When your going through hell..

I heard a quote on Good Morning America this morning. 

Robin Roberts was talking about the Arthur Ashe Courage Award and saying how Arthur Ashe once told her, "You don't know how strong you are until you have to be stronger." 

Isn't that the truth. So much I have thought I wasn't going to make it through, but I have. I thought being cheated on by my long time boy friend was the end of the world, but I pulled through. I thought losing two childhood friends who were more like my brothers, my grandfather, both my grandmothers, and my uncle in a two year span was going to break me, but I made it through stronger. I thought having "friends" break my heart was all I could take, but I made it out with a better understanding and definition of friends. 

I guess the moral of  the story is before we go through the tough stuff and as were in the trenches battling the awful that life seems to continuously throw at us we don't really think we can handle it.. but we can. 

When we feel weak- we really are becoming stronger. 

These passed two weeks in the ALI community there has been way too much loss and tragedy. I know you women are going threw hell and feel helpless. I just hope that this holds true for you as well. Once you make it out I hope you are stronger for all the awful. I know pieces of you will never be the same- anytime you suffer a tragedy or loss of any kind you are a changed person, but I pray that on the other side of this awful is a strength you didn't know you had and a hole lot of beautiful in all of your roads ahead.

I have a few friends dealing with some awful of their own and my heart is breaking as I watch them struggle with the curve balls that life is throwing. I know that when they come out on the other side of this they will be stronger, they will be wiser, and they will be happier, even though right now they may feel that couldn't possibly hold true. 

I know for myself as I watch many of my friends around me become mothers and I let fear of not becoming one myself consume me that I have to just keep on moving forward. I will be stronger for this. I will be a better mother. I will appreciate more and complain less.

Its all leading to something. There has to be a bigger picture.

What ever brand of awful we are going through right now will eventually make us all stronger. Pieces of us may never be the same and our struggles may alter us and change us, but we will make it through. Something inside of us will be stronger. 

My heart goes out to you if your struggling right now. I wish there was something more I could do. I want to scoop every last one of you up in a hug and hold you tight. I want to tell you its going to be okay. That we are here for you and if you feel like you can't stand on your own two feet I want to tell you we will hold you. 

I want to be stronger too. 

And now to end on a song that could become an anthem for anyone who is battling any sort of awful...

If your going through hell...

Why Cory Monteith's Death Breaks My Heart..

I've been tossing around if I should actually put this blog post out there or not.

How it may be received and how I may be received for it.

I've decided that if I can help someone- anyone who is struggling- then I want to regardless of what anyone else may think of me.

So here goes nothing..

  

Cory Monteith- the singing football player named "Finn" on Fox's hit show Glee was found dead in in hotel room this weekend.

Monteith was very public with his battle with drug abuse. He had just completed another stint at rehab in April. Monteith started his battle with substance abuse at 13 years old. At the time his family intervened and he went to rehab for his addiction problems.

  

Monteith was able to complete rehab and battle back. He garnered fame becoming "Finn" on Glee and was very public and open with his struggles.

Not many people know about my own history with substance abuse. I dated someone with a substance abuse problem and I ended up sharing his problem. It became my problem and while I spent a lot of time blaming him and harboring hate for him it was my problem. It was a battle that I had to overcome.

  

I spent a lot of time fixing my life. I stopped talking to anyone that was part of my previous life. I got help and I grew up. While I didn't land a role on a hit TV show I was much like Cory Monteith. I made a better future for myself despite my past.

  

I am sure if people knew of my history they would think differently of me. I am proud of myself for over coming the obstacles that I have. I have never looked back and I have never battled with substance abuse again. But that’s not to say that something wouldn't or couldn't send me over the edge and I am always fully aware of that. I have to be.

  

Its a thought that you keep tucked away. Anyone who has ever dealt with any substance abuse issues of any kind is always aware that they are one mistake away from destroying your future. Its an internal battle of wanting your future more than wanting that one moment of reprieve from your present.

And in this journey with infertility so far there have definetly been moments where I want to hide from the present. It is a choice that I make to keep on moving forward and not to revert back to old bad behaivors. It is a choice I make because I want a better future for me- for my kids- for my family. 

