Snap Shot Sunday~ Think Happy Thoughts

I was searching around on my friend Pinterest and found this. Sometimes when we aren't exactly in our happy places we need to just think happy thoughts and force ourselves there..

So that's what I am doing.. thinking happy thoughts :)

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

On Wednesday afternoon I started to spot…just like I knew I was going too. I contacted my RN triage line and told them I was spotting. They STILL wanted me to come in for a Beta on Thursday, since it wasn’t yet "full flow." I refused and told her I really did not require another blood test to prove that I wasn’t pregnant. IUI 5 was officially a bust and I wasn’t going to have someone call and reiterate that to me again. I got it… it was crystal clear..

By Thursday it was full flow and I contacted the RN triage line yet again. This time I spoke to my favorite nurse –who I think is part angel and also was on the verge of tears while we were talking. She was so sweet and knew that Saturday’s are more difficult for me to come in on due to my schedule, so she arranged for my appointment for my Day 3 ultrasound and blood work to be today instead.

As soon as I walked in my favorite angel RN saw me and asked me to come into the private meeting room with her. I promptly burst into tears. I don’t know why really- I mean I am sad, but this is nothing new and not my first go round on the merry-go-round of failed cycles. I think it was her genuine concern for me and she told me when she was writing progress notes yesterday she screamed out in frustration for me. She hugged me while I sobbed- it shows true concern and care when you let someone snot up your shoulder and its not even 8am yet. I love her. I’m so thankful for her. If your reading this somehow Mary- you really are a saint.

I went for my blood work and the phlebotomist hugged me too. She said she was angry for me and angry with me. It felt good to acknowledge that I am angry. Mad at no one particular- but everyone and the universe all at once.

Mad at the baby bump that stood in front of me while I waited for coffee. Mad that I didn’t have a baby bump to gently caress. Mad at the rain and the wind that poured down. Mad at work. Mad at life. Just plain mad. I’m a mad girl today and I am frustrated and guess what- its okay for me to feel like that sometimes.

Then I went in for my ultra sound and Dr. S walked in. I was prepared for his typical "it’s going to work" speech. Instead I saw a different side of him. He was mad too and upset for me and also determined. He told me its okay to feel however I need to feel right now- but then I need to find some positivity and find some happy. My RN basically said the same thing. She told me to stay hopeful, stay positive, because being mad and sad and angry are all okay for now- but then I need to go to my happy place and find my positivity.

Last night I was driving home from work- it was pouring. The kind of rain where no matter how fast the windshield wipers go you still can’t see through the rain. The fog was rising off the street and it was dark and the air was brisk. It was eerie and windy and tree limbs were down everywhere. And I realized that the picture before me is exactly how I felt inside too. Stormy and mad and angry and I want to break things and knock down tree limbs- but then the sun is going to rise again… it hasn’t risen here in South Jersey yet- were in the middle of a 5 day nor’easter and I’m hopeful my stormy mood lifts before the actual storms that are hitting us here end.

I prayed and I cried on my way home. I prayed for my husband to find his hope and his happy again. He’s so down in the dumps and defeated. He needs something to come through- something to go our way for a change. I prayed for our leaky ceiling- that we find the source of the leak and that it stops raining in my bathroom (any leak experts reading?? Lol). I prayed for all of my friends here that are struggling- those with embryos that need a boost, those who have just gone through losses, those struggling with their losses, those whose cycles ended, those whose cycles never began… all those waiting and waiting and waiting.. . I prayed for all of you. I know that you all often pull and pray for me too. I prayed that this cycle brings us closer to being parents and I cried – ugly cried- that we deserve to be parents -that our parents do deserve to be grandparents. Damint universe let us all show you!! Then I prayed for my in law’s health and my parent’s health- that they can all stay well enough to be grandparents. That they can weather this storm however long its going to take. I prayed for strength and wisdom and I prayed for comfort.

Then I ugly cried the rest of the way home- wiping tears away as they slid down my cheeks mimicking my windshield wipers as they tirelessly cleared my windshield for me. It wasn’t pretty- my eyes still feel puffy and raw.. But it was effective. I put it all out there. I feel raw (and puffy lol).. I feel open and refreshed.. I feel renewed..

I felt a bit better this morning other than the ugly crying in the doctors office, but that was brought on by half being happy that so many people care for me and half being angry and sad still. I haven’t found my happy just yet. I know it’s out there though.

