isn't that enough? 


I guess I was feeling really good about the new church, but I really do miss the small town feel that a smaller church can give. All these feelings have me left wondering if this new church really is the perfect set up for our little family... or if I just need to keep pushing and finding to right place and the right fit.

How did you seek and find a new church? What were things you looked for? 

Celebrations, Parties, and a Guest Post

It’s been a crazy-crazy weekend here! We were finally able to celebrate Christmas with our families-- we both worked on Christmas and Christmas Eve.

On Friday we celebrated our Christmas Eve and I spent the entire day cleaning and cooking and celebrating that our families would be in the next day. Some friends and family stopped in on Christmas Eve and celebrated with us.

A combination of my Ganny's Egg Nog and my Great Grandpa's Egg Nog-- thus making it really my own Egg Nog

These are supposed to be pine cones.. they tasted good at least!



Stromboli- which was by far the easiest thing I made and tasted wonderful



Saturday was our Christmas day and we have all of our family with us except my little brother who had to work. It was beautiful to have everyone together—but it was also exhausting. I’m glad everything went well, but I do wish a magic cleaning fairy would show up and clean and de-decorate my home (and then redecorate it for Valentines Day.)

Swishy was spoiled rotten and got a new ham bone that he has been carrying around like it’s his baby since Saturday. Rob and I keep joking that he’s trying to kill us with the ham bone by leaving it on the steps and under our feet at all times.



Our Christmas morning breakfast- French Toast Bake - Delish!



Saturday night we went out to the casino to celebrate Rob’s best friends 40^th Birthday. He had flown in from Florida so we made a point so go see him and celebrate with him even though after hosting Christmas I was much more into lying on the couch.

Being at the casino made me realize how much I have mentally aged. Not that I don’t enjoy a nice night out, but I much prefer being home. After we got home I felt like I had to shower because they are allowed to smoke in the casino and I hate smelling like cigarette smoke. I also hate spending $9 for a glass of wine… I digress we went and celebrated with his buddy and rang in his 40’s.

Sunday we went to Rob’s moms 70^th birthday. She had a luncheon with all of the family and her friends. It was nice to be there with everyone and to see Rob’s mom happy. I have a bunch of pictures, but I am not going to post them until I make her album.

It was a hectic weekend to say the least. I start back to work again today and its as though I am covered with a blanket of exhaustion. I could really use a day to relax from my 3 days off. Lol.

Swishy all Christmased out :)

On Friday I had the honor to guest post over at Charity’s Blog- My Guest Post- A Story of Change  if you get a moment head on over to check out my dear friend Charity’s blog and read and learn a little more about me.

Tomorrow I meet with my IVF APN and go over our IVF medications and schedule. I’m getting very excited as we move forward. I’m feeling very positive and filled with hope. 2014 is going to be a beautiful year for us—I have to believe it!

Christmas Eve Traditions

In my family the Christmas Eve tradition when we were very young was to go pick out a tree. We would start to decorate it and overnight it would come to life with more decorations and angel hair and tinsel -- it became magical. When we woke in the morning it was perfect and under the tree presents would overflow. 

Our entire family would come together and spend the day making beautiful memories. As time went on and we all grew older and created our own families our traditions changed and grew and we created our own. 

Rob and I work a lot of holidays. So our Christmas and Christmas Eve -as well as almost all other holidays- get moved to days that we can make them work for us and our schedule and still take part in the spirit of the season. 

Last night was our Christmas Eve since we both work tonight. We attended our new Church's Christmas Eve production. As a side note I am so thankful that they do a Christmas Eve-Eve production as well as Christmas Eve- they recognize that not everyone can make a true Christmas Eve service and for that I am so thankful! 