These choices are something I am sure Cory Monteith battled with daily. Especially once he garnered fame. You run into the wrong person from your past and you figure what the heck.. and next thing you know your future is gone and your family and friends are left heart broken and questioning why.

  

I always keep my family, friends and future in my mind any time I think that my present is too much to handle. It is how I continue to stay clean. 9 years clean to be exact. Something that I deserve to be proud of. Something I am proud of.

  

Of course the autopsy results are not back yet and maybe there is something more to this that we don't know yet.

  

None the less all signs are pointing towards a probable overdose.

  

I'm so sick of seeing posts calling him a "typical junkie" and "troubled kid".

No one who is posting this actually knows him personally. No one understands the mind of an addict unless they have been one themselves.

Instead I wish I saw more about fixing this problem. Offering more counseling. Reaching out to young teens before the problem starts. Drug control. Anything so that another child.. another brother.. sister... friend.. mother.. doesn't have to die because of their addiction...because their present has become to much to handle.. because they are a "junkie".. because they are "troubled".

  

I want to see more posts about "The Cory Moneith Project."  In my mind it would be where anyone who is struggling can reach out. Can find help easily and can continue living towards a future that they too can be proud of.

  

I don't often discuss my history. I don't often feel comfortable bringing up my past for fear of judgment. In fact very very few people know my battles and I am just fine with that.

  

In fact there is only one reason why I am bringing it up here despite my fear of being too open and that is because I want to help. I want to do something to prevent this from happening again.

  

I really do feel like this should be a catalyst for change. Drug addiction is a real battle. Its something you live with for the rest of your life. It is always in the back of your mind.

  

Instead of judging him. Instead of calling him a junkie. Take a moment and talk to your kids. Talk to your family members. Talk to your friends and your coworkers. Remind them that they are worth something. Remind them that there are options out there for them.

  

Take a moment today and remind someone that you care about them.

  

Remind them that their future is worth something.

  

Remind them that it doesn't have to be this way.

  

So if you have stumbled here and you have an addiction problem and you are struggling please reach out to someone.

  

Anyone. Even if its me. I’m here if you need to talk. There are other options -keep your chin up and keep on keeping on... its a life long battle and your life is worth living even when you are struggling and don't think so for your self.

  

Lets take this sad story of another life gone to soon and make a difference instead of passing a judgment.

Snapshot Sunday!

Today Snapshot is of my biggest fan and my best friend. I love this picture of us. I couldn't help but to smile and laugh on what was the best day of my life. My husband is pretty amazing- especially since he just scrubbed my toilets :) 

Partnership, teamwork, and love <3

The Next Steps

In life when something doesn't work out we move forward with a new plan. A next step. 

This morning I met with my favorite APN at my RE's office for my Next Step Appointment. Our new plan appointment. I'm not going to call it a Why The Fail. I'm not going to focus on them anymore. Done. They are the passed. Here is the present and the future.. A new beginning.. a New outlook. 

 I'm not feeling well to being with -I think the start of a cold, I'm a bit stressed- and I am PMS'ing. 



So to say this appointment was emotional is an understatement. 

As I was waiting in the office I could hear the APN say to the nurses that she wanted to do the last ultrasound prior to bringing me back because she needed to spend some extended time with me. Which made me cry in the waiting room. 

Ugh. I don't even know why I was crying- I just was. 

It was okay though because the other couple in the waiting room handed me a box of tissues. The lady looked mortified that I was crying. I think it may have been their first appointment.  They seemed so hopeful and happy. I felt so defeated and sad and anxious. 

I didn't want to be the girl that the doctors need extended time with that's for sure... but seeing the other couple's hope reminded me I can't lose mine and that I was having this appointment to restore some of that.