Today’s ultra sound reveals- my lining is 7mm, my left ovary has 8 follicles under 10mm and my right ovary has 10 under 10mm. The biggest releif is that I am cyst free!

My period really hasn’t been as awful as I anticipated (this isn’t a challenge mother nature!). I really thought it was going to be much worse so I am thankful for that.

I will start Menopur at 225 IU tonight with my Dexamethasone .25 daily. As I already knew this will be my last Menopur cycle before a break and consult for other options…opinions.. and maybe other doctors. My husband and I have agreed to go to the consult with this practice and see what their next steps are because it is close, in network, and we do have a bond with some of the people there. After that consult (if we come to that) we will then decide together what our next steps will be..

I am not going to think about any of that right now because I’m practicing internally chanting –"6^th times the charm!!!!6th time is the FREAKING CHARM!!!!" – Over and over and over until I really believe it- until ever fiber of my being believes it, because really there is nothing wrong with believing it..

The worst that happens is the 6^th times not the really the charm and there is something else out there that will be the charm – something else that is meant to be—someone else’s path that we have yet to have crossed… until the 6^th time ISNT the charm then in my mind it IS. It will be… I will lose my voice chanting it and I will repeat it until I do believe it..

I return on Monday to check on things. I also have my annual well appointment with my ob/gyn on Monday.

Yay- Happy Columbus Day! Two doctor’s appointments in a row where I get to take off my pantalones.

Boom.

Okay off to find my happy. How do you find your happy when its gloomy outside and you feel uber gloomy inside too?

Anyone got a corny joke to share?

I really truly hope that wherever you are or whatever you are going through you have found your happy too and that the sun is shining in your neck of the woods.

The 2 Week Wait Is Over

Today marks 14 days post IUI... aka the 2 week wait is up.

I've had negative HPT's the last few days, so it wasn't exactly a surprise that it was negative again today. I called my RN triage line at my clinic and unlike last cycle where they just requested I just stop the progesterone and call them on cycle day 1, this cycle they still want me to come in for a Beta. 

Which I think is crap. Why so you can call me while I am at work tomorrow and tell me I am not pregnant? 

She told me HPT's aren't always reliable. I call bs personally. I've been super crampy and Im pretty sure the second I stop the progesterone that 14mm lining is going to expel itself from my body. 

Its not going to be pretty. 

For real. 

I don't know what to do. I know that my clinic is only going to do 1 more IUI prior to recommending IVF, but we still don't have any understanding of why these IUI's haven't worked so far. 

I want more testing. I want some kind of answer. I really feel like these IUIs have become just a shot in the dark. Perfect lining, mature eggs, and a wonderful sperm count and still nothing. Something just isn't happening the way it should. 

Something is still wrong.

I feel like if I do go the IVF route I want to go to a larger medical center where I know they have had a lot of success. I do have an appointment for a meeting with that Center in November. There are issues involving this other clinic- such as its location... 

I think my plan for this moment (which is totally subject to change) is to have IUI 6 at my closer, more convenient clinic. I'm pretty sure they plan on doing another Menopur cycle, and I have a lot of Menopur left from my last cycle. I will pray that IUI 6 is the magic one and that no further choices need to be made- 

However if they do I think I may take November and December completely off of all things fertility. Detox my body, not take a single HPT, OPK, or BBT.  Focus only my acupuncture and TCM and then meet with the new doctor in January instead. Focus on my mental and physical health. Exercise. 

Its no secret that these treatments do a number on our bodies and our minds. I feel exhausted and defeated. I feel bloated and puffy. 

I feel sad. 

I may have posted this picture before- I can't remember- but its my motto to get through all of this- 

On top of all of the infertility issues I've been dealing with an issue with my neck. For about six weeks I have been in spasm and experiencing pain, weakness, stiffness, numbness and tingling. Its been a real joy. 

Yesterday I finally visited a specialist for cervical (neck) pain. I had a ton of x-rays (which included a very strange discussion about getting x-rays at 13 days post IUI and then explaining what an IUI is to a X-ray tech...ultimately I knew I was not pregnant that morning and I knew the chances of my actually being pregnant were so small and I knew I had to get these x-rays done in order to get treatment so I had them done.) I then had two cortisone shots into my neck and shoulder- which hurt like crazy. I start physical therapy today. 

I am praying for some relief in the pain. 

Which brings me to my next issue- insurance. Apparently PT is not covered and I will have to pay a 500$ deductible for treatment. That's right folks, my insurance will cover IVF and IUI BUT you injure your neck and PT is out. Its insane to me.. 

