When Facebook Strikes.

So Facebook got me again today.

But Im gonna battle back...

So its not that I don't agree with the following picture. Its not that at all. In fact I am sure I would agree if given the chance. So, no.. its not that.

Its the tone of the picture that bothers me. Its taunting me.

I would like to make a new one- and yes I know it doesn't rhyme... and somewhat rambling.. but I gotta fight back incase any of you were confronted with this picture today too..

Until you've prayed for little fingers till tears ran down your cheeks. And until you wished for little toes to count over and over and over again. Until you hoped for little hands of your own to wrap your fingers around. Until you attended more doctors appointments than you can remember, stuck yourself with more needles than you can count, taken medications that alter all of your moods,  or cried yourself to sleep in a bedroom that was supposed to be a nursery years ago then you will never understand what battling with infertility does to you. You will never understand wanting to kiss a little nose or rub a little tummy. You will never understand actually WANTING morning sickness or praying for round ligament pain. You will never know what its like to have a love so strong for someone who doesn't even exist yet... who may never exist and yet you still push forward. You keep trying you keep prying open old wounds because of the hope that someday you will have that take home baby.

Im sharing this because infertility is a struggle every single day. Even long after your battle is done it will leave scars that will never heal. You will always have the wounds that infertility lends to you.

There is good that comes from it though. Whether your treatments lead to a beautiful take home baby, or you discover the wonderful world of adoption or make a choice to live child free. No matter where this battle takes you - you will cultivate friendships with a very unique group of women.

These women are stronger and braver than any other women you will come to know. They will love you when Clomid is making you a crazy person, they will comfort you when you get another BFN (and they will know what BFN and all the other lingo means without any explanation) and they will cheer along for good results and happiness...holding you up and holding out hope when you don't feel like you have strength to hold yourself up or hold out hope any longer. They will become another family and without this struggle you would have never met them. And without this other family you wouldn't feel complete. You need them and they need you.

Thats what my picture would say if I were to post it on Facebook. Maybe I can't count toes just yet. And maybe I don't know about the bond between a parent and child- but I know other things. Like the fierce love of the infertility community. I can be greatful for that.

I can celebrate that.

Don't Panic

I'm just going to apologize right now. 

This post is going to be all over the place. I'm trying to work through my emotions and put myself in a better place.. 

You see I'm in a mood. 

I'm very sad today and I feel broken- both broken hearted and broken in the terms of my spirits and to boot the weather isn't helping. 

Its dreary and rainy and gray and blah. 

And thats exactly how I feel -blah. 

What put me here.. 

On Friday I went to the RE and had a follicle scan. I had no follicle growth- none.. no body budged... so I was sent on my way to continue with 150 IU of Menopur and my Dex and come back on Monday and hopefully there would be some growth then. 

My follicles are stubborn anyway so I was still very hopeful that they were just being slow to respond. 

I returned this morning. No growth. Nothing... Nada. 

There are 3 follicles over 8mm but no one has gone over 10mm. No body is taking the lead.

What does this mean? 

Well nothing. Lots of nothing. 

If no follicle reaches maturity then they will cancel the IUI. Basically Im not in a position to ovulate this cycle. 

I have to wait for my blood work analysis results to be returned to the RE office. Once that happens there are a few options in moving forward-- 

I may be advised to up my Menopur to 225 IU or told to keep moving forward with Menopur 150 IU, or told to stop it all together and IUI take 5 will be placed on hold "until I have a better response." 

I have not given up hope. I hope that when I go back on Wednesday my follicles will have gotten with the program and someone will step up to the plate and show some initiative. 

Im just sad. Sad that this cycle seems to be slipping through my fingers.. 

I called Rob after my appointment and told him that there was no growth again and it didn't look so promising. He told me to just stay positive. 

I told him I was trying- because truly I am. But I am also bracing. 

Bracing for this entire cycle to be canceled. Bracing for more bad news. 

Bracing for more negatives. 

He then told me it wasn't the news he was hoping to hear either. 

Im just trying to be careful with how much hope I let fill my heart. If I let it over inflate and I get let down then the fall to earth will be that much harder. 

Landing abruptly with the wind knocked out of me. 