After a little while they took me back and I had my blood pressure taken- which I was scared was going to be sky high given my anxiety- but it wasn't. I think that sweet couple helped bring it down some just by looking at them. Even if they weren't hopeful they had an air about them that filled me with hope. I would have thanked them, but they probably would have thought I was bat shit bananas. Then I had my weight done- In my full work uniform and anyone in EMS knows these uniforms have weight to them. Thankfully even in uniform I was only up 4lbs. I will take that as a win. Then I sat in the office reserved for consults for a bit- just staring at the pictures of ovaries and explanations of IVF and IUI scattered about the walls. 

When the APN finally came in I had stopped crying and was ready for whatever she was going to throw at me. We went over all of my previous cycles. All of my blood work and then began to discuss where to go from here, what needed to improve and what was working already.

Since the three cycles with Clomid did not work they have recommended to move on to Follicle Stimulating  Medications (FSH) and Human Menopausal Gonadotropins (hMG). 

Injectibles.

Purpose of this as outlined to me- 
- To increase the number of eggs for fertilization. 
- To improve ovulation in patients unresponsive to other therapies 
- To improve the over all chance of conceiving pregnancy. 


The medications I will probably start on is Follistim and Menopur. 

-However the billing department is going to see if Gonal-F or Bravelle are better covered by my insurance. That will determine which actual medication I try. Which I think is actually really nice of them to look into it for me. 

And can I take a moment to say thank you sweet Jesus for our insurance company. We are so lucky to be covered and have so much coverage at that. Without coverage this cycle could cost upwards of $2500. Its truly a shame that all insurance companies are not required to cover some of these costs. It breaks my heart that all of you are not given the same oppurtunity because your insurance doesn't cover anything or covers very very little. It makes me very thankful for our insurance company because without it we would not be able to afford treatment. 

I will take the medications for 8-10 cycle days and they are given under the skin. 

I will have blood tests and ultra sounds very frequently during my cycle while on these medications- they said I can expect to be in and out of the office about every other day. 

I feel like a puzzle if falling into place because I took much of August off so this won't be difficult for me. I won't have to juggle my work schedule and making appointments at least.

IUI will be done once a mature follicle is found. For this cycle the IUI will be done once a mature follicle reaches 18mm- and as long as I actually respond to the medications (which I have no reason to believe I wont.) -As long as I don't have too many follicles that would increase my odds for multiple gestation (anything over 3 is canceled by my MD, anything over 1 we can choose to wait for another cycle or go ahead). -as long as I don't show signs of ovarian hyper-stimulation.  -and as long as I don't become ill with any other sickness.

I should expect pelvic discomfort and bloating. 

My risks are- increased risk of multiple gestation pregnancy 30% for twins and <5% for triplets <1% for more than triplets. 
Ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome- 1% risk of severe symptoms, Enlarged ovaries, fluid accumulation in the abdomen that may need to be drained. Risk of blood clots and ovarian torsion -1% which can be decreased by decreasing my activity. 

Every time the APN hit a different bullet point and asked me if I understood I had to hold back tears. I think it was more of a realization that this is what it is going to take now for us to get pregnant at this point.

So cycle day 1 of my August cycle I will call in and go in for a baseline ultra sound and blood work. They will have the pharmacy contact me to set up delivery of my medications.  They will do a consultation with how to inject the new medications and I will be closely monitored throughout the cycle. 

Since I was already there and since I've been having a recurrent cyst issue they did an ultra sound and blood work. As zero surprise I have a cyst. As a bonus I have two cysts. Which is the root of the pain and the reason I had to buy bulk heating pads to stick on my abdomen and a bigger bottle of Motrin. 

PS CVS's large back heating pads- the bulk size- are on sale this week. They are the kind you peel the backing from and stick onto your skin. They stay warm up to 10 hrs - are discretely hidden under your clothing and fit perfectly onto your abdomen. 

On Cycle Day 13 of this cycle I will have acupuncture. I'm very excited to try it out and if nothing else am praying it helps with a bit of the stress and anxiety I am dealing with currently. I haven't decided if I am going to do OPK's this cycle or not. I have a ton of them so I wouldn't need to purchase them, but I think a cycle where I attempt to not focus too much on my fertility or lack there of would be good for the soul and the brain. 

I plan of working on my health a bit- returning to the gym. Sleeping more. Relaxing on the beach some and working less. 