Our Christmas Production was called the Never Ending Story~ it was a beautiful production that brought me to tears a few times. First was this song by Steven Curtis Chapman that our talented musicians brought to life- The Glorious Unfolding

Lay your head down tonight

Take a rest from the fight

Don't try to figure it out

Just listen to what I'm whispering to your heart

Cause I know this is not

Anything like you thought

The story of your life was gonna be

And it feels like the end has started closing in on you

But it's just not true

There's so much of the story that's still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding

Just you wait and see and you will be amazed

You've just got to believe the story is so far from over

So hold on to every promise God has made to us

And watch this glorious unfolding

God's plan from the start

For this world and your heart

Has been to show His glory and His grace

Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of

His unfailing Love

And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding

Just you wait and see and you will be amazed

We've just got to believe the story is so far from over

So hold on to every promise God has made to us

And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever

Singing songs to our Savior and King

So let us remember this life we're living

Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding

We will watch and see and we will, be amazed

If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over

And hold on to every promise God has made to us

We'll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)

This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

How powerful! I have played it over and over and over and over.. you get the point. If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over..And hold on to every promise God has made to us.. We'll see the glorious unfolding!!

I felt it in my bones- the message, the lyrics, and the life that buzzed around our Church.  The next thing that truly hit home was the opening to the services where our Pastors Wife read the opening. She talked about time-- and how God knows what time everything is going to happen-- everything is going to unfold.. 

It was as though she was speaking to me directly. In other words stop fretting-- your story is unfolding just the way it is suppose to!! No need to stress! No need to worry! 

If you don't have any plans later today and want to check out our Church's productions of The Never Ending Story they will be broadcasting a live feed starting at 1:50pm, 3:50pm and 5:50pm- Shore Fellowship Online Campus. If you have an hour the story is beautiful and the talent is amazing. 

I hope that last night was the start of a new tradition for my family. I pray that you and your families are able to come together and share the story of Christmas, pray together for a blessed New Year, and spread love and joy. 

Merry Christmas from our home to yours! xo ~ Rob, Kasey & Swish

We're Going To Disney World~

First before I begin to share my good news I have to send all of my love and prayers to Anne at The Second Bedroom who just received awful news from her doctors office. Please head over and send her some love if you can. Anne if you are reading this my heart aches for you and I am sending you so much peace and love and light. xo



Last night we had the in-laws over to tell them that we are under going IVF. Rob's Mom was quick to point out that she already knew I wasn't pregnant because when I saw her on Thursday night I had a glass of wine with her. 

Sweet, that was truly my plan when I had that glass of wine and it was 100% on purpose. I didn't truly want or need it in that moment, but I knew that if I said "no thanks" when she offered me it that it would have sent off red flags. She knew we wanted to have them over to "talk" this week. I didn't want to set her up for a giant let down. She's been waiting as long as we have after all.. if not longer. She is waiting for that "talk".. the one where we tell her she is going to be a Grandma. I always feel like I am letting people down- especially Rob's parents since they are much older than mine, so I really did want to soften the blow. I figured she had jumped to the "their pregnant" conclusion that most Mom's of 38 year old Men who have been married for almost 4 years do...

The conversation could not have gone better though. I had all my information laid out so I could show it to them and help them understand it better. We told them everything that we have already gone through and tried our best to explain everything that is yet to come. We told them that IVF is in no way a 100% guarantee that we will end up with a baby, but its better odds then we have had lately on our own. I didn't cry once- though when Rob spoke of our journey and how he knows it has been hard on my my eyes did well up. I know its been hard on him as well.

We asked them to be as patient with us as possible. We told them we knew they probably would have lots of questions, and we would answer whatever we could. We asked them to not question us to much during this process though. We told them that we would tell them when we got pregnant, but we would do it on our timeline. We asked them not to tell anyone else what was going on- mainly so that we have our privacy and can tell people in our own way and answer their questions when we are ready. 

They were visibly excited to know that we were moving forward and getting closer to making them Grandparents. They prayed with us and for us and over us. They hugged us and loved us. They embraced this 100% and I could feel their love and knew they wanted this as much as we do.

And then they told us they were taking us to Disney World. 

Well not quite like that exactly. Rob's sister lives in Arizona and it is not often that we are all together. In fact I have been with Rob for almost 8 years now and there is only one other time in those years that his entire family has really been together for any length of time. In February his parents are getting their timeshare in Disney for a few weeks because Rob's sister will be coming to Florida already. They wanted nothing more than for us all to really be there together. We just need to pay for our airfare, but they don't want us to worry about any other financial aspect of the trip. They just want their family together. 