I have to brace for hard impacts on this journey. Lord knows there have been enough of them. 

Along with a craptastic RE appointment with lots of nothingness I went to the Acupuncturist today. 

Today I felt rushed. Like he didn't have the extra time for him. I felt like he didn't understand what it means when your follicles aren't growing. I felt like I was teaching him. I felt like he was clueless and cranky and I have enough of that in my life. 

I also felt like he forgot about the herbs and chinese medicines he wanted me to try. 

Maybe he was having an off day, because normally I love my acupuncturist and I leave there very zen like. 

Not today. I didn't even make another appointment for the next week.  I told them I would call them back to make another appointment. 

I enjoy the hour I normally spend relaxing and I normally value everything my acupuncturist says so I don't know how much of today was me just being a mood myself and perceiving things badly because I feel badly to start with. 

I don't know. I feel broken and battered. I feel bruised. My mood is palpable.

I feel like I am letting my husband down each cycle- and while I know its not like that I can't help but let those feelings wash over me. Almost drown me in sorrow. 

I wish I had control. I wish I could reach into my ovaries and point a finger at those follicles and tell them they need to grow. Pay attention. Get with the program. Pull it together. 

Then again another part of me knows if they aren't growing there is a reason. 

I don't understand it one little bit.. but there is a reason. 

We are all entitled to bad or off days. I normally try to be a pillar of positivity, but today I just want to fall to my knees and scream why and let the tears fall down my cheeks. 

I want a friend to turn to. Someone to hold me in their arms and tell me its okay. Its okay to be sad. Its okay to feel bad. Someone in real life to understand. But, I feel like the majority of my friends have stopped asking how things are going. I can't blame them- it always is more of the same- no good news- nothing changes. I understand they don't know what to say to make it better. Because guess what- no matter what you say- it won't make it better, but sometimes its just nice to have someone there for you. A friend that you know is holding onto hope for you when you have let it fizzle out. 

I know I have all of you and a very select few in real life that are holding me in their hearts. I know Rob is holding onto hope for me this cycle since I've started to let it go. 

Ugh. I just can't help but feel sad. 

What lessons are you trying to teach me today God? 

What am I suppose to be taking away from all of this? 

How am I suppose to keep my positivity when all I feel is negative crushing me from so many angels? 

Errggh. I just don't know. 

I hate this limbo feeling. I just want to know what is happening with this cycle. I want the RE to just point me in a direction so I can either let myself fall completely to earth or if I can inflate myself with some more hope. 

I googled "Bible verses for strength"- 

Isaiah 41:10 came up...

"Don't Panic." - Your right. It is in Your control. Deep breaths in and out. 

"I'm with You"- I know. I am calling out to You. I am questioning You. I need to let You have control. Let You continue forward with Your way. 

"There is No need to fear, for I am Your God" - More deep breaths. I need to trust in this. You will lead me through all. 

"Ill give you your strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady. Keep a firm grip on you." - I know it. I feel it. I need to trust it. 

So as I work through my emotions I'm praying for some strength for whatever they say today. Whether this cycle is canceled all together or if we still continue to move forward- the fears and tears that I have right now will not make a difference. 

Its all in Your hands and I need to relinquish that control that I am still trying to hold. 

Its so much easier said than done. To keep faith and hope. To stay strong and fearless. But there really is no other way to battle infertility... just have to stand back up after we fall down. Keep moving forward and keep living despite the fears..  

Chins up, shoulders back, and hope alive. 

Snapshot- Sunday- Gram's Morning Glory's

For my birthday this passed year my Mom gave me some of my Gram's morning glory's that she had transplanted to a hanging plant for me so that a piece of Gram would be with me always. 

Id say they are doing great and she is definitely with me.. 

And the Greatest is Love

I remember September 11, 2001 like it was just yesterday. I was in high school, a Sophomore, sitting in Algebra 2. Someone walked into my classroom and told my teacher to put the television on, that something awful was happening.

What we saw will forever be engraved in my mind. I can not forget as the TV flickered to life-  watching the second plane crash into Tower 2. 

At first there was confusion. Then panic. Then realization of what was occurring.