So today I go to PT to see what kinda cash were talking about. DH is still not working full time, we are getting by and not struggling, but we don't need anything else on top of it. 

Included in my insurance whoas- remember Pam from Horizon who said all my insurance issues would be fixed? 

Well thats a bunch of hooey. I have a pile of EOBs here that say otherwise. So on top of trying to sort out PT I need to continue to battle for my fertility treatment too. 

Hence why I think it may be the best to just wait until the new year to start with a new doctor. This new doctor comes very well recommended  however its about an hour further away and thats going to be a scheduling nightmare that I am going to have to work out and okay with both my coworkers and my boss. 

So all in all I am not pregnant today. -BOO

IUI 5 would seem to be a bust, but they are making me get a Beta anyway- BOO

I have cervical myofascial pain, but cant get PT covered by my insurance company- BOO

My insurance company is on my very last nerve- BOO

I have big, major choices to make ahead- BOO

I'm not going to let is all get to me though. I just have to try to stay positive- especially since DH is not the epitome of happy-go-lucky right now. I have to do my best to keep up beat, because depression and sadness really won't make anything any better. I will not accept defeat- not yet. 

Woo-sah. Just keep swimming. Chin up buttercup.. and all those other cliche sayings... 

A Sunshine Award to Start the Week

Melissa from "Ask An Infertile" nominated me for a Sunshine Award. The Sunshine award is given to writers who brighten other’s people’s days. That is certainly a goal of mine- to stay up beat and positive and help others stay upbeat and positive- at least as much as possible. I think we all have bad days- in fact I was going to hold off blogging about the Sunshine Award and instead tell you all some craptastic things that happened yesterday- instead I wanted to start the week off on a happy-go-lucky foot.

If you haven’t visited "Ask An Infertile" yet you really should stop on by. Here is a little excerpt explaining what the blog is all about-

--" Ask An Infertile is a blog that was created in August of 2013. Our goal is to answer questions and offer support on the subjects of trying to conceive, infertility, and pregnancy loss. We will have guest posts featuring other members of the blogging community, allowing them to share their stories and what they have learned through their journeys. We will have posts answering questions asked by readers. We will offer resources, links, and information on as many subjects." (read more here)

　

The rules are:

•Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post

•Link to the blogger who nominated you

•Answer 10 questions about yourself

•Nominate 10 other bloggers to receive the award

•Link to your nominees and let them know you nominated them

Melissa’s 10 Questions-

 

1) Where did you come up with the name of your blog (this intrigues me)?

I really don’t have a wonderful answer for this. I decided I was frustrated one day and I wanted a place to write down what I was feeling. After lurking around for quite some time I just started my own place. Stupid Broken Eggs was something I had said to my hubby after our first failed IUI after my doctor told me my Eggs were not cooperating.
　
2) You have the chance to be told 5 significant events that will occur in your lifetime (what will happen and when). Do you want to know and why?


Nope as much as I would like to know this fertility thing really is going to work out in the end. I think those significant events hold their place in our mind because we don’t know they are about to happen. The surprise of it is half the fun.


3) If you could do any job, regardless of money or talent, what would it be?


I would love to be a chef and the Mr and I could have our own restaurant. We would grow some of our own veggies and fruits and what we didn’t grow ourselves we would get locally. We would entertain daily. I would love that.


4) What was your favorite Halloween costume when you were young?


I always hated Halloween. It was never entertaining for me to get dressed up. That being said I was Cinderella once in our towns Halloween parade. They did my make up and my hair and I road on a float. All the little girls wanted to get pictures with me. It was pretty cool.
　
5) Has infertility changed you?
　
I would love to answer no.. But it has. I am more guarded of my feelings. I am more emotional and I know part of that is hormonal fluctuations, but its more than that. I’m more aware of being grateful for the good that I have in my life, because there really is no guarantee of a future. As a little girl you dream of being a Mommy. You grow up, marry your prince, and ride off into the sunset with babies bouncing everywhere. At least that was always my dream, and while I have found my prince charming- the bouncing babies and the sunsets with horse drawn carriages are missing. Its impossible to over look that and not let that change you.


6) What is your favorite thing about yourself?


My ability to listen to others. I know that people aren’t always looking for advice, but more so an ear to just listen to them and a shoulder to hold them while they cry.
　
7) You can eat one thing every day for the next month. What is it?
　
Coffee. Large vats of coffee without worrying that I drank over my allotted 8oz a day.
　
8) If you had a superpower, what would it be?
　
To provide a sense of peace and comfort to others with just a thought.


