Today Is A Good Day!

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes for the loss of my friend Kevin. I will be sure his spirit lives on with me always. Death sadly is a part of life and while we grieve here on earth I know that he is watching over all of us and completely at peace. It's knowing that which helps me to remember him with a smile on my face <3

Today is a very good day- I just returned from the RE's- I have continued growth in almost all my follicles. The average size is around 18mm right now with some at 20mm and some around 13mm and a few scattered in between. 

My lining is at 12mm!! (Woot!) 

Tonight I will stim for hopefully the last night with my Gonal-F upped to 300 IU, Menopur 225 IU, Dexamethasone .25 and Ganirelex 225 mcg. 

The hope is that upping the Gonal-F will help give some of the smaller follicles a little bump and a chance at being mature. The hope is to retrieve over 10 mature eggs and we are pretty close to that right now.

I return for another scan tomorrow and my retrieval should be on Thursday. It's not set in stone just yet, but Dr. V sounded pretty confident in it. 

I'm still feeling pretty good and I'm excited as we move forward. It's been a long journey to get to this point of utter peace. I know that my doctors are doing their very best. I know that my body is doing its very best. And I know that the rest is truly up to God. 

Good things really are coming :) I can feel it and I'm choosing to stay positive and not think about any other outcome other than being pregnant as we move forward<3 I know that being so positive could set me up for a fall if things don't go as planned-- but life is like that. You never know what the very next moment will bring and I am choosing to live in hope that good things are coming. 

That the best is yet to come. 

The Good and The Bad.

I have so much going on in my head that I need to spill forth so if this is everywhere all at once I apologize for the roller coaster. 

Lets start with the good-

I have my follicle scan yesterday. There are still 12 follicles growing, and there may be more that they cant see because my left ovary is in a difficult spot to view behind my uterus. They are still growing small most right around 12 mm right now, but they are growing together and that is a good thing. 

My lining is also at 9mm which is really good and by the time we get to transfer it should certainly be into the double digits which is an amazing lining to place a little embryo snugly into.

I still don't have a retrieval date. I go for another scan on Monday and they said we should be able to set up a retrieval day at that point. My doctor yesterday thinks Wednesday or Thursday. Either way I am so ready. I'm continuing with 225 Gonal-F, 225 Menopur, and Ganirelex along with .25 Dexemethesone. 

My best friend was able to come with me to my appointment and we did some shopping afterwards and share a lovely lunch. I bought a new outfit, which essentially is sweat pants and thermal shirts. My idea was to be warm and comfy for my retrieval. While in line a woman who was obviously pregnant was behind us. I took that as a good sign instead of viewing it as something bad. While checking out the cashier also commented that the clothes were super soft- which was key in my choosing them so I think that was also a win. 

Crush from Finding Nemo! He's so cool :)

I also went to Vikki Secret and bought new under wear. I found undies with turtles on them. Many of you, I am sure, are familiar with turtles as a sign of fertility. I also have a certain affinity for turtles. I thought it was awesome when the cashier commented on my turtle under wear. I just took all the little things as signs that things are going just how they are supposed to! 

Squirt from Finding Nemo! I hope to be growing my own little squirt soon:)

So that was the good. Everything with our IVF is moving forward- albeit slowly- but continuing in forward motion. Thank you for all of your continued support and prayers for our cycle. I feel like this is it- I feel positive and happy. I feel like we are in the right place for us right now. Other than the fatigue and bloat I do not feel bad at all. Things are going so well. 

Now for the bad- A long time coworker and a true friend was found dead at the age of 42 yesterday morning. Kevin J. Seybold was a paramedic for NJ -Medic 2335 and a Fire Fighter for the City of Camden. Kevin was more than that though- Kevin was a father to his beautiful, young daughter Taylor. Kevin was a God Father, Brother, Cousin, Uncle.... Kevin devoted his life selflessly towards others. Long after Kevin left working at the same company as I do he kept up with my life. He would always check in on me, make sure I was healthy, happy, and well. 

RIP Kevin J Seybold

My heart truly broke with the news yesterday. He's so young. He had so much more to give. Apparently Kev hadn't been feeling well for a few days and yesterday he didn't show up for work- which is not like him- so they sent a friend and coworker to his home where they found him dead at home. 

I know that he isn't in pain any longer. I know that he is looking down on all of us and willing us to stop our crying. I know that Kevin saved lives during his time here on earth and I know that Kevin will continue to inspire us long after he is gone. 

Kevin - I hope you can see how many people you have impacted. I hope you know that your spirit and your ability to always make us laugh will live on in all of us. 

God needed another Fire Fighter 

So its been a difficult weekend. I've had wonderful moments this weekend, but they are so clouded with my grief. This is the the fourth coworker in less than a year that we have had a lay to rest. Its a sad remember than as we all quest for life-- death continues on as well. Our lives are not guaranteed here on this earth. Its so important to cherish what we have-- you just do not know what tomorrow will bring.

Follie Update # 2

Todays Update- things are still status quo. 

Still 12 little follies- still all right about 10mm. Still no real growth there. 