In 2001 I was a brand new first responder. I was associated with our towns volunteer ambulance service and I knew in those moments that people from our area were going to be heading up to do what they could to help.

I knew in those moments that lives were lost. I knew in those moments that life would never be the same. The fear that was induced on September 11th 2001 would never just go away. We would never and could never go back to September 10th 2001. 

Life was forever different.

I remember my teacher saying she was going to say a prayer and that we could pray too if we wanted too. I remember crying and bowing my head in silent prayer. In a public high school that is something that forever sticks with you. 

 I also remember the principal asking teachers to turn the televisions off, that they did not want us watching what was happening. But, my study hall teacher Mr P. refused to turn it off. I remember him saying we are living a moment in history and its beyond  important for us to watch and know what was going on. 

I remember the faces of my classmates. The faces of the staff. The faces of my parents that day when I got home. No one knew what to say. At the same time no one had to say anything.

I remember September 12th better though. It was quiet. Eerie quiet. There was a melancholy feeling amongst everyone. Some people cried. Other prayed. There were so many flags hanging in our small town. People held doors longer. People smiled at one another. People were in shock.

It is so hard to believe that it is 12 years later.

At the same time it really is 12 years later. 

As a dispatcher there is one radio transmission that brings me to tears every year when its replayed or re posted. 

08:49 hrs 9/11/01
Squad 1-8 to Manhattan, K.
Squad 1-8 K.
....looked like it was intentional. Inform all units coming in from the back it could be a terror attack.
Ten-four. All units be advised. 

There are many other transmission that stick with me.. but this one is forever in my memory. The dispatchers voice. Her tone. Her calm. Her bravery. I commend her. My heart goes out to her. 

I can not imagine.  

My hearts and prayers goes out to every single person affected - which truly is all of us. All of our lives were changed. 

However, there is a special place in my heart for the dispatchers. The way they remained calm. The way they relayed transmissions. The horror they had to be feeling and the fear.. well being as this is my career I just can't imagine. I pray that I never have to deal with anything on the scale in which they did- and if I ever have to I pray that I can handle it with the calmness and grace in which they did.

To dispatchers the guys and girls that are on the calls are our responsibility. My job every day is to get each and every one of my girls and guys and patients home safely. We want everyone to return home to their families and loved ones, and sadly on September 11th, 2001 that did not happen. The dispatchers could not have imagined it would have turned out that way.. and the first responders that were sent into the towers did so willingly. It was their job to try to- and they succeeded in- saving many lives. At the same time so many lost their own lives. So many were forever effected.There is no doubt in my mind that it sticks with the dispatchers every single day of their lives.

So while I pray for all the first responders, the fireman, police officers, emergency medical technicians, paramedics, nurses, civilians, search and rescue... and all of us forever affected by these awful acts I have to hold a special prayer for my brothers and sisters in dispatch.

I will forever hold you all in my heart. 

Hold your loved ones a little tighter today. Instead of thinking of the awful that occurred that day and the evil behind it I prefer to think of the good. All the people that ran into the buildings and all the people in the days, weeks, and months after that spent their time do whatever was asked of them in order to help. 

Alan Jackson has a song - Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning.. 

There is a verse in the song that says it very best- 

"I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell
You the difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love" - Alan Jackson

IUI Take 5

Today was my cycle day three ultra sound and blood work.

The tally is- left ovary 6 follicles under 10mm and right ovary 8 under 10mm..

Oh and the trouble maker right ovary has a 14mm cyst which is most likely left over from ovulation last month. The APN told me this should not be a problem at all and they don’t expect it to be producing hormones so I shouldn’t worry myself one bit. So I'm not going to. 

I discussed how my acupuncturist mentioned trying some chinese herbs and teas and she said that was okay by her, however she would like to know what he wants me to take and she will take a closer look at them when she see's me next. I am scheduled to see the acupuncturist tomorrow, so I will keep you all posted on his plan as well. 

So far her plan- 

I am to start Menopur 150 IU tonight w/ my .25mg Dex and come back on Friday morning for more blood work and another ultra sound.