9) Would you rather live one 1000 year life or ten 100 year lives?
　
Ten 100 year lives. I think 1000 years would be exhausting, at least 10 different lives there would be change. 
　
10) What is your best piece of advice?

Keep smiling and laughing. No matter what you are going through try to find the funny. Try to find a reason to smile and laugh. It makes the hard days a touch easier when you can find a reason to just smile.

　

My 10 Nominee’s-

I choose 10 Blogs whose Author's have left me comments that brought a smile to my face. I also choose some people that I would like to get to know a bit more about :)

Our Journey to a Baby Bump

The Second Bedroom

Invincible Spring

Just Want a Baby Albert or Alberta

Penguins of Mine

Sillymama

Ready Now to See if YOUR Way 
Work is for Suckers  

Infertilityland Is Not Like Disneyland

Wistgulgirl's World

　

　

My 10 Questions-

　

1)You could choose any 1 person to spend a day with – dead or alive- who do you chose? What do you do?

2)What is your most cherished memory?

3)If you win the mega millions do you still work as well?

4)Are you where you thought you would be 5 years ago?

5)If you had a chance to redo one thing in your life without it effecting how anything else in your life turned out- would you?

6)Do you enjoy cooking for others more or having someone cook for you?

7) Do you have a go to travel spot? Some place that you have or wished to visit more than once?

8) If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

9)If you could redo school would you? Would you study something different or just study more?

10)What or who makes you smile the most?

Snap Shot Sunday~ Final Harvest's From the Garden

Today marks one of the last harvests from our garden. I have a few more cherry tomatoes that will ripen and an entire hot pepper plant that is ripe and ready for pepper jelly, but other than that our crops are pretty much finished for the season. I already am thinking of things to add to our garden next years :)   

I love all the colors! 

Perfect Moment Monday~ On Thursday..

I know I know.. Its Thursday.

　

It’s been a rough week though so I wasn't really in a "Perfect Moment" mood. You have to be in the right mindset to think of something as perfect.

　

Yesterday our dear friend and coworker was laid to rest. It was not an easy day- I worked at the dispatch center and we coordinated coverage from sistering companies to our coverage area so our coworkers could attend the services.

It was an emotionally and physically draining day to say the very least about it.

So its surprising to me that I am choosing a picture I took yesterday and saying it was a perfect moment. Sometimes moments of perfect are born out of moments of imperfection.

At least that’s how I feel.

When I finally crawled into bed last night my mini doxie crawled in right behind me..

　

　

　

　

　

And then he just kind of plopped right there. No second thoughts- no thought what so ever.. just plop.. here is good!

　

His name is Swish. He weighs about 9lbs. He is adorable.

Yesterday he provided me so much comfort. Just a moment to cuddle with him while he just laid right there.

　

After such a long day I found the perfect moment. Just he and I and it was so needed.

　

I did have an okay day otherwise yesterday- I went to the RE for 7DPIUI blood work and ultra sound. I saw my favorite APN Tracy. Blood work must have been good because they didn't call with the results or to ask me to up my Endometrin or to stop it. I normally call them for results and then when I find out my progesterone is good I get all in a tizzy about how exciting things are looking. I didn't do that this time since I already had so much going on I didn't ask for a follow up call unless it was necessary and I restrained myself from calling them.

　

My ultra sound was good. My ovaries are slightly enlarged and there is some fluid in my left ovary. She said it was okay and normal after ovulation. She was really excited she even hugged me afterwards and then my nurse Mary came over and hugged me too.

They were really hopeful and I left the appointment full of hope and completely relaxed. I’m in a good place no matter the outcome.

I have a good feeling though. I just want to stay in this happy bubble on contentness (apparently this isn’t a work according to my spell check.. it is today people)… forever. While I want the excitement of a positive outcome I would much prefer this content happy feeling over the sadness a possible negative could bring forth. .

For now we just wait. I have a beautiful three day weekend to look forward to after I leave work today. Tomorrow we are blessed to watch some friends get married. This weekend I plan on just relaxing and enjoying some free time with my husband.

　

What was your perfect moment this week? Is yours also spurred from a moment of imperfection?

Its okay to not be okay...

If you follow me you know that we recently lost a friend and a coworker.

The saying that everyone has been tossing around as us all is: "Its okay to not be okay." 

What does that even mean though? 

"Its okay to not be okay."

Is it really okay to say your not okay? 

Its okay to not be okay.. 