All in all I am excited to try something new. I hope that this is what we need. I feel hopeful again where as the last few months I've lost some of that hope. 

It feels good to have that back again. It feels good to be less anxiety ridden and it feels good to at least have a plan.

It feels good to be moving forward. 

Kind of like today.

I recently read a post where someone free wrote for five minutes. The jist is to just write whatever you are thinking about for five minutes. You don't go back. You don't edit. You just write.

Like therapy.

Well- I need some therapy and so..

Today was a bizarre day where I saw someone who I haven't seen in a very long time. She used to make my heart hurt when I saw her because someone I was dating cheated on me with her. Seeing her would stir emotions of being unwanted and the emotional pain of being cheated on. In the years since I have last seen her I now realize that if it wasn't for that incident I may still be with the wrong person. That one event that I thought was quiet possibly the worst moment of my life... so bad that I didn't know if I would make it through- was a major defining moment in my future. I didn't know it at the time. At the time I was 19 and I swore that having no tomorrow would be better than living without the man I thought I was suppose to be with. Now I know that without that incident I would not be with Rob. Today when I saw this girl I actually was greatful for her. I was actually happy to see her. When she gave me a hug I can honestly say it was good to see her. Then I realized I was greatful for her. Without her I wouldn't have Rob. My Rob. Rob who is currently texting me and asking me if I am okay with hot dogs and beans for dinner. My Rob who will have a glass of wine waiting for me- chilled and in my favorite glass. My Rob who has been taking care of my garden and is getting excited over all the tomatoes we have. My Rob who still manages to give me butterflies when he looks at me with a smile that speaks more than words ever will. My Rob my perfect mate. My perfect puzzle peice.

If it wasn't for that god awful time in my life when I was 19 and I was crying so hard that I can still remember the feeling of having no air left in my lungs. Crying so hard that I scared my best friend into thinking I was going to hurt myself- so instead she sat on my bed, braided my hair and held me until I finally fell asleep. That god awful time where I thought life as I knew it was over... was really a begining.

A begining of a future that I know now. Seeing her and thinking about all this reminded me that even though I'm going through so much to get to my future. Even though I feel like I am in a fresh hell that I can't navigate out of and I can't outsmart. Even though my heart hurts so much.. and I've cried so hard that I've used all the air in my lungs. Even though my best friend has still spent time sitting by my side while I'm curled in ball as she listens to me be overcome with emotion... even though this is a god awful time in my life... it really is just a begining. Someday I will look back and be greatful. Someday I will feel differently about this journey.

Someday years from now when the sting of the pain is dull I will realize that this journey was for a reason and I will be a better person.. better wife.. better mother for it.

Kind of like today.

A Negative Beta and An Apology

Not as any surprise whatsoever my beta is officially negative. 

I will have an appointment at my doctors on Friday with the APN that I really like and we will go from there. Since I really didn't have my hopes up to high to begin with the let down is a little easier this go around. 

Still sucks. My heart still hurts and to hear the nurse say that is official still feels like a kick in the stomach.

Telling Rob that I'm not pregnant will never get easier. Each time it hurts a little more. Each time I feel like I am letting him down. Like I'm failing my womanly duties and not holding up my end of the bargain. 

He doesn't make me feel that way of course. He's nothing but supportive and holds me up when I feel like I can't stand on my own. 

Today I was fine. Until I wasn't.

Today I need Rob to just hold me up for a little bit.

Today I need to cry. 




You see when I first started to write here it really was just to vent out all my emotions and feelings and get some feed back from anyone who found themselves in a similar journey. To have some support and guidance.. and maybe along the way make a few friends. 

I never thought in my wildest dreams that people would actually read what I wrote. I never thought what I wrote could hurt someones feelings if they stumbled upon it. 

I haven't thought twice about just unleashing my feelings and emotions when I feel them. Today I realize that people are reading. I can hurt people with my feelings and some things are better off left unsaid, left unwritten and left un-thought.

I never in my life want to feel like I feel right now. I never want to use my words and feelings to hurt someone else. 