Originally they wanted me to return on Saturday, but when my nurse went to set up my Saturday appointment -at the office that is an hour away because my office doesn’t have Saturday hours- she asked me what time would be a good fit for my Saturday. I didn’t really say anything- just contorted my face and then said it didn’t matter I would figure it out somehow. Then she pried for more information.

I told her I was working on the ambulance so I would have to call out. It’s not like when I work in dispatch and my boss there comes in and can cover me while I run to an appointment 5 minutes from work. I can’t traipse my ambulance over an hour out of our coverage area and attend an appointment.

She told me I was being far to easy going and to speak up they will work it out for me so I don’t have to call out.

My nurse then went to the APN and asked to move my appointment to Friday for me. Which it was within seconds and there was no fuss.

I’m so thankful for the ladies at my RE office. They really do care and try to make things easier on their patients. They remember me and my job. They ask about my likes and dislikes. They ask about how I am feeling. They grab my hand and look into my eyes and I really feel like even though I say I am fine they know on a deeper level that I am sad and this does blow. I’m thankful for them, because just holding my hand for a moment in time can warm my heart.

My boss does the same thing. She doesn’t pry and ask questions, she just took my hand in hers and said I’m sorry. I know its genuine. She really wishes there was something more she could do and she is always willing to help me whether its covering me while I run to appointments or helping me find coverage on holidays to make it to IUI appointments at the other office.

Speaking of people that help make this journey a touch easier.. 

The other night I sat around a table with two of my girl friends. We drank wine and Woodchuck Pumpkin Cider. (Very good if your inquiring minds were wondering..) We let is all out and we cried and we laughed and we cried because we were laughing. The three of us are all going through some particularly hard times and we talked about all of them. Every last drop of sad and every bit of "this blows" in our lives we let out. We offered support without judgment. We shed tears and felt lighter afterwards, because we weren’t on our journey’s alone. I felt lighter because I released the sad and there was space left again for the good. I woke up the next morning feeling renewed and full of faith again.

Faith that this will work out exactly the way it is suppose to. That the "Super Follie" from last month just was not meant to be. It’s not the baby I am suppose to have and sadly not part of the plan. I was reminded that everything happens for a reason. While we can’t exactly see that bigger picture while we are dealing with our heartaches and sadness in the moments that they are happening, there really is a bigger picture and it will someday make perfect crystal clear sense. Someday the picture that is suppose to be there is going to come into focus and we will understand our struggles.

There is a baby out there that is suppose to be ours. We are suppose to be parents and this journey, and the blows we are being dealt during it, and the lessons we have learned,all of the friendships that have blossomed are just stepping stones which are all strengthening our love towards a child that we have not met just yet and that is not yet ours. But I’m not giving up my faith- he/she is out there. Someone will look into my eyes one day and will call me some form of Mama.

I really do feel good about this cycle. I have felt good in the passed as well, but this time I know things can go one of two ways- it works or it doesn’t and I really have no control over either of those outcomes. I’m going to control what I am able to- taking my medications on time, eating right, staying hydrated, limiting my stress, SMILING, relaxing, and sleeping. I have control over those things and I will do my part and my very best to make this cycle a success.

There is no point to think about the negative. Positivity breeds positivity.

So its happy day my beautiful friends. Smile bright and try to help lift someone else out of their despair today.

I’m going to move forward into this cycle with a good, positive, happy attitude and hope for the very best.

What can you do to spread some happiness, smiles, and positivity around? What are you doing to make yourself happy today?

Try your best to be the positive force in the room today, because whether we know it or not everyone is fighting something...

Im Sad and This Blows..

I spoke with my nurse first thing this morning... I was told to stop my Endometrin and await the arrival of my period and call them on cycle day 1. 

They don't even want me coming in for a beta.

AKA this cycle is now officially over...

Two things pop into my mind- 

1)I am sad. 

2) This blows.

But you know what. Both those things are okay. Its okay for me to be sad that this cycle didn't work. That's an honest feeling and my heart is heavy in my chest and my cheeks are moist with tears of letting this cycle sail away officially. 

And that is okay, because this does blow. 

I really wish I had a more articulate term to define how I felt but at this moment in time all I can think is.. this blows.