Weird- the world is shouting at me that I need to be okay all the time. That I need to be strong and that its wrong to cry and that my head needs to be up and forwards.. and .. and .. and.. 

That would mean its okay for me to say I am sad. Its okay for me to say that losing a friend and a coworker is heart breaking...and my heart is broken. That would mean its okay for me to say that every time the tones drop at work that I get a shiver down to my core that I could possibly be confronted with working on some one I know- a friend- a coworker. Its always worse when you have a personal connection to someone..

And while we say all these things and all these feelings are okay and normal to have, what exactly happens when we admit it? What happens when I am the only one that admits it? 

No one wants to be the only one. 

Much like trying to conceive. You reach a certain age and everyone is getting married and trying to have babies. Pretty soon most of your friends become mothers, but some are still struggling with you, and then next thing you know your the only one left in the trenches and you feel alone. Excluded from a special exclusive club, one that you don't have the qualifications to be admitted to. Its not your friends fault- its not your fault either- it just is.

No one wants to be the only one left. No one wants to be the person to admit that they really aren't okay. Everyone is always taught to be strong and faithful and don't show their fears. Somehow its wrong to admit when things aren't okay, but then everyone is telling me its okay to not be okay? 

Can you see the source of all the confusion.... 

I will admit it- on many levels I am not okay. I'm struggling with the loss of a friend and a coworker. I'm struggling with the fact that tomorrow really isn't guaranteed. That anyone can be taken from you in just a blink of the eye. 

I'm scared that I am going to be the only one of my friends to not be a Mom. That I'm never going to be admitted to the exclusive club.

I'm mad that good people die and that bad things happen and that women who would make wonderful Mommy's don't get to have that right while women who hurt their babies and are awful do.. 

Such an unjust world..

I'm dealing with a sense of loss. Loss of a friend and coworker. Loss of having control over my future. Loss of feeling alone and excluded..

I'm scared that I can't guarantee tomorrow.  I can't say for sure that I am going to wake up tomorrow morning- no one can. But, what if I never wake up and get to be a Mom. 

So many what ifs. And apparently its okay to have these thoughts. Or so I'm being told so lately.. They are morbid and awful and the loss of a friend makes them cross your mind. But what happens when you speak them out loud?

Is it really okay to say out loud I'm not okay? Its not all roses and sunshine over here. I do my very best to stay up beat, hopeful, and keep a sense of humor- but what happens when you can't find that?. What happens when your just not okay? 

According to everyone around me its okay to not be okay.  

So here I am folks- shouting that I'm not okay. 

I think its difficult to remain hopeful all the time and that is partly because Facebookville shouts of all things positive. Its filled with pregnancy announcements, pictures of sunrises, bouncing bundles of new born baby joy, people enjoying glorious vacations in the sunshine, people checking into all the places they are shopping for the day, and shouting that everyone is living this happy-go-lucky stress free life.

Its not a true depiction of everyone's lives though. People don't post when they are struggling because they are afraid to admit that they are not okay. Its especially difficult to post our downfalls when everyone else out there is posting all the butterflies and roses. 

People don't post when their struggling to pay the bills, because it would be admitting that things aren't are unicorn kisses. People are always posting their positive pregnancy tests, but when is the last time you saw a big ol' negative posted for the world to see? No one wants to see the negativity- but its there. Everyone is dealing with it. 

Everyone is not okay. 

Everyone is struggling with something. 

Its just no one wants to be alone. No body wants to admit it. No one wants to be the sole person to say- I'm not okay. No one wants to say that their in the trenches, but maybe if more people admitted they were struggling- then we wouldn't feel as thought we are in the trenches all alone. 

Maybe if we posted more about the bad stuff that we are dealing with - the real life battles we are all facing- then others wouldn't be so afraid to say- "Im not okay.." 

I'm not saying you need to get on your Facebook feeds and be Negative Nancy 24/7- I'm just saying people need to be more real. If your gonna post the good, happy and smiley moments don't forget to include the struggles.

Let people know that while you have the happy you had to overcome the bad.. 

I honestly think its the struggles that really do define us- overcoming the bad, moving forward after the loss of a friend, not being fertile myrtle.. its overcoming that stuff that makes us who we are. The scars and the old wounds they are what makes us who we are in the future. So why not say, "Today I'm not okay.." 

Why not let someone else know they aren't alone in what they are feeling? 

For what its worth- I'm not okay.. at least not today..and I know I'm not alone.

So if your not okay today- your not alone and it is okay..