Doctors Suck -Please Pardon The Anxiety Attack

This is the story of my very craptastic totally awful day and its not even noon yet.. 

Seriously. I mean seriously. 

That is all I got. 

Remember last week when I said that the last few times I had Saturday's IUI's I had to wait until 16 days post IUI for the beta? 

Remember that they told me to come back to the office today? 13 days post IUI to have my Beta this time and I thought "Wow thats earlier than last time" and I double checked to be sure they said "Return on Friday" and they did.... 

Well shizam.

They were wrong. So I showed up today for my beta like I was instructed... TWICE and they said "Oh Kasey you really need to wait until Monday for the beta." 

How come I knew this.. and I double checked stating this, but you still had me return today? 

GET IT TOGETHER PEOPLE! You are the doctors office you told me to return today so I got up early I trudged out in the rain filled with hope and joy and WHAM. The wind gets knocked out of me. 

I get that people make mistakes. I really do.  But while I understand that my heart doesn't feel like being so forgiving in this moment. 

They made me take a HPT, and since it was negative (insert image of a deflating balloon here) they wouldn't do the beta. I need to return to the office on Monday and have my beta then if my period doesn't show up. 

Lovely. 

Apparently there is still a slim chance that I can have a baby growing in there. Apparently I need to keep the faith and keep the hope- if its not so apparent I have lost all hope in this cycle.. 

Instead I had a nervous breakdown leaving the doctors office. It was the longest elevator ride to the bottom floor ever. The tears were silently rolling down my cheek until I got into my car and started full blown sobbing and proceeded to have a full blown anxiety attack. It was ugly I'm mad and angry and pissed. 

I got nothing left to give today, but somehow I have to pull myself together and go to a wedding and be all happy and bubbly. 

I can actually feel the end of this cycle drawing near. I know I should keep the hope and all that other happy crap that the optimist inside of me is saying I should do, but I am preparing for the inevitable. Another failed IUI.6 failed IUI's. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think we would end up here. 3 years of TTC. A full year of treatment at the RE and no baby. Not anywhere closer to making my spare bedroom a nursery. 

Im sorry I realize how non uplifting this post is, and sadly I have a feeling this is just a precursor to my pending full blown anxiety attack and pity party. I try to stay as positive as I can.. but today I got nothing left to give. I feel empty and hollow inside and I need to just take a deep breath and pull it together.. 

Blah. Today starts NaNoWriMo. I have a feeling something terribly awful is going to happen in the next chapter of the story I'm writing to fit my lovely mood and the gloomy weather. Stay tuned I'll share an excerpt soon.. 

Oh have I mentioned that they are tearing our ceilings apart even more today. 

Womp Womp. Thank you universe for conspiring against me today...