I told Rob what the nurse said and he said alright its going to be okay lets just stay positive. 

A friend of mine said to me that she thinks Im much stronger than her. I told her I didn't feel strong at all lately. I feel like a new born baby deer with brand new wobbly legs and limited eye sight. She laughed and said that it was okay for me not to feel strong right in this moment. Its okay to be sad. Its okay to cry and crumble and when Im ready to just pick myself back up and keep moving forward. 

So the other day you may remember that I prayed for a sign about what to do about my next cycle...

Well after the call this morning Rob and I decided to go get some breakfast at a local diner. We were sitting talking about what we thought the next cycle was going to be like and how we were going to be able to move forward with conflicting schedules and what not. 

It was beautiful out as we waited to be seated the sun shined down and there was a sight fall breeze in the air. A little girl- who couldn't have been much more than a year old- was wobbling around. Showing off her new walking skills. I didn't know this little girl.. or her parents... but she walked right up to me. She placed her head on my bare legs and looked at me and smiled. 

I was so taken back. It was so random. There were 20 people easily waiting outside and this little one chose me to come cuddle with. Me some stranger to look at and smile. 

Maybe it wasn't some sign from God... though Im inclined to think it really was.

Her smile pulled on something deep within my heart. I want nothing more than for my child to give me that beautiful, innocent, loving smile. Im so grateful this little girls dad let her wobble up to me. Let her sit with me... even just for a fleeting moment. 

When he picked her up and walked away I wanted to burst into tears. I was so full of emotions. 

I held it in and just thought about what I was feeling. I thought well God I asked for a sign and if the innocence of a smiling child who comes to cuddle with a stranger isn't a sign.. well I don't know what is. 

So tonight its wine and pizza with one of my best friends... I will cry and be sad and vent my frustrations and enjoy the vino... 

And then tomorrow I will pull my cloak of strength back on and we will continue to move forward with the next cycle... 

To Break or Not to Break

I did it. 

I tested today despite knowing it still may be a touch early. 

Despite knowing I could upset myself for nothing. 

But there was also that chance. That looming chance of seeing a positive. 

12 DPO- BFN. 

From Count Down To Pregnancy :  "Based on these statistics, if you are pregnant and take a pregnancy test on 12 days past ovulation you are most likely to get a Positive test result, with the most common being a Faint Positive.

The instances of false negatives on 12 days past ovulation are less common, but do still occur. 16.5% of test results were False Negatives. A false negative result is when a pregnancy test indicates that you are not pregnant but you actually are." 

So basically there is a chance- albeit slim- but a chance none the less that its a false negative and my BFP is still out there. I can't help but let some of the positivity I was holding onto about this cycle slip threw my fingers though, which makes me sad. 

It also causes me to think about the future.. 

It forces me contemplate my next steps- my original plan was to take September, October, and November off from treatments. There is a run in Richmond that I want to do with my friends and I was going to take these months to train. I can't train on the medications because they don't want me running or exercising for fear of an ovarian torsion. The real issue is that I can't guarantee our amazing insurance into 2014. I have no idea what 2014 is going to bring us, and if we end up moving I have no idea what kind of insurance we will fall into.We may be forced into a break at that point and so I don't want to waste the amazing insurance that we currently have, which covers so much of our treatments. I also don't know if I am ready for a break just yet. Mentally I know its not giving up, but I also know each passing month we are getting older and older. I also have it in my mind that "what if its meant to be over those months..."

I know Rob isn't ready for a break either and when I dig deep I know either am I. My nurse told me that we are going to give Menopur 3 tries. It would look like try number one is slipping away and so I think we are going to move forward with Menopur take 2 without taking a break. 

I don't know honestly. I guess I still have some more time to make a decision. My period will probably be held off by the Endometrin, which means I will probably still have a Beta on Monday and then can discuss what to do from there. 

I'm really not ready to make a choice. 

I guess I just need to keep this in mind~

I'm praying for an answer for what to do. I ask for some guidance into the next cycle. A sign for what path to take and some patience to handle whatever becomes of this cycle.

Like the picture says- maybe he is saying wait. 

And so I'm going to wait until the answer of what to do is clear.

How did you know when it was time to take a break?