I think they know that these times are few and far between and as they get older and sicker the less of the chance that we will take these trips. Its sad when I sit back and think that this must be going through their minds. 

Of course some of the thought that fluttered through my already chaotic mind were - Oh goodness I could actually be pregnant in Disney. And Oh my I could make an announcement at Disney! Oh my word were really going to Disney! 

You see a little secret you may or may not know about me- I am a Disney Freak! I just love it. Over the years I have converted my husband to become a Disney Freak with me. With Rob's job loss and our fertility issues I really didn't think we would be going anytime soon. So I am beyond over the moon excited about Disney. I started plotting and planning and reserving for our trip. It was a wonderful distraction from the big IVF in the room. 

In a matter of a few hours I have looked up flight departures and arrivals, car rentals, planned and reserved meals, planned days in Disney, planned fireworks and parades... my mind goes a million miles a minute when it comes to Disney. More so when it comes to thinking that this could be our child's very first Disney trip- in utero. 

I know I am full of hope and sunshine and rainbows- but for the longest time I didn't feel that. I am fully aware that I may be setting myself up for a let down, but the joy I get in thinking about the happiness that could possibly be filling me- that is half the fun in planning on having a baby. I missed these conversations that we had when we first started trying. The what would be name our babies. The what would they look like. The what are they going to call our parents.. those conversations that we used to have.. but stopped having because there was far too much pain in thinking about what could-be scenarios that seemed like pipe dreams with each stark white test. 

Now I get to have hope. Now we get to have hope. And if it doesn't work this time- then it doesn't work, but for now I am choosing to be filled with hope and joy and sunshine, because the other option is not nearly as fun. I am reserving the right to have my moments- as we all do.. but for now I choose hope. 

In this moment I choose to think about having a baby on board and having to say things like "no I can't have any wine.. I'm pregnant.." and "no I can't ride Tower of Terror.. you see I am carrying a baby!" As I think that these moments are really possible tears stream down my face. Happy.. happy tears. I am so filled with light and love and hope that I could explode... Its not without some anxiety, but I am truly focused on the happy.

So now we just wait for Monday and pray for good results and hope that we are the lucky ones. Hope that this all works for us. Pray that this is our last stop on this journey. Pray that when I am walking around Disney in February that its with a unseen plus one... a little Mickey or Minnie if you will<3

And the Greatest is Love

I remember September 11, 2001 like it was just yesterday. I was in high school, a Sophomore, sitting in Algebra 2. Someone walked into my classroom and told my teacher to put the television on, that something awful was happening.

What we saw will forever be engraved in my mind. I can not forget as the TV flickered to life-  watching the second plane crash into Tower 2. 

At first there was confusion. Then panic. Then realization of what was occurring.

In 2001 I was a brand new first responder. I was associated with our towns volunteer ambulance service and I knew in those moments that people from our area were going to be heading up to do what they could to help.

I knew in those moments that lives were lost. I knew in those moments that life would never be the same. The fear that was induced on September 11th 2001 would never just go away. We would never and could never go back to September 10th 2001. 

Life was forever different.

I remember my teacher saying she was going to say a prayer and that we could pray too if we wanted too. I remember crying and bowing my head in silent prayer. In a public high school that is something that forever sticks with you. 

 I also remember the principal asking teachers to turn the televisions off, that they did not want us watching what was happening. But, my study hall teacher Mr P. refused to turn it off. I remember him saying we are living a moment in history and its beyond  important for us to watch and know what was going on. 

I remember the faces of my classmates. The faces of the staff. The faces of my parents that day when I got home. No one knew what to say. At the same time no one had to say anything.

I remember September 12th better though. It was quiet. Eerie quiet. There was a melancholy feeling amongst everyone. Some people cried. Other prayed. There were so many flags hanging in our small town. People held doors longer. People smiled at one another. People were in shock.

It is so hard to believe that it is 12 years later.

At the same time it really is 12 years later. 

As a dispatcher there is one radio transmission that brings me to tears every year when its replayed or re posted. 