I have never intended to do that. Never set out to do that. And promise from this moment forward to think about all that I may affect before I write and spew forth my emotions.

So here is my public apology if I have hurt you or said something that may have been taken the wrong way. 

Please come to me. Please let me know so I can set it straight. Please understand I'm just coming from a place of vulnerability. A place of fear. 

Please know that I never meant anything by any of my words other than venting whats in my head and heart to a blank sheet of paper to help me sort through the emotions and feelings that are bubbling over.

I could not be happier for my pregnant friends. Truly and honestly. I love bellies and babies- that is why I want my own so very badly. So badly it hurts. I want nothing more than your babies to be happy and healthy and beautiful. I can not wait to hold them all in my arms and inhale that baby smell. 

I hope that if the Lord doesn't bless us with children of our very own that I can baby sit yours and hold them close to my heart as nieces and nephews. To be able to share the love I have pent up with your babies as if they really were related to me.

My sadness and jealousy that I can not be pregnant with you overwhelms me. That is the gods honest truth, but it doesn't take away how happy I am for you all. 

So if I have come across as angry or bitter- please know that is not my intent. I will attempt to do a better job of not being sad and bitter, but its just the emotions that come along with the struggle. They are never directed at you and if you have felt that way I truly hope you understand I never intended for that. Ever.

So here is my public apology. My heart is overwhelmed with so many emotions- but most of all I am sorry if I hurt you with my words.. I hope to never do so again.

I think we're out- but its gonna be okay.

Well we made it threw another 2 week wait- today marks 14 days post IUI and I think its safe to say we are out. 

I'm on Progesterone so my period probably won't come until I stop the Endometrin. I will have a beta tomorrow to be absolutely positive- but in my heart I already am positive we are out. 

I could write an incredibly depressing post about how frustrated I am- but instead I want to focus on some happy news. I can't continue to dwell on my failed cycles and fall down into a depression spiral - well I could since it still stings that IUI #2 that I felt so good about failed but- it won't do anyone any good and no one who is here reading this needs any more depressing posts then they are already getting. 

Instead I want to shout some happiness from the rooftops. My friends over at "Who Shot My Stork" got a positive pregnancy test! If you follow them or read my blog a week or so ago you will remember that they just had an IVF cycle- the last cycle granted to them by their insurance company and that was after a battle with the insurance company to even grant them that. 

And so as Risa and I were about on the same cycle day I directed my prayers towards her cycle. We still have insurance to cover us. We still have options and ways to turn. In my heart I know they needed this positive. Risa had 10 eggs retrieved and only 1 embryo survived and was transferred. I truly am over the moon for them that this 1 embryo stuck around. 

They deserve this and I refuse to feel sad or cranky or bitter because they go their positive. Instead I want to suck up the positivity of their cycle and use it to propel me forward into what is next for us. 

Maybe God heard my prayers for them and knew that this was their turn and maybe our turn is coming up soon. I wished that our prayers would be answered simultaneously- but since they weren't I could not be happier for Risa and Chris. 

I will continue to say a prayer for you both as you continue on this journey. I can't express how happy I truly am for you both. 

I have no idea what is in store for us next. Probably a break cycle- Im pretty sure I have another cyst as I am in a lot of pain again. I think I'm going to try acupuncture this cycle. There is a very well recommended place nearby and I have heard a lot of good things.

Have you ever had acupuncture? What did you think? What should I ask or so or expect? 

We're going to be just fine. Its going to be okay. 

I also think I am going to try to go gluten free for a while and see how I feel. I have some gastro intestinal issues and I have often wondered if I have some underlying food allergies of some kind. After reading some success stories of women going gluten free and getting their BFP's I can't help but want to try. I also think it will help me refocus and gain some control over my diet. 

Have you gone gluten free? Did it help? Any recommendations on foods and alternatives? 

Well thats where I stand today- a beta tomorrow and a meeting with my RE for a new plan... I check in soon with the official beta and what Dr S has to say. I have a few things to discuss with them, but if my journey sounds like yours and you have anything you think I should bring up please feel free to share. 

I hope your Monday's are a bit brighter than mine here.