Thankfully my uterine lining is at 8mm T/L, which is pretty wonderful. 

My Menopur has been upped to 225 IU with 225 IU Gonal-F and I will start the Ganirelix tonight. 

The Menopur being upped should help pump those follies up into overdrive and get them growing. Also the last time I took 225 IU Menopur my lining responding amazing going into double digits. 

The Ganirelix will help to keep my body from ovulating since we need these little follies to get bigger. 

I return on Saturday for another check. 

If you could pray for some growth and/or do the follie growth dance that would be lovely :) 

I know they can grow. I've been down this road before where I was just slow to respond. I know they will grow, they just need a little bit of time. 

My best friend is trying to get off Saturday since Rob will be in a class all day. We're going to try to make a day of it since I have to go to the farther away office. I plan on stopping at the stores up there and finding a retrieval and transfer outfit. I want something with give in the waist since that seems to be ever expanding and something bright and cheerful to help keep my mood up. 

With continued side effects the fatigue has really set in. After a few errands I am completely wiped out. I'm so thankful I am only working 36 hours a week right now, because I have no doubt I would be drooling on myself if I had to work anything more.

Finally- On my way home Natalie Grant's - Hurricane was playing and I couldn't help but compare IVF to a hurricane. You feel like you are just blowing about in the wind… 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttKnLwwHlig

I'm Just Not Sure

I just returned from the doctors and Rob just asked me if they were encouraged or concerned- and the answer to that question is- "I'm just not sure." 

My follicle scan showed 7 follicles under 10mm on the right ovary and 5 follicles under 10mm on the left ovary. The thing is Friday I have 6 follicles under 10mm on each ovary. Don't get me wrong- I'm super content with 7 & 5, but after 4 days of medication I was hoping for a touch of growth. She didn't mention my lining at all. At least not out loud.

I think the real reason I felt so unsure was that I saw an APN I have never seen before. She wasn't very welcoming and she turned the monitor away from me so I couldn't see. I wanted to reach out and turn it back. She also inserted the vaginal probe without warning. Most of my doctors will say- "You'll feel my touch now.." I don't know I guess I really did not like her. At all. I wanted her to just say everything is going well. She really didn't say much of anything. In fact I felt like maybe I was taking up her valuable time today. I think I would have left the appointment with an entire different outlook had I had seen one of the other APN's or Doctors. I don't know exactly what it was-- but I didn't like it. 

I've never done this before. How about some words to tell me its going fine. Or I am doing well. Instead she just said continue with the Menopur and Gonal-F at the same doses unless they call and tell me otherwise and hold off on the Ganirellex. I'm hormonal and sad and tired and seriously you are the doctor and you know the emotional toll that this takes on us so how about reaching out and being the doctors. How about telling me things are normal or not normal. Gah. I think that is why I am frustrated most of all.

Thankfully my favorite RN pulled me aside. I think I wear my emotions on my face and I am pretty sure she could see me about to burst into tears. Remember I am on an emotional roller coaster to begin with, so ya I probably would handle news like this a touch better if I wasn't so hormoned up. My RN told me slow and steady is good. She reassured me that things are going well and told me to stay positive. She told me that Thursday we will be able to see more. 

I hope she walked out of the room and punch the APN in the throat. 

Okay, okay- maybe that's another hair tie moment. In stead I hope maybe she explained to the APN that women like me need to just know that its okay. Maybe she was able to use it as a teaching moment and maybe the next women that walks in the office has a better experience with that APN.

I return Thursday for another scan and I really hope to see some growth. I have had cycles in the past where I stimmed for many many many days and had no growth and then all of a sudden they caught up. So maybe that is the case this time. Also- Thursday means one of my favorite APN and Doctor combos are in the office and I don't have to see the APN I saw today.

So I'm just not sure how I feel. I feel like I could burst into tears instantaneously, but I'm not sure why I would be crying. I feel happy that there are 12 little follicles working and growing inside me. I feel excited that things are going okay. I feel discouraged that the APN wasn't what I was looking for. I feel encouraged because of my RN who lifted my spirits. 

I feel like I want a nap and a Hershey Kiss. 

As an update to side effects- my belly has started to bruise a lot. I'm not sure if I hit a blood vessel or just a super sensitive spot last night, but what are normally small little bruises are giant big ugly bruises. My breast a super tender and I swear a cup size larger. My belly feels tender as well and if you would have asked me which ovary was being an overachiever before my scan I would have said the left side because I swear I can feel it expanding in there.

All in all these are things I can totally deal with and I am in no way, shape, or form complaining.

Thursday will be better. Thursday I will have a better experience and will know more and my nurses and doctors and APN's will be understanding and caring. Thursday will be better.

My Hair Tie Moments

I'm pretty sure the title says it all- the biggest side effect I have noticed as of now is that my emotions are completely off the charts. I go from the happiest person alive- laughing and joking and smiling to the opposite end of the spectrum and find myself all out crying and in fits of hysterics. 