08:49 hrs 9/11/01
Squad 1-8 to Manhattan, K.
Squad 1-8 K.
....looked like it was intentional. Inform all units coming in from the back it could be a terror attack.
Ten-four. All units be advised. 

There are many other transmission that stick with me.. but this one is forever in my memory. The dispatchers voice. Her tone. Her calm. Her bravery. I commend her. My heart goes out to her. 

I can not imagine.  

My hearts and prayers goes out to every single person affected - which truly is all of us. All of our lives were changed. 

However, there is a special place in my heart for the dispatchers. The way they remained calm. The way they relayed transmissions. The horror they had to be feeling and the fear.. well being as this is my career I just can't imagine. I pray that I never have to deal with anything on the scale in which they did- and if I ever have to I pray that I can handle it with the calmness and grace in which they did.

To dispatchers the guys and girls that are on the calls are our responsibility. My job every day is to get each and every one of my girls and guys and patients home safely. We want everyone to return home to their families and loved ones, and sadly on September 11th, 2001 that did not happen. The dispatchers could not have imagined it would have turned out that way.. and the first responders that were sent into the towers did so willingly. It was their job to try to- and they succeeded in- saving many lives. At the same time so many lost their own lives. So many were forever effected.There is no doubt in my mind that it sticks with the dispatchers every single day of their lives.

So while I pray for all the first responders, the fireman, police officers, emergency medical technicians, paramedics, nurses, civilians, search and rescue... and all of us forever affected by these awful acts I have to hold a special prayer for my brothers and sisters in dispatch.

I will forever hold you all in my heart. 

Hold your loved ones a little tighter today. Instead of thinking of the awful that occurred that day and the evil behind it I prefer to think of the good. All the people that ran into the buildings and all the people in the days, weeks, and months after that spent their time do whatever was asked of them in order to help. 

Alan Jackson has a song - Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning.. 

There is a verse in the song that says it very best- 

"I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell
You the difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love" - Alan Jackson

Snapshot Sunday!

Today Snapshot is of my biggest fan and my best friend. I love this picture of us. I couldn't help but to smile and laugh on what was the best day of my life. My husband is pretty amazing- especially since he just scrubbed my toilets :) 

Partnership, teamwork, and love <3

Hope, Faith, and Love

Not too much going on in our world today. The next two weeks are going to feel like forever.

　

I talked to my Mom today and told her about yesterday's IUI. I’m very close with her and she is aware of our struggles. There are times I wish I didn't share everything with her- but honestly its nice to have my Mom to talk to. I told her about the fact that if this IUI works there is a very real chance of multiples. Its the first time I said those words out loud to anyone really.

The thought makes me hopeful - since I have always wanted a big family. My emotions range from excited and emotional about the thought --

But it also makes me worry- how would we afford that, our house is too small, what if there are complications.. so on a so forth..

My online blogging friend Heather and I have been talking a lot today about our two week waits- which coincide exactly. She sent me this bible verse this afternoon- she is also looking at a very real possibility of multiples this go around. Like me she says she just senses it could be the cycle and she feels multiples.

It’s a weird feeling- like its meant to be… I will be happy with whatever we are blessed with equally… just a hunch if you will..

　

(For the record I am not super-duper religious however I believe strongly in the power of prayer and that God is always listening. To further this record I often pray to my Grandma G and not to God because I believe he has a lot going on and she is my true angel)

　

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

　

Along those lines we also discussed how no matter what happens this cycle- blessed with pregnancy- or multiples- or another BFN- the Lord will help guide us and move us forward in the right direction. We will find a way -no matter what happens- to move forward. To continue to love one another and the life we share.. When the time is right our paths will be shown to us and only then will be truly understand the struggles we have faced so far..

I continue to feel extremely hopeful- almost giddy- about this cycle. I know there isn’t a "baby" or "babies" in there yet - but I've been talking to my belly today.. telling the little cells to multiply and implant and grow.

My heart is full of love and I want nothing more than to share it<3

Like the trusted and true Bible verse reads- Hope, Faith, and Love- but the greatest of these is LOVE.