100%

I just want to take a moment and let all of my friends, family, and blog friends know that not only today, but everyday I think of you. I will be lighting my candles and saying some prayers for each and every one of you.

Today- October 15^th – is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. The month of October is widely known for Breast Cancer Awareness- which is certainly super important- but little mention is made that it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. If you have ever been affected by a loss my heart goes out to you- not just today, or this month, but every day. You are always in my thoughts and I am always praying for your comfort, your strength, and you inner peace.

My husband and I have been having a tumultuous journey this year. 2013 has not been nice to us so far. Things have been so very far from easy. If you were to picture us canoeing as a team down the river- passing by the beautiful trees, hitting their peak of color change here in the North East, or watching the birds and nature around us - but instead we can’t focus on the beauty that surrounds us because we are attempting to traverse the white water rapids that are directly in front of us. We’re getting good at traversing the rough waters though and we are starting to be able to look around just enough to realize that despite the hard stuff that we are going through- there is still all that beauty around us. It doesn’t go away just because we are not looking at it. Sometimes you have to remind one another to look up and take it in.

When we got married my Pastor said that many couples will tell us during our marriage that we need to have a 50/50 relationship. Give and get. But, he didn’t want us to look at our marriage like that. Pastor Murray wanted us to always remember that no matter what our marriage is a 100% commitment- always. Not just when it’s easy to give all of yourself. Not just when you’re passing through the river and looking at the beauty, but give 100% when you’re falling out of the canoe and sucking in the water too. That’s what I am trying to embody during all of this stuff that is trying to beat us down. 100%... always.

My husband was let go from his job in June- he interviewed that week for a new job- and just this past week they have told my husband that they are not interested in him. They have drug him on for the passed four month. They built his hopes up and t hen they just knocked him down. It’s a big blow to his self esteem. I think the wind is knocked out of his sails and I can completely understand feeling like this uphill battle just keeps getting steeper. He needs me now more than ever before. He needs 100% because frankly 50% just won’t suffice.

It’s been hard on us financially too, but that’s not the only backlash of him not having full time employment. Since he lost his job I have had to take the insurance over in my name. Once we switched the insurance I started receiving bills for deductible after deductible totaling over $5000 dollars in just four months. I have been fighting for the benefits that we are suppose to have and am happy to report that I believe that battle is over- but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t drained us any less.

During these four months we have had three more failed IUI’s plus a natural cycle that failed as well. I don’t have to explain to you all what that can do to a persons spirit. I confront how I feel here often, but my husband doesn’t share our journey with anyone really- he holds onto it all and I know that it has him down as well.

During Hurricane Irene, which was two years ago-we had a leak in our home which caused water damage- and then mold damage – our walls were ripped out, our floors, our ceilings- it was six months of destruction and then finally our home was fixed – or so we thought. We flooded again after Super Storm Sandy. More water damage. More repairs. More stress. Even more heartache.

Well guess what- after all of that this week our area was struck by a Nor’easter and wham our roof is leaking again. Repairs are expected to be between $1500-$3000 dollars and take an unknown amount of time… and that is before they rip the floors apart again and we get a new sliding glass door….

This is just the tip of the tough stuff we have been dealing with. This week I took some time to go through our wedding pictures and remind myself of our sermon. Remind myself of our promises to one another- remind myself to give 100% and cheer Rob on despite the raging waters. Despite all the heartache and the pain, and despite the leaky ceilings and water damage we have to just keep cheering, keep the faith, keep praying and keep rowing our canoe down the river despite missing paddles or rapids that try to overthrow us.

Together- and only together- will we be able to overcome all the bad.

Yesterday it was "take your pants off Monday.." aka Columbus Day..

I went to the RE and will continue forward with 225 IU Menopur and .25 Dex daily and be seen again on Wednesday morning. I had a 4mm lining- but I was still bleeding so the real check will be my next ultrasound when, hopefully I am no longer bleeding. Right ovary had 11, 9, and 8 mm follicles –which were really good since last cycle is took almost a week to get me to 10mm so this cycle is already showing more promise. The left ovary had all less than 10mm and nothing that they measured. I’m continuing to pray that the 6^th cycle is the charm, and not think one iota about any other cycles. I’m putting my faith in this one and only when it doesn’t turn out will I turn my focus towards the future.

I also went to my ob/gyn for my annual wellness visit. These visits are always a major stressor for me since this marks my anniversary of bad pap smears and cancer scares. This also marks 3 years of us TTC. It’s amazing how 3 years can feel simultaneously so very long and yet so very fast at the same time. This appointment last year was when we began our testing for our RE. My ob/gyn was very sweet. His wife and he underwent many years of trying- 9 to be exact- which took my breath away as he shared his story. He didn’t become a father until he was into his 50’s and his wife was 42 and then 47 for their children. He told me to never lose the faith. I’m glad he shared that with me.

After two appointments in a row of removing my pants I went to PT when I walked in and wanted to take my pants off.. But refrained. PT is going well and my neck is feeling better every single day. I’m hopeful that after a few more weeks I will be all better. Since I am going through 3 times a wekk PT I am not doing accupuncture this cycle. It is just added stress to try to work that into an already tight schedule. Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes, I truly am feeling much better.

I guess the lesson I really want to leave you with today is to give 100% of yourself in your marriage. Stop thinking of it like a 50/50 deal and a barter system and put all of your love and strength into it. Some days I do want to break down and not be strong, but I know that’s not going to help anything. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t looking forward towards the new year- and hopefully new beginnings and happier times- but at the same time I have to remember to look up and around at all the beauty and blessings that surround us daily.

Hope you can take a moment out today to look around at the beauty and count the blessings in your life.. Take a moment to pray for those that are remembering those who have gone too soon and light a candle in remembrance tonight. Take a moment to pray for your spouses- that no matter what the struggle is your going to get through it together as a team..

Life wasn’t meant to be easy- it was meant to be a journey.. Bumps and all..