My husband is a saint.At some point in time I am going to give him a present for dealing with me and my emotional craziness- I pray that the gift is a baby and it comes in about 9 months nice and healthy :) <3

Here is the low down on the medications- 

I can't decide which one I dislike more this go round. Don't get me wrong- I will take them 100 times over if it means a healthy, happy baby in the end. However, if I am being real-- they do suck. It's not something I would willingly do just for the heck of it.

Menopur- which I have taken in the past is causing the same issues I had in the past. It burns and the gauge on the needle is small so it takes longer to push the medication into the body, which means the burning is prolonged. 

Some say to ice the area, however I was advised by my nurse to try to avoid that so that the medication can disperse. I don't like the burning by any means, but I can deal with it so I haven't been icing at all. 

Gonal-F - This is the new one for me. The gauge on the needle is larger-- so it hurts much worse when you are inserting it into the skin, however the medication get pushed much faster since it is larger making the experience quicker overall than the Menopur.

I've been doing the Menopur first right now- mainly because I have to mix the Menopur and the Gonal-F I have doses already mixed up. So I burn and then the burning goes away because I stab and the stabbing pain takes over and then its all over and I treat myself with a glass of milk and a Hershey Kiss Cherry Cordial. Nom nom nom. 

So for the hormonal rage- Rob and I have come to call them my  "Hair Tie Moments"- 

On Saturday my Mom text me and asked me if I was working. I was in the midst of tying my hair up since Rob and I were heading out to run errands and it was raining. The second she saw I wasn't working she called me. I ended up leaving my hair tie on the bathroom sink and walking down stairs. When our conversation was over Rob and I left for our errands and I never put my hair up. This normally wouldn't really phase me. Sure I may be a tad annoyed that my hair was blowing all over in the rain, but I wouldn't let it throw everything off. 

Well, let me tell you. I was a hot mess. I was so upset that I didn't have this hair tie. I wanted to burst into tears and at that moment I realized I needed to just take a breather and relax it was just a hair tie. Rob and I even laughed over it. Rob told me to- "Chill out Incredible Hulk". So we've been joking and laughing about that since.

On Sunday I text Rob (he was at work) to  tell him about my "Hair Tie Moment" of the day. I figure its best to laugh about it. Sunday I went to Church, came home and promptly relaxed by binge watching Roseanne. 

Little secret- Roseanne reruns are by far one of my most favorite things, because typically they just make you laugh and laugh and laugh. However, on Sunday they played two episodes that have a serious undertone- One the Conner's are faced with a tornado. Now even though I know that the Conner's survive this natural disaster and go on to live another eight seasons, and even though I've seen this episode every single bit of 100 times I found myself crying my eyes out. 

Then of course after that episode Darlene has to have an appendectomy. Goodness me. I was snotting and losing it. What if my kid ever has to have an appendectomy!! Ohhh. 

Like I said Good Gravy!

I text Rob and told him I was sad about the Conner's life struggles and I knew I was crazy for it. Thankfully he laughed with me about it and no one was harmed in my hormonal fits, but I am sure that this is only the begining. 

Other than that I feel okay. A bit bloated and crampy, but okay. 

I go tomorrow for a follicle scan, lining check and blood work. I will be really really happy with 10 eggs for retrieval, but anything over 3 is considered a success and they will move forward with the IVF. Anything over 10 would be amazing. I'm doing my best to stay upbeat and positive no matter what we see tomorrow. Praying that tomorrow we get to see some growth as we move forward in this amazing journey.

And We're Off..

We've been given the all clear- no cysts, blood work is good… and medications have finally arrived. 

IVF - is a go. 

So my medications were suppose to arrive yesterday, but FedEx "messed up the delivery" and they just arrived on my door step now. I can finally let a big sigh and am focussing on a stress free few weeks. At least as stress free as I can manage. 

Menopur, Gonal-F,Crinone, Estradiol, Prednisone, Ganirelix, Ovidrel and a Zpack 

As you probably know we do have insurance coverage and have the authorization for IVF. We are incredibly blessed, but it doesn't mean that our IVF comes without costs that are not covered. I'm so grateful that we have coverage, because these medications with insurance coverage and coupons from Freedom Fertility Pharmacy still exceeded $1500. 

$1569.59 to be exact. 

We also have to pay cryopreservation and storage fees- $730.00. This covers six months of storage if we do have embryos to store- every six months of storage will cost $270.00. 

I know how lucky we are- but I figured it may be of some interest to see the costs that are out of pocket. 

Tonight I will start stimming- my starting doses are Menopur 150 iu and Gonal-F 225 iu along with my .25 of Dexamethasone daily 

So here we go :) Lets make a baby shall we <3

Dreaming.

I haven't been able to sleep well at all for about a week now. I'm going through a rampant of emotions ranging from excitement to fear. When I can manage to get to sleep I am having very vivid dreams-- mostly about close friends of mine announcing their pregnancies... which leaves me anxous, and happy, and sad.. and filled with hope still somehow.

My medications should arrive Thursday and I go Friday for my ultrasound to make sure I have no cysts and blood work. Till then I am going to keep on dreaming <3 xo